I know you didn't like it.

When he came home late, smelling like alcohol.

When he loved you one second and wanted you gone the next.

I know it made you feel unlovable.

I know at one point in time, you trusted him.

You stayed by his side, you were there when he wasn't his best.

You were there for the times he got good news at work.

You stayed because you so blindly believed that nothing could

end it.

He put you through sleepless nights, nights where you curled up in

bed and felt like giving up on yourself.

He knew no matter what he did to you, you would be right there when

he asked you to be.

I know why you stayed and I don't blame you.

In the future, there will be more people you will meet like him.

You meet them and suddenly you feel like you've found your person.

It feels like that because it was made to. The familiarity, the comfort,

the I'm-not-going-anywhere.

I want you to avoid those people.

Avoid those people that give you nicknames, that give you a candle lit bath on a random Tuesday, that call you during their break at lunch. Avoid those people that

take you on fancy dates and eat a bunch of food with you in bed at 2 am and pick you up and carry you to bed. I want you to avoid those people that do those nice things. I want you to avoid making those great memories with them.

Because I know that you hate those things now.

And I know that you used to love them.

You did.

it took me a long time to realize

that its not bad to wake up at 11 am

or to be in a mood when you're feeling annoyed

or to stay in your room all day, if thats what you need.

i was living my life based on the voices in my head

your voice, specifically.

"you might need someone as your personal assistant"

"....they could serve as your executive function"

"someone who could help you make it to these appointments you keep missing"

oh, so someone like you?

i have a mental illness and you don't realize that because of that you have always treated me like i am five years old

thats why i dont trust myself, why im shy when i talk

my confidence i kept in your responsibility and since you take it and rip it up every time, i am left to collect the pieces as they come falling to make what little of an identity i have left

and its an endless loop, as long as i listen to you i will believe i am limited

but i am proud to say i am learning

to cover my ears

She knows that she's tough, and I think

thats what scares her.

What she had to go through to be that

strong. Maybe she felt ashamed for the

way she reached that point, the fact that

behind all of her grit was an ugly trail of

dark rooms, harsh words and people who

treated her badly. But then again, maybe

it was how she held herself now, why was

she still slumped over if she was proud of

how far she had come? Was it fear, or not

wanting to accept all the progress she'd made?

Why the hell was she stalling? Does it not feel

like the right time to celebrate? Does she not

feel like she earned it? Or was it that everytime

she felt the tiniest bit of happiness, she came up

with some reason why it was invalid, like her mom

had raised her to feel. Like her dad had proven she was.

She didn't recognize her own strength, even when it was

so obviously there. So what would it take for her to see it?

Where was her power?

I gently peered into your heart

and found myself surprised

by a great nothing inside.

something less than nothing.

a big gaping hole that looked like

whatever had punctured it had

strong intentions to wound.

but, it made sense.

i remember holding the knife quite hard.

yes

we were friends

yes

we laughed late at night

yes

i did like you

and maybe, so did you

but,

no

we didn’t ever touch

and no

we didn’t ever obviously flirt

or at least it seemed that way

and no

we didn’t ever clearly state

“i like you too”

for me it was a crush

so i’m sorry that after you enthusiastically

told me about

meeting a girl

and her liking you back

and you two going on a date

and you two dating

that i've decided

to step back from the friendship

for once

because if i stayed

it would just hurt more

and you were the one that told me

“being there isn’t good if it hurts you.”

scribbling away in her journal

taking the notes down as fast as she can

because this mindset

this idea

is worth five times what her competitors

are buying.

And dare I say I want it for myself.

Just one thing.

One memory with us.

I want it like this.

I want you to sit down long and cry

when you realize just how badly I let

you treat me.

I would like some more of you.

I was hungry and this plate of your pieces, well

it's nice, but I am lonlier than before, so I need

more than one of you, I need two. I need two

of you because one of you used to be enough, but

you did not have everything I was looking for, so

I shall find it in two of you. That other piece of you

has the zest and bold flavors I am after, but this piece

of you has the familiar hints, the smell that brings

me back to bed. I am greedy, and do not know how

to control my appetite. I do not yet understand that

sometimes it is more sound to order you once and

not wish for seconds, because I will then realize that

one serving of you is all I need.

She can sing but she is afraid of being heard

She can fly but she is afraid of getting hurt

She can write but she is afraid of being erased

Just needs to push herself.

There are people out there

who say good morning,

some who say buenas dias,

others who say god morgen

and some who wake up, not

yet able to speak, but I think

they would have far more

intersting things to say

if they could.