I did not create this reality, you did; everyone did but surely not me. I am just a passenger. There is no way I would have purposely created THIS for myself. I struggle daily trying to find my place in the world. I envy anyone who is so set in their convictions, their belief and style. They embrace it yet I refuse mine. I live between your reality and mine. The awareness of the matrix. I stare at people and think ′ this is not real’ . Yet what is real? Is it real because in experiencing this reality I can touch, hear, smell, and see? What about my intuition? My third-eye? Doesn’t it warrant some acknowledgement? To feel something outside the perameters of the physical is considered taboo. It is said nothing is to be trusted if you cannot confirm with your phyical senses. When we utlize our intuition it is marked with scorn since it is beyond the capabilty to measure. The only way to prove an intuition to be true is to be measured by our physical senses. If I have a feeling that someone is cheating- the feeling does not make it true- but the physical senses captures the evidence to determine to truth.

When did this become acceptable? Who decided it was a good idea to discredit the primative or shall I say the sophisticated part of you? Why along the way did we decide to neglect that part of ourselves? Some would argue the human race has evolved, gained intelligence thus creating a complex world. The material world has now become our God. We only believe what we can witness through our five senses. The existence of a divine being is taught as an outside source that only a few have the privledge to know. What about the divine being inside of you? That voice inside offering guidance is silenced by the conditioning of society. I am here in this world that is rumored it was created by some unknown mysterious force. The design may not be mine, but I can follow the clues to my true existence. The clues are tailored to the individual. I am on to something.......... I can sense it.

I stood there before her. Dead.

I am unable to cry. It is stuck in my throat pushing at my eyes and suffocates my chest. I came to Texas to see her but I arrived too late. I never got to whisper in her ear just how much I love her. I wanted to apologize for ever doubting her, for not spending more time with her.

I cannot whisper in her ear. Before me lays a shell, a mere vessel used to survive this world. I know she is somewhere. I feel it. Yet, I feel lonely, broken and abandoned.

I stare out her deathbed window. It is a beautiful day. Crisp sunny with a steady breeze. Mesmerized I watch the Texas flag whip against the wind.

I allow my mind to wander. Flood of memories, Flood of fails and victories. I realize at this moment I lost my home. Tears slide down my check. Outwardly I silently cry. No expression just vacant glass stare as the waterfall of my eyes soak my shirt. Inside I rage, I beg her to breathe, I collapse into myself. I am going to truly miss her. Who is going to love me now? that unconditional love a mother carries for her child. She was my friend, my protector, my guide, and my warrior. There is no one who will have her loyalty as she gave to me. Her loyalty is never torn to serve another. I never knew how much I love her til now. I have taken her for granted. I see her faults but through clearer eyes. Her intentions yet good became catastrophic and yet I find myself smiling. In a moment I finally understood every pain she felt, every worry, and every tear.

Why? Why did I have to come to realize this now? Is every child cursed with this? Do my own children not know my worth? Do they know of my loyalty?

I always held my mother immortal. Am I immortal?

My mom spent my life trying to make up for something. I want to tell her that she never did anything wrong. She was never malicious. Does she hear my thoughts? Must I speak out loud for her to hear? Or did she always carry the faith that one day I will come to understand her? Did she have this much faith in me? Do I have the same faith for my children?............

Standing before her I allow my eyes to travel down her body. I start at her head. Her eyes are closed but I can see her smiling and laughing towards me. I strain to hear her voice. I hear of nothing. No sigh, no whisper, not even a slight breath. Continuing my journey, my eyes rest at her hands. I look at my own searching for resemblance. I vaguely catch a glimpse. Or maybe it was wishful thinking. I am trying to carry something of her with me. I had forgotten I have her eyes, the color of her hair and certain expressions mirrored her own. It was important to me to have her hands. Why was this so important to me? If she goes, do I go? Do I not exist without her? Why ? Why her hands? I cry harder because my hands are not like hers they are just hands. my hands…

It did not occur to me the absurdity of my thoughts. My mind swirled with all the connections I had with my mom. Then suddenly everything became chaotic around me. The void of everything feasted upon my flesh. I am nothing, nothing without her. Now, my mother lays before me quietly. I stood motionless against the gust of wind in the void around me. Then in an instant, I was back. Back in that hospital room with my dead mother.

Without knowing what to say and mask my grief, I told her it was a good day to die. I asked her to visit me often and always offer me guidance. I knew she would do everything I asked of her because no matter in this life, my life or any other she will always be my mother.

I leaned down and kissed her forehead. Sobs stuck in my throat. Even in death, I wanted to show her how brave I am. Make her proud. My body shook, my head exploded. All of a sudden I wanted to smash the window, throw chairs around the room. I am angry. She is NOT supposed to die! I screamed inside my head, I tore at my heart and sliced my soul. Heaven and Hell are battling inside of me. I didn’t think I would survive. The flesh on my bones began to burn and my eyes only saw the blurred image of my mother. “Don’t leave me” I begged silently. My mother was taking something from me that I would never find again.

She is taking my home. She is my home. My beautiful disastrous home.

The forest holds many secrets yet offers no judgment. Overcast, rainy, and the air crisp I walked quietly among the trees. They allowed me entrance into their kingdom. With honor, I held my head down as to show respect and submission. I knew the secrets were to be revealed I only had to ask. I began this journey of myself not so long ago. Every night for weeks I would cast my circle, arranged my stones, light my candles then awaited for vision. Now I am here standing in the forest awaiting for the answer to my question. A soft sigh escapes my lips as I take the first step. The grass tickles the soles of my feet. Birds sing a sympathy. Creatures hide but I know they are near. I feel their energy. The crackling of elecrity tuned the molecules of my DNA. I couldn't tell if they were here out of curisoty or to act as guides ensuring the completion of my journey. No matter, I shall move on and accept for what I have asked. The forest will hold my secret. my perception. I will always from this moment on be- different, clearer, and real. I will be real, conscious, and aware. Aware of who I really am, who I truly meant to be. Why do we dream? Why do we know of things that cannot be successfully explained? Why did I choose my choices? Too many questions with less answers.

For what seemed like hours, I finally came upon a clearing with a small brook. Within this brook crystal clear water dances upon the bed of stones. The water forms a perfect circle amongst the stones. I then knew in this instant I was summoned to a portal. Without fear, I step into the water. The cold, frigid tempature shocks my heart. Time stopped. for. only. a. brief. moment................... As the blood burns through my body, a burst of light shoots out of me from every pore, every cell I possess. The portal pulls me down, swallowing me, the light, the being I have became. Every life I ever had, every memory I held, every thought I entertained merged into this being of me. I had no ending, no beginning, light, dark, and everything in between is me. This is my true form. This is my immortality. I will forever exist. Energy never dies, never fades, never disappears and for a mere lifetime has the opportunity to experience the parallel realities.