Dead Leaves

Prologue

No flower bouquet.

No ring.

He proposed her with a potted sapling.

She was surprised, of course.

“A tree?”

“A sapling,” he corrected her. “I know you expected me to bring flowers, or maybe a ring. But you know what? Flowers are good-looking, they have scent...but they are fragile. Their fragrance and colours are amusing but temporary. They will wither after a short time. A ring? To me, that is nothing more than a useless piece of metal. It may get lost or you can throw it away. But this little sapling will grow over time, if we both water it and take care of it properly. It will grow...and bloom beautiful flowers. To me, this little sapling is the symbol of our love. Sometimes harsh storms will hit this tree, we will need to protect it then. Just like we need to endure our hard times together. I don't want out love to be temporary like flowers. Rather, I want it to be like a tree with strong roots and beautiful blossoms.”

She was totally mesmerized.

“Do you...want to take care of this tree...and our love...together with me?”

1.

“Good afternoon. How are you?” the psychologist greeted the man in his early thirties, who had just entered the room.

“Not in the best shape, exactly.” The man said with a forced smile, “That is why I am here, and you know that too.”

“Feel free to share the reason behind why you are not in the best shape. I am here to listen,” the psychologist said with a professional smile.

“I can be honest, right? You won't mind if I am a bit dishevelled with my words? I am not used to opening up to a stranger, you know...”

“It’s perfectly alright. I don't mind.”

He took a deep breath, and started talking looking at the psychologist’s table,

“I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel emotionally numb. It’s like, I can hardly feel anything. I don't feel happy like I used to. I don't feel sad like I used to, either. I don't even feel anger, when I used to have anger issues. I don't feel anything when I read books or when I listen to music. It’s scaring me. The only time I actually feel anything is when I eat delicious food.”

“Since when have you been like this?”

“Two years. Since my girlfriend left me. We were in a relationship for four years before my girlfriend broke up with me.”

The psychologist noticed the man’s words. He didn't say “We broke up”, he said “My girlfriend broke up with me” That means, the decision of ending the relationship wasn’t mutual.

“I tried to stay calm, thinking that if she hated being with me that much, then I should just go my own way too. At least for the sake of her happiness, I should let her go. Just when I thought I had finally moved on, something happened...”

The man took another deep breath and continued, “One day I realized that I wasn’t feeling sad for her like I used to. I thought that was a good sign. But soon after, I realized that I was actually losing my feelings. All I could feel was a strange feeling in my heart, as if a stone was stuck there. A heavy and numb feeling. And at times, it became severe. My heart started to ache and I felt unable to go on with my daily life when my heart ached like that. Initially I thought that it was the after-effect of the loss, and in time it will just go away. But it didn't. Rather, it continued to grow. I feel as if I was sinking deeper and deeper without any way out. From time to time, I feel like my heart stopped working...sometimes I feel like I am breathing but I am actually dead inside, things like that...I don't feel like myself anymore.”

He paused for a moment, organized his thoughts and words and started again, “I thought over and over about it. Why I am being like this. And I came to a conclusion.”

“What is the conclusion?” the psychologist asked.

“It’s loneliness,” the man replied. “At first, I thought it was solely because of her. I thought it was because of my intense love for her. But after a recent incident, I realized that it was actually not because of her as a person. It was my loneliness.”

“Can you tell me more about the recent incident?”

“Well, I called her recently.” He said, “And I still didn't feel anything. My heart didn't beat faster, which was unusual. In fact, unusual to the point it scared me.”

“You guys were together for four years,” the psychologist said, “that means you loved her pretty much deeply.”

“Yes, I loved her indeed deeply. Intensely. Obsessively even, I admit, but not always like that. But not anymore. Now I don't even know what love is,” he said his last words with a sigh.

“It must be affecting your quality of life badly, that’s why you came to me, right?”

