Journal entry 1: (first observations)

I’ve now been in this town for only 10 days. Already I see the strange customs of the humans, putting up pine trees and decorating them with glass balls and other trinkets. I was sent here to blend in and study the humans, but all I have gathered is that they seem to worship a fat man in a red suit. Whether this is their God or their ruler I do not know. I also have learned that they depict elves as being small and with funny clothing, happily being enslaved to the fat man to create objects for his followers. This offends me somewhat, but it is understandable and probably for the best as elves do not wish the humans to know of our existence. In actuality, we are quite tall, slightly taller than the average human. We do have the pointed ears as the ones they depict, but we are a proud race that would never wear such heinous clothing.

Journal entry 2: (the elusive caribou)

I have come to learn that the fat man has transportation of a sleigh pulled by flying caribou. I must learn more of these caribou and where they come from, they would make a great asset to the elven people.

Journal entry 3: (human advancement???)

The elves have lived in seclusion far away from the humans for over a thousand years now. I never knew how advanced humans would come to be, especially with there vehicles and tall man-made structures. They may even be taller than the life tree at the heart of Elvin territory. On the other hand, I am very confused as to why humans insist on digesting chemicals and fake sustenance that only harms them in the long run. Foolish? Or simply disregard for life? I do not know and I doubt I will ever understand that part of human life no matter how long I watch them.

Journal 4: (entertainment??!)

I have just returned from what the humans call a ”festival”. It alarmed me to see them putting themselves in mortal danger simply for entertainment and fun. There were some who spit a flammable substance from there mouth setting it on fire. Risking death by painful incineration simply for the ”coolness factor” as they say is beyond me.

It is not all bad though. There was a simple mechanical ride that spun simply in a circle, taking you slowly up and down. The lights of the buildings and structures were mesmerizing, and it was quite enjoyable considered the questionable safety of the metal pod I was in.

Journal 5: (ending of my research)

I have decided that there are many things to become of humans, but none of which will involve the elven people in any way. It is better that we are apart, simply living in peace with the humans never being aware of our existence. So I travel back to the great tree to report my findings and warn the elders just to leave the humans be.

Hopefully, the humans wisen and no longer put themselves in harm's way for entertainment in the future, but I doubt that will happen.

Journal end.

“Tell me a story” life asked death.

“What would you like to hear?” Death replied in a tired tone.

“Tell me what it’s like to die.” She asked.

“well it’s wonderful you go and you dance through the sky filled with colors you can’t even imagine and you see things you’ve never seen before.”

Life looked at death in surprise for she now wished she could die.

“But that’s just a story.” Death finally said in a sad voice after seeing her face “it’s actually quite sad, but not for long. You sleep in peace and have wonderful dreams but you still miss the ones you have left behind. There’s coldness but then there’s warmth, there’s loneliness but then peace, there’s even happiness sometimes because you get to be with the ones you have lost.”

“But it’s mostly sad isn’t it.” Life said more in fact than question.

“Yes, very sad” death replied low and quiet.

The stories of the angels are a lie.

There are no angels with wings or miracles. Just people. Sad, imperfect, sloppy, clumsy people.

The thing is there may not be any great beings that watch over us in all of our stupidity, but there are people. Beautiful, loving, companionate, brave people. They may not be much but they are something, they are the true angels of this world. The ones that give even when they have next to nothing, the ones that bring joy to everyone they meet, the ones who make miracles happen instead of waiting for one that will never come.

So ya there may not be things with fluffy little wings helping you out every once and a while, but there are angels. Imperfect, beautiful, human angels.

I broke again today.

I thought I was ok, I had been holding up just fine for quite some time now.

But something happened and the the final blow was struck to the thin sheet of glass holding me together.

I broke.

At first I didn’t realize because I had gotten used to being happy, but once the first tear drop fell i knew what was coming.

Then the wave of sadness hit me like a sledgehammer and I fell to the ground, my knees slamming hard.

The first sob was slow and quite leaving me to to wonder if I could claw myself out of this feeling before it took hold.

But then the things that I had been pushing away and holding back all came rushing at me at once leaving me to cry harder and harder.

I’ve had mental breakdowns before, but this was different, this was the storm that had been building up after months and months of sunshine.

I knew I wouldn’t be the same after this one for a long while.

So instead of fighting it I let go, I cried so hard I couldn’t hear anything on the outside.

No one could help me at this point, I was alone on the journey through my own personal storm.

Alone.

Broke.

Afraid of how hard it will be to put myself back together this time.

But in the end I pick myself up glueing most of the pieces back together.

Until the day I brake again.

You Hold on to me one last time

Before you say goodbye

Life sucks

But you thought it was just to much

you left before I could hold you back

Now I sit here alone

Crying in the dark

Trying to be strong for you

Hoping life isn't to much for me.

Have you ever lit a candle just to watch it burn?

Blow it out just to see it die?

To watch the ember slowly lose its glow,

And light it all over again.

So easy,

Such a small life,

We can give or take.

It's scary to think that a persons life is like a flame,

So easy to give but even easier to take.

Have you ever ran your hand through the flame just to feel the flame even if it stings for a moment?

Can you feel it as a solid and not just a ball of heat?

Can you feel the life that you could take with just one of your own breaths?

So fragile yet could burn down everything in a matter of minutes.

Like a human,

Such a fragile life yet could change the world in one instant.

Have you ever blew the flame out and watched as the embers still glow

Still fighting for life but of course never succeeding?

A man may never want to die but eventually the time will come when that little ember just has to stop glowing at let go,

Even if someone else blew it out.

I know it can't ever be

I know I can't give into my feelings

It will just end in pain and misery

I know this

But why do I keep finding myself going back to thinking about him

I have to lock those feelings away

Never let them show

But every time I look into those chocolate brown eyes

My heart brakes just a little

Because I know it can never be

I have to let him go

It will never work out

It never does

So I will have to settle for staring from a distance

Wondering what it could have been like.

Every thing I touch 

dies

Every thing I love 

burns 

Every thing I do

only hurts 

Every right I do 

has a bigger rong

Why am i like this 

I just want it to stop

All I want is to help

but every time i try

all I do is hurt

My loved ones look at me

like im a monster

like I could kill them 

at any moment i please 

like I want to hurt them

I just want it to stop

I don't want to hurt anyone

I stay quite and do as I'm told

But I always mess things up

I try to say the right things

But nothing ever comes out correctly

I make people think I hate them

I hurt people's feelings without meaning to

I just want it to stop

I don't want to make anyone cry

I've tried being silent

But then people start thinking something's wrong and saying I need to stop being weak

I've had enough

I'll make it stop

If I stop helping I'll stop hurting

If I stop speaking I'll stop the crying

If I stop loving no one will get burned

If I stop touching other lives no one will die, no one will cry, and no one will get hurt

Now look, now that I've made it stop

People miss me

Miss my touch

Miss my words

I'm not a monster anymore

Isn't that ironic.