The bare lake ripples,

reflecting a single soul

—'Have you found yourself?'

°•°•°

Playing hide-and-seek,

moonlit veiled playground of woods,

'I'm here!'. . . yells the night

•°•°•

A cliff in plain sight

repeat the voices it hears,

'Who are you?' it asked

The sound

of waves

never sleep,

And the night grew colder

in each

cycle of

breath

Silence, as if not existing

Unhindered

to oblige

for the distant roars

to continuously

lull

in great

crashing echo—

What lingers

are the seaweed

tainted of salt,

carrying

fishy must.

The scent will always

follow the waves

to the shore

and embed

in the sand

Leaving the imprint

of time.

It seems

the night

is longer than

the day before

And in my wake

hopes

for longer slumber

Caution: Unedited.

The following parts are my disorganized thoughts and will have a possibility of the reader not being able to follow my train of thoughts. This is just another attempt of me dumping my emotionally disturbed mind.

_____________________________________________

I've always thought,

'How did I normally live my life? Just like back then?'

'I was on autopilot', is what I would say to my friend.

Doing things as it is. Flowing where the current goes.

Without much emotional understanding, days passed just like a blink of an eye.

Reactions from those time came back to me, haunting me for the neglect.

It was a delayed reaction. The process of me understanding how the world revolves was delayed further.

I killed off the ability of mine to understand myself.

Belatedly realizing that what I mostly needed that time was affection and recognition.

I was starving.

After much deprivation,

I woke up from my self-inflicted autopiloting.

Heh.

Why did I woke up?

Like some dry leaves being carried away, I just landed there where the wind stopped.

I stopped

Not particularly aware of what I'm supposed to be doing.

Oh right!

I'm supposed to go to college after forcing— I mean barely graduating from senior high school.

Get a degree after 4 years.

Graduate then get a job.

And save money.

Sounds easy.

Really.

I just have to be like myself back then.

I just have to not think of anything.

Think later. Feel later.

I just have to endure four more years.

It'll also pass just like a blink of an eye.

Really.

Well it's not.

I was like a good marionette maneuvering a car accidentally stepping on the breaks.

The steering wheel then get stucked, and the good little marionette gave it up so easily.

Deciding to accelerate without holding it.

Everything else didn't matter anymore.

I was headed for a cliff.

It was a beautiful cliff actually, ignoring the fact that jumping off of it will leave the car damaged with no return, and I will probably die.

Still, it's beautiful.

Dangerously beautiful.

Ruminating the past decisions, I was reminded of the consequences several months after.

A brief dialogue with my mom in different days overlapped.

"I did everything I could. We did everything we could! None of it is my fault. It's not my fault!"

Mom reprimanded me in their bedroom.

I was standing near their door looking at her face infused of anger.

Blankly staring.

It's my fault then, isn't it?

Well in common sense, it is, I stopped studying, practically dropping out of college without even informing the school. It's basically my fault. Yes. It's my fault.

"Tell me what's happening with you?! Do you need a psychiatrist?"

Mom suddenly asked, we've been sitting on the dinner table for a while now.

And I was surprised, she opened that kind of topic first before I even suggested it. I was given a false hope.

"Really? Should... Should I?"

It was a mistake.

I shouldn't have opened my mouth like I've always been doing.

Mom suddenly laughed.

She laughed.

"Crazy, you're crazy", she commented on my remarks.

I was dumbstruck and the hole digging deep within me was dug deeper.

On another day in front of the dinner table,

I slowly opened my mouth, in a spur of the moment.

"I always feel like I'm so faraway with you guys"

Blankly staring at the floor with my monotonous voice, I couldn't stop myself from talking.

"I couldn't feel you"

Stop

"I felt a great distance between us"

Stop please

I'm sorry

"It has always been like that, ever since I'm young"

Stop talking

I shouldn't have said that

I'm sorry

"It's like that? So it's always been like that?

So you don't love me? You don't love us? Is that it?"

It's not like that mom....

"No ma, I... I love you...."

I shouldn't have opened my mouth.

I should've stopped talking.

On some warm mornings and peaceful days, it came back to me like winter, leaving me frozen. On a normal sunny day, It's common for me to feel cold.

On some cold and rainy days, I would be laying under the blanket cradling with warmth, coming to me in muddled voices and hazy dream.

On some days like this, particularly feeling empty...or numb, if I could describe it correctly.

It gave me a time to think and analyze it over and over again. Justifying every scenarios to be... a chance of growth.

On a particular days like this,

Are the chances for me to cry rationally.

Perhaps, despite my constant fear of change, deep inside I actually crave it.

And it made me reckless.

While still not having my life together.

