Justbrainstatic
Just a simple girl with a busy mind, full of extraordinary ideas. Level 20
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

4 years later.

My heart beat triples in speed, pounding stronger, louder, and faster every time I lay my eyes on you. You make my heart beat so fast, when I don't want it to beat at all. You make the world keep turning and the sun keep rising for me. The days I don't want to even climb out of the bed, you make me feel like there is always something to wake up for. Going to sleep is the worst part of the day for me because it means my brain shuts down for a while and I can talk to you. My favorite part of the day now though is when I get to wake up and see your face, eyelids droopy and fluttering from sleep. I love waking up and hearing your voice, raspy and gruff from not being used. My favorite part is when your hug me from behind when I'm still asleep and whisper in my ear "good morning sweetheart" and then you kiss my forehead. My mom asked me tonight why I was in love with you, she wanted to know If I could pin point reasons. I told her I didn't have a reason, I said that our love, just was. There was never one thing that made me fall in love with you, I knew I loved you from the moment you held my hand on our first date, from the moment I saw you leaning against the movie theater beam outside. I told her there was no way I could explain why I love you, other than we were meant to love one another. She just smiled and told me that my answer was the best way to feel and that's how you know your in love. I have to agree, I think that's how love should be, you love them so much that there is nothing, no words strong enough to describe what you feel for them. You just know you were meant to be in each others lives. You make me fall more in love with you everyday, the little things you do and the big things, make me so proud. Those things you do are the little reasons I love you, but mostly I just love you for "you". The entirety of you, your heart, and soul and mind and body. All of it, I love you because you never pretend to be something you aren't, you are you, and I love you for all that you are.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
4 years later.
My heart beat triples in speed, pounding stronger, louder, and faster every time I lay my eyes on you. You make my heart beat so fast, when I don't want it to beat at all. You make the world keep turning and the sun keep rising for me. The days I don't want to even climb out of the bed, you make me feel like there is always something to wake up for. Going to sleep is the worst part of the day for me because it means my brain shuts down for a while and I can talk to you. My favorite part of the day now though is when I get to wake up and see your face, eyelids droopy and fluttering from sleep. I love waking up and hearing your voice, raspy and gruff from not being used. My favorite part is when your hug me from behind when I'm still asleep and whisper in my ear "good morning sweetheart" and then you kiss my forehead. My mom asked me tonight why I was in love with you, she wanted to know If I could pin point reasons. I told her I didn't have a reason, I said that our love, just was. There was never one thing that made me fall in love with you, I knew I loved you from the moment you held my hand on our first date, from the moment I saw you leaning against the movie theater beam outside. I told her there was no way I could explain why I love you, other than we were meant to love one another. She just smiled and told me that my answer was the best way to feel and that's how you know your in love. I have to agree, I think that's how love should be, you love them so much that there is nothing, no words strong enough to describe what you feel for them. You just know you were meant to be in each others lives. You make me fall more in love with you everyday, the little things you do and the big things, make me so proud. Those things you do are the little reasons I love you, but mostly I just love you for "you". The entirety of you, your heart, and soul and mind and body. All of it, I love you because you never pretend to be something you aren't, you are you, and I love you for all that you are.
#romance  #love  #happy  #happiness  #smile  #soulmate  #positive 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

We were never meant to be gentle.

Gentle was not for people like you and me. It never was. In a way way. The way we made love wasn't gentle or slow, it was love nips and bruises on our lips. The way we played with each other, the way we laughed. The way we argued, sometimes our words stung and dug in just a little too deep. The way we loved though, wasn't gentle. We loved each other so passionately and wildly, never simply. So much love went into a single hello or goodbye. It was the die for you kind of thing. Nothing about us was ever gentle or small.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
We were never meant to be gentle.
Gentle was not for people like you and me. It never was. In a way way. The way we made love wasn't gentle or slow, it was love nips and bruises on our lips. The way we played with each other, the way we laughed. The way we argued, sometimes our words stung and dug in just a little too deep. The way we loved though, wasn't gentle. We loved each other so passionately and wildly, never simply. So much love went into a single hello or goodbye. It was the die for you kind of thing. Nothing about us was ever gentle or small.
#love  #happy  #iloveyou  #happiness  #smile  #laughter  #soulmate  #affection  #Protection 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Rock bottom isn't so bottomless.

