A twisted gale came across you, your skin crawled and your spine trembled as the sound of emptiness was being engraved to your bone,

The wild beating of your heart could be felt on your chest so greatly, as it slowly devours your senses.

Your heavy breathing stagnates as you look towards the reflection within the darkness.

The same terrified eyes looking directly to you, with cold sensation burning within, the wretched, horrendous monster was trembling

and so are you.

Dead stars don't fall from the sky

They burn out

Lose their light

Or explode and stop existing altogether

Stars have deaths too

We just don't see things in the dark

The static sound of a radio vastly echoes from the corn field behind the house.

Between the sweltering heat of the afternoon, the piano in static noise could be heard and somehow slightly easing the heat.

The peaceful day in her grandparent's house moves unhurriedly.

She was tired of hearing it everyday. Whilst the piece was part of an audio drama, it was played over and over again until she eventually memorized how the notes went.

Until everytime she hears the piece,

she was always reminded of the summer heat in the farm,

the small little hut that was built in the middle of it,

the painfully peaceful day that leads to boredom,

the chickens venturing everywhere,

the earthly scents combined with heat,

the fresh breeze that sometimes comes and goes,

the sound of her grandmother's broom scrapping the soil while she sweep the dried leaves piling up,

the neighbors coming in for a little bit of chat and gossips,

the high pitch laughters reverberating,

And her boredom.

But when they had to go and find a place to stay in town, they had to leave the rural village behind.

Surprisingly, she missed that feeling. Though in her disappointment, she didn't know the title.

Years passed,

Her habbit of randomly playing a music became her chance of rediscovering old tunes playing on her head.

'Chopin - Spring Waltz',

The first note suddenly felt a bit familiar, she then let the music freely echo in the living room.

And the forgotten summer heat once more engulfed her memory.

https://youtu.be/YCl-0lu0vHM

Mom always sings a song like a lullaby.

And I was a shy little girl, always hiding behind her momma's back.

I'm that type of kid who has no guts in front of strangers, that meek little child that would freeze up or stare at you with deadpan eyes but wouldn't say any word.

But also the same type of kid who would go find and collect big earthworms and big snails then put some salt on them and watch them react to it—when left alone, which was my everyday routine.

Mom taught me how to sing,

Words by words

Gentle and warm

Reverberating an entire love song.

I followed suit,

Broken words

Whimsical notes

High pitched tiny voice

Exuding youthful innocence.

'It's the time again

for tender affection

And I'm together with you

While strolling around in every place

In full moon

With the wind carrying coldness

I'll hold you in my arms

For the whole night long'

That was the first song I tried singing without actually hearing the very song in my 6 years of existence.

Only trusting my mom's guidance,

I sang in front of my relatives,

Karaoke in the background.

My song of choice surprised her,

With trembling little voice I had,

I sang in broken words and stuttered melody.

I couldn't completely sing it with background accompaniments as I was used to hearing it in acapella.

Mom then tried joining me,

And we became a unique, once in a century duo.

That was the first time I ever tried singing.

It was my mom's lullaby to us,

Our family's theme song,

And of course, the first song I ever learned by ear.

I don't really have any all time favorites nor just simply 'favorites'.

I'm also the type of person who dumps music on chat and recommends random things and gives you the reigns to wether you listen to it or not, (with a compliment on the side on how I'm in love to how they sound and such).

My so called favorites were based on what mood I currently have.

And this challenge was actually a bit broad for me.

I would love to share what bands I listen to, and what songs I love listening to.

But the thing is...

My shit ton of diverse music taste just won't let me.

Okay I'll just mention it.

ONE OK ROCK

Discovering their band was like a meteorite crash falling through my roofs—and I luckily survived.

I rewatched and binged watch Rorouni Kenshin just to hear their song on the end credits. (I'm also quite surprised by how my patience could last, seeing how meager my patience barely existed.)

I wasn't even a die-hard fan.

It just happens that they came at the right moment when I needed a song to justify what particular emotions have been lurking deep inside me.

And honestly I haven't been listening to their song lately but now I'm binge listening to them because of this challenge, so thank you @EatherFlowers1.

The Beginning — https://youtu.be/Hh9yZWeTmVM

The Beginning (Tour version)—https://youtu.be/h1PN7LEH2Vs

We Are — https://youtu.be/nU307tV32B0

Stand out Fit in — https://youtu.be/IGInsosP0Ac

Clock Strikes — https://youtu.be/6YZlFdTIdzM

Cry Out — https://youtu.be/JWSRqWpWPzE

Mighty Long Fall — https://youtu.be/UjZqcDYbvAE

Mighty Long Fall (Tour version)- https://youtu.be/i7seozLvbHw

I was King (Orchestra Live version)— https://youtu.be/RxCEMy022Do

Dreamer — https://youtu.be/NWDAjOsTYC8

Deeper deeper — https://youtu.be/tcBBNB5JTOQ

Jibun Rock — https://youtu.be/kTkXe60AP8M

There wasn't a particular reason or backstory for this.

