Justbrainstatic
Just a simple girl with a busy mind, full of extraordinary ideas. Level 20
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

We lost a beautiful soul in our community today. Dance among the angels Noelle.

 
When Great Trees Fall
Maya Angelou
 
When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly.  Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed.  They existed.
We can be.  Be and be
better.  For they existed.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
We lost a beautiful soul in our community today. Dance among the angels Noelle.
 
When Great Trees Fall
Maya Angelou
 
When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.
When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.
When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.
Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold
caves.
And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly.  Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed.  They existed.
We can be.  Be and be
better.  For they existed.
#love  #loss  #sadness  #beautiful  #angel  #heaven  #restinpeace  #anewday 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Look at the little details of everyday.

I am puzzled continuously that not everyone sees the world how I do. It saddens me. I try to explain things through my eyes to someone and they just don't understand. I'm the type of girl who sees the sun setting and does not look at the sunset like most would. I'm the girl who looks at the trees and how the sun hits them in such a way that the branches turn golden and if you wait long enough and find the right time the sun goes down till the sky is a late blue, the trees turn to silhouettes and leave me thinking of the unknown that lays beneath the protection of darkness. I'm the girl who looks at someone's eyes and sees everything, they say the eyes are the windows to the soul, oh how true that is. I always tell my boyfriend his eyes remind me of the oceans foam, no they are not blue. They are a mix of teal and mint green with a little brown Somtimes. It reminds me of when the oceans tide grows and leaves soft bubbles at the waters edge. I notice the little things. Like when someone gets quiet because they feel uncomfortable or when someone gets really loud when they are happy. I notice changes in tones and body movements. I'm the type of girl who quite literally can find beauty in the most uncommon things. Like how the the river runs over the small stones on the bed and looks almost glass like, it's something you soon feel compelled to dip your fingers in. I notice how in the fall the leaves change colors but I notice the feelings it gives me and how happy I become. It's such a warming sensation to be surrounded by so many colors how the air goes from being kind of musty and turns into a crisp clean smell, how it becomes easier to breath and think. I notice how freckles align on someone's shoulders or how they have a birth mark above their eye. The things people find to be flaws in themselves are what interest me the most. The scars people wear inside and out, make me question their stories and where they came from. I think people are inherently beautiful. Some people make bad choices but there is always a light in the darkness somewhere you just have to dig deep enough. There are always things that lead up to a persons actions, remember that. Most people, you will find have very large hearts that beat inside of them. I find beauty in the mornings when I hear my mother singing loudly and not very well I might add but I get joy because I know she's happy. I could go on and on but just remember to take a step back somtimes and look around you and you'll inevitably find something breath taking.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Look at the little details of everyday.
I am puzzled continuously that not everyone sees the world how I do. It saddens me. I try to explain things through my eyes to someone and they just don't understand. I'm the type of girl who sees the sun setting and does not look at the sunset like most would. I'm the girl who looks at the trees and how the sun hits them in such a way that the branches turn golden and if you wait long enough and find the right time the sun goes down till the sky is a late blue, the trees turn to silhouettes and leave me thinking of the unknown that lays beneath the protection of darkness. I'm the girl who looks at someone's eyes and sees everything, they say the eyes are the windows to the soul, oh how true that is. I always tell my boyfriend his eyes remind me of the oceans foam, no they are not blue. They are a mix of teal and mint green with a little brown Somtimes. It reminds me of when the oceans tide grows and leaves soft bubbles at the waters edge. I notice the little things. Like when someone gets quiet because they feel uncomfortable or when someone gets really loud when they are happy. I notice changes in tones and body movements. I'm the type of girl who quite literally can find beauty in the most uncommon things. Like how the the river runs over the small stones on the bed and looks almost glass like, it's something you soon feel compelled to dip your fingers in. I notice how in the fall the leaves change colors but I notice the feelings it gives me and how happy I become. It's such a warming sensation to be surrounded by so many colors how the air goes from being kind of musty and turns into a crisp clean smell, how it becomes easier to breath and think. I notice how freckles align on someone's shoulders or how they have a birth mark above their eye. The things people find to be flaws in themselves are what interest me the most. The scars people wear inside and out, make me question their stories and where they came from. I think people are inherently beautiful. Some people make bad choices but there is always a light in the darkness somewhere you just have to dig deep enough. There are always things that lead up to a persons actions, remember that. Most people, you will find have very large hearts that beat inside of them. I find beauty in the mornings when I hear my mother singing loudly and not very well I might add but I get joy because I know she's happy. I could go on and on but just remember to take a step back somtimes and look around you and you'll inevitably find something breath taking.
#life  #love  #nature  #happy  #people  #beauty  #beautiful  #happiness  #positivity  #humans 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

4 years later.

