Once upon a time
You were right here by my side
We chain smoked our cigarettes
On this very bench
Rocking back and forth
To the rhythm of our passion
So many days I waited for you here
To come down and join me
To come down and acknowledge me
Some days you joined
Put your hand tightly in mine
Other days you were too far away
Avoiding the nearness of me
But this was the place
Where our bodies first collided
Up the stairs to the left
Where we once slept each night
Side by side interlaced
Those nights I felt the safest
When we laughed under the sheets
When we were as close as can be
When things were so right
I’ve sat here with you so many times
In silence and in small talk
In arguments and in heavy laughter
We walked up and down these streets
And always returned to this very place
You’d work on your motorcycle in the driveway
While I made my hands sore scribbling in journals
Nonsense about how much I loved you
About how even when I had you, I somehow always needed more of you.
It’s nice to be in this place
That once was filled with you and me
Even though you’re further away then I could ever reach you
Even though you’ve been gone for some time
I still sit here sometimes and I smile
Because I think of what used to be
Because I think of the times with you and me
Sitting in this very spot
I'm okay with not always being beautiful
It took me years to reach a place where I feel comfortable knowing not everyone sees something worthy in me. I no longer feel defined by the desire that others do or do not feel for me. I don't know exactly when it changed but it did. I changed. And I am better because of it. The majority of my years I have spent starving for certain attention because without it I felt myself fade into nothing. I felt every flaw from head to toe magnified to the point that it consumed me - every inch of me, of my identity, of my worth, of my being. Maybe being alive long enough and having lived through so much has finally allowed me to settle into myself. For better or worse, this is who I am. I've spent enough time inside these lines to know there is a certain goodness within me. Within my truest heart and truest soul. A uniqueness that is made up of my courage to love unconditionally no matter who or what the circumstances may be. With it, I have learned to trust myself - even when I do not trust others. I have learned to love the person that I am. I have come to accept myself as a whole rather then accepting only the parts of me that others seemed to like. I am truly beautiful.. because I am kind. Because I am deeply caring. Because I am passionately loving. Because I am capable of forgiving. I am truly beautiful.. because I feel so entirely. Because I trust so overwhelmingly. Because I believe so undoubtedly. I am no longer paralyized by the way it feels to not be seen. To not be needed or wanted. To not be noticed. Instead I am comforted by the way it feels to be true. True to myself and the person that I am. The woman that I am becomming. The human being that I will always be.
I am on a journey to find this part of myself again.
I will be back.
I met myself beneath the weight of those I loved before.
I never knew what it would take to understand.
To willingly choose myself over you.
Over all of you.
It was a dangerous path that led me here.
One I am effortlessly grateful for.
For I have survived a thousand deaths.
For I have finally made it out alive.
All that is left is who I am.
A force that has set me free.
I have loved so loudly. Like a scream that shattered through windows of glass. Like the loudest noise that could never be heard. Like the call that got buried beneath the landscapes around it. Like the plea that got lost through the wind that blew through it. I have loved so loudly. Loved till it left me blue and beaten down. Loved till it left me further from myself then I ever knew before. Loved till it took everything apart and scattered itself, never to be found again. I have loved so loudly. While begging and pleading not to leave me in that place. While nothing could hurt anymore then it already had hurt. While the only way out was through death in itself. I have loved so loudly. In ways no one will ever know. In ways no one will ever truly understand. In ways that are only mine, to keep, to carry. Yes, I have loved so very loudly. Through wild nights and restless days. Through lands and lakes and rivers and canyons. Through life and death and all the places in between. And all I can say is thank you. Thank you, because there is more love left to give. Thank you, because I am still whole. I am still held together by the hope, by the faith, by the mercy. I am still standing, and I am still capable of love. Of loving so loudly. The kind of love that could never die. That could never freeze. That could never stop. To no end. To no beginning. I have loved so loudly.
I have always felt so much. A feeler of everything. I used to be ruled by these feelings of mine. Swept underneath their current, and consumed by the power of their flames. I used to know nothing but to give way to the feelings. The feelings of love, of lust, of longing. The feelings of need, of desire, of craving. The feelings of loss, of grief, of tragedy. I used to believe I was designed for these feelings. That I was a creature built up on the lines and loops of reaction. Of a tender heart. Of a vulnerable shape. In all my years I have battled those feelings. Attempted to stand up to them only to fall apart beneath them. Those feelings made me feel alive, they made me feel complete. They made me feel lost, and they made me feel empty. In all my years I have battled those feelings. Found ways to tell myself they were okay. Found ways to tell myself I understood them. I think I’ll always be a feeler. A person consumed and rattled by the way it feels to be human. The way it feels to be alive. The way it feels to be me. Throughout this I have learned so much. Lost so much. Loved so many. And I feel safety in knowing how to feel those things.
“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done? What if I'd actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”
And after all is said and done
It’s okay that things didn’t work out
I see now what I couldn’t see then
And with that I am free
Free to be
And it is beautiful
Because everything will be okay
Im made of energy
Fistfuls of livelihood
And of mind
I am made of life in its most richest form
Pure undiluted existence
A thousand flames sparking and igniting upon themselves all at once
I am made of light
Of loved ones
Of dreams had
Of dreams to be
A little bit of you
And the rest is just me