During the time I wasn't aware of my trauma, ONE OK ROCK just gave me a lot of courage for my dwindling self-esteem and self-worth.

Bonus songs for a reference to how diverse I listen to music meant.

Lazenca, Save Us (korean) — https://youtu.be/NFNf4Qu__yU

(I just discovered this few days ago and I'm still listening to it. Yup this is my current mood.)

Tell me by milet (japanese) — https://youtu.be/ILuCsl_Kjbw

Atlantis by Seafret — https://youtu.be/gVAy3IZiL0s

Young by Vacations — https://youtu.be/nK61uvq5tX4

El Carnaval de Celia — https://youtu.be/jPuI81bHwI8

Lay All Your Love On Me by Abba — https://youtu.be/2seCB54Bv-c

A Villain theme playlist — https://youtu.be/le1l4eeo8Ow

Rises the Moon by liana flore — https://youtu.be/5e1zT7miep8

Notice how my mood changes over the month.

I also don't listen to music often cause there's this mood of mine called "I'm empty, I feel nothing", and mostly my mood for no apparent reason.

So just imagine a week having to not listen to anything but there's this 2 days of endlessly repeating music that just fits my mood.

Okay that was quite a lot.

*Nervously laughs and hides another stash to a much more diverse taste in music*

Have fun listening to my frequent mood changes.

The day was dark

Thick grey clouds hover around

Sometimes sun would peek in,

Sometimes you would see some slight color to this place.

Sometimes you would hear the sound of people striving.

It was a dark night,

The darkest night I had seen.

The clouds was too thick for the moon nor the stars to shine through.

The shadows were greater than the candles could ever reach.

The cold was slipping through the gaps of our wooden walls,

The howling winds sounded like countless wailing souls.

Our roof was almost torned off like countless neighbor's roof had, banging all over the place as it made the winds sound more of a suffering ghost parade slowly passing by.

My young imaginative mind was not very helpful at that time.

The devastation passed like nothing happened, except it left a trail that took months to fix.

It left scars that couldn't properly heal after time passed.

The old model of the cellphone my father owned was close to draining.

Only the two songs that are saved on the phone were playing nonstop, which could only be heared echoing throughout the night.

The same song would be played by the light of dawn while the roosters tries to break the deafening silence in our neighborhood.

After a few days,

The roof we had was crooked,

The streetlight across our neighbor toppled over, blocking the path.

The province lacked electricity for a month and over.

Mom was away for weeks.

Dad, my brother, and I was only there trying to live through the cold silence.

While the songs were there accompanying the stillness.

I was 7 years old.

Few years later, a random song was played by one of my neighbor through their speakers.

It sounded so familiar, I was bewildered by how much of a song could make me chocke my breath and force a bit of tears on me.

Then the memory came back like giant waves crushing me, drowning me, and doing it all over again.

...

For some unknown reason, countless typhoons were part of my core memory.

https://youtu.be/6thmPrTxBtI

https://youtu.be/OMD8hBsA-RI

12 to 20 breaths per minute,

In a lifespan equivalent to 24 hours.

Every breath counts as seconds,

Every cycle of breaths counts as minutes ,

Every minute counts as years

It is a life lived shortly.

How much breaths counts to a tantamount of years lived by?

How much year can be counted to the breaths equivalent to how many minutes passes by?

If I breathe hurriedly, would my years count as plentiful?

Would I be older by the time the last minute was counted?

The ample amount of years every minute counts as a life lived like moments passing in a blink of an eye.

If I breathe slowly, would my years pass by a bit slower?

Would the years count as fewer?

Would I be younger before the last hour strikes?

A slow and steady moment pass, in great detail of life.

Gradually flowing like an hourglass, sands of time gnawing spaces only to be filled up again.

For the fast approaching time limit

How much minutes of life was lived?

How do life counts as lived moments?

'I saw my life flashing before me'

It was... uneventful

Truly,

Should I say it was boring?

What do counts as an eventful one?

Am I genuinely looking at the moments that passed?

How much time do I have left?

Seeing my colored silhouettes doing chores from yesterday, from last month, and from last years.

Seeing how it cuts off from only there,

Realizing how unusually foreign my feet standing on the ground,

Watching everything like motion pictures plastered to everywhere I look.

Why am I seeing a life unlived?

Seconds turned to minutes,

Minutes later turns to hours,

Hours passes by faster than I have expected it to.

Breathing became so laborious,

So exhausting,

So demanding,

So forced,

So heavy.

A lifetime of 20,000 breaths,

If a lifespan was equivalent to only 24 hours,

It was a lengthy unlived life.

