Justbrainstatic
Just a simple girl with a busy mind, full of extraordinary ideas. Level 20
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Written by Justbrainstatic

I missed you.

It's so amazing to me to how when I'm with you, everything just pulls together. I don't feel so broken, so lost, so afraid of the world. I don't feel scared when I'm with you. When you're mine and I'm yours. The thing we share is so much more, worth so much more than to be described with the word "love". What we have is, our bad days, our grumpy days, our sadness, our pain. It is also our laughter and our smiles, it's our snuggles and not being able to be in the same room without touching in some way. You see those photos about people saying real couples don't touch every night when they sleep. That's never been you and me. Three years plus and we touch each other and get tangled up in each other every time we're in the same bed. You make my heart warm, you make it beat so fast when I don't want it to beat at all. You remind me I'm alive, that it's okay to be broken because I will heal. I never go without feeling how much you love me, how special you make me feel. When I found you and you found me in this life, you not only became my sweetheart but you became my best friend in life. You are all I could ever want or ask for in a person. You are my forever. I missed you so much my soul ached.

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Written by Justbrainstatic
I missed you.
It's so amazing to me to how when I'm with you, everything just pulls together. I don't feel so broken, so lost, so afraid of the world. I don't feel scared when I'm with you. When you're mine and I'm yours. The thing we share is so much more, worth so much more than to be described with the word "love". What we have is, our bad days, our grumpy days, our sadness, our pain. It is also our laughter and our smiles, it's our snuggles and not being able to be in the same room without touching in some way. You see those photos about people saying real couples don't touch every night when they sleep. That's never been you and me. Three years plus and we touch each other and get tangled up in each other every time we're in the same bed. You make my heart warm, you make it beat so fast when I don't want it to beat at all. You remind me I'm alive, that it's okay to be broken because I will heal. I never go without feeling how much you love me, how special you make me feel. When I found you and you found me in this life, you not only became my sweetheart but you became my best friend in life. You are all I could ever want or ask for in a person. You are my forever. I missed you so much my soul ached.
#romance  #bestfriend  #iloveyou  #imissedyou 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Not one of those girls.

I am a quilt of flaws, stitched together with bad memories. Little things set me on fire, they make my chest burn with anxiety from hatred. I don't think I could ever hate anyone more than I hate myself. Iv always wanted to be one of those beautiful flawless girls, tan skin, long wavy hair, blue eyes, great body. I am none of those. I am the very opposite. I am a girl who is way too tall, I have long flat hair, I am as pale as a ghost and my eyes resemble that of a mud puddle. I am overweight in all the wrong places. I'd like to say I have curves but it's more than that, I am fat. I am non of the things that are in my opinion beautiful. I have anxiety out pouring out of me, and my emotions fly all over the place. I wish I could say I was happy and bubbly but instead I'm just sad and bitter. Iv struggled with weight ever sense going on antipsychotics, last year I managed to lose 50+ pounds. The entire time I felt like I was getting bigger. I am so awful Critical that every time someone says something that's not meant as an insult, my brain reverses it and turns it into one. I hate that I'm scared to eat in front of people because i feel like they are judging me for how much is on my plate, how fat I am. I feel like I can't be attractive or sexy in important times. I can't be attractive, I'm not one of those pretty girls. I never have been.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Not one of those girls.
I am a quilt of flaws, stitched together with bad memories. Little things set me on fire, they make my chest burn with anxiety from hatred. I don't think I could ever hate anyone more than I hate myself. Iv always wanted to be one of those beautiful flawless girls, tan skin, long wavy hair, blue eyes, great body. I am none of those. I am the very opposite. I am a girl who is way too tall, I have long flat hair, I am as pale as a ghost and my eyes resemble that of a mud puddle. I am overweight in all the wrong places. I'd like to say I have curves but it's more than that, I am fat. I am non of the things that are in my opinion beautiful. I have anxiety out pouring out of me, and my emotions fly all over the place. I wish I could say I was happy and bubbly but instead I'm just sad and bitter. Iv struggled with weight ever sense going on antipsychotics, last year I managed to lose 50+ pounds. The entire time I felt like I was getting bigger. I am so awful Critical that every time someone says something that's not meant as an insult, my brain reverses it and turns it into one. I hate that I'm scared to eat in front of people because i feel like they are judging me for how much is on my plate, how fat I am. I feel like I can't be attractive or sexy in important times. I can't be attractive, I'm not one of those pretty girls. I never have been.
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Who's hand am I holding now ?

