Is it wrong that I relish that feeling of darkness? I know the problem is the depression itself and that I sound like an emo teen, but I do like it. In many ways I feel like the shiny, sunny, cheerful, bright, and all that side of me is false. That no matter how hard I try to be happy it is just a facade.

I'm too perfect, I have a good life, a good job, and I'm healthy. So why do I wish I was blind, or that I didn't have a hand or a foot, or that I had lung problems, or that I had a mental illness to struggle through. Is that it? I want to struggle through something? Am I some kind of sick masochist just to feel something? And yet when I don't achieve greatness in something, when I fail, I hate it. I always want to be the best at everything. So why do I seek pain and suffering when I also shy away from it so that I only do things that I am good at?

This is why I relish those depressive moods. It makes me feel as though something is wrong with me... perhaps something is...

Desire is something that drives me mad. My 'morals' tell me to not act. They are currently stronger than the desire, but as the desire grows I am pushed further and further into madness against the moral cage that i live in. It would not be a problem if I let go would it? To just take her and lay her out and make her mine and let go of all else the other. I'm tied to another because she came first, because I felt pity for her and am too "kind" to break up with her. Why do I stick around? why do I even promote this?

And then there is that other woman. I see her, I talk to her, I smell her. but I cannot have her. not like this, not now, not in this way. Two ways could I take her as my own. to lay her out and penetrate deep within her body. if i were an honest man I would break all previous ties and be a clean man. ...or... or I could keep it down, never tell anyone... never let another soul know. and take her as my own. What does it matter if I tie her to the bed of my mind and do those things which I cannot to her in person. To completely unleash myself from my moral cage and take her body as my own, if only in thought. To see her laid bare on the bed. Her body quivering in fear and tension and lust and want and anticipation. she would feel whatever I wanted her to feel. slowly decending upon her tied form. taking from her what I should never, ever possess. bringing her into the dungeon that is my mind, where "safe words" don't exist, and the only thing that will stop my feverish ravaging of her body is my own exaustion... but of course, this is a mind game, and my mental self does not tire easily. She will beg for help, scream for release, but it doesn't matter because it isn't real. right? it's just my mind... what does it matter?

...she would hate me for this. the other woman, my woman, would hate me for this. my family would never forgive me for this. I could never forgive me for this. So I don't unleash the dark part of my mind. I keep it in my moral cage. Thank God I have some form of a moral cage.

but everytime I entertain even the idea of it, I can feel the bars slip... I can feel myself take a step towards mental action I don't dare think about lest I make it happen

What are tu?

Vous ne eat pas?

But veni tu all the same?

Finestras are не ответ per domande

Of Vita et muerte

ne jump pas!