There's nothing better than nothing

Nothing to worry about

Nothing that needs done

Nothing on your conscience

Nothing making you sad

Nothing is what we all want

We had always sworn to be honest with each other. Ever since I met you in high school and we became an “item,” I never lied to you, and through all the years, marriage, and kids we’ve had, I assume you never did to me, either. But now, I wish we had never made that pact. I don’t want to hurt you.

“You’re cheating on me.” It was a statement, not a question.

“That’s not true.”

“I can see it in your eyes. Look at me!”

I looked. “I’ve never been unfaithful. Never.”

“Neville saw you kissing him in the market.”

I stared down at my shoes and whispered, “One kiss.”

“Who is he?” Your voice caught me in its iron grip.

“Not he. She. Her name is Robyn. And, yes, I do love her.”

Dear nameless one,

I cannot even write your initials because your initials are what we all called you. Even your first initial is too recognizable, and after five years of being deprived of your beautiful face I find that even now I would like to forget if only to relieve the annoying gnaw and hum at the back of my mind that won't forget you.

You were my first love. That sounds cliché but I really thought that against all the odds we were meant to be together. We liked similar things, we got similar grades and we took the same classes. To me we were equal. I know that to everyone else and even yourself we weren't. Knowing this I persevered. Some could say I was borderline stalking you. I cannot deny that I scoured your facebook to learn more about you because god forbid I talk to you without a reason at school.

I started listening to the Strokes so that we could talk about music together. That was a sweet time in my life. I'd listen to a song and then tell you I liked it; it felt like we were having a regular conversation. Your locker was near mine, one year in highschool and you told me you liked my coat. I was glad.

When we took the course in Italy I basically threw myself at you. I shudder to think how ridiculous I must have looked or what people were saying about me.

One day I did hear what some people had to say "What makes her think she's so special, everyone likes *insert name*"

You were very handsome and a model but again to me I thought we were similar and not because I adopted some of your music. You probably knew I liked you. I didn't know infatuation could be so intense.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell you "I liked you" to get it out of my system. That won't happen now.

In university I saw you a couple of times. The last time I saw you I didn't say anything because you were with a girl who semi-bullied me in highschool. The joke is on me. I should have just said something because I saw her recently and she talked to me warmly like we were friends.

Back in High School I thought that somehow, like in a fairytale, you would come to your senses and know that I was the one for you. It would be just like in the fairytales: I, the not so pretty Cinderella and you, the not so chivalrous prince. 

On the plane ride to Italy I was sitting by myself with a stranger and you said if anyone was being mean to me that you'd beat them up. I appreciated that more than you could know. I wish I knew how you felt. All these memories are taking up valuable memory space in my brain. 

It probably wouldn't have worked even if I wanted it to... 

But inside I wish I could just tell you.

Just once. 

Sincerely,

CR

Please close your eyes and pretend it isn't me who is doing this to you,

Please, my love, forget everything that happened tonight. All I want you to remember is that I drove you home, tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear and kissed you like you love to be kissed.

I walked you to your door and we said goodbye.

Please, when you think of me, think of the guy who loved you so much it took his breath away. Don't think of me as the guy who delivered you to the hands of those who could hurt you. You have to understand it was my job to do it, since the beginning.

I never meant for this to happen.

I never meant for you to fall in love with me; lust, yeah, love never.

I don't care what happens to me after tonight. All I care about is how you think of me from now on.

I am so sorry, my love, I truly am.

I saw him today

In their favourite café 

He's talking with someone 

A girl who is blonde

Then

I saw her

He didn't 

She entered the café 

I knew it's time for revelation

It's the old versus the new 

"Do you still love her?" the lady asked 

I saw him looked at "her"

In his hesitation 

We found the answer.