What do you do when you have two hearts inside of your chest. When those hearts contradict one another so strongly. One means sunshine, one means dusk. I am being whirled up into a storm of confusion and sadness. The minute I get my bearings, it's like a rug gets pulled from beneath me and I'm back on my ass again. I'm so scared of the future. My future depends on me but it's also altered by those around me and the decisions they make that include me. I would like to just drop it all and disappear and never have to look back. Never have to re visit the memories these humans hold for me. I want to hold onto the beautiful little chapters they gave me but I want to delete the rest of them from my book that's ever growing. I need clarity. My mind is a fog

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Who's hand am I holding now ?
What do you do when you have two hearts inside of your chest. When those hearts contradict one another so strongly. One means sunshine, one means dusk. I am being whirled up into a storm of confusion and sadness. The minute I get my bearings, it's like a rug gets pulled from beneath me and I'm back on my ass again. I'm so scared of the future. My future depends on me but it's also altered by those around me and the decisions they make that include me. I would like to just drop it all and disappear and never have to look back. Never have to re visit the memories these humans hold for me. I want to hold onto the beautiful little chapters they gave me but I want to delete the rest of them from my book that's ever growing. I need clarity. My mind is a fog
#sad  #scared  #hurt  #confused  #angry  #whatthefuck 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

To be in pain, means to be alive.

I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.

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Juice
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
To be in pain, means to be alive.
I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.
#loss  #anger  #pain  #sadness  #depression  #hurt  #abuse 
7
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Juice
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

To be in pain, means to be alive.

I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.

4
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Juice
35 reads
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Juice
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
To be in pain, means to be alive.
I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.
#loss  #anger  #pain  #sadness  #depression  #hurt  #abuse 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Just be a decent human being in this dark place.

There is so much hate and anger in the world today. I saw this photo on Facebook and it really got me thinking. The basis of the photo was "kindness". Be kind, smile at a passing stranger, help an elderly person, compliment someone. There are countless movements and protests about, race, Gender equality, gay rights controversy. Those are all okay when you have somthing you strongly believe in and want to stand up for it, unless you go out of your way to physically harm or verbally bash another human being, which is what often happens. How about we start a kindness movement, we all know that is what this world really needs now. We have so much hate and violence in the world today. We think it's okay to hurt people because of our beliefs. How about we just start valuing everyone. Value their opinions, their rights, there appearances. We are all human and we all deserve the same courtesy of someone being a decent human being to us. So just start small everyday. Say hi to a stranger in the store and greet them with a warm smile. Compliment someone on their hair or their outfit, or a tattoo or piercing, because we all know how much Hate alternative people get for being "too different". Just start accepting people the way you would want to be accepted. We are all humans and we all deserve at least some amount of kindness no matter who we are.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Just be a decent human being in this dark place.
There is so much hate and anger in the world today. I saw this photo on Facebook and it really got me thinking. The basis of the photo was "kindness". Be kind, smile at a passing stranger, help an elderly person, compliment someone. There are countless movements and protests about, race, Gender equality, gay rights controversy. Those are all okay when you have somthing you strongly believe in and want to stand up for it, unless you go out of your way to physically harm or verbally bash another human being, which is what often happens. How about we start a kindness movement, we all know that is what this world really needs now. We have so much hate and violence in the world today. We think it's okay to hurt people because of our beliefs. How about we just start valuing everyone. Value their opinions, their rights, there appearances. We are all human and we all deserve the same courtesy of someone being a decent human being to us. So just start small everyday. Say hi to a stranger in the store and greet them with a warm smile. Compliment someone on their hair or their outfit, or a tattoo or piercing, because we all know how much Hate alternative people get for being "too different". Just start accepting people the way you would want to be accepted. We are all humans and we all deserve at least some amount of kindness no matter who we are.
#love  #happiness  #kindness  #gayrights  #genrderequality  #opponion 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Just tell me how you feel

I just need to know what you want. I need to know what move to make. How I'm supposed to feel, how I'm not supposed to feel. Just tell me what to do. Do I stay in a tornado of confusion or do I walk away into the calm until the next storm finds me. Just tell me what your thinking, tell me what you feel. Let me inside the darkest parts of your brain and just let me explore you.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Just tell me how you feel
I just need to know what you want. I need to know what move to make. How I'm supposed to feel, how I'm not supposed to feel. Just tell me what to do. Do I stay in a tornado of confusion or do I walk away into the calm until the next storm finds me. Just tell me what your thinking, tell me what you feel. Let me inside the darkest parts of your brain and just let me explore you.
#confusion  #sad  #beautiful  #helpmeunderstand 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Please take me away to a world better than this.

