A New Journey
As someone who's overcome depression what you need is a gameplan.
Depression is created from ones environment, by which I mean people and interacting with them. From there you are the one who helps maintain it as event after event piles on.
It's possible you've experienced emotional abondonment where you don't tell your family how you feel or dopn't trust them. I'm certain your parents have their own traumas or limitations they are repeating with you. you can analyze or think of how they have been hurt and how it reflects on you.
The best way is to think of the times you've felt hurt and recognize your feelings when they hurt your emotions by dismissing them or something. From there you can categorize and write down what has happened to you in your life. you're still young so it should be relatively easier to remember.
From there you should also take notice of what media you are consuming. If it only makes you feel bad without making a way to improve your feelings then get rid of it. Your emotions are your guide to getting better. Listen to your body.
This is to take preventative measures that way yo won't feel so bad. From there you have to look for things that help you with your dreams. Learn about what makes a healthy community. By helping yourself you will learn what it feels to be healthy.
Depression is very taxing so I assume you only handle what's in front of you instead of thinking of alternatives to what can be done. Correct me if I'm wrong.
You could also deal with things that upset your parents or talk to them to make a healthier environment. If the people that make you upset are happy they are less likely to lash out at you. Only do this if it's safe enough to do so. There is also porbably a hierarchy in your family. Notice who is in charge and who is the one that lashes out the most. Usually it's the mom lashing out because the dad is insensitive. The dad is usually more passive aggressive, etc. You know your situation best.
Now you need to rest. You are very likely overwhelmed. Try to take on a mindless task or soemthing to think of ways to improve your situation. you can analyze a show or something because your mind is already used to overthinking and will require constant stimulation. If possible exercise while you think and make sure to pick music that won't put you in a negative mood. Music usually helps because its deals directly with modd in mood movies. you could even go through the songs to figure out how they make you feel.
Analyze yourself and go from there to improve yourself.
I didn't realize how depression affected me until I started spiraling out of control. I started procrastinating to the point I didn't even have enough energy to eat. You're going to need to be brave. Strengthen your mind to resolve this. But first you need to decide to live. If you give yourself the option of death you won't get better. Eliminate that option completely. Make a bet with yourself or soemthing I don't care just don't keep that as a option anymore.
Cold nights ring, the house groans against the wind, shattered glass sprinkling rainbows in the light. I hear the roar of an engine speeding by. The rain prevents a clear glimpse. The mirror doesn’t have that problem. Inside the room two children make very different decisions. A boy runs away abandoning the girl. The girl freezes, blood drips from her skin, and in the shadows of the rain a man with her mothers face beckons her. Her mothers voice is deeper, but the tune still rings true. Within the house she can hear the adults running towards the room. The man is retreating, his blue eyes so different to her mothers blood red eyes. A grieving cry escapes her, longing to reach the mans mirror. Water and glass mixes with blood as bare feet walk away from the artificial light. A lullably plays softly in the darkness as the father catches a last glimpse of his daughters dress.
One Coin Two Sides
Love is giddy
Full of smiles
Underneath my mind is ever watchful
Risks are deadly
A trap hidden from sight
There is always a sign
Without respect my heart cools
My giddiness fades
A cold jester smiling at court
Ready to disappear at a moments notice
With mutual consent
A dance of love filled with care
The mask falls
Romance at every turn
Mutual presents unexpected
Men blush easily
I caress his cheek fingers running through short hair
Burdens flowing from his eyes
I kiss his hands, sitting on his lap
Past secrets open to the wind
Chores become games to share
Painful when one slips
Beware rollerskates on a wet floor
Every encounter a blissful reunion
Smiles shared through light and dark
School requires perfection, but life requires experimenting and trying out things that may or may not fail. Being an adult means taking responsibility with the experimenting. It's a journey into mysteries yet unseen. Besides with a little creativity or resourcefulness anything can become a job.The real question is: what do you want and what do you need? There is a lot possible to you now. To become independent all you really need is guts. Many businesses are made by taking a risk. So take a risk and throw everything into it. You don't have to follow everything to the T. Its going to be terrifying but you're going to be proud of yourself. Now, what are the possibilities you wish to bring into this world? What message do you want to convey? Every piece of art is unique because it's made from the way that person sees life. The Last Airbender is interesting because it shows the complexity of humans. The Firelord was an evil person, but his nation was not. A country is a representation of the people ruling it, not the actual people. There were bad people and good people everywhere. Even then they weren't so simple, there is trauma hidden in everyone no matter what kind of life they lead. This is expressed in personalities and above all, choices. You are at the start of your journey. First you must heal the pain you have experienced living with or without your family. This will help you figure out what you really want. Being secure in who you are brings confidence. Don't worry so much about the mess, something will always go wrong, its what you choose to make of those moments that make you who you are. What I'm trying to say is that being an adult means making what you want out of life. Just enjoy the process, don't take life too seriously. ;)
On a starry lit night, when the neighborhood lights blacked out, the moon lit my path home. The walls chilled my face, fresh with dew.
