I was 18 

And I had not cut in over a year.

No matter how hard I wanted to.

I was 18

And I thought I was learning how to love myself.

And started to get clean.

I was 18 

When I had lost my first friend to drugs.

I met his family and friends.

I was 18

When I'd been sexually assaulted by someone in the rooms

I never wanted to hurt someone so much.

I was 19

When I celebrated my first birthday clean and sober in years.

It was a huge milestone in my life.

I was 19 

When I got one year clean and sober.

I relapsed a month later.

I was 19

When I went back to recovery

I started to get honest.

I was 19 

When I stopped sleeping with anyone and stealing.

I found out what feelings felt like.

I was 19

When love found me.

I didn't even know how to love in return then.

I was 19

When I left my mother’s toxicity.

I know what being an adult is now.

I am 20

And we nearly lost my grandma.

I wanted to let her go.

I am 20

And my mom and step dad relapsed.

My stepdad is an alcoholic 

My mother is an addict.

I am 20

And I put myself in a mental hospital.

I am medicated and in recovery.

I am 20

And I finally know what love looks like.

Let me tell you, what a beautiful thing it is.

I am 20

And I celebrated a year clean and sober again.

I cannot tell you how happy I am today.

I am Jada 

And I am a recovering addict.

I was 14

The first time I had tried to cut my wrists.

Pressure to not be like your mother can do that to you.

I was 14

The first time I smoked a cigarette.

It made me feel like my anxiety could rest.

I was 15

The first time I had learned how to cut my thighs

And hide my scars.

I was 15

When I had started smoking laced green.

I overdosed.

I was 16

When I tried to kill myself by taking too many pills.

I ended up in the kids mental ward.

I was 16

When I had gotten pregnant for the first time.

I had an abortion.

I was 17

When I decided to smoke the laced grass again.

I had a commitment later that night.

I was 17

When I decided to get clean and sober for the first time.

I was a good person.

I was 17

When I really fell in love.

He broke my heart.

I was 17

When I relapsed.

I threw away 4 months because I was sad.

I am 18

And I found out I was pregnant again.

I would not have been a good mother.

I am 18

And I have not cut in over a year.

No matter how hard I want to.

I am 18

And I am learning how to love myself.

I am a good person who never knew how to rely on my own love.

I am Jada

And I am a recovering addict.

It’s 7am, the sun is just starting to crack through the blinds and the day is just waking up. I wake up with the rising sun and I look at you. I just look. I see the way your lips make a pout while you snore deep and long. I memorize the your face breathes along with the rest of you. I trail up to your nose and see the way it cuts and fits you perfect. I go to your eyes next. I can’t see what’s underneath but I count your eyelashes one by one, they’re so full and beautiful. You start to stir along for the day and your eyes open to my eyes. They light up before I see that smile. It fills your entire face and before I know it I’m smiling back. That goddamn smile. It’s so beautiful and devastating. 

“Good morning handsome.” I say to you soft and sweet. 

“Good morning beautiful.” You reply, your voice still laced with sleep. 

“How’d you sleep?” 

“Pretty well, seeing as I get to wake up to my beautiful wife.” I melt every time you say it. 

“Well you’re beautiful wife would love to cuddle you. How are you feeling pain wise?” I ask a little worried with what you’ll say. 

“I would adore it, I actually feel really good this morning.” That sentence should’ve made me want to breathe a little easier but I couldn’t stop the feelings it brought. “What’s wrong my love?”

“I just want to look at you.” I say holding onto the picture of your face a little longer. The way your hair spills around your head, how your hand feels warm on my waist and the other one holding my hand. You smile that smile I’ve been dreading for so long. 

“Baby.” 

That’s all it takes for me to choke on tears. 

“Baby, please look at me.” You hold me just a little closer and try and caress me into seeing your face again. “I’m not ready either. I’m scared shitless for what’s gonna happen and I know you are too. I don’t get to decide when it happens. It’ll happen, but right now, I just want to spend the morning with you, however long that is. Okay?” 

I breathe a little heavier, and exhale “Okay.”

I knew it was going to hurt, fuck I knew it would. But looking at you right now, and seeing that smile I love so much, made me realize I’m only feeling a fraction of what’s to come. 

“Do you remember the first time we met? Really met?”

“Of course. You asked me how we knew each other. I can’t believe I remembered before you.” 

Letting out a breath of laughter I reply, “Well that’s because you had a huge crush on me.” 

“That’s true. God, what a lifetime ago.” 

“Yes it was.” 

For a moment, everything passes again. I smile and let out a snort of laughter. 

“What?”

“I’m just remembering everything. Jesus we’ve been through a lot huh?”

“Yeah, we have. Would you do it all again? If you still knew this was gonna happen?”

“Of course. I’d do everything a million times over. I’d speed up the process a bit and have married you sooner, but that’s about it.” Now it’s your turn to laugh as a smile. “I’m serious.” I laugh out, “You’re the one who wanted to have a longer engagement, to make sure I was ready for a lifelong commitment.”

“Well I still wanted you to have a window of time in case you had cold feet.” 

“I would’ve married you the same day, with or without a wedding. I knew since I was 19 years old that I was going to marry you.” 

I kiss you then, a little peck but I lingered, just a few more seconds of this feeling. Your lips are still so soft. “I can’t believe how lucky I am.” You say looking at me, awe and love covering your features. “To be loved by you and loving you. What a gift.”

Tears start forming again, but I won’t let you see me cry, it’s not about me. “I’m the lucky one.” I manage to choke out, “I still can’t believe you even like me.” 

“I love you, so much. You have brought me so much happiness and have shown me how to live. I wouldn’t have been who I am without you, you’ve helped me grow into someone I could never imagine myself being. I’m so grateful for your part in my life. I will always love you, even after the end.”

I need a second after that, the tears freely escaping. You start wiping my tears and kiss my forehead softly. “I’m going to miss you so much.” 

“I know.” You hold me closer now, your voice getting softer. “I know baby, I’m going to miss you too.” Drawing lazy circles on my back, and me rubbing your fingers with mine, I hold these few moments with you closer. 

“Are you in pain?” 

“It hurts to breathe a little.” 

“Do you want to take a nap?” I ask, already knowing the answer. 

“Yeah.” 

I take one last look at your eyes and your smile. There’s a peace in them I wasn’t ready for. Your tired eyes look at my lips, and I go in for a kiss. The final one, and I hold it. Remembering those lips and the way you taste. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” You say closing your eyes gently. “I’ll see you in your dreams.”

With those words, I look at you, my hand on your hand, my heart on your chest. Your breathing laboring, until your asleep. Peaceful. 

I can’t stop the tears the flood, my heart breaking as each second passes. I want to call the ambulance, but I promised to wait. 

15 minutes pass, and I check you. Your hand is already getting colder. I breathe and let out a sharp breath. 

.

.

.

“911, what’s your emergency?”