Though it would be obvious to say myself

The consequences are never being able to see if there was consequence

My worst enemy brings honor to my life

So I cannot kill him, id miss it too much

I couldn't kill a politician without a copy paste replacement pedophile

I think I'd kill my dad

That joke of a man hurt my sister, and he did it without consequence

so fair is fair

Grief is stuck in my throat like a final meal that proclaimed itself present

And you stay in my mouth like decaying dessert too sweet to allow myself to swallow

It's gone too soon to allow myself to savor yet I'll beat myself up when it's wasted on being good for me

When it finds itself in my stomach, ripping the bile into me by tearing my content to streams of ribbon

Will it honor me for giving it the chance to have purpose, or consume me back for allowing it the chance to try?

If I could have maybe a shred

Lightning bugs

Light

Done by a star

Shine down

Onto me

Bring my body

To shore

And breathe in the

Salt

G l i m m e r i n g

S h i m m e r i n g

Take the sparkles from my eyes

Wash them over

Over

Me

;

Take

It

Share my

Soul

We can share

The light

Light i found in the depths of a tidal wave

Wondering why i had not found it

Until i drowned

Flower face

Oh princess of lies and deceit

An owl even at night and in mourning

You are the queen of your own future

A myth to all but to me you are real

Perhaps you were made to satisfy man

But they created you to love

Then they cast you aside when it wasn't who they desired

To be moved from fields to a towering grand castle

To be stripped of choice and forced to marry a tyrant when your days were composed of basking in the sun and eating her light

To be punished with the freedom of a bird

To trick the world into giving you the freedom you deserved and make them think it was all their plot

Yet you could not have understood that you would lose what you loved to do so

Victim to villainess

This is a fate you earned but did not deserve

I often find myself guilty of the sin of taking breath

Cobwebs are my home and I vacation in caverns of broken glass

These shards of sea glass reassure me as they rip me blood from bone

Still, I draw breath like an artist plagiarizing from a museum painting

I will give the lesions a moment to heal before I crack them open once more like the wood of support in a childhood home being rip from board to board

I feel the glass scrape my bones

I held like the world finally took pity on me

A selfish combination of a ribcage and flesh

I am sorry for stealing someone else's breath

For it was never mine to take

But I still adore the sound

Of breathing, of broken glass, of cobwebs

I think this could be my home

Everything I can say or think makes me what to dissolve with you

Dreaming of falling to each other like cotton candy

Wondering how I could melt into you like sugar into tea

Into my soul like thick lavender honey

Never to cease begging to combine the love between us to create someone new

Probably like candy, now that I think about it

Rainbows of cotton candy, gummy worms, pixie sticks

Opened up to create a new flavor we've never tried before

Moments we should've had when we were children

In this moment we can try again, we can make this life new

Something our parents never wanted to give us

Everything your father never stayed for and my mother never attended to

Maybe we can be a candy cane together, you can be the red stripe and I white

Everybody knows how we can dance in harmony and become a sweet symphony

Younger versions of us can be satisfied once more

Only by this, the taste of us dissolving down to fit together

Understand, please, how we could even become a pie, we do not have to be candy

Whatever it is you want to be

I will join you with whatever it is

Let me convince you I will be happy with whatever you desire

Love is strong enough to keep me happy enough

Let me prove myself

Over and over again if I must

Vanity cannot overtake me

Everything I do, it is for you

Make us into a brand new sweet, maybe a brownie or a cake or pie

Enough to dissolve down with me, become us together

For you, I would even dissolve into a drink

Only if to cross your lips for even a second

Remember how much love I swore to you

Even in our darkest of hours

Violent in its path, my heart never ceased to beat for you even if my ribs bruised

Everything was worth the pain, if it meant to be with you

Right by your side is where I wish to forever stay

Only if we dissolve together do I think my heart will start to rest

Karma will bring you to me, will bind us together as our fate

Anything we wish for can be ours if only we commit to it

Youth shouldn't stop us from cotton candy fantasies

?

When the snake was a child

She began to walk

Only so late a child as the rest of nature

A flower always finds a way to let its petals blossom

When the snake started to walk

Soon she discovered what it meant to run

for she ran faster and better than any other creature

Flowers now knew what it meant to truly bloom

When the snake started to realize she was running so fast

she could not savor enough

She began to slow down

She grew to find the love of others

Like the sweet scent of a flower draws in the bees

When the snake started to stop and take a breath

Her breath was taken away

Her lovely legs she'd used to walk and run and then stop

Were forced open and held down

Like a flower being plucked and pulled apart for ones own satisfaction

The snake grew fangs to inebriate her enemies with toxins

grew to unhinge her jaw to devour even the biggest and strongest of threats

Her soft skin shifted to serpentine scales

her little legs shed off with her skin as she decided no one could ever force them open again

Her arms left her too as she no longer wished to hold another except to constrict

She no longer resembled a flower

When the snake became the snake

She thanked the gods who blessed her for who she became

for she prayed and prayed for the change

She finally understood

All flowers shed their petals

As all snakes shed their skins

I would run away, find a place for only me, on that fit my favorite dream. And I would scream. I would blow my own lungs out with sorrow and distain and I would just keep going until I had no desire to anymore.

