A Less Than Average Morning
Jason and Luanne, like any average couple on any average day, enjoyed morning coffee made from a Columbian brew labeled "Breakfast Blend," tasting only slightly of dirt and strongly of chocolate. Luanne preferred this blend because it wasn't particularly strong when compared to other blends she'd tasted, and Jason enjoyed this blend because he wasn't particularly strong compared to Luanne, and this was the blend she complained about least.
This day, however, quickly became substantially less average with the appearance of a rattling thud. This rattling thud was promptly followed by the sound of a substantially less rattling plop. The plop, in turn, was followed by the creaking of their back door slowly opening itself only three feet from the couple's morning coffee position, and thus left Jason and Luanne forced into an appropriate reaction.
In observance of couples upon being interrupted by a rattling thud followed promptly by a substantially less rattling plop, then followed by the creaking of a back door slowly opening itself only three feet away, one could conclude that most couples - with the exception of particularly odd couples who will not be addressed at this time - react in very similar ways depending on their position when encountering said initial rattling thud.
If the couple is listening to music, for example, the male will generally ignore said thud while the female moves to turn the volume of the music down. The female will then proceed with concern and ask the male, "Did you hear that?" He will reply, "Hear what?" She will then respond, "That thud," and he will answer, "No."
In the event that the couple is cooking dinner as a couple, both parties will abruptly stop whatever it is they are doing at the exact moment of said thud, at which time the female will almost definitely begin a question, "Wha--," after which the male will almost definitely put a halt to this question with a, "shh." He is now committed to bending forward slightly so that his head is leading the position of his body toward said thud, and the female will slowly inch toward the male as the male initiates investigation.
In the case of Jason and Luanne, morning coffee was underway, so their reaction was fairly standard with the exception of Jason's inability to walk without crutches. Therefore, the sequence of events would have to be meagerly rearranged to apply sufficiently to this morning that was no longer particularly average.
Once said rattling thud then led to a substantially less rattling plop, initiating the creaking of their backdoor slowly opening itself only three feet away from Jason and Luanne, the couple stalled their drinking of the Colombian breakfast blend in unison. Each furled their brow in surprise whilst placing individual white, ceramic coffee cups onto the breakfast table, then they glanced at one another in a concerning manner.
Being the first to speak in most situations, Luanne, understandably very surprised, was naturally the first to speak in this situation as well.
"What the fuck was that?"
Jason, being accustomed to Luanne's potty mouth used only before her morning coffee was consumed to completion, ignored Luanne's abrasive tone and answered in a manner that indicated he was also concerned.
"I don't know. It was loud, though."
Luanne also felt the need to express what they had both witnessed at the exact same time, regardless of whether it was a particularly productive behavior while attempting to establish the origin of said thud.
"Yeah. It knocked the door open."
Jason, in an attempt to prolong the period of contemplation that would ultimately lead to a period of investigation, asked Luanne the same question that she had initially asked him regarding said thud, although Jason chose to do so in a much less abrasive manner.
"What do you think it was?"
Luanne, growing increasingly curious while still very surprised, indicated to Jason that she felt his lack of urgency may have been underwhelming and that the intelligent course of action would be to quickly find out more.
"Jesus, Jason. Are you just gonna sit there? Go see what it is!"
Jason was accustomed to Luanne's dramatic approach to most events, and therefore agreed nonverbally in the form of a nod and began to maneuver his crutches in such a way that he could quickly find out more, albeit not as quickly as he would were he not incapacitated.
Being less disabled and inarguably more aggressive, Luanne vibrantly excused herself from the breakfast table with an accompanying loud "huff" and, as one would expect given Jason's level of difficulty when traveling by foot, Luanne arrived at the open door way approximately seventeen seconds before Jason.
The object that created the rattling thud, also causing the sound of a substantially less rattling plop and eventuating the resulting creaking door that slowly opened only three feet away from Jason and Luanne, in turn causing both parties to leave their seats and investigate said thud, was lying motionless on the concrete patio. It was wrapped neatly in a white sheet and bloodier than most objects known to cause rattling thuds.
