An introductory to a set of regulations that would have been helpful at the beginning of your cognitive development (also known as the baffling and grueling process of coming to the realization that you are a living, breathing, thinking being brought into a perilous and volatile existence against your will), yet introduced to you years after you've experienced half or more of your life doing the wrong things.
Rule Number One,
Do not lie to your mother.
Like a shark smelling a drop of blood in the ocean, she can sniff out your foolish fibbing from miles away. You will get caught. You will not escape. And yes, she will give you a reason to cry about.
Rule Number Two,
Pink slips are not the end of the world.
They do not go and stay on your criminal or academic record. I know you felt like a champion after hitting Gina in her ugly face with a spit wad in science class, and a monster immediately after getting sent to the Big Bad Office, but I can promise you that you'll never hear about it again. It's a useless square of paper and its only purpose is to scare trouble-making little brats into being on their best behavior.
In fact, right now, your pink slip is either rotting away in a file cabinet that hasn't been opened in twenty years, or it's somewhere out in the world sitting in a landfill and getting pissed on by rats.
You're welcome, brat.
Rule Number Three,
Quicksand is never going to be an issue. Calm down.
Rule Number Four,
Boys are pointless and unnecessary.
Go out with your friends. Take yourself to prom. The only dates you need are study dates. School now, boys later. Or girls. Is this a good time to tell you that you'll grow up to like both?
Rule Number Five,
Shut the hell up.
At least 99% of your problems could have been avoided if you just shut the hell up.
So, shut the hell up.
*These rules are subject to change depending on the various stupid decisions you've made in the past, or will make in the future.