I Should Have Been There
[ warning: this post contains content that may be triggering to some, so read with caution. ]
I should have been there for you that night.
I should have been there for you before it all went wrong. When you needed a shoulder to cry on, I should've been there. When you needed to vent, scream, and lash out because of all the pressure you were under from your family, I should've been there.
When everyone else left you hanging and moved on because they couldn't understand your eccentric personality or character, I should've been there. When I was too far away from home to give you any type of physical comfort to help alleviate the overwhelming feeling of what it was like to be all on your own and completely vulnerable, I should've been there for you.
But, at the end of the day, I wasn't there.
Not when you needed me the most. So you ultimately hit rock bottom at a frighteningly fast pace and basically said fuck the world in the process. You finally made up your mind that you were done taking other people's shit; you were done getting used, abused, unnecessarily judged, and most of all, ignored by the people you loved the most.
You decided to take matters into your own hands on that fateful night, nearly killing us both.
I should've been there to stop you as you looked around your house for a sharp object to use on yourself. I should've been there to talk you out of dragging the large kitchen knife across your left wrist. I should've fucking been there to stop the bleeding and call for help after you fell out on your bedroom floor while the light inside your beautiful brown eyes gradually faded...
But, when it was all said and done, I wasn't there.
I wasn't the one who found and saved you that night. I wasn't the one who rode with you in the ambulance on your way to the hospital. I wasn't the one who cried by your bedside wondering to God for why you'd ever do such a crazy thing.
No, I wasn't there to make things better for you after that terrible incident passed. I wasn't there to show you how much I truly cared about you afterward. I should've figured out a way to be there for you, somehow, but I couldn't.
And in being your so-called best friend, it's been one of my biggest regrets because I know that I should've been there for you, no matter what.
I should've been there for you that night, regardless of what the fuck I was going through. Life beat me down almost as badly as it did you and whenever I needed a friend, you were right there. You were always on time which is what I should've been with you on that tragic night.
What I should have done was tried harder, done more, and said more. Maybe then, things would be different for you today; maybe your heart would be just a little less cold and broken...