Dear me,

When you close your eyes at night, I know the life that you long for. Your dreams are so much bigger than this tiny town. Sadness and angish are replaced by happiness and sunshine in your dreams. I know you want that seemingly impossible life. I know you want a life of fulfillment. A life that feels worth living.

I know you don't want to hear this, but life is not what you expect. True, my days are now my own. I am no longer chained to my bed with a black hole of despair. Yet, happiness is not what you think.

I know you think one day you'll just wake up and wash it all away. I'm here to tell you that won't happen. It takes years of hard work to become that person. And even when you achieve it, you'll still always be haunted by the ghosts of your past. Those carefree days you dream of will not match the reality laid out in your imagination.

I know you think you know exactly how your career and life will play out. I'm here to tell you those aspirations were all abandoned years ago. Years of bills, medical surprises, and broken promises will cause you to settle. You will need to change the entire way you think of yourself, your career, and what it truly means to live well. Yes, you will still be free to dream. But the life you eventually come to achieve will be much smaller than your endless dreams.

No, your happiness will not be what you are now imagining. You will settle and compromise until your life is livable, but not the spectular event you dream of at night. You will eventually realize that your happiness will never be the careful fulfillment you think. Your hope will turn into a life of quiet desire. A yearning to find that happiness you once longed for, but is now so far out of reach.

I don't know if I can say anything to truly prepare you for the pain you have yet to endure. I know you think you are living in the darkest part of the planet. I know you think that the light can't be far from you. Sadly, I know you have darker days ahead of you before you can finally be free. You will become all to accustomed to hearing doctors say that they are powerless to help you. In just a few short years, you will have to watch your own boyfriend be buried. It will be years before you are truly financially stable. And even when you are, you will still be drowning in medical bills. There is no way to prepare you for what lies ahead.

I don't want you to think that my point in telling you all this is that it's not worth the pain. Yes, if I could, I would change what lies ahead for you. But I sadly do not process such powers. You will get to a point where you are content with the life you have settled, scraped, and sacrified to earn. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be the blinding sun you are imagining. It's more an everlasting glow of embers from a once roaring fire. But it is there. And you will learn to warm yourself with the glow of the embers.

Before I write, let me preface this. I know I haven't been posting a lot. I miss it, but I've been undergoing a lot of scary and unknown health issues that has made it difficult to continue to write. I'm just beginning to get answers, but there are still many unknowns and my life is continually impacted every day. I hope to soon get back to writing more frequently. While I was meditating tonight and working my way through some of the intense emotions surrounding this, I had a particularly interesting experience that I thought I would share. It was very on-point for what I think many of us are feeling right now, regardless of the circumstances causing it. Maybe, just maybe, if we can share and relate to one another's emotions during such a turblent time, we'll come out the other side. I hope that this experience resonates with some of you, and you find some comfort in the fact that there are lots of us out there who are experiencing similar emotions right now. Anyway, here goes, hope you enjoy...

Oozing, festering, rotting, hot molten lava. It's flowing through my body, growing, taking up every nook & cranny of my body, seeping through all the croacks & crevices, spilling into all the empty spaces of my soul. Where has this anger been hiding? I don't know how long it's been there, but it has the aura of an eternity. It's eating away at my soul. What does it need? Sensing a feeling of longing to be heard, I surrender my higher self to the anger.

I watch my higher fall into the oozing molten lava. I allow my higher self to be bathed in the scorching heat and liquid fire. I feel the anger quickly rise and expand, filling the few remaining crevices that were previously empty. For a brief moment, I'm entirely consumed. My higher self evaporates with the heat, my body boiling over with the lava.

I've now become the anger and oozing molten liquid. Soon the liquid cools and my higher self resolidifies. I hear my higher self ask, 'what is your purpose here, what is it you need'? In the blink of an eye, the lava consumes her once more, somehow expanding even more than before. Soon it begins to cool and ebb.

She asks yet again 'what is your purpose, what do you need'? No answer returns my cries. Over and over she repeats the question. 'What is your purpose, what do you need?' Silence continues to fall on exasperated ears. She asks once more, about to give up. 'What is your purpose, what do you need?'

At last, before the words even finish escaping her lips, a response comes through. The now semi-solidified ooze all at once becomes a river of tears. She is now treading water in an endless ocean of tears. A soft voice gently replies 'I just want to be noticed, be heard, be cared for and loved'.

Just like that, the ocean shrivels into a small puddle. It's now easily engulfed in the arms of my higher self. The now-puddle is cradled in the arms the way a mother cradles a newborn infant. And just like a new mother, she begins to rock the puddle. Each gentle sway of the arms slowly soothing away the pain. As the puddle slowly disappears, she begins to walk away. 'Not yet-don't leave me yet', a soft voice desparately pleads. And so my higher self continues to rock until there's nothing left to soothe to sleep.