“Yes. Recently, I am having trouble sleeping. I have a few friends, but I don't stay in touch with them much and I don't visit my family often, so people and relationships aren’t being affected by my issues. But I can feel it myself. At times, I can’t get myself up from my bed. Sometimes, I find it hard even doing simple daily tasks like cooking or taking a bath. I feel like if someone doesn’t push me from behind, I will never be able to take a single step on those days. I tried fighting with it for two years. All alone. But I can’t anymore. I think it’s high time I reached out.”

“Wise decision,” the psychologist said.

“I feel lost. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I really don't.” The man sounded desperate. His words sounded like, “Please help me. Save me. I’m drowning.”

“I will try my best to help you. But keep in mind, the one who actually has to help you is yourself.”

2.

It was 4 in the morning. He was tossing and turning in his bed, unable to fall asleep. He felt like he needed sleeping pills. Next time, he would tell his doctor to prescribe him some pills.

He stopped going on morning walks now. Like so many other things he gave up after she left, he gave up on this habit too. He was really letting himself go.

Why? Why on the earth am I like this? Am I the only one who goes through heartbreak?

He was always like that, getting hurt and traumatized easily. He felt that he was a weak person for feeling like that.

People might say “What’s the big deal? Your girlfriend is gone, so just grieve over her for a time being, then move on and find a new partner.”

It was easier said than done. Especially for him, who had been getting abandoned by people ever since he was young. He was very sensitive to loss and abandonment, so he couldn’t take the last blow from someone he dearly loved.

Some of his family members said, why was he attached to her so much when it was pretty much obvious that she wasn’t that much attracted to him? They didn't know much about the relationship between him and his girlfriend. Their relationship was much more complicated than it looked.

He got up from the bed and went to the balcony. The sun was still not up. He looked at the little sapling that grew to be a tree in six years. He watered it. Even though their relationship ended, the tree didn't stop growing. That means love was still there. But now it was one-sided. Or was it one-sided from the beginning? Looking back, they actually didn't plant the tree together. He was the one who planted the tree. She just watered it from time to time. If you see it like that, she just nourished his love.

But he knew that it wasn’t one-sided the whole time. There were times when he felt in his heart that their love was mutual. Or did she only choose to be with him because she was lonely, and no one else would proposed her to be his partner?

He didn't want to think about her. He wanted to uproot the tree and throw it away – far away – so that he could never see it again. But the tree was innocent. It was a living thing. It was a being in itself. How could he kill a living thing for the sake of his silly thoughts? The tree had nothing to do with their relationship.

He wished he could burn every single trace of her. Even her memories. Memories were something to be treasured, he knew. But they had turned into bitter memories now, memories that would only haunt him and keep coming back to hurt him. Did she treasure those memories? What did those memories mean to her?

He didn't know. And for now, he didn't want to know. All he wanted was to sleep in peace and to breathe easily without feeling a stone stuck in his heart. All he wanted was to feel happy again. It didn't matter anymore with whom.

Maybe he should’ve just proposed her with a ring.

3.

“Good afternoon,” the psychologist said, “How are you today?”

“Same as usual,” he said with a sad smile, and sat down.

“So, let’s start from where we left off yesterday. You told about your emotional numbness and heartache. Do you feel that all the time?”

“Well, I feel depressed three or four days in a week. On the other days, I feel stable, stable enough to go on with my daily life. Occasionally, like once in a month, I feel normal...like I used to be.”

“Have you ever felt depressed or down for two weeks or more in a row?”

“No. For highest, it was one week.”

“Hmm,” the psychologist said, “It doesn’t sound like you have clinical depression.”

“Yesterday, I thought all day,” he said, “and I listed the major changes in me over last two years.”

“Good job. Now feel free to share them with me.”

He took out a notepad and handed it to the psychologist. He wrote his problems in an organized way.

Frequent mood swings. Occur every week and stay for 3-4 days, sometimes even a whole week.

Feeling chronically lonely.

Lack of feelings – love, care and happiness. Feeling emotionally numb.

