Weeping willows

The gold rush passed

You were my love

The only one

In the afterglow

Waiting for daylight

Wrapping myself

Tightly in a cardigan

Facing my problems

Drinking more champagne

Just because love left

The bubbles don't have to

Supposed to be a happy day

A happy life, the happy way

Mais 사실은, it's not that way

I don't enjoy a single day

Some people are born with joy

때로 I just wanna destroy

This illusion, this picture, destroy

Dans ma vie, n'est pas de joie

What to do, what to do?

I shut my eyes, it's only you

Tu restes dans mes rêveries, tu

외로운...what to do?

제가 바람을 들어요

하자, we really need to go

Run, you say, just let it go

C'est votre vie, follow the flow

Chase the 흐름 de votre coeur

Fly, you whisper, like a bird

Je veux être, want to be the bird

走る après ma coeur

Je détestes mon fait et ma vie

It's not what I wanted it to be

The dream girl, the real me

Where is she? C'est moi, je suis...

망가진...

* * * * * *

Supposed to be a happy day

A happy life, the happy way

But in fact, it's not that way

I don't enjoy a single day

Some people are born with joy

Sometimes I just wanna destroy

This illusion, this picture, destroy

In my life, there is no joy

What to do, what to do?

I shut my eyes, it's only you

You stay in my dreams, you

I'm lonely...what to do?

I listen to the wind

Let's do it, we really need to go

Run, you say, just let it all go

It's your life, follow the flow

Chase the flow of your heart

Fly, you whisper, like a bird

I want to be, want to be the bird

Run after my heart

I hate my reality and my life

It's not what I wanted it to be

The dream girl, the real me

Where is she? It's me, I am...

Broken...

Play it all over again

Let me scream in agony

The same section once more

Never hurts to repeat, does it?

The same memories searing me

Let me moan in isolation

The tears streaming again

Never hurts to repeat, does it?

Play it all over again

Let me heave and wail

The same section once more

Never hurts to repeat this song...does it?

New month, new year, new intentions

Welcome to this morbid world

Count all of your million mentions

'fore your heart is fully chilled

Must live up to expectations

From myself and all around

Turn down all these noisy stations

Maybe peace will then abound

Giving up on my vacations

Need to find my destiny

Shrugging off all these probations

Don't need them to explain me

All they do - make complications

All I want is to be free

Don't need their fancy locations

All I need is to be me

Memories I don't want to remember

But they haunt me, over and over

I said 'goodbye', but you stay

I said 'i don't care', but I do

Why can't I forget?

I told myself I need to meet the deadline

I let it all stay and wait

Time rushed by and now I stand here

Only a few ticking seconds

Anxiety clawing its way around in my heart

I don't remember that traumatic scene

But I live the scar, I carry it

I don't remember the day, but the nightmares

I said I'd meet you, I never did

It's too late now, but I forgot

It's not that it wasn't important

It's just that I forgot, got busy

My attention was distracted, believe me

I regret that all I do is forget

Especially that which I don't want to

All the ugly stays and haunts me

All the pain, the screams, the scars

The darkness, loneliness, uncertainty

I remember that which broke me

I want to forget and start over

No, I don't...

I just want to learn and move on

Wipe it out and use the pillars

To build a new home

Where joy and love reigns

I want to remember the beauty

I want to extinguish the pain

I want to see the good

I want to wipe out the evil

Sometimes, I want to forget

The waves waved at me

From far across the horizon

Like the cheers of fans

Still stashed in the back of my mind

I heard the seagulls' cries

Piercing the sunset skies

Like the agonizing screams

Hidden away inside of me

Everything that used to be

My childhood on the beach

Writing songs under a tree

My success on a bright stage

Mom's pancakes in summer

Dad's jokes and stories in winter

Kelsi's sweet smiles and friendship

They are all long gone

I finally left sight of the last beach

Turned into the final street

That dearly beloved house all gone

Like the years that passed by

Hi, Mom, sorry to bother

I've been thinking about you

Been thinking of what you said

Back when I left home

Jumped into my car

And raced down the lane

Surprise, surprise...

I know that I'm your prodigal daughter

I know that I was wrong

You were right, no surprise

You don't have to take me back

Just forgive me and...maybe

Say you love me

Angel...

Forgive me, love me

I'm sorry I never called back

I'm sorry I ignored you

I'm sorry it took losing everything

To see what I once had

What I never appreciated

Stop, please, let me speak...

No, let me empty my heart

My memories are driving my crazy

All the things I left unsaid

I lost my man, my girl

You did once

I resented you

It happens sometimes...

I should have understood

I should have been there

I missed Dad and Cara

I missed our times together

I missed family

I overlooked you

Ciara, listen to me...

I was so wrong

Now you are gone

I'm stuck in my internal monologue

Wishing for a dialogue

A conversation with you, once more

The way we used to...

I love you...