My heart beat triples in speed, pounding stronger, louder, and faster every time I lay my eyes on you. You make my heart beat so fast, when I don't want it to beat at all. You make the world keep turning and the sun keep rising for me. The days I don't want to even climb out of the bed, you make me feel like there is always something to wake up for. Going to sleep is the worst part of the day for me because it means my brain shuts down for a while and I can talk to you. My favorite part of the day now though is when I get to wake up and see your face, eyelids droopy and fluttering from sleep. I love waking up and hearing your voice, raspy and gruff from not being used. My favorite part is when your hug me from behind when I'm still asleep and whisper in my ear "good morning sweetheart" and then you kiss my forehead. My mom asked me tonight why I was in love with you, she wanted to know If I could pin point reasons. I told her I didn't have a reason, I said that our love, just was. There was never one thing that made me fall in love with you, I knew I loved you from the moment you held my hand on our first date, from the moment I saw you leaning against the movie theater beam outside. I told her there was no way I could explain why I love you, other than we were meant to love one another. She just smiled and told me that my answer was the best way to feel and that's how you know your in love. I have to agree, I think that's how love should be, you love them so much that there is nothing, no words strong enough to describe what you feel for them. You just know you were meant to be in each others lives. You make me fall more in love with you everyday, the little things you do and the big things, make me so proud. Those things you do are the little reasons I love you, but mostly I just love you for "you". The entirety of you, your heart, and soul and mind and body. All of it, I love you because you never pretend to be something you aren't, you are you, and I love you for all that you are.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
4 years later.
My heart beat triples in speed, pounding stronger, louder, and faster every time I lay my eyes on you. You make my heart beat so fast, when I don't want it to beat at all. You make the world keep turning and the sun keep rising for me. The days I don't want to even climb out of the bed, you make me feel like there is always something to wake up for. Going to sleep is the worst part of the day for me because it means my brain shuts down for a while and I can talk to you. My favorite part of the day now though is when I get to wake up and see your face, eyelids droopy and fluttering from sleep. I love waking up and hearing your voice, raspy and gruff from not being used. My favorite part is when your hug me from behind when I'm still asleep and whisper in my ear "good morning sweetheart" and then you kiss my forehead. My mom asked me tonight why I was in love with you, she wanted to know If I could pin point reasons. I told her I didn't have a reason, I said that our love, just was. There was never one thing that made me fall in love with you, I knew I loved you from the moment you held my hand on our first date, from the moment I saw you leaning against the movie theater beam outside. I told her there was no way I could explain why I love you, other than we were meant to love one another. She just smiled and told me that my answer was the best way to feel and that's how you know your in love. I have to agree, I think that's how love should be, you love them so much that there is nothing, no words strong enough to describe what you feel for them. You just know you were meant to be in each others lives. You make me fall more in love with you everyday, the little things you do and the big things, make me so proud. Those things you do are the little reasons I love you, but mostly I just love you for "you". The entirety of you, your heart, and soul and mind and body. All of it, I love you because you never pretend to be something you aren't, you are you, and I love you for all that you are.
#romance  #love  #happy  #happiness  #smile  #soulmate  #positive 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

We were never meant to be gentle.

Gentle was not for people like you and me. It never was. In a way way. The way we made love wasn't gentle or slow, it was love nips and bruises on our lips. The way we played with each other, the way we laughed. The way we argued, sometimes our words stung and dug in just a little too deep. The way we loved though, wasn't gentle. We loved each other so passionately and wildly, never simply. So much love went into a single hello or goodbye. It was the die for you kind of thing. Nothing about us was ever gentle or small.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
We were never meant to be gentle.
Gentle was not for people like you and me. It never was. In a way way. The way we made love wasn't gentle or slow, it was love nips and bruises on our lips. The way we played with each other, the way we laughed. The way we argued, sometimes our words stung and dug in just a little too deep. The way we loved though, wasn't gentle. We loved each other so passionately and wildly, never simply. So much love went into a single hello or goodbye. It was the die for you kind of thing. Nothing about us was ever gentle or small.
#love  #happy  #iloveyou  #happiness  #smile  #laughter  #soulmate  #affection  #Protection 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Rock bottom isn't so bottomless.

