"I'm not sure why every leaf must die",
I didn't even know they did,
Behind me the world may not exist,
Just what's in front of my eyes.
If I didn't see a leaf fall,
Did it even happen?
Are you all actresses in my plot,
It may seem vain but what else do we have?
People only exist when our lives intersect,
So who is to say they continue on,
Who are we to assume it?
Because we are taught that a leaf's lifespan,
Tumbles around the clock like a drunkard,
But I have never sat for long enough,
To watch it brown and depart.
My own Icarus
I try to show off,
With wings out of wax,
Footprints in cement,
Smooth, fizzy skin,
Darts across busy roads,
Never looking back,
Knowing the risks,
Hiding in plain sight,
Kissing in the rain,
Touching, laughing young.
Melting, too good to be true,
Throwing clothes as I fall,
Crying, dying, lying through teeth?
Smiling all the way.
Listen to me. I didn't do anything. I asked for a kiss, you said "yes" in that annoying, squeaky, weird little voice of yours. I asked for your number, your details, I liked you, I know I was higher than kites fly but I liked you. I took a photo of you for the contact and then I handed you my phone that was nothing but a blur to me and you pretended to put your number in. You pressed delete contact and handed it back and smiled that awful, mean, vicious grin. Let me remind you, it was you who harrassed my straight friend, made her cry and want to leave. She deserves to feel safe in a gay club, everyone does. It was you who deleted my number that night and then the next time I walk in, you avoid me like the plague. I don't rise to you because I care so much but you don't deserve my anger, you are nothing. You whisper to your friends and stare while I'm just trying to pee and have a good night with my friends. You dart the other way in the crowd. You dance so badly I can't help but laugh. You haunt the photos from that night, I can't look anymore. You sour the whole memory. I am done talking about you. I hope I never see you again. That is my safe space, my gay club. Go back to fucking Scotland.
musings of a mad man
its like too many traumas
going on at once
im running out of excuses
and words are dripping from the faucets that have become my friends
the scariest part is the not knowing
my next two steps are uncertain
im edgy and odd and off centre
the way he said youre dead broke me into pieces of ash, scattered
brain, heart, soul, chest, fingertips
musings of a mad man
the worst part of town
he made the jittering begin
he detuned the radio
and asked for the static in my ears
bubbling up underneath skin
i havent grazed my shin in so long
bruises and cuts used to be a staple
but im more steady on my feet
or maybe there are less obstacles now
or maybe they all became metaphorical
she left and suddenly i was the worst one again
never able to see the suffering i most likely caused
never ever took the blame even if the evidence was in my mouth
they mustve planted it there
they mustve planted, dodgy
she made me so mediocre
in a good way
mediocre is what we are aiming for
i wouldve killed for normalcy
She was covered in scars
and my skin was bare,
She was a weight
that I agreed to bear.
She swallowed pills,
Cut up her thighs,
Desperate to feel better,
Seeking out highs.
I was the stupid one,
I "needed the fix"
She built a wall between us,
But I was holding the bricks,
Everytime she cried
The wall down to offer my shoulder,
But still the wall could not be battled
She wouldn't let me hold her.
Eventually we fell apart,
Her happiness meant more
Than anything we ever had,
I let her close the door.
But as it closed it cut my skin
And the blood made it all real,
Cause I was numb before you came,
And now I can't help but feel.
The Hardest to Hear
(from behind tears) Maybe we just weren't meant to be and I'm excited to see what happens in the future.
Every night I'm in the shower and the light switches off. In the dark, her fingers run up my back. Then it comes back on and she's gone.
I'm sorry, I was sleeping. My phone was dead, or charging, or some other excuse. I was busy being happy with my best friends, flatmates, having the time of my life. Sorry. Sorry you're depressed. Sorry I broke your heart. Sorry I can't make up my mind and I'm selfish and unkind and I can't be bothered to drive to come see you. I'm so sorry. It doesn't matter how many times you say don't worry or tell me I don't need to be, I'll still keep saying it. s-o-r-r-y. Please don't be sad, it's a bit of a burden on me.
The Great Barrier Reef was discovered on this day by Captain James Cook. The year was 1770. I can barely even imagine a world undiscovered, not knowing the locations of everything on our planet. Maybe they still thought the world was flat. Millions of people, thousands of cultures, left unknown because our boats hadn't made it there yet. When we did find out about the lands across the sea, it was written down and reported back, we could only picture what we thought it would be like.
Somehow I found,
A field of flowers,
Under a grey Dutch sky.
This dismal town,
Turned right around,
With maybe no reason why.
I lay among the cobalt blue,
The orange dirt, at peace with you,
The whole world spinning around us too,
So long till we all die.
The blue petals don't live so long,
They start to droop as it moves into fall,
Until the orange dirt is all
That's left for us to cry.