Losing interest in things that I used to love

Losing interest in eating, having unbalanced diet

At this point, the psychologist looked up and asked, “Have you lost weight because of this?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Well, you summed up your problems well. Looks like you kept your emotions in check. That is the sign that you are trying to take care of your well-being, and that helps you identify whether something is not right. That is an important step.”

* * *

Break-up. Nowadays people take this word way too easily, or so I think. Relationship, breaking up, another relationship...as if relationship is something to play around with. As if human heart is that strong to be rejected several times.

Whenever I listen to break-up songs, or read something that’s related to break-up, it always hits home. My heart aches so much that I can’t help crying. Because that sounds too much like my story. Because I know that pain all too well.

When you end a relationship, the memories you made together with that person no longer makes you smile, but they make you cry. Bumping into them into a street is no longer a sweet surprise, but a bitter one that ruins the rest of your day. You keep questioning yourself just what on the earth did you so wrong to deserve it. Your heart that was once full of love is replaced with longing and resentment.

And then comes the worst part – you have to move on as a survival instinct. Otherwise, humans who suffer from grief and loss would die of depression. That person who was once your lifeline, or so you thought, would come to mean nothing more than a stranger to you. And you will be laughing and chatting and living with another person next to you, making new memories replacing the old, faded ones.

Even I am no different. I broke up four times. And each time it hurt me more than the previous one.

The last relationship I was in had been the most serious one out of all. The other ones were nothing much more than casual dating, and they didn't last even a year. But this time I was determined to stick with her and make the relationship work. We stayed together for quite a long time...four years. But in the end...it didn't work out. I was left alone once again.

This time, I decided to give up. No more pain and heartbreak. I can’t take it anymore. I’m done with relationships.

But as I say it, I can’t help but feeling lonely. I feel a sense of longing, a yearning for someone...whoever it is.

4.

Waking up in the morning, he felt hangover from oversleeping. He hated that feeling, and he knew that he needed to consume caffeine in order to get rid of it.

He had a dream last night. Waking up, after a long while he was reminded of his younger self.

Back then, he had big, bright eyes. Those eyes were filled with innocence, childishness and endless curiosity. Anyone who saw him with that look and that expression would not have the heart to hurt him. Even at his twenties, he could still make that expression. Then little by little, it started fading. All because of that one person.

His family told him that he shouldn’t date her. Even his mom told him, “Are you sure you will be happy with her?”

Yet he didn't listen to anyone, not even to his own heart. He held onto her stubbornly, selfishly and obsessively, blinded by love. And he didn't even realize that he was losing himself. He only realized after she left.

Today, the more he remembered his younger self, the image of the boy with big eyes, it broke his heart. It was no longer him. At a point, he started crying.

To comfort his wounded heart, he turned on his radio. While listening to a random song on the radio, a realization dawned on him.

He loved his girlfriend deeply. But while doing that, he forgot that she was a different person with different personality. She wasn’t him. While he thought that his intense love would make everything fine, he didn't take time to understand her and respect her space. In the end, he actually caused her pain.

Holding someone in arms can be an act of comforting, but if you hold them so tight, it will hurt and suffocate them. Love isn’t always warm, comforting and healing. Love can be suffocating and hurting.

What was the point of realizing that only now?

He took his phone and called someone.

“Hey,” he said in a tired voice once the person on the other side picked up, “Can we meet up tonight? Are you free?”

“Sure. Where?”

“In your apartment.”

“Okay.”

Thirty minutes later, he arrived at his friend’s apartment with a distressed look.

“I wonder if the person you loved so much ever knew how much you were affected when she left. If she knew, how would she feel? Would she have left you?” His friend said to him.

He wondered that too. Had she ever realized how much her actions meant to him, how much it affected him? If she could know it someday, how would she feel?

Without a word, he lay on the bed.

“Do you wanna eat something? Tteokbokki? Rice cake? Ramen? Or iced Americano? Speaking of which, you shouldn’t drink Americano at this hour since you aren’t a night owl, unlike me.”