There's a point when you just can't move any further. I can't progress to more than what I am right now. I feel like iv hit rock bottom. I feel so angry and so sad all the time. My emotions are up and down every second. I can't control them right now. Iv been sleeping the days away because I can't do anything else. I can't function. I feel very isolated. I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. No one in my life who can handle hearing about it. I often find myself looking for a stranger to talk to because they are more open to talking about it with me than people around me. Everyone is always too tired, too stressed, too busy. No one wants to hear it anymore. My main doctor had retired and the only other human being I have to tell is my other therapist who I don't see often. He's not even a friend or a family member, he's a doctor. He is someone who is hired to console me and make me feel better about how desperate I am to not be here anymore. Hes someone who is paid a lump of money to talk to me about my feelings. I don't have anyone who isn't being paid to talk to. No one I want to talk to. It's a very lovely feeling. I find myself just sitting and staring at the wall, at the ceiling, at the trees outside. I'm not even looking, my mind just kind of goes away for a while, it drifts to a different place. I feel very empty and very tired. I don't know if I'll be able to crawl out of this one.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Rock bottom isn't so bottomless.
There's a point when you just can't move any further. I can't progress to more than what I am right now. I feel like iv hit rock bottom. I feel so angry and so sad all the time. My emotions are up and down every second. I can't control them right now. Iv been sleeping the days away because I can't do anything else. I can't function. I feel very isolated. I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. No one in my life who can handle hearing about it. I often find myself looking for a stranger to talk to because they are more open to talking about it with me than people around me. Everyone is always too tired, too stressed, too busy. No one wants to hear it anymore. My main doctor had retired and the only other human being I have to tell is my other therapist who I don't see often. He's not even a friend or a family member, he's a doctor. He is someone who is hired to console me and make me feel better about how desperate I am to not be here anymore. Hes someone who is paid a lump of money to talk to me about my feelings. I don't have anyone who isn't being paid to talk to. No one I want to talk to. It's a very lovely feeling. I find myself just sitting and staring at the wall, at the ceiling, at the trees outside. I'm not even looking, my mind just kind of goes away for a while, it drifts to a different place. I feel very empty and very tired. I don't know if I'll be able to crawl out of this one.
#sad 
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Written by Justbrainstatic

I missed you.

It's so amazing to me to how when I'm with you, everything just pulls together. I don't feel so broken, so lost, so afraid of the world. I don't feel scared when I'm with you. When you're mine and I'm yours. The thing we share is so much more, worth so much more than to be described with the word "love". What we have is, our bad days, our grumpy days, our sadness, our pain. It is also our laughter and our smiles, it's our snuggles and not being able to be in the same room without touching in some way. You see those photos about people saying real couples don't touch every night when they sleep. That's never been you and me. Three years plus and we touch each other and get tangled up in each other every time we're in the same bed. You make my heart warm, you make it beat so fast when I don't want it to beat at all. You remind me I'm alive, that it's okay to be broken because I will heal. I never go without feeling how much you love me, how special you make me feel. When I found you and you found me in this life, you not only became my sweetheart but you became my best friend in life. You are all I could ever want or ask for in a person. You are my forever. I missed you so much my soul ached.

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Written by Justbrainstatic
I missed you.
It's so amazing to me to how when I'm with you, everything just pulls together. I don't feel so broken, so lost, so afraid of the world. I don't feel scared when I'm with you. When you're mine and I'm yours. The thing we share is so much more, worth so much more than to be described with the word "love". What we have is, our bad days, our grumpy days, our sadness, our pain. It is also our laughter and our smiles, it's our snuggles and not being able to be in the same room without touching in some way. You see those photos about people saying real couples don't touch every night when they sleep. That's never been you and me. Three years plus and we touch each other and get tangled up in each other every time we're in the same bed. You make my heart warm, you make it beat so fast when I don't want it to beat at all. You remind me I'm alive, that it's okay to be broken because I will heal. I never go without feeling how much you love me, how special you make me feel. When I found you and you found me in this life, you not only became my sweetheart but you became my best friend in life. You are all I could ever want or ask for in a person. You are my forever. I missed you so much my soul ached.
#romance  #bestfriend  #iloveyou  #imissedyou 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Not one of those girls.

I am a quilt of flaws, stitched together with bad memories. Little things set me on fire, they make my chest burn with anxiety from hatred. I don't think I could ever hate anyone more than I hate myself. Iv always wanted to be one of those beautiful flawless girls, tan skin, long wavy hair, blue eyes, great body. I am none of those. I am the very opposite. I am a girl who is way too tall, I have long flat hair, I am as pale as a ghost and my eyes resemble that of a mud puddle. I am overweight in all the wrong places. I'd like to say I have curves but it's more than that, I am fat. I am non of the things that are in my opinion beautiful. I have anxiety out pouring out of me, and my emotions fly all over the place. I wish I could say I was happy and bubbly but instead I'm just sad and bitter. Iv struggled with weight ever sense going on antipsychotics, last year I managed to lose 50+ pounds. The entire time I felt like I was getting bigger. I am so awful Critical that every time someone says something that's not meant as an insult, my brain reverses it and turns it into one. I hate that I'm scared to eat in front of people because i feel like they are judging me for how much is on my plate, how fat I am. I feel like I can't be attractive or sexy in important times. I can't be attractive, I'm not one of those pretty girls. I never have been.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Not one of those girls.
I am a quilt of flaws, stitched together with bad memories. Little things set me on fire, they make my chest burn with anxiety from hatred. I don't think I could ever hate anyone more than I hate myself. Iv always wanted to be one of those beautiful flawless girls, tan skin, long wavy hair, blue eyes, great body. I am none of those. I am the very opposite. I am a girl who is way too tall, I have long flat hair, I am as pale as a ghost and my eyes resemble that of a mud puddle. I am overweight in all the wrong places. I'd like to say I have curves but it's more than that, I am fat. I am non of the things that are in my opinion beautiful. I have anxiety out pouring out of me, and my emotions fly all over the place. I wish I could say I was happy and bubbly but instead I'm just sad and bitter. Iv struggled with weight ever sense going on antipsychotics, last year I managed to lose 50+ pounds. The entire time I felt like I was getting bigger. I am so awful Critical that every time someone says something that's not meant as an insult, my brain reverses it and turns it into one. I hate that I'm scared to eat in front of people because i feel like they are judging me for how much is on my plate, how fat I am. I feel like I can't be attractive or sexy in important times. I can't be attractive, I'm not one of those pretty girls. I never have been.
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Who's hand am I holding now ?