After that, I would take enough money to buy a house and a little garden, hire a gardener to maintain it for me as I have no green thumbs at all, then I would sit in the garden all day until someone begs me to stop. No one will, but god would it be lovely to see if someone would.

When I was 18 years old, I realized I had sleep paralysis. It was like being a baby again, if you can remember being a baby. Every night I could stay up without being able to move my body. I could never sleep when my body wanted me to. I was an indentured servant to my own inability to drift off into rest, only death would free me. Tonight, I was in the last ten minutes of my contractual obligation to the word and the humiliation that came with it. In my sorrows, I could feel the universe decide the exact moment it wanted to taunt me.

I felt the creeping hands fall on, maybe in, me. On my breasts. My thigh. They glided over the edge of my pink lace panties I'd bought just for the occasion. Fear sewed itself into my heart like a tailor figuring out how to mold a dress to a brides body to make her blush on the happiest day of her life.

It was the day my ex-lover and I decided to spend the night together again. After I had fallen asleep, he'd requested we stop kissing and sparing small gropes between the two of us. I never knew sleep paralysis could exist for me, I thought it was always something someone else had and not me. No one ever thinks it could be them until they have reason to believe it can be.

My body made me feel hands on my chest. A pair of lips that wasn't mine pressing down onto my own as if it were putting itself into place after a long day being apart. I would've found it romantic had I not been asleep for two hours already. My dear prince and his slumbering sweetheart, I wish I had not partook in creating and existing in the duo we ended up evolving to become.

What frightened me the most, it was the way the part I had wanted to touch earlier within the night was shoved up into my clothes now. He had not let me see it when I was awake, but now it was all he wanted to give to me. As I felt it crawl along the lace and force its way up into the pink fabric I had bought to impress him, part of my soul slipped outside of my body. I felt out of my body. The body that betrayed me by existing. But two can play at this game. I chose to abandon my body back, though I knew it had truly done nothing wrong.

Yet, I blame this body. This body that I fear to abandon, one that I dread to continue to care for. One that I now have to say goodbye to. I wonder now, what it caused that made me feel so much distain like wriggling maggots churning in the back of my throat, in the pits of my stomach. I do not blame the maggots for being in my stomach. That is simply their nature. I must blame myself for being the vessel that allowed them to cause this pain.

That is why I am leaving you, my dearest, most hated body. I am not sorry for beating the life out of you with my memories, I am not sorry for making you listen to my ramblings while they rape you again, while they fill you with so much fear you bulge from anxiety, fatten yourself up just so they can call you pretty and squeeze the darkness from your head and beg for the attention they only gave you when you dreamt. I am sorry, however, to give you up so fast, when I could've tried.

Suddenly, I no longer feel raped. I feel like the little baby that used to play with their brand new senses, zoning in and out, finding only joy in the feeling of a fever or the giddy elation of getting away with not doing a task you simply do not like. Years of neglect since your beauty betrayed you, and now you knew how to make it disappear. Simply not doing a single thing, in the end, gave you this feeling now of understanding. If you do nothing wrong and still get hurt, then why do you try?

The logic, I see now, is broken beyond repair. I zoned back in after all of that was over and found my body had scars from the neglect. I remember and can feel the moment I tried to change. I remember the very second I decided to try again. Maybe this time around true love would find me. I zoned back in and out through it, my body now became a graveyard for one unfortunate soul and body that dared to spend two weeks growing inside of me. I hope by the time I've completed my journey tonight that I can meet this unlucky one and beg them to forgive me for my inability to keep them with me, for I wanted to raise this soul and give life and purpose to another. I can feel my soul pour out of me like the blood of a miscarriage.

Then my heart started to go numb as I saw the light drain from my own eyes, ones that used to be so gem-like in the sun, ones that were the color of the growing green nature that surrounded me. I felt like I was a part of the life that surrounded me, now I can rejoin you. I fear the memory that I had to relive just to watch my heart fade from a vibrant peachy pink to the grey empty hollow that death leaves in her greedy footsteps that take from all as she crosses our paths. Now, I am in my bed, much like I am now. I am, or was, crying myself to sleep for the seventh night in a row, the one week anniversary of finding out my other half had been connecting his puzzle pieces in the wrong places after I had lost the space we'd created between us.

I suppose life was the mistake to begin with. Or maybe I'm only saying that so I don't live with the regret. Today, actual today, the day I die. This is the fourteen week anniversary of my body giving up on me like I gave up in it. I remember the diagnosis, finding out what I had been feeling sick for was. And I remember not telling anybody, because I felt so empty and alone and sad. I figured dying of a treatable disease wasn't technically killing myself. It was passive. So, I let it take me. I feel the final bit of myself slip from my stomach to my throat, to my tongue, to my teeth, to my lips. Now, I am gone.

The sailors are rocking back and forth in the rivers of the cosmos

Stars and wishes float all around them

Their ship of iron and oak, a mere fault in their existence

Peace cannot be found in a warship, no matter how loved it may be.

Some homes cannot ever be beautiful

A dead body rocks in the underbelly of the rotten cabin as pain finds a new home

A wish shoots past as all is calm but not at peace