He didn't reply to his friend’s question. Instead, he asked, “Can I sleep over at your place tonight?”

“Sure.”

He friend went down the memory lane and thought of the old days. They became friends at 18, two outcasts who didn't belong to any friendgroup looking out for each other. After college ended, they couldn’t stay in touch for a while. Then one day, he sent a text to his friend.

“Hi. Remember me? I won’t blame you if you don't, since we were together for a very short time... I got your number from a friend of yours. I was wondering if we could meet up? I missed you a lot since college ended.”

The reply came almost instantly.

“Let’s meet.”

And that was how they reunited. Once in a while, they texted each other or met up.

His friend watched him sleep, and stroked his hairs gently. They were those people who still believed that platonic love can be strong enough, even in adulthood. And sometimes it can overflow, surpassing what you call romantic love. Just like their case.

When you tell someone “I’ll always be there for you”, you actually make a promise that will be harder to keep than you thought. Especially if you make this promise to someone who is lonely.

That night, sleeping on his friend’s bed, he dreamt of the past.

Spring 2010.

As soon as the bell rang, he headed towards the backside of the college, his eyes searched for a familiar figure.

And soon, he found who he was looking for. His friend was standing behind the stairs, his phone in his hand and earphones in. Looking up, his friend saw him and took a step forward.

“Did you wait long?”

“Not long. For fifteen minutes, I guess?”

“What were you listening to?”

“Nothing special. Just killing some time.” His friend had already unplugged his earphones.

They sat in a bench, searching for right words. Both of them were clumsy with their words. Moreover, his friend had social anxiety.

“Tell me something,” he said.

“Funny, right? Through texting, we talk for hours. But when we meet face-to-face, we go like ‘Hmm’, ‘Well’...Nothing more, nothing less.”

“It’s pretty sad, too. I wish we could’ve spent more time together.”

“But anyway, why do you stick to me always? You have a lot of friends, so why hanging out with a loner like me?” His friend said.

“Because you and I are soul mates. Like literally.”

“What?” his friend was stunned.

“We have a lot in common, you see. Plus, even though I have a lot of friends, I am actually lonely. I feel like don't belong with them. I can’t be myself when I am with them. You are the only person with whom I can be comfortable and natural.”

His friend smiled out of genuine happiness.

That dream made him smile in his sleep.

Next morning, he woke up at his friend’s place. “I don't want to leave the bed. It’s so peaceful here.” He thought to himself.

These days, he was like that. He spent most of the time in his bed. He barely managed to get himself to do anything.

After lying still for a while, he got up from the bed, washed up and went to his friend who was making breakfast.

“Hey,” he said, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” his friend was surprised.

“I feel like I am using you and taking advantage of your kindness. All I ever do is taking for you...I could never give you anything.”

“Says who? You gave me the greatest gift of all, one that I cherish – your time, your friendship. That’s what matters to me.”

“But I feel like I am not sincere....I just come to you when I need you and just forget about you when I’m done whining.”

“Hey, didn't I give you the permission to come and dump whatever is on your mind at times?”

“I don't know anymore about love...friendship...things like that. I don't get it anymore how and why people get entangled with each other anymore. I just...don’t know anymore.”

“Don't you worry. I’ll teach you how,” his friend looked him in the eyes.

“What have I ever done to you for you to be so kind to me?” he murmured, “Why are you doing this?”

“’Cause you’re my friend.”

He used to believe in those too. Giving someone expecting nothing in return, smiling when seeing someone he loved smile, crying when seeing someone cry...those feelings seemed too distant now.

“Will you still be able to hold onto me...when I’m no longer the one you used to know?” he said, almost in a whisper.

He was an overthinker. To be more exact, he became an overthinker after he had gotten into the relationship with his ex-fiancee. And because of this overthinking tendency, he couldn’t even breathe easily anymore. What if I take a wrong step again? What if I make a mistake again? What if I hurt someone I love again? I am no good.

The voices in his head just didn't give him a break.

