Born into chaos,

Never stood a chance at calm.

Survival of the fittest,

But exactly at what cost?

Survival of the fittest

But exactly at what cost?

How much torment should one endure,

Before guidance is given to her?

Raised to be a soldier,

Never getting to be a kid.

Better hide those emotions,

This is how I lived.

Survival of the fittest,

But exactly at what cost?

How much torment should one endure,

Before tolerance is given to her?

Pain turned to anger,

Always ready for a fight.

Striving for perfection,

And never getting it right.

Survival of the fittest,

But exactly at what cost?

How much torment should one endure,

Before acceptance is given to her?

The little girl turned into a woman,

Male friends changed her.

The place she once felt safe at,

Was now new battlegrounds to fight

Survival of the fittest,

But exactly at what cost?

How much torment should one endure,

before safety is given to her?

The little woman married too young,

Sweet and naive wishing to please.

Knowing what she didn't want,

But giving in to him, to watch him leave?

Survival of the fittest,

But exactly at what cost?

How much torment should one endure,

Before respect is given to her?

Having to give up everything,

And be taken in by her mother.

Only to have her stepfather,

Confirm that she the problem.

Survival of the fittest,

But exactly at what cost?

How much torment should one endure,

Before honest care is given to her?

Finally moved out on her own,

It's quiet and it's safe.

Two things she's never known,

Learning she can lower her battle gear,

And actually, escape.

Survival of the fittest,

But exactly at what cost?

Don't worry little soldier,

The battles were won and they lost.

Now dear little soldier,

There is still a lot to learn.

You've seen the hard and the painful,

But now find love, peace, and beauty.

The blue sky has turned to black with no comfort from the moon or stars, and the wounds that I thought were healing are now leaving scars.

I found you while I was falling into pieces, and foolishly thought they were falling in place; but it didn't take much and you left me falling apart instead.

How naive of me, to think this time would be any different.

Silly of me to think, I found someone who could hold on when the world began to shake.

I told you everything would be ok, but you left me to fall alone anyways!

You can't want someone to be there for you 100%, and not give it in return.

When life is crumbling around you both, that is not the time walk away!

No!

That is when you hold tighter, and crawl together, till you find steady ground again.

My whole life I've been made to feel like I'm impossible to stay with, and I believed it for a long time.

I tried to fight it;

but when every relationship ends the same way....

how can I think any different?....

Don't try to convince me that the next one will be better.

I don't know if I have in me to let someone in like that again.

When I allowed myself to admit that I loved you,

I did it with all of my heart;

but I am starting to believe that the amount of love and investment that I give!

I will never receive in return.

So why try again?....

Why?!

But see I say all of this,and to my core I mean every word!

I hurt deeply, but it doesn't matter; cause my heart is foolish and will always try one more time.

Honestly I wish that my heart would just act like picked roses and just turn to dust.

Thoughts and memories of you drown me in kerosene. Your drunken state and self righteous frame of mind, is the lighted match that sets my anger, hurt, and disgust blazing. And the whirlwind of the blame game you always seem to play, just fan the flames. Am I really going to have to remove you from my life, to douse this out of control tornado of fire?

I wake up every morning,

And turn my computer on.

I log into our favorite game,

And without me life goes on.

A crime life has made,

Placing you overseas.

Hopefully in time,

Distance will fade,

And you will be with me.

But until then,

Meet me at the edge of time,

Where nothing can get in our way.

We will spend everyday,

Escaping the mistake that was made.

Together in our favorite game.

#gamers, #ldr, #love

Too often in relationships people carry thier past hurts past fears past disappointments into their present relationship. It is not healthy or fair to project all of that onto your present partner they aren't in your past they didn't live that with you they didn't do those things to you. You will lose your present and your future if all you ever do is hold onto the past.

