Running thoughts…

They don’t stop….

They can be happy.

They can be sad.

They can be impulsive.

They can be obsessive.

Does it ever stop?

Do you want it to ever stop?

Im confused.

Im lost.

I’m happy.

I’m outgoing.

Im depressed.

Im done.

I’m excited.

I’m ready.

Im Lost.

Running thoughts.…

Do they ever stop?

You know what.

Fuck you.

This is why I don’t make friends…

with Women.

Because they always do this shit!

the shot you did to me.

Starts off, best friends.

We hangout…

We watch scary movies….

We do each others hair….

We talk all day…

Everyday…

We learn about each others life’s…

Remember the little things….

I was there for you.

You we’re becoming my best friend.

We got stupid together.

We drank.

We drank.

Then we drank.

Two bottles of tequila in.

Were getting kicked out.

We’re on the sidewalk.

I am having the time of my life.

Then you.

You.

Kiss me.

Oh I should have stopped.

I should have stopped.

But you wanted to keep going.

So did I.

Then.

You ghost me.

Tell me you need time.

TIME FROM WHAT?

All because you made a “mistake”

I lose a friend?

Guess I didn't really mean anything at all.

A year of getting to know each other.

Out the door.

All because of a 165 dollar tab.

Nothing personal.

You get it right?

You’re too much.

You’re too passionate.

You’re too loud, even when you’re quiet.

You’re…

You’re too.

You’re too you.

You’re not enough.

But you’re too much.

What am I then?

Who am I then?

You pulled me out of that deep dark place.

You were there for me.

When I didn’t even know I needed it.

I needed it then the most.

You stayed back when you felt it was best.

You nudged your way in when you saw an opening.

You were there as a friend. An I asked why.

An that’s when you said,

“Because it seemed like you needed a friend.”

I did.

Oh boy I did.

An you were there.

You became my best friend.

Now you are my life.

My husband to be.

You were there for me then.

You are there for me now.

An that’s all I could ask for you to be.

I will be there for you.

When you need it too.

All you have to do is ask.

An I’ll be right there…

Next to you.

Just like you were there for me.

When I needed it the most.

I’ll be there for you.

All you have to do… is ask

An I will be there…

For you.

I feel like I am going crazy.

I have all these thoughts running through my head.

They don’t seem real.

I seem too full.

They are just thoughts…

That’s what she’d say.

You can just walk away….

That’s what she’d also say.

But I can’t.

It’s hard.

They keep coming back.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to say.

But these thoughts

Just don’t go away.

Wait.

Sometimes. Sometimes

They go away.

They go away.

When shes away.

They go away….

When I am with him.

He’s there for me.

He sees me.

He encourages me.

Good things. Only good things.

Are here, with me.

When he’s….

With me…

She’s suffocating….

It’s hard.

She just wants to be there for me.

She thinks I don’t let her in.

She gets jealous to easily.

Because of me.

I don’t want to be like her.

I am like her.

But I am also me.

I don’t want to be like her.

When I’m a mother.

I don’t want to be her.

Like she has been with me.

I want to be me.

Just me.

I

Want

To

Be

Me

I hold myself together

But I’m broken inside

You said I was perfect

But you lied

I told you how I felt

An then told you how I know it will end

You said no matter what

You would be by my side

I told you we can’t go on

I told you I was sorry

I wanted to be friends

I wanted you in my life

You said I didn’t care

You said I don’t have feelings

You said it was easy for me

You said you don’t even know why you have feelings for me

But you didn’t ask me

One bit

On how I feel

You just downed me

Like I don’t know I hurt you

I hurt inside

I have for a long time

I may hold myself together

But I am broken inside

I overthink too much.

I assess situations, as if they were math problems.

An I am no good at math...

I start to open up....

Then I shut down.

They say I make them happy.

They make me happy...

More than they can even imagine.

I start to open up...

Then I shut down.

But this wasn’t in my plans.

I didn’t plan for this.

This just happened.

I tried hitting that off switch.

I went in there an killed it.

I was so close....

But, then...

There was a ticking.

A ticking, I’ve only slightly felt before.

I felt it enough to know what it meant.

That they were just like the last one.

They all start that ticking.

It’s a fucking ticking time bomb.

An if I don’t cut the wire now...

They will cut it for me.

Then I’ll be the one hurt.

I’ll be the one to clean up the mess.

They move on.

To the next one.

While I sit.

An try to put Humpty Dumpty,

Back the fuck together again.

“This one is different” I say.

Yea, they are different.

So I let them in.

Tick, tick, tick.

I open up...

That feeling is something I can’t explain.

I have only felt it a couple times.

I feel like that freshman,

That falls for a senior.

An doesn’t think about graduation.

Then I shut down.

What happens when you graduate?

What you gunna do?

Huh?

Leave me the fuck here?

All alone?

You got me thinkin about all this shit.

An what are you doin?

Just here for the ride?

Just here for the thrill of it?

You say your different.

I call bull shit.

This always happens.

You fuck with me an then leave me.

Just like the last one did....

I start to open up...

Then I shut down.

Hi, it’s me again...

Sorry about that.

I told you I’m confused.

You are amazing.

Thank you for sticking around with my bs.

I really enjoy this.

I just don’t know.

I guess I’m bad at being nice...

To the people I have feelings for.

I start to open up...

I know I have issues.

You don’t know the shit I’ve been through.

You don’t know the shit that that one.

One fucking person has put me though.

No it’s nothing like that.

It’s okay.

I’m okay.