His friend pulled him in a hug. No words, just a comforting hug. Maybe that would help him breathe a little easier.

It helped, indeed, but the comfort was short-lived.

“Are you attending the sessions with your psychologist regularly?” his friend asked.

“Hmm.”

“Is it helping you?”

“Dunno. I need more time.”

“It’s alright. Take it slow. Don't expect the wounds created for years to heal overnight. It will only put more pressure on you and make things worse.”

His friend’s words were warm.

“Remember, how you used to say that we have a chance of ending up with horrible life partners?” he said.

7.

Hey, are you happy now? Are you finally relieved now that you aren’t with me?

I am a selfish one, I know. I wanted you to miss me, to hurt for me even if it’s a little bit. Because I am not okay. I thought I had moved on. To me, you are no longer important. Even thought we parted ways, even though it’s all over now, there is still emptiness inside my heart. A void that cannot be filled. You know what’s actually important to me? The role you played in my life. Not you as a person. I know how selfish it sounds, and how selfish it is. I know that our relationship was toxic.

I saw everyone around me happy and smiling, when I felt like I don't have a single person to share my days, my happiness and my pains with. I am crying not holding onto our memories and feelings, but my immense loneliness. I got used to that. But the moment I saw you smiling with someone else, something inside me broke. I had never seen that smile when I was around.

Was I really that much of a toxic person? Did I really mean nothing to you, or anyone?

8.

“This won’t do,” his friend muttered, “You need to get over it once and for all.”

“Hey, look into my eyes.”

He did as he was said.

“If that person knows how much she means to you, then it was really, really low of her to break up with you like this.”

“It was my fault,” he lowered his eyes, “I was childish and immature, I did things that she hated...We couldn’t stay together after all that. Even after she said it’s over, I was the one who repeatedly called and texted her...she clearly wouldn’t like that.”

“Even so, was it right for her to walk away like this, breaking your heart? She could’ve stayed, you could’ve just talked things out...There must be a way to fix this if she truly loved you.”

“That’s the thing. I probably didn't mean much to her, that’s why she could walk away like that and move on.”

“See, that’s your answer. There is no use crying and mourning over someone who simply cut you off her life like that. Why do you have to be the only one hurting? If that’s how it’s going to be, then I would say it was better that you guys broke up.”

“Don't make her to be the bad guy here. I’m sure she had her own life and own problems to deal with.”

“Relationships don't work like that. Relationship means mutual understanding, sharing not only feelings of happiness but also burdens and pains. Your true partner will stay even after you act immature and show your ugly side, they would try to fix you, knock sense into you, maybe even get mad at you but they would not abandon you just because they were pissed by the way you acted.”

“But we had to adjust again and again. We couldn’t just work out like that. We were just too different...”

“If you understand that much, then stop being pathetic towards yourself. She wasn’t just worth this precious heart of yours that got trampled on.”

“It’s just...everything went wrong after she left...I can’t seem to recover from that. I don't want to get back with her. Ever. I just...want my past self back.”

“Dummy. We grow up and our feelings change. That is just a part of growing up.”

“But loneliness...Loneliness is killing me...”

“We all go through loneliness and depression at some points of our lives, you know. We face heartbreak and loss that change our lives. It’s just that for you, it came in the form of her.”

“I just...can’t get over the sweet feelings that only she made me feel...the emotions that I felt only when I was near her...That dreamy sweetness...”

“It wasn’t sweet. It was a sweet poison that seeped into your heart and soul. And now, all you are doing is glorifying her memories and your time together.”

He let out a sigh.

“All you need is to find a living, breathing person who will love you just the way you are. When the time is right, I am sure you will find the right one. Just wait a little bit.”

“As if. Who is going to love someone like me? I can’t possibly offer them anything.”

“If they love you for who you are, they won’t need anything else other than you.”