I just want to be okay again. I want to stop being detrimentally miserable. I want to find my way in the world. I feel lost more than I feel found. I want things I can't have. I have always wanted things I can't have. I find beauty in people and they continuously show me the ugly inside. I see the beauty in them even when they don't deserve it. I want to run. I want to pack up the small world inside of me and leave and never look back. I want to move and see places where no one knows my name, where no one knows my story. I want to go away so I don't have to know people, so I don't have to love people. I just want to pack up and disappear. That's the trouble with being a small town girl, everyone knows the hand you've been dealt. I'm tired of being an open book to everyone. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I'm tired of being hurt.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Please take me away to a world better than this.
I just want to be okay again. I want to stop being detrimentally miserable. I want to find my way in the world. I feel lost more than I feel found. I want things I can't have. I have always wanted things I can't have. I find beauty in people and they continuously show me the ugly inside. I see the beauty in them even when they don't deserve it. I want to run. I want to pack up the small world inside of me and leave and never look back. I want to move and see places where no one knows my name, where no one knows my story. I want to go away so I don't have to know people, so I don't have to love people. I just want to pack up and disappear. That's the trouble with being a small town girl, everyone knows the hand you've been dealt. I'm tired of being an open book to everyone. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I'm tired of being hurt.
#sad  #depression  #hurt  #lonley  #iwanttodisapear 
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Juice
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Please take me away to a world better than this.

I just want to be okay again. I want to stop being detrimentally miserable. I want to find my way in the world. I feel lost more than I feel found. I want things I can't have. I have always wanted things I can't have. I find beauty in people and they continuously show me the ugly inside. I see the beauty in them even when they don't deserve it. I want to run. I want to pack up the small world inside of me and leave and never look back. I want to move and see places where no one knows my name, where no one knows my story. I want to go away so I don't have to know people, so I don't have to love people. I just want to pack up and disappear. That's the trouble with being a small town girl, everyone knows the hand you've been dealt. I'm tired of being an open book to everyone. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I'm tired of being hurt.

3
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Juice
18 reads
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Juice
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Please take me away to a world better than this.
I just want to be okay again. I want to stop being detrimentally miserable. I want to find my way in the world. I feel lost more than I feel found. I want things I can't have. I have always wanted things I can't have. I find beauty in people and they continuously show me the ugly inside. I see the beauty in them even when they don't deserve it. I want to run. I want to pack up the small world inside of me and leave and never look back. I want to move and see places where no one knows my name, where no one knows my story. I want to go away so I don't have to know people, so I don't have to love people. I just want to pack up and disappear. That's the trouble with being a small town girl, everyone knows the hand you've been dealt. I'm tired of being an open book to everyone. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I'm tired of being hurt.
#sad  #depression  #hurt  #lonley  #iwanttodisapear 
3
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Juice
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Why doesn't my brain ever stop. Why won't my brain let me think I'm good enough for anyone. Why won't my brain just let me breathe. I'm suffocating in my own mind. When I look back on it there is a lot that leads up to it all. Why I don't trust guys, why I don't let them close to me, why I never want to again. I learned at a Young age how dominant men can be, how harmful. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to learn to be afraid and fight as a little girl. I wasn't supposed to be scared for the remainder of my adulthood. I am. I'm afraid to let anyone in. The worst part of it is that even when someone promises to stay, promises to never let you go and disappear, they do. People do not understand the entirety of the promises they are making when they make them. People change and love and feeling complete goes to being hurt and emotionally damaged. People hurt each other, it's in or nature from birth. We destroy each other. The worst is when we destroy the person We're supposed to love and take care of. My brain is so full today. It's not quiet, it's loud and obnoxious, it's screaming. I want to be able to be whole again, to be who I was before all of this happened to me. Before other humans destroyed the human I was. People scare me, they change their minds so quickly.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
Why doesn't my brain ever stop. Why won't my brain let me think I'm good enough for anyone. Why won't my brain just let me breathe. I'm suffocating in my own mind. When I look back on it there is a lot that leads up to it all. Why I don't trust guys, why I don't let them close to me, why I never want to again. I learned at a Young age how dominant men can be, how harmful. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to learn to be afraid and fight as a little girl. I wasn't supposed to be scared for the remainder of my adulthood. I am. I'm afraid to let anyone in. The worst part of it is that even when someone promises to stay, promises to never let you go and disappear, they do. People do not understand the entirety of the promises they are making when they make them. People change and love and feeling complete goes to being hurt and emotionally damaged. People hurt each other, it's in or nature from birth. We destroy each other. The worst is when we destroy the person We're supposed to love and take care of. My brain is so full today. It's not quiet, it's loud and obnoxious, it's screaming. I want to be able to be whole again, to be who I was before all of this happened to me. Before other humans destroyed the human I was. People scare me, they change their minds so quickly.
#love  #sad  #scared  #depression  #hurt 
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