There's a point when you just can't move any further. I can't progress to more than what I am right now. I feel like iv hit rock bottom. I feel so angry and so sad all the time. My emotions are up and down every second. I can't control them right now. Iv been sleeping the days away because I can't do anything else. I can't function. I feel very isolated. I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. No one in my life who can handle hearing about it. I often find myself looking for a stranger to talk to because they are more open to talking about it with me than people around me. Everyone is always too tired, too stressed, too busy. No one wants to hear it anymore. My main doctor had retired and the only other human being I have to tell is my other therapist who I don't see often. He's not even a friend or a family member, he's a doctor. He is someone who is hired to console me and make me feel better about how desperate I am to not be here anymore. Hes someone who is paid a lump of money to talk to me about my feelings. I don't have anyone who isn't being paid to talk to. No one I want to talk to. It's a very lovely feeling. I find myself just sitting and staring at the wall, at the ceiling, at the trees outside. I'm not even looking, my mind just kind of goes away for a while, it drifts to a different place. I feel very empty and very tired. I don't know if I'll be able to crawl out of this one.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Rock bottom isn't so bottomless.
There's a point when you just can't move any further. I can't progress to more than what I am right now. I feel like iv hit rock bottom. I feel so angry and so sad all the time. My emotions are up and down every second. I can't control them right now. Iv been sleeping the days away because I can't do anything else. I can't function. I feel very isolated. I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. No one in my life who can handle hearing about it. I often find myself looking for a stranger to talk to because they are more open to talking about it with me than people around me. Everyone is always too tired, too stressed, too busy. No one wants to hear it anymore. My main doctor had retired and the only other human being I have to tell is my other therapist who I don't see often. He's not even a friend or a family member, he's a doctor. He is someone who is hired to console me and make me feel better about how desperate I am to not be here anymore. Hes someone who is paid a lump of money to talk to me about my feelings. I don't have anyone who isn't being paid to talk to. No one I want to talk to. It's a very lovely feeling. I find myself just sitting and staring at the wall, at the ceiling, at the trees outside. I'm not even looking, my mind just kind of goes away for a while, it drifts to a different place. I feel very empty and very tired. I don't know if I'll be able to crawl out of this one.
#sad 
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Written by Justbrainstatic

I missed you.

It's so amazing to me to how when I'm with you, everything just pulls together. I don't feel so broken, so lost, so afraid of the world. I don't feel scared when I'm with you. When you're mine and I'm yours. The thing we share is so much more, worth so much more than to be described with the word "love". What we have is, our bad days, our grumpy days, our sadness, our pain. It is also our laughter and our smiles, it's our snuggles and not being able to be in the same room without touching in some way. You see those photos about people saying real couples don't touch every night when they sleep. That's never been you and me. Three years plus and we touch each other and get tangled up in each other every time we're in the same bed. You make my heart warm, you make it beat so fast when I don't want it to beat at all. You remind me I'm alive, that it's okay to be broken because I will heal. I never go without feeling how much you love me, how special you make me feel. When I found you and you found me in this life, you not only became my sweetheart but you became my best friend in life. You are all I could ever want or ask for in a person. You are my forever. I missed you so much my soul ached.

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Written by Justbrainstatic
I missed you.
It's so amazing to me to how when I'm with you, everything just pulls together. I don't feel so broken, so lost, so afraid of the world. I don't feel scared when I'm with you. When you're mine and I'm yours. The thing we share is so much more, worth so much more than to be described with the word "love". What we have is, our bad days, our grumpy days, our sadness, our pain. It is also our laughter and our smiles, it's our snuggles and not being able to be in the same room without touching in some way. You see those photos about people saying real couples don't touch every night when they sleep. That's never been you and me. Three years plus and we touch each other and get tangled up in each other every time we're in the same bed. You make my heart warm, you make it beat so fast when I don't want it to beat at all. You remind me I'm alive, that it's okay to be broken because I will heal. I never go without feeling how much you love me, how special you make me feel. When I found you and you found me in this life, you not only became my sweetheart but you became my best friend in life. You are all I could ever want or ask for in a person. You are my forever. I missed you so much my soul ached.
#romance  #bestfriend  #iloveyou  #imissedyou 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Not one of those girls.