Let’s just get on with it an be happy,

Okay?

“That sounds good to me.” You say.

You go back to being you.

You make me feel all so good.

You give me everythin’ I could ask for.

Your going down my list.

Checking the boxes,

Checking it twice.

Makin’ sure you didn’t miss anything.

Because you said I deserve it all.

You said I deserve it all...

That’s all I ever wanted.

You meet all the requirements.

You keep going.

Adding your flare.

Making my list yours now.

Something that I don’t share.

You cut that boundary,

Like you were meant to be there.

That’s how you roll.

How you carry yourself.

You start making up your own rules.

Giving me cute little notes.

Going further than planed.

I let it happen.

Do I let it continue?

Then I shut down.

I call up my main bitch.

She’s always there when I need her.

She tells me to come clean.

That she knows me.

She knows how fucked up I be.

She knows that I’m so fucking worried,

About what you’ll do to me.

Then she tells me,

“You can’t do this shit to him,

You should be worried.

About what you’ll do to him.

You’ve come to me about this a few times man.

I think this is it.

This is the time to cut it off

Tick tick tick.

You can’t let that time keep going.

Because in the end, you ain’t hurting yourself.

Your only hurting him.

Then you’ll be like the last bitch.

You ain’t that shit.

So stoping doing this shit to yourself,

But most of all.

Stop doing this shit to him.”

Then I shut down.

Okay man.

I can’t do this to you.

I got two people tellin’ me to do the right thing.

This is the right thing.

I need to make that tick tick stop.

I wanna reach over an comfort you.

I wanna reach over an hold you.

I wanna be there for you.

But that’s how it started last time.

That’s when we were going with it the wrong way.

Now I need to cut this shit out.

No matter how it makes me feel.

Because it ain’t a bout me right now.

It’s about you.

Your sweet,

Loving, an you gave me,

All the motherfuckin’ TLC.

All the shit I wanted,

In just a short amount of time.

You gave me all that.

An what have I given to you?

I gave you shit.

So I’m ending this.

Because you don’t deserve someone like this.

You deserve it all.

You deserve someone that can help you.

You deserve to be treated the way you treated me.

An I can’t give you that.

Because I’m broken.

You say that’s okay.

But no. It’s not.

I feel like shit, man.

I can’t bring you down with all of this.

You’re fucking sunshine.

You make people glow,

You make them happy,

You make people feel loved,

Wanted.

That’s all I wish for you.

But I ain’t that chick that can give it to you.

I wish I could.

This time I ain’t the one to explode.

You tell me I don’t need to explain it.

You tell me to quit it with the “buts”

Because that’s how it started again.

“I get it now,

I need to get that shit though my head,

This the third time.

Third time.

You told me this shit an I went for it again.

I get it.

You don’t need to explain.

I’m done now.

I’ll get over it.

Yea, I’m hurt.

I’ll be okay tomorrow.

I get it.

No need to fucking explain.

You know what.

It’s not like it would have worked before.

We’re different.

Our age gap would get in the way.

I got kids.

I’m not your type anyway....”

No need to explain.

Here I go explaining.

You get it now?

You see how my head works?

I act like I got my shit together.

When really I’m all broken inside.

I don’t know what I’m doing,

I need guidance.

But before that.

I need to get my shit together.

I let that bomb explode last night.

I cried last night.

I cried the second you turned your back on me.

That moment you walked to your car.

I’m unstable.

But hey at least you know now.

Can we start over?

Can I open up to you an not shut down?

When I mean start over...

I mean,

Hey, nice to meet you.

I’d like to be your friend.

Be there for you.

We’ll talk about our shit,

and get to know each other.

Just like friends do.

I ain’t gunna start that other shit again.

I did the right thing cutting it off.

Because I was only hurting you.

I promise I won’t do that to you again.

But I can’t say you don’t make me smile,

Because then I’d be lying to you.

An hey,

If shit happens way on in the future.

Then shit happens.

But let’s take right now.

Just to get to know each other.

Like any other friend would.

Because I want to open up to you.

An ask you how you been?

Hey.

....

.........

_________

Sometimes, I feel like I’m not here.

Physically, yes.

Mentally, I’m no where near.

I’d wish I could tell where I go.

However,

Even I do not know.

This place I dare to go.

Shall save me from that deep black hole.

That I only wish I do not go.

Because this deep black hole.

Consumes my thoughts and feelings,

Holds them captive,

And it feeds off me from the inside.

And tells me,

Dare you shall go,

I’ll just pull you back in this deep black hole.

I can stay away from this deep black hole.

By keeping my thoughts on the train.

And going to that little place,

That not even I know where it goes.

Come aboard,

The train of thoughts.

Let’s see where our brain dares us,

To go...

A poem a day,

Can take the pain away.

It might not rhyme,

It just has to feel right.

Don’t rush, you have time.

It can take as little as two minutes.

So don’t get all caught up with your daily shit.

Just take, five minutes of each day.

For yourself.

To write,

A poem a day.

It can take as little as two minutes.

So don’t get all caught up with your daily shit.

I fell

Deep down

The rabbit hole

There I sat

And was lost in my thoughts

The feeling of never leaving

Was oh very appealing

However

I have realized

I need to be here

That my wonderland can wait

I am not just done here yet

I have plenty of tea parties to attend

So I shall find my way back one day

But may the trip be

More appealing to thy

I shall be back

So save the tea

I'll be more mad than ever

And will forget all my worries

So don't forget the real me

I'll be back for tea