the rains fell and the floods came

and everything with it

and at some point it went away

but the flood lines remained

and the mudslides too

and all that was left of you

was a ragged teddy bear

washed up on a log

i found a robin's egg cracked open on the sidewalk

ants carried away the pieces of the shell to

wherever broken things go

the not-quite formed body of the unborn bird lay

on the ground, covered in ants.

i knelt, examining the scene before me as a sadness rippled

through my chest and into my stomach

i wonder if i had fallen when i was twelve

would the ants have carried me off to

wherever broken things go?

i visited an old friend the other weekend.

i met her dad at the door and he gave me a hug

but there was a sad look in his eyes. the kind of

look that tells you he can't believe how fast i've

grown up--how fast any of us have grown up.

he asks me how i'm doing and i give the polite response

"i'm good...how 'bout you?"

he hesitates for a moment as the sadness deepens,

pooling like puddles of rain in his eyes.

he tells me about his kids--the kids i grew up with.

he tells me how only one of his sons is interested

in getting married anytime soon. he asks me if i

have anyone and i nod. i do. he continues on to

tell me of his other son... he says he has some

"problems"

i know what they are.

the wind whistles through the cracked screen door

and i shiver. life is cold and gray now...nothing

like what it once was.

i visited an old friend the other weekend.

but that's all it was...old.

I have the tendency to be all in or nothing at all.

Except I can't with you.

There's too much uncertainty.

Too much hurt for me to risk something like this again.

This. How stupid. To think that I could even label our relationship.

A friendship. A situationship. Mere strangers.

I don't know where we stand and that's why it's so difficult.

I wish things were more clear but for now I guess I will just wait.

But waiting is hard when the days drag, never ending.

Class after class, assignment after assignment...

I'm scared time will fly past me and nothing will ever change.

We will simply be ships in the night passing each other by for the rest of eternity.

I can almost imagine it's autumn.

It's after lunch time and I'm sitting

in the back of my last college lecture of the day.

A lifeless blue chair that has an arm

wrapped around in the form of a desk

is the only thing separating me from the

cold concrete wall. There's a window right

behind me but the blinds are closed.

If I close my eyes,

I can imagine it's autumn

with the leaves falling to the ground behind me.

A train horn sounds in the distance--

the same train that went right past my

childhood home. I wonder when the

last time I jumped in a leaf pile was or

dragged the massive blue tarp to the burn pile.

I wonder when the last time I ran

through my backyard was. I wonder

when the last time I ate a chocolate chip

Eggo waffle was. I can't do things anymore--

they remind me of you.

I can almost imagine it's autumn.

But autumn will never be the same

as it was when you were here.

the end of the academic year has arrived. the few short months you and i shared as friends have come to an end. where we once stood, closer than ever, we now must part--farther than when we were strangers. there is nothing worse than knowing someone for who they truly are and then losing them. not to sickness or death or drama but to life. things come and go and so did you. i hope that time brings you back around to me...that maybe just maybe that's the way the circle of life works. maybe in the fall you'll realize just what you let go and you will find the courage to come back to me. i will leave the porch light on for you. i will always save you a seat in study hall or in the cafeteria, just in case you decide to revisit the times we had together. i will always be one call away if you ever decide to ask for my number. i guess that is the hardest part of life for me... i will continue to love you even after you have hurt me whether it was intentional or not. you will always have a place in the back corner of my heart. i will always be a stranger waiting for you.

it's almost cliché to say you make me feel safe. it's such a fluffy statement, it doesn't do the feeling justice. when you're eyes gaze at me, staying a little longer than "just friends". when you go out of your way to be where i am, to be close to me, doing things i like with the people i enjoy hanging out with... our shared interests and views on life, the way we both let our failures go to our head...

maybe it's not a good thing to just let this all come out but i don't care. it's a ticking time bomb within my chest and it's a matter of time before i blow up.

i want to hold you. let you know the world doesn't deserve you. that you're doing amazing despite the pressure put on you from others. i want to know when you're sick, or sad, or feeling under the weather. i want to know how your day was, how your yesterday was, and how your tomorrow will be. i want you.

You told me your first memory was sitting at the bottom of the slide in your back yard, watching hot air balloons land in the field next to you. I can picture a little you, eyes wide and mouth agape in wonder at the sight of such a thing, the sun shining through your too-short blonde hair. You deserve the world. I hope you know that.