The first time (and hopefully last time) I ever watched Euphoria was a few days ago. It was my first date that I was kinda excited for, though it ended just like the other one with me just ready to go home. There's nothing wrong with the guy, but even tequila and weed couldn't make the night any better. Euphoria was, in his words, "too real for me". I don't know if it's real or not that the youth are struggling with drugs and fucking adults and running from their problems by hiding themselves in problematic behaviour. I spent my entire high school career waiting to get out of high school. I mean, fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with the show. It just triggered various memories from high school that I've slowly and surely been peeling from my memory like an old sticker you forgot was on your locker two years ago.
I don't go through things like normal people. I've lived vicariously through people like Rue and Jules that are fucking up their lives to forget stuff they've been dragged through. The only thing is, once the series ends, no one wants to go back and rewatch that shit. Once that painful fifteen-year-old life is in the past, you do everything you can to never go back to it, to the point where even the brief memory makes you want to hide under a bed until it goes away. I guess he just didn't understand. I don't blame him. I'm pretty hard to understand as a person I guess.
I didn't like him. I knew that from the jump, which begs to question why I would ever even go on a date with him. I explain it as God's permissive will, when you keep asking and asking and asking for something you think you want, and God lets you even though he told your dumbass "no" for a reason. For me, that was sex. Spoiler alert, I'm still a virgin, though there's now slightly more experience with being around a human overnight than before. However, even if I wasn't, I still don't think I would've wanted a repeat of the experience.
It was my first time, so I can't really say it was "good" or "bad". It hurt, but of course it did, because it was new and I've never done anything like that before. But, I mean enough about my body. The challenge has nothing to do with the physical. In fact, I'm not writing this out to judge him or rant and say he sucked or lament that when I enquired if this was going to be a regular thing, he told me no. I actually don't feel any of that. The physical pain stopped a little after I got home and the mental anguish of almost fucking up in a way that I would've regretted is slowly melting away as I talk more. There's no relationship and there really aren't that many feelings for him. Except for a twinge of anticipation for whether or not our contact is actually over, I can't honestly say that I feel much of anything.
The reason I jumped at this challenge was to impart some advice. Even if it's just for me in the future when I get the opportunity to be with someone again. Don't submit to anyone that doesn't love you. As someone into BDSM and all that shit, I learned that the hard way (*luckily, not physically; and this guy isn't who I'm talking about*), but I don't just mean sexually. I mean, you know when you vibe with someone. You know when someone just gets you and when you feel so comfortable with someone that you feel like literally nothing about you will scare them off. You know when there's something inside you that never wants one person to leave. I'd encourage you to chase that feeling.
My first love hurt me in a way that I didn't think I could be hurt. It left me scarred and it hurt. But, oddly enough, we're friends. Not even in that stupid "hoping he'll get better so I can have a happily ever" sort of way. He's like my older brother and I trust him with my life because despite that romantical love being unrequited, he still is someone I feel comfortable with, and even after my heart was broken, I noticed that I still trusted him despite that. Even though he hurt me, I can tell this person still cares and loves me and I still feel that same gentle comfort that I felt before and mistook as love.
My advice to you reading this is to not be with anyone that doesn't fill you with butterflies or make you feel understood. I don't only mean romantically; I mean period. The reason I went on this date, I later realized, was that I had kinda given up. I'm hard to understand. I wanted to try something normal with the wrong person and even though the signs were there to not pursue this, I did anyway because I thought it might have worked out and I'd grow into the relationship. But, I realized that that's not what happens. You just end up settling and hiding parts of you and while some people can do that and feign contentment for the rest of their life, I am not that person. I wouldn't recommend being that person either.
I'm not quite sure how to end this. I'm very happy I didn't settle because I felt I should. I'm really happy I wasn't just like, "This is fine" and went with the flow because I wanted to feel normal for once. I don't really have regrets because if it wasn't him that I settled for, it would've been someone else. Maybe someone that was fine settling and then I could've been in a relationship trying my hardest to force a puzzle piece that just wasn't fitting. I'm not quite sure though. The only thing that came out of this was a promise that the next time I'm intimate with someone, they're going to be someone I feel comfortable with and close to. I feel like after having this experience, that promise will be a lot easier to keep since I don't want to feel like I'm settling ever again.
There are so many newbies now! I think I'm kinda an OG? I have been on Prose for five or six years. I actually found it because of FastWeb when I was a junior or senior in high school because I wanted to make money from writing which I have literally NEVER learned how to do. Still don't know how to do it honestly? Anywho, I'm AJ. I'm a 22-year-old American that really likes cheese and is attracted to disappointment. I'm in college in my last semester, and I am crawling to the finish line like that poor daddy's long leg that was left a septipelgic when I pulled off 7 of his legs. I promise I'm not still that evil. I'm far too tired to do anything chaotic except shake Monster cans in Giant Eagle and give squirrels political advice.