Luanne had an abhorrent reaction to the sight of blood, and in turn felt the need to enlist the help of Jason, who had only just arrived at the doorway. Jason, looking very worried, was hesitant to remove the object responsible for the rattling thud.
"Oh my fucking God, Jason, it's bloody! I can't touch that thing! That's so disgusting! Oh my God! Pick it up and get it off the porch, now! Hurry up, you idiot!"
Jason, seemingly unable to move given his current state of shock and also being very worried, only stood propped by his two crutches and an agape mouth. Luanne, although very surprised, came to the sudden realization that she would be best suited for the removal of the bloody object wrapped in a white sheet that was responsible for said rattling thud, and therefore performed her necessary duty.
"Are you serious, Jason? Good lord, you are such a pussy. Whatever, I'll get it. Ew...this is so freaking gross."
Luanne, although moving quite slowly and despite being very surprised, managed to lift the object quite easily and began removing it from its cotton casing. While the object was still at least eighty two percent concealed, Luanne felt a sense of relief as the object appeared to be a familiar one.
"Wait a second. Is this your- Hey, it's your foot!"
Jason, pleasantly surprised by the sight of his missing appendage, took the foot eagerly from Luanne and hobbled haphazardly with the assistance of his two crutches back to the breakfast table in order to continue unwrapping his foot.
Folded into a perfect square and tucked safely between his large and middle toes, a note was stored for the obvious purpose of explaining the missing foot's reappearance to Jason and Luanne.
"Hey guys, so sorry. Charlie must have grabbed it from the porch. Also, he was hit by a car this morning while he was running around with your foot. Sorry about the blood, I didn't have time to get a clean cloth. This is so awful, but I know you need this.
Call me later.
After picking up the object responsible for said rattling thud and a less-than average morning, then reading aloud the perfectly square and folded note tucked safely into Jason's foot by their neighbor, Angela, it all finally made sense.
Jason regularly left his prosthetic foot on the front concrete porch after mowing in order to avoid Luanne's annoyance at freshly cut grass being strewn through an impressively clean house. When returning with a dry cloth meant to be used as a cleaning apparatus in removing the freshly cut grass from Jason's prosthetic foot, Jason found that the foot was indeed missing.
While Jason was inside searching for a dry cloth, Charlie, Angela's Golden Retriever of 12 years, spotted the foot lying lonely on Jason and Luanne's porch, in turn removing the foot from their custody and taking it for a joyous stroll through the neighborhood.
Passing nearly seventeen houses, Charlie and the foot traveled a substantial distance given the width of the foot in comparison to Charlie's mouth and also considering Charlie's advanced age.
As Charlie crossed the intersection of Mulberry Lane and Elderberry Drive, a passing motorist was caught by surprise by the sight of Charlie carrying a human foot in his mouth, and in turn the motorist slammed on his brakes, causing three cars behind him to swerve into oncoming traffic and/or pile into the vehicles in front of them.
Charlie, distracted by the sound of tires screeching, did not notice an oncoming Toyota Prius in the opposite lane of the previously surprised driver, darted toward the pile up of vehicles, and was struck by the Prius.
The Prius owner, dressed in eco friendly cardboard sandals and wearing home-groomed dreadlocks, understandably sobbed uncontrollably for thirty two minutes before remembering the necessity of calling 911.
911 turned Jason's foot and Charlie into the local police station, where Officer Montgomery contacted the number printed on Charlie's tags.
Angela, in turn, immediately and quickly drove to retrieve Charlie, and inevitably also retrieved Jason's leg. Upset, she felt it more appropriate to write a note and throw the foot over the fence to not only avoid speaking to anyone in a time of upset, but also avoid the possibility of another animal borrowing Jason's foot.
This led to said rattling thud.
After it all finally made sense, Jason and Luanne proceeded to finish their breakfast coffee and expressed concern for the neighbor, as would be expected from any decent neighbor.
"Maybe we should send her a gift basket, Jason."