The more he talked about her, the more his friend got angry with both her and him. Angry with her because abandoning someone like him the way she did was the last thing she should’ve done, and angry with him because he was letting himself go for someone who wasn’t worthy of his intense love. According to his friend’s words, a love that intense should be mutual, not one-sided.

He fell into a swamp. It wasn’t that he wasn’t trying to get out of it. But the more he tried, the deeper he fell. At this point, he needed a hand, an external force to get him out.

That day, his friend talked to him for three hours. Trying to convince him that everything that went wrong wasn’t his fault, and the fact that he was falling into depression unable to get over the breakup wasn’t his fault either. It wasn’t easy at all. He was going through deep self-loathing and self-pity. The wounds were far too deep and were untreated for a long time. Even worse, it wasn’t his first time getting rejected and abandoned. It was his fourth relationship.

Unlike his previous relationships, this one was way deeper and he really loved her. She was the last person he expected to leave him.

9.

Her p.o.v.

I was always the perfect girl. No. I was the perfect actress.

The image of perfect girl was my persona. I hid my true self under this made-up self. And everyone fell for it. That was why I made this persona at the first place. So that I get accepted and get along with everyone, so that I can be loved and praised by everyone.

My persona of a perfect girl was attractive but dreamy, unrealistic one. I was like an idol. Just like idols are forced to maintain their perfect image, I had to maintain mine too. And so I had to pretend to be a good person, someone innocent. When in reality, I was obviously not.

Then I met someone who was different. He also fell for my persona, not me. But as our relationship deepened, I let my guard down and became intimate with him. I gave him glimpses and hints of my real self.

Why I did this? Because he was different than anyone I had ever met. He was naive, innocent, nice. He was a good person. The vibe, the aura around him...it was strangely positive.

Maybe I fell for him too. I liked him like I had never liked anyone else. But in my own way.

One day, I decided to tell him about my persona, that my real self was way more different than the me he knew. Maybe I couldn’t bring myself to deceive him any longer, for once in my life I wanted to be honest with someone.

I told him. He was so shocked that he cried hard. I thought that was the end of us.

A few days later, he contacted me. He said that he wanted us to start over and that he wanted to get to know me better.

But if I were to be honest with someone, it would only end up hurting them. The fact that I lacked affection, that I couldn’t get what people considered ‘gestures of love’, that I probably wouldn’t be able to reciprocate his heartfelt feelings... it would be better for us to break up.

I only realized that too late. At that time, I accepted his feelings. In other words, we got back together only to break up a year later.

I didn't want to be with him any longer.

We were not a good fit for each other. I had to hold back a lot not to hurt him. He kept breaking my walls, my boundaries. Maybe he did that unintentionally. But I couldn’t take it any longer. Of course, every time I pointed out what he did wrong, he would try to fix himself. But we couldn’t have stayed together like that, keep adjusting again and again.. If I were to ask for his consent in breaking up, he would obviously say no. I had no choice but to be the one to walk away. He said he would always love me the same, no matter how my real self looked like. I knew he meant it. But I also knew that he couldn’t keep that promise. I knew how much I meant to him, how much he loved me. But I didn't feel the same. It was a meaningless waste of emotions in the end. I didn't want to take it any further.

I got too tired of living like some idol. I decided to take my mask off and live being honest with myself and everyone.

When we broke up, he said he didn't want to change himself for me any longer. Only then I finally realized what I did to him. I made him go against his own traits again and again and again. I thought it was just him being considerate. But in reality, I made him fit into my ideal type.

It was the best decision for both of us to part ways.

10.

“You don't know a f******* thing about relationship, do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“When you have a problem with your partner, you try to talk it out first. You try to fix the problem. You don't walk away and abandon that person like that.”

“You won’t understand. Your friend won’t either. He says he loves me, if he truly does why doesn't he just leave me alone?”

“He didn't tell me to come. I came here on my own. Just like I won’t understand why you left him, you won’t understand his pain either.”

“What’s your point exactly?”

“I came to knock some sense into you, so that you at least treat your next partner better. I assumed that you are already with someone else, someone maybe better than him.”