I honestly am not online much anymore just because this whole adulting shit is exhausting. But, in the event that you peruse through the literal hundreds of entries I've made, you'll see that I like to do experimental work and that I love fantasy, sci-fi, and basically anything that makes you think. My favourite post on here is actually my story "Something for Lilo" (trigger warning: abortion) so, yeah. I think it represents me a lot as a writer. nowadays I'm kinda balancing all these huge ideas like ideas of religion and philosophy and science and politics, and even though it's like a mental marathon (and I do NOT run), I know that once I get time to start writing again, it's going to really shape my writing in ways that I can't wait to see.
What else can be said? I don't like the beach or mountains, both thanks to family reunions. I'm lowkey afraid of elephants and whales because I'm small and they can pretty easily kill me. Belugas are beautiful. I study biology. My favourite colours are lavender, grey, black, rainbow, and yellow in that order, and I was yesterday years old when I found out that you can put sparkles in alcohol (and today years old when I realized that it's just glitter and you will be up at all hours of the night). What's the difference between grey and gray? Only Grammarly knows apparently.
For anyone that read this, thanks for reading and to the person that made this challenge, thanks for making it! It's always fun to reach out to new Prosers and I really love the tradition we have here of getting people to talk to each other and get to know each other.
Opening up to yourself is harder than opening up to anyone else in the world.
Birds start the day announcing that they're horny.
The bees are portable condoms for the flowers.
Octopi present their penises to potential mates,
And penguins present a potential lover with a rock.
Fireflies blink in Morse Code "U up?"
Garter snakes rush females all at once,
And don't get me started on ducks
Or dolphins, Jesus Christ. So rapey.
Squirrels chase each other, playing Sexy Tag
And flatworms penis fight to decide who's gonna be pregnant
Worms stick together in the silent dawn, swapping sperm,
And snails have an intricate mucous dance while they fuck.
All of this, I say to my bewildered class,
Who are just waiting for me to stop talking about why
I find animal sex so fascinating and would happily
Spend hours helping introduce animals to each other.
Sitting on the rocks, belting out ballads, hoping the one she loves will answer back someday.
Part One - Into the Mist
Sounds fun, let's do it will be the five words written on my tombstone. Maybe I was just lost in Copper's bright black eyes or maybe it was the vodka talking, but I should've thought this through. Copper's fingers intertwined in mine are the only reason I am not running for the hills right now. Ouija boards were their thing and I went with it until I was sucked into the madness of soulless letters. I didn't even think the worked until the old black-and white trimmed board started shaking and shooting out blue light.
"It's never done that before," Copper said as we sat on the cold wood floor of their bedroom.
"Uh, what?" I muttered. "What do you mean?"
Copper was too busy dragging their fingers through the growing haze of blue light to notice. "I should've had you over sooner."
"I mean usually we get a yes or a no. Maybe a name but not all of this. I mean, look!" The blue was dancing in their eyes as they ran their fingers into the haze. "I gotta take a pic for Sylvie. She'll be pissed that she missed it!"
Copper reached for their phone and steadied it in front of the blue fog. "Dude, you look good sitting there in it. Looks cool. Like a--"
"Like a what?"
Copper's mouth sat ajar yet no words came out of it. Their phone glowed green against their eyes.
"What's going on?"
"I--I don't know what to do."
"I don't remember what I was doing!"
"Well, you have your phone. I think you were calling someone."
"Who would I call?"
"Uh... here, try this number."
I slipped their phone out of their hand and dialed. There was a slight ring then a gruff thick voice answered. "Marci?"
"I'm back, baby." A soft voice with a country accent whispered through the haze. "And I have company."
The voice laughed. "Good. You know where to find me."
"We'll be there soon."
The phone clicked and Copper looked at me with fear I've never seen from them. "Who was that?"
"I don't know," I tried to say but all that came out was, "Trust me, Cop. Would I ever lead you astray?"
"Of course not," Copper replied.
I could see her cheeks reddening in the haze. The thing dragged my cheeks into a smile and controlled my voice again. "That's my baby. Do you wanna go for a ride?"
"Since when am I your--"
"Come on now, you've noticed."
Copper smiled softly. "I'd love to go on a ride."
"Good." My hand stretched to Copper and I helped them to their feet. The warmth of their hand warmed my blood, and the voice whispered to me, 'Go with it, Luka. We'll both get what we want then.'
"How are we going?"
"Well, your roommate's got a car, right?"
Copper looked at the door. "Ash doesn't let--"
"We don't need permission, love. Plus, we'll be right back, right?"
Copper nodded. "I guess you're right."
"Of course I'm right. Let's go. I'll even let you drive."