I am a quilt of flaws, stitched together with bad memories. Little things set me on fire, they make my chest burn with anxiety from hatred. I don't think I could ever hate anyone more than I hate myself. Iv always wanted to be one of those beautiful flawless girls, tan skin, long wavy hair, blue eyes, great body. I am none of those. I am the very opposite. I am a girl who is way too tall, I have long flat hair, I am as pale as a ghost and my eyes resemble that of a mud puddle. I am overweight in all the wrong places. I'd like to say I have curves but it's more than that, I am fat. I am non of the things that are in my opinion beautiful. I have anxiety out pouring out of me, and my emotions fly all over the place. I wish I could say I was happy and bubbly but instead I'm just sad and bitter. Iv struggled with weight ever sense going on antipsychotics, last year I managed to lose 50+ pounds. The entire time I felt like I was getting bigger. I am so awful Critical that every time someone says something that's not meant as an insult, my brain reverses it and turns it into one. I hate that I'm scared to eat in front of people because i feel like they are judging me for how much is on my plate, how fat I am. I feel like I can't be attractive or sexy in important times. I can't be attractive, I'm not one of those pretty girls. I never have been.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Not one of those girls.
I am a quilt of flaws, stitched together with bad memories. Little things set me on fire, they make my chest burn with anxiety from hatred. I don't think I could ever hate anyone more than I hate myself. Iv always wanted to be one of those beautiful flawless girls, tan skin, long wavy hair, blue eyes, great body. I am none of those. I am the very opposite. I am a girl who is way too tall, I have long flat hair, I am as pale as a ghost and my eyes resemble that of a mud puddle. I am overweight in all the wrong places. I'd like to say I have curves but it's more than that, I am fat. I am non of the things that are in my opinion beautiful. I have anxiety out pouring out of me, and my emotions fly all over the place. I wish I could say I was happy and bubbly but instead I'm just sad and bitter. Iv struggled with weight ever sense going on antipsychotics, last year I managed to lose 50+ pounds. The entire time I felt like I was getting bigger. I am so awful Critical that every time someone says something that's not meant as an insult, my brain reverses it and turns it into one. I hate that I'm scared to eat in front of people because i feel like they are judging me for how much is on my plate, how fat I am. I feel like I can't be attractive or sexy in important times. I can't be attractive, I'm not one of those pretty girls. I never have been.
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Who's hand am I holding now ?

What do you do when you have two hearts inside of your chest. When those hearts contradict one another so strongly. One means sunshine, one means dusk. I am being whirled up into a storm of confusion and sadness. The minute I get my bearings, it's like a rug gets pulled from beneath me and I'm back on my ass again. I'm so scared of the future. My future depends on me but it's also altered by those around me and the decisions they make that include me. I would like to just drop it all and disappear and never have to look back. Never have to re visit the memories these humans hold for me. I want to hold onto the beautiful little chapters they gave me but I want to delete the rest of them from my book that's ever growing. I need clarity. My mind is a fog

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Who's hand am I holding now ?
What do you do when you have two hearts inside of your chest. When those hearts contradict one another so strongly. One means sunshine, one means dusk. I am being whirled up into a storm of confusion and sadness. The minute I get my bearings, it's like a rug gets pulled from beneath me and I'm back on my ass again. I'm so scared of the future. My future depends on me but it's also altered by those around me and the decisions they make that include me. I would like to just drop it all and disappear and never have to look back. Never have to re visit the memories these humans hold for me. I want to hold onto the beautiful little chapters they gave me but I want to delete the rest of them from my book that's ever growing. I need clarity. My mind is a fog
#sad  #scared  #hurt  #confused  #angry  #whatthefuck 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

To be in pain, means to be alive.

I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
To be in pain, means to be alive.
I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.
#loss  #anger  #pain  #sadness  #depression  #hurt  #abuse 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

To be in pain, means to be alive.

I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
To be in pain, means to be alive.
I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.
#loss  #anger  #pain  #sadness  #depression  #hurt  #abuse 
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