Put pen to paper

Leave this for later

When I feel safer

And ideas flow

I need to think

Pour in a drink

Stare, don't blink

Idea level still low

Put on a song

Wonder what is wrong

Listen to the throng

Of household and home

Come back to me

Ideas all free

How about going to the sea?

Beaches to roam...

Think, think, think

Coffee - drink, drink

Just don't sink

In the ocean of the brain

Feelings numbed

Brain dumbed

By chit-chatters

Plenty mad hatters

And cruel batters

Swinging hard hits

Windows into bits

Just another attack

Innocents in the sack

And souls off-track

Wrongs all right

No one left to fight

No saviours, soldiers, a hero

It all goes to show

Blood in the snow

All good turned bad

All sane became mad

Souls caught in chains

Clinging to horses' manes

Riding through bloody rains

Hopefuls praying for change

Looked upon as strange

As the rest all wane

Losing track of the pain

Giving in to the strain

Madness reigns where evil overtakes

I threw my phone into the wall again. I guess what you expect to happen never does. For example, I expected to win the lottery once in my life. Guess what, that didn’t happen. I expected to be married by now – the guy dumped me two weeks ago.

I’ve thrown my phone at the wall three times this week. It’s still not malfunctioning or broken, only cracked. Bummer. I slammed my hand into the wall two times this week. It hurt (and is slightly sprained now), but nothing long-lasting. It’s not broken, it’s not forever disfigured, and not even once did it just explode open and bleed profusely.

Sometimes, I wish I could change everything and have the life I should have. Problem is, I’ve never really worked for that life. Probably because of what everybody said and thought of me, and because I was happy – happyish – with what I had.

And here I am: twenty-nine, single, alone, in a studio apartment, working for a shitty pay in a crappy job, and wishing for something to grab me and take me away from this bloody life I'm now stuck in, careening towards the end.

I’ve tried to make light of it all. I even wrote a poem yesterday (thankfully, I’m ambidextrous, so I’m not really missing my right hand). It went something like:

Slammed my hand into the wall

Tried to brave the stairs in a fall

Now the one is sprained

And the other is pained

I still feel like shit

Couldn’t laugh at the skit

But now I’ve got to snap out

And open my closet to bury the pout

I saw the ropes, I heard the voice

I realized I have to make my choice

But death is death, the end

What did you do to me, my friend?

My English teacher should be proud – at least I found rhymes for it. No free-verse, but actual poetry. It didn’t make me feel much better, but I could toast a glass of Merlot over it.

Why Merlot? I’ve always hated the taste – I’ve never liked wine, but Merlot is the worst. My opinion – don’t blame me, I supposedly have bad taste.

So yes, I’m torturing myself. The only thing that felt like real pain was cutting strange symbols on my legs. I felt less proud of it when I had to wear ankle-length jeans when my big sister came to visit. In this sweltering heat.

I actually cursed myself for being an idiot. I think.

I’ve always been a happy girl. Obsessively manic-happy. I would sing and dance, no matter what the heck people thought of me. I loved fully, trusted wholly, and cared deeply. I never forgot a birthday, never missed out on buying gifts, and never missed a party of one of the family or friends.

I also never really hurt myself, because good luck was on my side. Except for the time the bowl of punch slipped out of my hands and smashed into pieces on my feet. Or the time my cousin slammed the car door shut on my hand. But, hey, accidents happen.

Sudden depression and gloom is not an accident, though. I’ve been poring over horrors and thrillers these days. I can’t stand the soppy romances and the light-hearted comics. Shoot, I don’t even know why I ever read them before.

The world is darker than I ever thought of it. Friends are fake, family members are obsessive and intrusive, and boyfriends are only out for the big prize and scoff if you are acting like a prude.

I’m not paranoid. I was just blind for most of my life. Blind to my father’s cheating, to my mother’s drinking habit, to my brother’s drug addiction, to my sister’s choice of wrong men, to my older sister’s obsession with perfection, and to every other flaw and mistake of every friend and family member.

I always knew I was flawed. I could drink too much, laugh too loudly, have no clue what humiliation is, and just be myself when I should have been the more discreet version.

Now I’m living the life where I truly see…what I never wanted to see. And the truth is, for the first time in my life I’m actually afraid and simultaneously confident in the face of danger.

I’m looking forward to the moment he breaks through the door, and yet I’m not ready to feel his hands around my throat.

This is what happens when you allow a psychopath to become your friend. This is what happens when you aren’t prudent and thinking smart. This is what happens when demons are able to grab what you have.

What is the solution? Hell, I haven’t been able to figure it out…I can choose Death or Death: at the hands of the killer or my own. Be strangled or hang yourself (personally, I’d prefer the cutting myself to pieces and watching the blood spurt out).

I haven’t decided what I’m more afraid of. Only decided that I want to go back and change it all. But, there’s no going back, only going forward, towards the climactic end. The climactic end, and complete and utter insanity.

So, this is the final countdown, I suppose.