I Had A Dream Once Where Jacob Elordi Tried To Kill Me
I had recurring nightmares of men chasing me
Pretty boys—tall dark and handsome with set jaws and glints in their eyes—
Men I knew—pastors, fictional characters, construction workers, boys as close to me as brothers—
They’d be sweet first sometimes,
Ducking into me
So normally
Astroturf green grass
School gymnasium
Swimming pool
In the woods on a cool afternoon
Dim corner of a wedding of people whose faces I couldn’t see
Coming after me
Behemoths of men
So fast and so angry
Recurring
Twisted time loops
Crushes said they loved me and then they tried to kill me
I dreamt of men i’d never met prying me apart
Digging their fingers fist-deep into the bones of me
And pulling out my innards like it was a fucking chore
I’d try to dodge and leap
I fought
Throwing nonsensical items—plush baby doll, knives that didn’t seem to do any damage at all—
I was always too slow
And they were always too fast.
Condé Nast, Colombia, Church Hill Tennessee,
I would latch onto lucid names of places
And avoid them in the waking world like the plague
I could never win
Somehow, someway, they’d always get the upper hand and I'd always end up limp and dead
Men I knew my entire life
Chased me, choked me,
I always tried to talk, tried to bitch and shout my way out
But they always just pressed a hand to my mouth and held me down
Half-tear on the edge of my cheek and a hushed scream
I would wake up prepared to hit something
I held the intrinsic thought
Somewhere deep and locked
That every man in the world was trying to kill me