Chatting Over Mediocre Italian Food
You want me to be completely honest with you? Okay, I’m going to be completely honest with you. But only because you asked me. Otherwise I wouldn’t tell you.
I’m surprised you called me. I mean, and I don’t need to tell you this, you know it already, but you pretty much have your pick of anyone. You wouldn’t have to go on a second date ever if you didn’t want to. You could just have first dates for ever and ever. I’m not saying that to flatter you or anything. It’s just true, y’know. And, I’m not, like, y’know, good. Like I always thought you’d go for someone virtuous or, maybe, someone really, really sinful, because maybe you’re into that, y’know, like, no judgement if you are or anything.
I’m not virtuous but I’m also not sinful enough to be interesting, y’know. Like, I’ve done bad things. Plenty. Like… I lie too much. Sometimes about stupid things. Like, I didn’t want to go to dinner with Rachel, you know, Rachel, I mentioned her last time. I didn’t want to go to dinner with her because I was just feeling lazy, you know? So I told her I had a twenty-four-hour virus. “They come out of nowhere, ruin your life for a day, then disappear just as fast,” I told her this morning. I didn’t have to tell her that. I didn’t have to lie. I just, well, did. You want to know the truth? I lied about you. I told my friends I was on a date with a guy from the office. I know! I did! I didn’t have to, I just did.
By the way, if you send people to hell for sleeping around, I’m going straight to Lucifer’s anus. I’m a real slut, to be honest with you. Best you know it now, to be honest with you. You didn’t ask, but I would have slept with you on our last date. If you ask me tonight, I will too. And I’m not vanilla in bed, by the way. I like weird stuff. Do you like weird stuff? I bet you do. This isn’t a good second date conversation, is it? But like I told you, I’m a bit of a slut like that. Do what you will with that information.
But seriously, are you into any weird stuff? Because I’m probably into it too. Just for your information. Just saying. I peed on a guy’s face once. I did! What can I say? He liked it. I thought it was a bit messy myself, but hey, you know, whatever. I know you didn’t ask for that information or anything, but there you have it. When you were making people, did you ever think they’d pee on each other to get hard? Bet you didn’t. Bet that was a real shocker the first time you saw it happen, huh?
So anyway, I’m not, like, great, but I’m not a murderer or anything, you know? So I was just surprised when you called me again, that’s all.
So this might be a personal question, especially for a second date, but I’ve already told you I’ve peed on a guy, so what the hell? Side note: does that phrase make you uncomfortable? “What the hell”? Because, you know, of hell and all? ’Cause I say it all the time, but, like, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything, y’know. You’re cool with it? Cool. You’re cool with a lot of things, you know. Most people would’ve walked out at the pee story. I wouldn’t have, but I’m a slut for that kind of thing. And not just peeing, you know. You name it, I’m probably into it. Except for flavored lube. That stuff freaks me out. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know why, it just gives me the spooks for some reason.
So anyway, like I was saying, this might be a personal question, but given that you, like, made me, is it weird to be on a date, a second date, nonetheless, with me? Or do you like that kind of power dynamic? When you made me, did you ever think we’d be sitting here eating mediocre Italian food a few decades later? Or did you, like, know all along? If I were you, I’d probably find it both weird and sexy. Anyway, small world, you know. Who would’ve thunk it, am I right?
Look, I’m just gonna cut to the chase already. I’m into you, I think you’re pretty cool, this pasta sauce tastes like liquefied sodium, and all this sexy talk has got me in the mood. Do you wanna just get the hell out of here? My place is only, like, twenty minutes from here. I mean, it’s pretty small – okay, really small – and it’s messy because I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight or anything, but, like, it’s close by and it’s not terrible and it has a bed and I have half a bottle of Pinot in the fridge. So, like, do you wanna just go there? Oh, and I have a cat, are you allergic? Okay, good. Once I brought a guy back and he almost died choking on cat fur. She’s really furry. Her name’s Hera, like Zeus’ wife. Oh shit wait, like your wife, right?! Oh, he was different? Okay, okay. I thought it would be, like, so funny if we were doing it and your ex-wife watched in cat form, right? Right?!
Okay, cool, I’ll get the bill in that case. No, no, I can pay, I’m an independent woman! You can just get it next time, okay? Okay. Cool.