Laughter lulled me away from the shadows. A lady rushed past me, racing home against her feline companion. The wind blew her honeyed perfume towards me. A person reeking of death. A button dropped.
The button was an intricate bee sleeping within vines and acorns. I never saw the ladys face. To me she is a fairy spreading joy, skipping about without a care for her step. In that moment, I wondered, how many joyful moments have I denied myself by worrying. How much joy is there to revel in life not caring if its seen. From then on, I've been skipping through the darkness, reveling in the star lit moments. I raise my face to the wind, accepting the fresh cold air, warm brown eyes open, no longer empty.
Life in Wonder
What do you see when you look up? Is it a dying world, in which ashes fall softly on your face, slowly blackening your lungs until breathing is impossible? Or is it a world with life unlike any ever seen? A world filled to the brim with creatures seen only in fantasy, a world not discovered, but created.
Both exist. Darkness spreads, a silent adversary. Dangerous in its lack of target. Yet light is also at work. It has always been at work. The most chaos is caused by light, a constant shift of unimaginable works. The change is terrifying. In fear people destroy what they don’t understand. No one is worthy, everyone should pay for what has been done. Or should it? Innocents have paid the price of the guilty. Perhaps another tactic is needed in place of senseless destruction, for cycles repeat if another isn’t set in place. One must create while destroying. It is a natural process most do without enough intention. Once you master the process, magic seems possible no matter the chaos surrounding you. The mind is calm, assessing not the damage, but the possibilities waiting to be created.
Enough Is Enough
For centuries chaos has ruled the land. Soldiers return home to a place of stillness. But their hearts are still lost in the battlefield. To a feeling of death and power. To the despair fueling their survival.
The worst wasn't the war. It was the sickness festering within. Both in mind and body. A plague then covered the land. A quiet killer, faceless and unbiased. Trapped within their homes many despaired. What is there to go back to? Why should anyone return?
A young lady looked up from her book, admiring her garden outside the window. Inside multiple herbs mixed and matched creating a maze of smells. She placed down her book to make a cup of hot chocolate.
Sunlight embraced the house, lighting up the red and purples hidden in her furniture. As she passed the kitchen one could almost swear her eyes were golden. Her hair fell down to reveal warm brown eyes.
Her feet lightly skipped on stones covered in moss. The light beamed through water, creating a warm ocean. The kitchen was more a fairy tale than a city dwellers house. Nature perfectly in tune with technology. The wall were coated in layers of fire repellant made from mushrooms and fish skin. Surprisingly it smells like apples. A few years ago an earthquake created cracks in her walls. Within days the cracks were gone but required a new coating. She recycled the broken bits of her home into new pieces of art. Some were added to a mural in the garden.
A small winged creature landed on her shoulder. A fairy of her own creation. The sound of the stove lighting startled it, its form shifted to a firey green. The lady chuckled. Together they hummed to a new lullaby.
The lullaby is a new story shes adding to her book. Her book cover has metallic colors swirling together in intricate vines, framing the title. It includes many of her recipes with small stories to keep the little ones interested. She has many other projects in motion to share her gifts with the world.
Her live streams are upoaded to many places. The door to the underground fridge has a schedule of her health classes along with her roommates' schedules. All of them are healers. A few of them are illegally healing others for free. Others are taking the legal path and are currenlty taking online classes. Their neighbors are studying law to help them.
The lady is studying engineering along with her health courses to build better homes. There are many unuploaded videos in her computer to show children how to build solar panels and all kinds of things with things available in dollar stores or in the kitchen. Soon they will make their move and no one will be able to stop them. Humanity will heal whether it wants to or not.