We left Copper's room and grabbed the keys to Ashleigh's Jeep that were hanging on the hook next to the door. My legs stumbled and I remembered we were drunk. Yet, there was no stopping my body. My hand grabbed Copper's and I pulled her outside and towards Ash's car.
"You know how to do it?"
"I--I don't have a license."
My lips grazed their cheek. "Don't worry. This is the perfect way to learn. Get in. I'll tell you how to do it and we'll be fine."
Copper smiled shyly. "Okay."
Desperate Pursuits in a Colourless World
It's not the revealing glasses-wearing illusion in pornos. The magic of words. The magic of the scintillating swirl of words forming a new picture. A Monet of ugly thoughts. Negativity, doubt, denial, and insecurity in the world creating a palette that can depict the world. You don't learn that in school. You practice the formulaic marching and chanting and regurgitating the words spat at you. That's a societal dogma drilled into us. Academia is Athena springing forth from the crack you got in your head from walking into a brick wall. Otherworldly and blinding, ready to disrupt everything in sight.
Did it Work?
The goggles hummed gently as Josiah twisted the finishing piece on. He'd made it through several test runs without the lab catching on fire so this was the first real test. He slipped the goggles on and tightened them with ease then flipped the switch. Immediately, a pinpoint of light flashed before his left eye. It drew closer and closer, burning Josiah's corneas with pure white light. The wooshing of the air went from sounding like a plane taking off to deafening screeching. The room became a cold vortex and Josiah's head burned and spun. He fell to his knees, shielding his face from the void of white. His stomach was a tsunami of soup and his brain was on fire. His lips were murmuring pleas in tongues he couldn't understand.
Suddenly, his ringing ears picked up a rich female voice. "Take them off."
"I can't," he sobbed. "I can't see."
Josiah stood and felt the goggles slip off his eyes. He blinked but saw nothing but pure white. He felt a hand on his forehead, then his body crumpled. He awoke in his lab alone. Vomit and blood stained the floor and his lab coat. The goggles were shattered in a far corner. A panging headache was ringing in his ears. He lay on the floor, thanking Jesus that the experience was over. Eventually, he managed to stand and fumbled for his journal. The plans were still open, with a blank observation space waiting for him. He stared for several minutes. Bright was the first word he got down. Loud. Pain. He stopped and inspected his shaky handwriting. No one would believe him. He tore the page out halfway and felt something stop him. The future needs to know. He let go of the page and sat in his lab chair, looking at the stained ends of his jacket. The headache was reduced to a dull ringing. His stomach stopped swirling.
What did you see, something asked him. He twirled his pen. There was no discernable answer. All there was was loud whiteness. Pure light. He jotted it down, bit his lip, and skimmed it again. Thunder. The sound of wind from the source. Ezekiel. The last word came from nowhere. He didn't know any Ezekiels. Yet, he dragged his pen under it several times. Ezekiel. That was the key to whatever he just saw. He slipped his jacket off and grabbed some Vesphene to clean the floor. Ezekiel danced in his mind. An Amish name. He hadn't been out to Pennsylvania in some time. Maybe he could go. Maybe getting out of the lab would help him. He'd spent sleepless months on these goggles that shattered in seconds. Days of caffeine-driven report reading and hypothesizing. It's no way to live, he concluded.
He left the Vesphene-soaked paper towels on the floor and sat on his knees in front of it. What had he missed in life while seeking some way to see the unknown? He didn't know but for the first time in years, he wanted to know.
Character Profile - Muntasher Dwivedi
Name: Muntasher Dwivedi
Birthdate: March 15, 1989
Birthplace: Mumbai, India
Age Currently: 22 years old
Condition: DID - Undisclosed number of identities
Description: Short for his age (5'3 or 157.5 cm), bit heavyset, dark skin, short, dark hair and eyebrows, has a birthmark on his hand that looks like a burn mark, doesn't smile
Relationship: Was dating a girl in the facility named Olive before he had an incident and had to be kicked out
Parents: Khali Dwivedi and stepfather, Yamil Janshara
Siblings: Aarti (-9) and Ishita (-12)
Residence: Unknown after he was kicked out of the Dr. Vains' facility
Status: Unclear if dead or alive
Purpose of the story: Was the last client of Dr. Vains that did not go well.
Backstory: Dr. Vains was told about his case after Muntasher went to the hospital in Mumbai after running into traffic to avoid bullies at eleven years old. The case intrigued Dr. Vains and he said he would take the boy without meeting him. Muntasher was a very severe case, but Dr. Vains promised Muntasher's mom that he would take care of him, and she didn't have anything to worry about since she was pregnant and stressed. When Muntasher was nineteen, he started struggling, and by twenty, he had completely spiraled and Dr. Vains could not help him anymore. Muntasher left the premises and wasn't seen since
First introduced: Chapter Four: First Encounters (Prague, 2006)
Introduced by: AJAY9979