#streamofconciousness #emotions #prose

I have been going back and forth on whether or not to post this all day. As someone living in America I have a lot to say on the election. If you are someone who is tired of politics and needs to shut off all political views, I highly recommend scrolling past this post. Believe me, I understand. For those who care to read this, thank you for taking the time to hear me! These are just my personal feelings on the recent events, and I just need a space to air them out right now. I trust that you all will be able to respect that.

Yes, I voted for Biden in this election. Yes, I'm still (somewhat) dismayed by the results. We have spent the past four years living in a bubble of fear, hatred, and anger. We are afraid for our friends who are immigrants and have been under constant threat of losing their own family and children. We are afraid for our LBGTQ friends who are constantly being harassed and attacked just for being themselves. We are afraid for women around the country, who are being seen as a second-class citizen. And yes, we are afraid for our friends of all colors, as the cops continue to brutalize them. And the leader of our nation has spent the last four years feeding into these fears and hatred of fellow man-kind.

I am deeply disturbed by how many people wanted four more years of this. The race was so close that it could've easily had another ending. So many areas in our country where people voted for this fear-mongering and hatred of others. How can you look around and decide this is what you want for the next four years?

But tonight is not a night for lamenting. Tonight is a night of jubilation. After a long and tumulous election, love finally won out. Enough people decided that love and acceptance are worth fighting for. We decided that after four long years of dispair, we are ready for a better tomorrow.

We must not forget that this is not the end of the road. There is still half of our country that chose another path. It would be naive to think that our problems are through with the end of the election. We must remember to stand up for what's right. We must remember that we are a deeply divided nation, and there is still much out there to fight for. Yes, tonight we celebrate. But once the jubilation and hang-over wear off, we must pick ourselves up and remember to stand-up for those around us when we feel the hatred and angst rearing it's ugly head once more.

#opinion #streamofconciousness #nonfiction

I close my eyes and see the abyss before me. It's deep, dark, and inviting. Something about the abyss seems so familiar and so comforting. I could swear that I've been here so many nights before.

I start to remember. Now I know I've been here before. It's my safe haven. It's where all my unspoken secrets are locked. All those feelings that society has pushed to the margins of the page get locked in this eternal abyss.

It's become my sancuary. The only place I can go to feel everything that's supposed to be 'taboo'. I sink further into the abyss as all those feelings begin to overwhelm me. Everything that's been locked away by the expectations of society are finally unraveling.

With my eyes still closed, I run my fingers over the underside of my wrist. It's as smooth as the stones of a rushing river. But here in the abyss, it's covered in scars. From all the times life became too much to bear. Wanting to feel something, anything, and just imaging how that first cut would feel.

My hand moves and lays on my chest. It hurts from the rage. Sometimes life can be so cruel. Why does my body continually fail me? Why did he have to die so young? If I express all the rage, I might never stop. I'm to afraid to feel the rage, so it gets locked in the abyss where it can't do any more harm.

As I sink into what I can only imagine is the bottom of the abyss, I find the shredded remains of my hope. That youthful naivety that tells you the whole world is still yours for the taking. It's been a long time since I've felt that level of happiness and liberation. That too gets locked away. The weight of life crushed that hope long ago.

I stumble my way out of the abyss. All those ferocious feelings have been contained yet again. As the abyss melts away, sleep finally washes over me. And I know that tomorrow, the whole dance will begin all over again.

I collapse on the sofa,

Another long day of doctors is through.

Will the madness ever end?

It's been months now that I've been sick.

Can't sleep, can't walk, can't breathe, completely bound by the confines of these walls.

Why is my body failing me?

Time is no longer relevant.

The circle of life is now a circle of work and doctors, doctors and work.

Where is the finish line to this infuriating rat race?

They've run all the tests,

Yet sill no answers are offered.

How many more tests are left before they finally know?

My hope for a solution has run out,

My lust for life died with my hope.

What ever happened to that light at the end of the tunnel?

A

Rat

In an

Endless

Maze.

Tick.

Tock.

Clock

Continues

To

Strike.

Time

Is

Standing

Still.

Walls

Forever

Shrinking.

Will

The

Maze

Never

End?

She pulled back the curtain and stepped in front of the mirror. The shower had stopped, but the water was still slowly dripping in the background. With the curtain pulled back, the beam of the full moon filled the room. The moon was bright enough that she could make out the outline of her figure in the mirror.

She takes a look in the mirror, unimpressed by what she sees. Her breasts are beginning to droop ever so slightly. It was the first sign she had noticed of the aging process. This was a stark contast to the baby face she continually maintained. She sees this in the mirror, and lets out an uncontented sigh.

As the day begins to unraverl in her mind, she finds her thoughts wandering. Is this really what adulthood is meant to be? The world was so full of hope and promise as a child. It seemed like anything and everything was possible all those years ago. She wanted so desparately to return to that world.