There is one in my mind that drives me insane
Taunting me at every turn
Is there any point she asks
She encourages my anger
Tripping me at every turn
Another is a man
His voice is soft cavern going to depths unknown
Gently he guides me towards understanding
Mother is merciless
Stop complaining when you know this is nothing
Finally there is the quiet one
Never speaking, always guiding
She gives me messages to decode
Questioning, curious, childlike
Yet there is a darkness to her
Always hidden in shadow
Emotions are the easiest way to understand her
In dreams I greet her
Over time I gather pieces to her puzzle
A lifetime won't be enough to understand her
It really is telling how unhealthy the world is by their association of the qualities it mocks about this house. It makes me want to cry knowing that people are so hurt. They're lost touch with themselves and are afraid of being seen as vulnerable. Some don't know how to set boundaries properly or how to communicate properly.
I think its because of how often the kind person is seen dying or being the spare one in media. People are afraid of being hurt and in doing so hurt themselves the most.
The inbetween is always open,shadows lurking in every corner. They weave our lives, deadly and always silent. Many times they are nothing more than warnings at the edge of our nightmares.
I meet these shadows in times of chaos. They are similar with hardly any differences. Yet there is one who stands out amongst them. When I was little a shadow a lot like me protected me from my nightmares. Her purple eyes kept watch, protecting and judging me. Often she would make me choose, though I can no longer recall what. As I got older my dreams became stories full of adventure and shapeshifting dimensions. Eventually she faded away.
For many years I would fall asleep hoping to meet her once more. One night, I saw her again in the corner of my dream. Happy to see her, I attempted to communicate with her. I tried calling out to her but she never moved, her eyes closed as if sleeping, but I could feel her probing me. Fully awake. Looking through me with closed eyes, assessing me. Many nights passed by but she never moved, the soft glow of her eyes mere lines on her face. I tried reaching her but she always kept me away. The world would shift her into the shadows until her glow disappeared.
In the real world, I became obsessed with playing cards. I loved drawing the shapes into fancy diaries or brooches. The first time I drew the Ace of Spades the shadow took on three spades, two hair clips and a brooch. Her form became more solid, with victorian clothes and ruffled socks. Still, she didn't move. It was almost as if she was waiting for something. But what?
Finally, when I came of age she was silently waiting for me by a gate. Inside was pitch black. The hair on my arms stood up. My stomach dropped, suddenly aware of how vast and empty the dream was.
The shadow walked into the void looking back to make sure I followed. I stepped forward. Shock spread through my legs. Freezing water rippled at my ankles. A strange echo could be felt in the water. Ahead of me the shadow walked briskly towards an unknown destination. I fought furiously against the water, my legs losing feeling with each step. I lost my balance and crashed into the water. The echo became clearer. A lullably. Someone was singing a lullaby. I've never heard this lullaby before, not even in the real world. Suddenly, the humming stopped.
Shrieks pierced through me from multiple directions. Crushing me, stabbing me. A burning hand dragged me deeper towards the the sound. It felt like I was dragged for eternity. Fighting. Never escaping. Each time clawing at the water with added vigor. I only stopped fighting when my muscles started tearing from the effort. I closed my eyes against the nausea.
The darkness became still. I opened my eyes again, they were met with a disapproving glare from a golden man.
He said, "You shouldn't be here."
He stepped aside to show a small shack. There a window let moonlight shine on a small bookcase.
From then on I would always dream of that small shack. I would appear facing the window and the bookshelf, to the right was the void, to the left a three step staircase leading to different worlds. I usually browsed the books. Each time the bookcase would become a different library. I would spend hours reading the summaries on the back of the books. If I decided to read the book would take me into its story. When I felt more adventurous I would take the staircase to go exploring.
One time it opened to a multicultural festival. There were many shops selling things I'd never seen in the real world. The plants were also very beautiful. I plucked a flower, admiring its intricate design. The music stopped. A faerie approached me. It was dark and loomed against my small figure. A smaller faerie bit my hand. I dropped the flower with a yelp. When I woke up I had a bruise where the faerie bit me.
Later, my dream continued. The faeries were still angry at me. The shadow appeared behind the bigger ones. They tilted their heads towards me. The shadow took my hand, opened a random door, and threw me inside with her.
The room was an abandoned castle. It was overgrown with plants, yet a stained glass withstood the decay. In front of it was a capsule with a body. The body was covered in glowing green marks. The shadow told me the body is a book made from the memories of people that died in nature. I wanted to touch it but the shadow warned me against it. She led me outside of the building. A few yards away was the ocean. Many people were humming a lullaby.
Later in the real world, I heard someone humming the same lullaby. I ran desperately towards the sound, but the person stopped humming. Even now I wonder, who was that person? What is the shadow trying to tell me? Who is she?