A dose of ...
Sometimes, when the light shines perfectly in the cold, stone walled house, regardless of the tragedy that weighs heavy on the mind, the lovely dust becomes a galaxy. And all of a sudden, the opportunities are endless.
Perpetual lies to ease the mind
We are responsible for our own state of mind. We have the ability to alter our perspective in order to channel positive energy. But sometimes the mind shouldn’t be manipulated. Sometimes we need to feel and express our emotional aches and pains. Through this we find a deeper understanding of our individual worlds. In understanding them, we will ultimately be set free from them.
So I’ll let my mind accept the pain of loss. No one can prepare you for the ridiculous emotions that come with love. Ranging from euphoric to petrified but always a little concerned.
A cycle of violence stemming from alcohol abuse and his use of heroin resulted in the end of my relationship with the love of my life. Once we became conscious of this cycle, we both knew we couldn’t be together. As much as I want to support him, I realize that the best way to do that is to not be with him. That truth was revealed through unimaginable pain.
I still think about him everyday, however, in order to continue living and breathing, sometimes I need to change what is in my mind. Sometimes I create an illusion that all of those horrible nights leading to the end never happened and that I’ll be seeing him soon. In deep meditation I have been able to alter my mind so intensely that I could feel his physical presence.
I imagine this is an arguably unhealthy coping technique but it is the delusions that allow me to breathe.
If I didn’t have a job, responsibilities, friends and family that rely on me for support, then i could release my mind to its natural rhythm, and though it might be painful, ultimately I would be free.
I believe the mind should be allowed its natural experience. But our world does not operate in this way, and so, to be a part of it, neither can we. We find ways to numb the undesirable rather than facing it. Next time you’re feeling blue, see what surfaces if you just let your mind unwind. Maybe you’ll find that it is indeed better to create reality from lies, or maybe you’ll find that the bad isn’t so bad after all. It is not smiles and laughter always, but it’s real. The actual real.
Making decisions has never been difficult for me. Since I can remember, when given options or life choices, I simply choose the direction and proceed down that path - never looking back. That is until about a year ago, decisions haven't seemed so black and white and I find myself constantly debating and lamenting over which way to go, only to regret which ever way I choose. Even worse, regretting the choices I made in the past that I previously pursued boldly without any doubt.
In my superficial senses I know there is no use in looking back and harvesting regret, yet it seems unavoidable in my deeper conscience. My regrets stem from my decisions and how I've made them. These are the ones that I regret most:
#1.) Forming a pill dependency at the ripe age of 17, longing for a skinnier waste line. Over a decade later, without my little pills I am lifeless though they no longer curve my appetite as they once did. They've become a part of my human make up, serving no other purpose than to make me as I would be before without them. Unless I take more than I should that is. Which of course I do because I'm vain above all else. Not only has this habit depleted my bank account but my poor little heart won't take much more of the constant abuse with prescribed amphetamines. And when I lie awake at night unable to sleep, I think about nothing but how this will be my end. All for nothing but a distorted perception of beauty that logic doesn't seem to shake.
#2.) alcohol. It's replaced everything that used to bring me natural joy. Once upon a time, the thought of adventures and traveling, experiencing new things, surfing and skating, spending time with good people, writing, art, love, family, future pursuits, these things would drive me and make me feel full. Somehow they've turned into burdens lightened only by the sweet taste of liquor, numbing my body and soul, making it all bearable. On paper I can see how wrong I am, but in my soul I feel nothing without my fix, my demise.
There's many other things but I've got no time to put them down. Nor do I really want to fixate on all the things I've done wrong. It's rather unsettling. And these words make them more real so I'll leave it at that and hope that my next decisions will be better ones.
So many arguments, so many tearful nights. So much against us, why must we fight.
Till one day the light shines bright, a little piece of clarity comes into sight. We're both joyous happy people with lives to live, is everything we've lost to each other worth what we give.
Let's be real, it's just not meant to be. What we once saw as love has been lost out to sea. But it doesn't have to end in anger, screams and tantrums. It can end where it began through the possibility of love. Perhaps not for you and I but for what we both deserve. Let's end things the way we began, with the lovely prospects of what's to come. I'll be happy for you and I hope you for me. And I look forward to what is meant to be.
This feels good
I hate you.
Ive been patient. I listen in the times you're down. I let go of the things you've done when you say you'll turn things around.
I respect you when no one else will. I stand up for you. I accept your vices, even when they make you a total fucking pill.
I fucking hate you. You piece of shit. You belittle me, call me a whore. Say I'll fuck any dick??? I loved you despite your little fucking prick.
Congratulations. You've cracked me. I thought I could withstand it all. You my friend, are an asshole. One which I will no longer call.
You mock my words, and judge my actions. You say I'm dumb, harass my every movement. I can't wait till you're completely out of my life.
But more than you, I hate me for letting you poison my world. Go fuck yourself.
I once felt so sure that one day my soulmate would come into my life. As a little girl it seemed like the white horse and Knight was a guarantee. A few loves later i realized that's just not how it's meant to be.
As a young adult I thought, well maybe it's not so glamorous, but surely there was a soul that was destined to unite with me. A few loves later i realized that's just not how it's meant to be.
Later in life I thought I actually found the one. Two souls united at last. Lovely as it was, love just wouldn't last. And then I realized my soul mate is me, and that's all that was ever meant to be.
A river rock
I once was a river rock
Water would drift over me
But then the river dried up
And I was left to be
Nothing but a rock
There is no “you”. It’s just me
She drinks wine like it's water
Then wonders why she's sad
Wonders about what's missing
And why she's going mad
She takes her pills each morning
And knows that it's not right
Knowing what she's missing
Yet won't put up the fight
Until one morning
She realized it was time
It may be dark
It may be nothing
But nothing is better than this
Then I came to this conclusion.
I don't know what to do anymore. Everyday is just passing by like the plague. I can't feel anything until I'm drinking, and the happiness from that passes far too soon. I want nothing. It's making less sense everyday. Every goddamn day.
Love is ...
Beautiful and exciting
Treacherous and terrifying
It's holding on
And letting go
It's stepping up
When they are low
Love is hanging on
It's walking away
It's picking up the pieces
Wherever they may lay
It's the pain you feel
When they won't stay
That brings the dark
To the brightest of days
Love is anger
Love is mistrust
Love is letting down the ones that you love
Love will trap you and destroy you
Rule you and disown you
Sometimes lovely but often not,
Love will bring up things
You thought you forgot
And make you feel such pain inside
Reveal you even though
they say love's blind
You're simply just not good enough for this
Not good enough to feel such bliss
To feel the warmth of a loving kiss
So love will set you straight
Love won't let you be blinded by fait
It won't allow you an excuse
No, true love will refuse
Love's beautiful and exciting
The thought seems so inviting
But love is wicked
Love can be weak
Love may not always give you
What you seek
Yet it seems to be the point
Love in 16 words
A smile, a stare, a laugh, a kiss
A touch that brings me undeniable bliss.