I see you so clearly

a shattered porcelain doll

glued back together

a million times over

from lost lovers fall

I hear you loud and clear

when you say your fine

I know your not my dear

it's a way you learned to deal

with people who don't really care

who use your hurt as ammunition

to fire at you at will

saying your only attention seeking

your not really hurting

saying you aren't being real

but come my dear

and do not hide

shed those tears

I do not mind

but do not stay down

let me build you up

we'll take those scars you hide

and patch them up

we will fill in the cracks

the way the Japanese do

with the art of kintsugi

filling them with gold

I will teach you that

that scars are not to be hidden

but to display with pride

for you have survived

and for that reason alone

are one of the most beautiful

The nights are long the days bleed together, in search of constant distraction to alleviate the emotional turmoil that is within my mind. But the body can only stay awake for so long before my eyes give into the sandpaper feeling of sleepiness, and the nightmares begin to wreak havoc on any possible restful sleep that I may have hoped for. So going to sleep super late and tossing and turning till way too early in the morning never getting enough sleep, I grow agitated and irritable with a short fuse and no tolerance. The isolating thoughts of who would even want to be near me? Cause God knows if I could escape me I would. So I hide myself away in the safety of my room playing on my computer talking to my friends online, where when I feel tired of pretending to be okay or the distractions aren't working anymore I can just hang up the call and take a nap with hopes of not dreaming, or turn on a movie so I can have some time to just not think. This is the side of me I try desperately to hide from everyone cause who when not even me wants to near me.

this is just some rambling at 1:14am I am medicated for mood disorders and am aware that things are not okay I do have an appointment on Tuesday and so I am getting help just feeling and expressing if you have nothing supportive to say please just don't say anything at all. Thank you to whoever reads this and is supportive and thanks to anyone who realized they had nothing nice to say and said nothing at all I hope you the best.

P.S. I'm not suicidal just .... Tired.

The day was scorching the desert sand was hot to the touch her silver hair swayed in the wind as the hot desert air clung to her skin shadows casted under the wrinkles on her face as the sun beat down upon her she was attempting to get to her neighbors tent she was feeling her age today. On her way to the tent something quick and shiny caught her eye off in the distance to her left she shook her head and tried to talk herself out of investigating it's probably these old eyes playing tricks on me again keep walking she would say to herself but she couldn't shake the feeling of needing to go see to be sure so she headed left towards the rockey mountain side she ended up finding a cave with some shiny rocks that were glistening in the sun she let out a sigh just some pretty rocks now i will have to walk that much further just to get to the tent damn my foolish curiousity she scolded herself she took a moment and rested in the shade of the enterance of the cave and she could feel a cool breeze glide accross her cheek she took a deep breath in and then slowly let it out fully enjoying the coolness of it she rested a few moments more she quieted her mind and just listened to what was around her she could hear the wind blowing the she felt the cool rocks in the shadow of the cave and then a sound trickled ever so softly into her ear was that water she heard? she pushed herself away from the wall quickly and leaned in trying to hear it better is that actually water or her wishfull thinking? Damn her curiousity always got the best of her. before she could reason with herself she begain to walk deeper into the cave the sound becoming gradually louder as she became nearer and just then the sight of the nature made fountain overwhelmed her they hadn't found a good water source in months she quickly moved to the edge of it and filled her hads with the cool crisp water and pourd it into her mouth she could feel the cool water slide down her very dry throat down through her chest and settle in her stomach she closed her eyes and took it all in for a moment then took another drink she began to feel different no longer feeling her age of 70 in the hot desert but like a 20 year old on an adventure she assumed this was only due to her excitement and got up and ran to the tent to tell the others of what she had found not realizing that she had been rejuvinated inside and would eventually begin to look younger and they would all live forever.

Sometimes I think I've lived too long.

"Do you have a plan to kill yourself?"

"No..."

"Do you want to die?"

"Death doesn't scare me, and when my time finally comes I welcome it."

It seems people don't understand, when you relive your 30 years of life a thousand times over, you welcome the end.

You look forward to the day you no longer have to force yourself to do the simple things. To plaster a smile on your face, just to make everyone else around you comfortable.

I'm tired, living is exaughsting.

I'm ready for my rest, for true rest, not the restless sleep that I always seem to get when i close my eyes.

No the rest where nothing can disturb me.