I am still left to wonder further.

'Before all of this things turning into a whirlpool of mess, how did I normally live back then?'

It's my name.

Lost in translation within multiple layers of unnamed alter ego.

Jumbled words is my second name.

Derived from homophones, which originated from the month I was supposed to be born into.

I am simply a name lost in thought

Lost in meaning

With a speck of my unhinged identity

I am a subconscious thought, purposely made, of a person whose in the verge of destroying oneself.

It was simply a last ditch resort

of saving a wailing child within.

It was supposed to burn everything down

Together with this subconscious thought

Burn everything

Leaving nothing even passion

And yet

When I light the match stick

with a flick of a hand

—a shriek bombarded me

Piercing me whole

Followed by another wail from within

Desperately

Defenseless, I couldn't fought the cacophonies filling me

And I found this place.

Within the few moments of discord

The wailing child escaped from the cracks

And hid here.

I am the subconscious thought

Purposely made

To protect the neglected child

From my own self

From me

myself

So desperately.

"And if the world don't break, I'll be shaking it..."

I'm on my way to my room on the second floor.

Breathless from a bit of exercise by climbing up the stairs.

My lungs pleading and thighs screaming. A reminder of how my feeble body needs a healthy lifestyle, which I continue to disregard.

My world view tilted in a mere second my mind slip into some dimensional crack I created every moment I get. My current train of thought broke and generated a new one.

That's weird.

Did I almost faint just now?

Am I dizzy just from walking on the stairs?

I stopped my track one step before my bedroom door, trying to stabilize my balance.

Then finally realizing a slight shake just happened after noticing my hanged clothes swaying in odd manner.

There's an earthquake....?

Still trying to understand the situation.

Another dizziness hit me, holding onto the wall.

It was a feeling of being pushed by some invisible force.

My body swayed out of control while still trying keep my balance.

The walls were undoubtedly swaying more.

Creaking sounds can be heard around me.

My window frame clacking. Everything is rattling in discordant harmony.

I fell down on my butt

Stumbling backwards

I started dry heaving

That note like frequency piercing my right ear.

Followed by a hollow thundered erratic heartbeat.

Cracks formed on the walls gradually spreading towards me.

And I caved in.

Clawing my hair in disarray.

Bitting my lips torn till I tasted rust

Gasping for air, desperately breathing.

Then my floor crumbled.

I wasn't even standing

I fell down together with the debris and dust.

And I let myself sink deeper.

Burying me deep within the rumbles of the aftermath.

Within the pit I made for myself.

Within the dark with no oxygen left to breath.

Then I blinked.

And found myself still in my room,

On my bedroom floor.

As if nothing happened,

My room still the same, barely organized with my things all over the place.

Nothing happened.

There was a loud thud in front of the kitchen door.

Sarah was dumbstruck, frozen in place.

It was late at night but still couldn't make herself fall asleep, Sarah had an urge to go out of her room and drink some water.

As she slowly walk pass the corridor, a shuffling sound can be heard inside the kitchen with a few rustles here and there.

Suddenly anxious, Sarah had a bad premonition.

She stopped walking and slowly peek towards the dim lit kitchen, holding her breath.

Heart beating faster every second, unconsciously gripping her phone tight.

What met her gaze were eyes hidden in the shadows.

Suddenly couldn't process of what she saw, Sarah accidentally dropped her phone.

Silence had now engulfed the kitchen.

Two eyes meet, both shocked from the discovery. Her eyes turned into confusion, then disbelief.

She pleaded with the look of uncertainty, meeting the gaze she had once trusted.

Sarah couldn't help but feel betrayed. Her unsteady breathing can now be heard by the other.

The eyes within the shadow provoked her, forming a grin followed by a chuckle. Clearly enjoying her reaction.

Her words stuck on her throat, still pleading, she had witnessed the last scoop of her favorite chocolate flavored ice cream be eaten with delight.

After finishing the small container, he left it on the sink and confidently left the kitchen, leaving Sarah still frozen in front of the door.

Few seconds pass,

A scream of anguish can be heard.

Sarah shouting his name in annoyance, which Damien can clearly hear even after closing his room door.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

Religion was a tool used for holding a person's guilt close to them.

It dictates the morals and values, your thought process, and pressure you into not doing something that will ultimately affect other person's life.

Guilt therefore becomes fear.

The guilt of consequences through constructed beliefs and values becomes the fear of not being recognized and affirmed—of how much obligated practice of benevolence they show.

Religion wanted you to believe into a higher being called God, whose capable of executing punishments for those who lack the values and benevolence.

And you believe because you are forced to follow the norm.

Thus, religion is made to keep the imbalance of our humanity in check.