Old and New
feels like a candle wick, a slow burn inside the soul
melts away the hard wax like a protective armor into a liquid flow state
As it sinks further down, the higher it gets
only a gust of wind can snuff it out like a breath of air coming out of the water
A new candle can burn for hours, but an old candle looses its wick faster
The fire inside feels indefinite as my old wick falls off
showing the metal core holding it together at the bottom of the jar
Empty with no wax left, bare and a smokey rim
shambles
As a new candle is being lit
Big but yet so small
When I was younger, what I wanted to be when I grew up was an Astronaut. I was the weird kid who dressed up, while everyone dressed up as nurses and teachers. I admired space, the galaxies, the stars… because I always felt since I was a little kid how big our existence is in this world.
As I grew older, my interests grew to art and clay. Van Gogh was an inspiration in art class because he painted what he felt, not what he saw. As my imagination grew deeper.. i realized not everything we see is pictured as reality. It goes a lot deeper than the naked eye can see. I loved poetry for that same reason..more of the ability to express what is inside the heart from a language only our souls feel. English was my favorite class. To learn outside the box and not from a textbook. Music, the piano..the love for classical music. As I still listen to piano covers to soothe me to sleep.
In reality, I’m only 4’8, but feel like my soul is bigger than my existence. I was always the odd one out for this reason.. I never really understood the importance of materialistic things, but experiences. The love for black and white movies. The history. To see beauty in things that are overlooked, like an old building. The stories beyond this world that people experience, or maybe even experiencing yourself that feels lonely.
I could say I get it honestly, but theres a whole lot of me that feels like I’m not made for this world. Leading me to feel smaller than a grain of sand.
Because despite what my interests are, the desire to grow and learn, what’s going on inside my heart, or who I am as a person and learning to be comfortable because I know myself… There is always that lonely feeling of not belonging and the fear of never will. As if I’m not meant to be understood. To only exist as a part of someone’s story for a glimpse, but not wholeheartedly as a book. Only a chapter. To feel so big inside, but overlooked and overshadowed on the outside, a placeholder… that feels so small and insignificant like a bookmark to a page.
I choose
I choose to love you in silence,
For silence will shield me from rejection.
i choose to love you from a distance,
For distance will protect from me from pain
I choose to feel you in the wind,
For the wind is gentle on my skin than my heart feeling the warmth of your own
I choose to look away from eye contact,
For the fear you will see the war that goes deep into my eyes
I choose to not let love in whole heartedly, for the fear of being in capable and left behind
I choose to be on my own, to experience what it’s like to step into my soul
For now, I choose to love you in silence
How is it possible to feel everything and nothing simultaneously? How can one keep head above water when the current is unstable with riptides? How can nature show natural disasters, thunderstorms and suddenly feel calm within the chaos? And how can someone love the different seasons that nature brings when the absolute worst is shown?
Because when I look at nature…I find it natural and somewhat beautiful with every season, but when I look at myself…I find it not quite like nature. These are the questions that linger in the midst of a season.
When grief returns, it returns in vengeance... a chest tightening, eyes burning, a stomach pit feeling to empty, a nauseated heartache pain & yet a hint of nothingness in the same breath. A feeling you don’t forget, like the incense of a smell. When it comes back, it almost feels like it intensifies like a cloth to a flame.
Awakening
She broke free from her burdens
no chains
no judgment of self
A shift in perspective.
Pain has a purpose. A stepping stone to hope.
A journey that is so hard pressed and complex, but so simple and rewarding
Always searching for a place to belong to, only to find she belongs within herself.
A group of strangers became United into one in her peace journey
A tribe vibe. An energy that could never be explained but only felt in the presence of humbleness and light.
No longer in fear, but only the fear of beginning to something out of her own level
The worry of acceptance…
except the right people hear you. Know you. Feel you without no explanation followed.
How exciting can this journey be. How scary could it be. How wild and free.
To not to think what’s next, but what is now.
To seek understanding in the higher power to lead me where I’m needed. To accept the love that is given from the same people on this journey. To understand no one really is alone. All paths are different, but if one meets in the same journey: may it be shared in love.
The lost lamb.…
”The shepherd leaves the 99 others and searches high and low for the lost sheep”
Feeling like the lost lamb. The black sheep. The a strayed human left behind, or more like ran away…
Painted a picture to be alone
Misunderstood
Forgotten
A piece of myself lost
How easy it would be to not be that burden
It left me high and dry
stubborn and hardheaded
closed off
unable to be loved without being open to love and help
Bad habits and unhealthy ways to cope
How hard it is to believe that you are worthy of that of love… and how embarrassing it is to feel so low.. to have ran so far off in your own way of dealing… the version of your own rock bottom
But… God believed the lost lamb was worthy... the one who ran away from His love. The one who has sinned. The one who has forgotten about His love and only in the hard times realizes I am lost without it. How beautiful and overwhelming can that be. That the one lost lamb was found and not forgotten…
When life gives you a reason to be quiet, it’s starts to get deafening.
When you lived in choas, the quiet feels different. It’s hard to get in the mindset to simply be still.
Thoughts rummage in your brain, dark ones and hopeful ones…
Each one does not outweigh the other.
To feel like you’re wasting time by being still…but yet, it’s what you need… because the busy sustained the pain.
To feel like you can’t breathe some days. To be completely lost within yourself, that you are unsure what this life has in store or what can unfold... that you’ve lost sight of who you are and what your existence is.…
Then to have a mustard seed of hope and motivation to get you moving… because life doesn‘t stop.. time still passes and you still get older..
To stare at 4 walls? or to get moving and make something happen?
To get discouraged? Or to learn to be ok in this season of waiting?
To stay behind because of fear and doubts?
Or to drive to that new destination my soul is craving to be?
Maybe having lots of moments in the silence won‘t always be dark right?… Maybe this moment of silence could be a moment of guidance.…
To be fluent in silence
Can mean so many things…
It can be awkward, rise in tension, anger…
It can be a loss of words, because no sentence can describe a feeling, or a thought..just indescribable pain.
To be fluent in sitting with someone in silence to know he or she is not alone.
It can be stillness of the mind. Listening to the outside noises and breathe in what it has to offer. As if the forest is the best secret keeper.. To feel seen in nature.
Meditation. Prayer.
And it can be faith…
”Be still and know that I am God” surrender.…
As He has control over it all.. Be still my heart and know that I am with you.
Sometimes silence has more to offer than noise.