“How I treat my partner is none of your business.”

“You’re right. The thing is, I think you should take some responsibility for the mess you’ve created.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Because of you, my friend is unable to live his life normally. I am not telling you to get back together with him, I have no right to force you. But you should at least apologize to him.”

“And why must I do that? Whether he gets over me or not is his problem to deal with. Sorry to sound rude, but that is what it is.”

“Did he not mean anything to you?”

“Listen. I know he loved me. In fact, he loved me too much. But I couldn’t and I can never return his feelings. Of course he meant something to me, otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten that far. But our relationship is over now and there is nothing I can do about that.”

“Don't you feel sorry that you hurt a person like that?”

“I do. I broke up with him to prevent him from further hurting. We couldn’t work it out. He must know that. Don't be immature.”

“I think you are the one being immature here.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you abandoned someone to whom you meant his world, without even knowing how many times he got hurt in past. You kept telling him that you went through a lot and stuff, but did you ever try to know how much he went through? People these days think that if you just say ‘let’s break up’ and walk away, things will be over. No, it doesn’t work like that. Do you know how much it hurts to know that the person you loved with all your heart doesn’t want you to be in their life? I bet you don't know. Just saying ‘it’s over’ doesn’t solve a thing.”

“I tried. I tried to keep our relationship going so he won’t get hurt. But this couldn’t go on forever. It wouldn’t be good for him too.”

“I know,” his friend let out a sigh. “It can’t be helped. The fact that I’m taking out my anger on you... this isn’t right. You know what?”

She wasn’t interested, but yet she asked,

“Continue.”

“I also broke someone’s heart.”

“And you’re the one to talk? Huh, you’re making me laugh now.”

“Seeing what my friend is going through, I see what I did to that person.”

11.

His p.o.v.

I felt a familiar ache in my chest. It’s been four years already, but every time it hurts the same. No less.

I’m feeling lonely.

For years, I blamed my ex-girlfriend for my loneliness. I had always been lonely. Then when she came to my life, I was no longer lonely. My happiness didn't last long. In the end, I was by myself. Again.

Who is to blame here? It’s no use thinking about that now. We can’t turn back time. So let the past be in past. The best we both can do for now is to treat our next partner better.

Young love puts rose-coloured glasses on your eyes. When you’re in love, you hardly see any faults in them. Even when you see, you turn a blind eye to those flaws. Every moment with that person feels like living a dream. It’s a feeling that only those in love would understand.

You try to be the very best for the person you love, even go as far to hide your true self that may be not as pretty or entertaining.

But when you start living together or when meeting up becomes regularity instead of occasional meet-up, you get to see that person from up close. You discover that your loved one is no saint or princess charming, they are just human. As the ugly side of the person you love so dearly keep getting exposed in front of you, intentionally or unintentionally. Because you no longer have the rose-coloured lens, those flaws and mistakes come to you as a shock. Your expectations start to crumble. It’s the same for the other person. Many people break up with their partners at this point.

But if you can get past that point and learn to accept the person with their shortcomings, that is the start of a different kind of love – one that’s mature and comes with responsibility. If young love is like flower, this love is like a tree with deep roots. It may not be as beautiful-looking or exciting as young love, but it is stronger and won’t so wither easily.

I guess we couldn’t get past that point. I was young and in love, I failed to see how she really felt. I took things personally and let my brain played tricks, manipulating myself into thinking that she was also in love with me when she wasn’t. She did care for me, a lot, but there is a fine line between affection, caring, and love. I couldn’t see it back then, I see it now.

When I say I miss her, I actually miss my past self who wasn’t lonely. I tried to hold onto her because I didn't want to be lonely again.

At a point I did love her for who she was. But necessity exceeded love. Our love withered long ago. I held onto her because of my unhealthy emotional dependence on her. It was better that we finally broke ourselves from this vicious chain that I created.

How am I now? If you ask me, I’ll always say the same thing.

I’m so lonely.