I know I'm never going to get a text back from you and that's okay.

I just wanted to text you to see how you're doing.

Hear your laugh another time, listen to one of your famous stories

and I don't give the best hugs because you do

and I don't give the best advice because you do

and right now you'd tell me to eat a snack and let it work itself out

I just wonder how, such a beautiful person can be gone

I don't really know how to write a song, I was just hoping

you'd be there tonight to talk about life with me

And I know you didn't mean to leave

but I was just ready to go when we got the news

had to choose but we were miles from you

in bed with all those various machines

But I know you didn't mean to leave

you just got places to be, people to see

Laughing with everyone you meet

They couldn't keep you down, busy with jet plane energy

you've got places to be, people to see

Flight attendant of the century

I'll always see you in my dreams

I know the three of you are laughing like old pals again

And I'll love you from right here, don't forget me

don't forget me, don't forget me

cause I know that you have places to be, people to see

hey J it's time to leave

places to be, people to see

there's other people here visiting

I just wish you'd answer me

when I joke and say your hair looks great

but I got too scared to say it outloud

so I said I love you and I left

knowing that I'm never going to get a text back from you, and that's okay.

"Are you always this difficult?"

"Are you always this persistent?"

"I do happen to have a gorgeous woman in front of me right now, you can't expect me to just stand here...hands in my pockets...doing nothing."

"Why do you HAVE to kiss me, though?"

"Well, no, I don't HAVE to do anything. I want to kiss you, to hold you, snuggle up with you on the couch while you slowly scootch closer to me because you're scared of invading my space. I want you here with me, in this apartment, in that cat sweater and those jeans and boots, looking all awkward and cute. It's so adorable when you try to be mad."

"I'm not mad."

"Uh huh. Well I'm convinced."

"I just...don't like that you make me feel things."

"Oh gosh, I make her feel things. How horrible."

"I'm just not...used to that."

"You mean you aren't comfortable with that."

"Sure."

"And it scares you that you might actually like me."

"Sure."

"Because at any given moment I could break your heart and you wouldn't be prepared and you don't want to feel that kind of pain again."

"...Yeah"

"So you're not even gonna give me a chance to like you back? That's so unfair."

"No, I will, I just need-"

"Me to kiss you."

"Brandon-"

"Right now."

"But-"

"Jenn?"

"Yes?"

"Please do me a favor and shut up."

There is something funny about the way things slowly resolve themselves.

You don't know it in the moment, those sad, lonely moments when you're crying in the kitchen at 2 am because your anxiety is eating you alive and you can't sleep.

But things do have a way of turning out better every time.

You just have to give in your energy.

You just have to keep trying, even when things don't feel ready.

Push open the door even when you don't want to welcome anything in.

Beer in hand

I walked down the steps

And I realized

With a big smile

My old self would be proud of me

now.

You look over at her, she's wearing her hair down, sitting on the bar stool next to you in a white tank top and staring at her tea like it wronged her. She made a face after taking a sip and lets you try it.

You secretly love it when she lets you take a sip of her drinks.

To you it tastes fine, but you make a face anyways to show mutual support.

She's wearing eyeliner again, just the wings, and for some reason it looks amazing on her...

I peer over the top of my book.

Suddenly I am standing again,

walking over to the window sill

where I leave my phone.

I check my phone again to see

his message on the screen.

The tiniest box, the largest

interruption.

Why can't I focus on reading

right now?

I will take your hand

and maybe it will be rough

and maybe it has dirt on it

and maybe the fingers aren't the prettiest

but I know this hand has held the darkest moments

I know it has thrown rocks for self protection against

bombs

I know it has been stabbed when it has reached out to be shaken

I will take this hand

and I will hold it

because even after all it has been through,

I know it will still hold mine back.

Even from a long ways away,

you have a hold on me,

its magical to think about

until I think about who might

have been with you, in your bed

and I feel sad for the both of us,

that girl and I,

we will always be fighting each other

and will never know it.

There is something in me that is troubling.

Something that hasn't always been there.

It's strong enough to be hate, and fragile enough

to be my self esteem.

It's not like me to like the dark but I am comfortable here.

I don't want to be.

I want to fight it, I want to find a way to move,

get up, pull back the curtains, go outside, talk to someone.

But how can I talk to someone when I feel like everyone is

just waiting for the perfect opportunity to use me?

To stab me in the back when I least expect it?

How can I let anyone in after that.

It's lonely here but I know I am in company with myself,

and I trust her.

I think she is strong enough to bring me back without help.

I know you didn't like it.

When he came home late, smelling like alcohol.

When he loved you one second and wanted you gone the next.

I know it made you feel unlovable.

I know at one point in time, you trusted him.

You stayed by his side, you were there when he wasn't his best.

You were there for the times he got good news at work.

You stayed because you so blindly believed that nothing could

end it.

He put you through sleepless nights, nights where you curled up in

bed and felt like giving up on yourself.

He knew no matter what he did to you, you would be right there when

he asked you to be.

I know why you stayed and I don't blame you.

In the future, there will be more people you will meet like him.

You meet them and suddenly you feel like you've found your person.

It feels like that because it was made to. The familiarity, the comfort,

the I'm-not-going-anywhere.

I want you to avoid those people.

Avoid those people that give you nicknames, that give you a candle lit bath on a random Tuesday, that call you during their break at lunch. Avoid those people that

take you on fancy dates and eat a bunch of food with you in bed at 2 am and pick you up and carry you to bed. I want you to avoid those people that do those nice things. I want you to avoid making those great memories with them.

Because I know that you hate those things now.

And I know that you used to love them.

You did.