I discovered a draft for @EstherFlowers1' challenge that I had forgotten has been existing on its own through the gaps of my feeble memory lol. I haven't been active for days that I completely missed out the challenge, then my draft suddenly pops out of nowhere.

The draft was made during my random gloomy days so forgive the heavy atmosphere. (This draft wasn't complete and I had forgotten what the hecks my point is so I just left it unfinished as it is.)

"feel the pain until it hurts no more"

I couldn't shake off this phrase by Shakespeare when I saw this challenge. It just echoed throughout my mind every time I tried to think or recall some random quotes.

So in a constant debate on whether to use this or not was subjectively set in stone.

I discovered this phrase during my junior highschool years when a friend of mine told me about it. Maybe, in positive light, I perceived it innocently as an assurance. The more pain you feel the stronger you become...or something like that.

Little cuts formed on flesh.

In time, it became invisible only to be discovered within consciousness, within the heart, and within the soul.

As it grow on rampage little by little. The pain was a thought to be ignored, momentarily felt and discarded quickly.

Until the phrase made an assurance. To feel it through the bones of shivering mess, delightly accept the forced out pain.

Yes. Feel it.

Feel it until you get tired of it.

Engraved it then get numb.

I felt hypnotized. Somehow it got worse.

We're really conscious of pain, you see.

Like that tooth aching deep in your mouth, swelling your gums, your tongue flicking and searching for the root cause. And still be bothered a few minutes later as your tongue keeps flicking here and there again.

The more conscious I become the more I tried submerging deeper.

Until I withdraw shortly afterwards since in actuality, I'm scared of pain.

I am so scared of pain,

That I would force myself to go numb for it.

And now I couldn't help but be highly doubtful after some time passed.

Was the phrase had the same meaning that I had understood?

I learned to ignore my feelings altogether you see.

Simple feelings had become a great mystery to me.

And pain was....a normal constant feeling.

"It's okay, you're not alone"

Knowing someone had more pain that you had, the more suffering they had than you, the more struggles they overcome—is not an assurance to me. It wasn't a comfort for thinking you're all alone.

It was more like my shame trying to eat my insides as I wail about my life. As I wail why I had this undeserving good life while those that needed it were suffering greatly that I am.

I was ashamed of my pain.

So why do I keep feeling it?

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

Fuck it hurts.

I hate it.

When will I became numb of this?

When my emotions are all gone?

I had gone numb about everything you see.

But pain was still there.

So where did it go wrong?

"Life begins with a BANG!" He slamed his half drank coffee on the table full of breadcrumbs and coffee stains.

"...A what? You mean a gunshot?" Someone asked

"That's how life ends you idiot! Ahem. It's nothing, I just feel so unexpectedly motivated today" He sipped from his mug with satisfaction.

"Wow...I can't help but still be utterly surprised by how utterly pathetic those words are" An exasperated voice replied.

"You! Dare be an offensively pessimist again in front of this humble me and see how those words will bite you!" He tried to maintain his hold of the mug while showing his confidence for his words.

"Say that again when you wake up 8 hours early, your bed clean without any molds, your sink not stinking of rotten poop, your ceiling without cobwebs, your house not enshrouded by dust and thick curtains. And...that's just the general shit of it!" The voice filled the dark room without any delay.

"Hey at least I'm trying here!" The man jump from his chair filled with spiderwebs and dust as he vehemently stared at the silhouette in front of him.

"WELL YOU AIN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH!" The voice shouted across the room in deep contempt.

"SHUT UP! GET A LIFE FIRST YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" The man carelessly dropped his mug on the garbage-stained floor and grabbed the cracked mirror patched with tape and glue across the table sitting on another chair, and threw it in the living room. As he forcefully shouts another phrase.

"GO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF!"

I am evil.

And good is learned through restraining our own.

When I was a child, I didn't know my actions could count as bad.

Until my conscience was built towards good. Until I was acquainted towards the difference of good and evil.

We have a values education subject during elementary, and I learned to be a hypocrite just to have a high score during a quiz and exam.

If morality didn't exist, then we wouldn't be able to categorize ourselves in good and evil.

If there wasn't "evil" to begin with, then we wouldn't be able to acknowledge the "good".

We build ourselves through restraint.

We learn to hide our dark deep desires just to be viewed as a person with moral, with respect in regards to others.

We just learn that being evil can be a hindrance to others.

Maybe that's why such law exist just to have a well functioning society.

In a lawless world, evil is predominant in such place.

Sometimes I couldn't help but agree with de Sade, "In order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice."

But at the end of the day,

It was our choice to be either good or evil.

It was our own choice to be evil today and be a good person tomorrow.

However my confession is still the same.

I am evil.

I just learned to hide beneath my veil.

Humans are not humans without the existence of both good and evil.