Adulthood was supposed to be like her childhood, unrestrained by responsibility. Yet the weight of adulthood continued to wear her down. Her eyes now only show a soul tormented by quiet desperation. She didn’t even know where the desperation came from. All she knew was that she just felt trapped.

With each passing year, the walls of the apartment would shrink. Her job no longer fulfilled her. She was finally making enough money to live, but nothing more. She longed to travel but could never find the time. She knew she wanted more from life. She may never get whatever it was she craved. The thought weighed on her so heavily that her soulders collapsed.

As she crossed the threshold of the bathroom and laid down in bed, her thoughts again turned to the past. She remembered how long it took her to get stability. The days of uncertainty were finally behind her. She had worked hard to build this life for herself. That in and of itself should’ve been enough to make her satisified.

Her eyes slowly close while she waits for sleep to wash over her. She begins to wonder if maybe she was wrong about what ‘growing up’ really is all this time. Maybe growing up isn’t about reaching all the milestones you wanted as a kid. Maybe growing up is about the journey. Maybe the freedom you have as a child is meant to stay in the past. Maybe adulthood is about the lessons you learn on the way to growing up. After all, how do you even know when you’re a grown-up? Or just maybe, it’s about living the best life that you can. She may not feel fulfilled quite yet, but she knew she was living life to the best of her ability. At least for tonight, that thought was enough to let her succumb to the sleep.

Spring is sprung.

The new season bringing with it new life.

With the last remanants of snow on the ground,

The buds of new life begin to show.

The ground has not yet thawed.

That doesn’t stop the birds from singing their song.

The sun offers a welcome fervor after a cold and harsh winter.

The air itself has a new zest for life.

As if by magic, the crocuses have returned.

Their short stature is just a reminder of the seasons to come.

Their vibrant colors are just the beginning of a season of renewed hope.

Soft and wide petals offering a glimmer of happiness.

Though a bright a cheerful flower, it’s doomed as all good things are.

As quickly as they appeared, soon they are gone.

The petals begin to droop in the now ever-present warmth.

One-by-one falling back to the earth.

There they shall remain.

Hidden while the seasons continue to change.

Summer, fall, and winter coming one-by-one.

Yet by the new spring, crocuses have sprung.

I don't remember much of my childhood, though I was told I was happy. I don't remember that feeling. All I remember is the pain.

I vaguely remember my younger self. The middle school me staining her pillow with the tears. Too depressed to continue with life, too cowardly to end it. Laying in bed completely paralyzed by the anguish.

I remember a little more of my high school years. My soul crushed under the weight of expectations. Always doing everything to please the rest of the world. I so desparately want the expectations to be replaced by fulfillment. I can never quite grasp it, no matter how I try.

My wings began to sprout in college. I continue to struggle, though at least I've begun to taste some freedom. I began to find small things that I can call my very own. But there's still a gnawing inside of me. A small voice telling me that there has to be more to life than just trying to survive one more day.

I am finally free of college. Only a few close friends believe I would finish strong enough to see graduation. Now what? I've done everything I'm supposed to do. I'm now done with all my schooling. My whole life is still ahead of me. Maybe now I can find some fulfillment?

I begin to take on a career. Some jobs are just a temporary resume booster. Others I take as a mere form of paying the rent. How is it that in all your years as a student, one ever tells you just how hard it is to keep a roof over your head? The bills are piling up and I have no idea how I can keep up.

I finally begin to build a career. The bills are daunting, but at least there's always food on the table. I am no longer struggling to survive. I can finally begin to find small ways to treat myself. Everything still feels so hollow. When will that feeling go away?

I am finally stable. The bills are being paid. I find a place I can finally call home. A job that will not vanish as quickly as it came. Why is it that I still don't feel happy? This should be enough, it only took me nearly 3 decades to achieve it after all. But it's not. I am not unhappy, merely numb. Stuck in an emotional purgatory.

Maybe I'm just not meant to experience true joy. I've spent a lifetime trying to find some small sliver of happiness. Why can I still find no evidence it exists? Maybe I'm just meant to spend my whole life being numb. Maybe this is as good as my life will get. Forever stuck in this emotional purgatory.

What is it that makes us human?

Maybe our humanity lies in our imperfections.

Maybe our untamable emotions hold the key to humanity.

To find this answer, I write.

Where does our soul lie?

Maybe it's locked deep down inside, waiting to be released.

Maybe it's something we find along our journey through life.

To find this answer, I write.

How do we handle life's biggest questions?

Maybe we look outward to some higher power.

Maybe we look inward to find the answers buried deep within our soul.

To find this answer, I write.

How do we make major life decisions?

Maybe it's our base instincts that drive us.

Maybe cold hard logic is the best compass we have.

To find this answer, I write.

What does it mean to live a life fulfilled?

Is it the most selfless acts that give us satisifaction?

Or do we look to our careers and define it as financial success?

To find this answer, I write.