What do you do when you have two hearts inside of your chest. When those hearts contradict one another so strongly. One means sunshine, one means dusk. I am being whirled up into a storm of confusion and sadness. The minute I get my bearings, it's like a rug gets pulled from beneath me and I'm back on my ass again. I'm so scared of the future. My future depends on me but it's also altered by those around me and the decisions they make that include me. I would like to just drop it all and disappear and never have to look back. Never have to re visit the memories these humans hold for me. I want to hold onto the beautiful little chapters they gave me but I want to delete the rest of them from my book that's ever growing. I need clarity. My mind is a fog

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Who's hand am I holding now ?
What do you do when you have two hearts inside of your chest. When those hearts contradict one another so strongly. One means sunshine, one means dusk. I am being whirled up into a storm of confusion and sadness. The minute I get my bearings, it's like a rug gets pulled from beneath me and I'm back on my ass again. I'm so scared of the future. My future depends on me but it's also altered by those around me and the decisions they make that include me. I would like to just drop it all and disappear and never have to look back. Never have to re visit the memories these humans hold for me. I want to hold onto the beautiful little chapters they gave me but I want to delete the rest of them from my book that's ever growing. I need clarity. My mind is a fog
#sad  #scared  #hurt  #confused  #angry  #whatthefuck 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

To be in pain, means to be alive.

I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
To be in pain, means to be alive.
I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.
#loss  #anger  #pain  #sadness  #depression  #hurt  #abuse 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

To be in pain, means to be alive.

I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.

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Juice
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
To be in pain, means to be alive.
I finally figured it out. The difference between you and me. You used to be the sunshine, vibrant and warm. Now you are a black abyss of sadness and anger. I have become the sun. How different it is for me to be the warm one, the one full of life. Iv always been dead inside. Compared to you, i am like a new born, the definition of living. You used to leak joy and laughter out of your lips. Now all I taste is anger and bitterness on you. It makes my knees weak. Not in the way you think. It makes them quiver out of sadness that you've turned into someone you promised you would never become. I would take the time to ask you, what has made you so cold. I already know what did this to you. I already know the unkindness you have experienced. I already know your suffering. I can't question why you have turned to stone because that wouldn't be fair of me to ask. I know why you're the shell of yourself. I know what happened. I lived it with you. Some days, I can't be mad for you being so harsh and distant. I often find myself wondering if my heart still beats. If my feet are still moving. The only assurance of being alive is when I watch my chest heave up and down. Sometimes I wish it would stop moving all together. Like I said it's not hard for me to understand why you have turned to stone.
#loss  #anger  #pain  #sadness  #depression  #hurt  #abuse 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Just be a decent human being in this dark place.

There is so much hate and anger in the world today. I saw this photo on Facebook and it really got me thinking. The basis of the photo was "kindness". Be kind, smile at a passing stranger, help an elderly person, compliment someone. There are countless movements and protests about, race, Gender equality, gay rights controversy. Those are all okay when you have somthing you strongly believe in and want to stand up for it, unless you go out of your way to physically harm or verbally bash another human being, which is what often happens. How about we start a kindness movement, we all know that is what this world really needs now. We have so much hate and violence in the world today. We think it's okay to hurt people because of our beliefs. How about we just start valuing everyone. Value their opinions, their rights, there appearances. We are all human and we all deserve the same courtesy of someone being a decent human being to us. So just start small everyday. Say hi to a stranger in the store and greet them with a warm smile. Compliment someone on their hair or their outfit, or a tattoo or piercing, because we all know how much Hate alternative people get for being "too different". Just start accepting people the way you would want to be accepted. We are all humans and we all deserve at least some amount of kindness no matter who we are.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Just be a decent human being in this dark place.
There is so much hate and anger in the world today. I saw this photo on Facebook and it really got me thinking. The basis of the photo was "kindness". Be kind, smile at a passing stranger, help an elderly person, compliment someone. There are countless movements and protests about, race, Gender equality, gay rights controversy. Those are all okay when you have somthing you strongly believe in and want to stand up for it, unless you go out of your way to physically harm or verbally bash another human being, which is what often happens. How about we start a kindness movement, we all know that is what this world really needs now. We have so much hate and violence in the world today. We think it's okay to hurt people because of our beliefs. How about we just start valuing everyone. Value their opinions, their rights, there appearances. We are all human and we all deserve the same courtesy of someone being a decent human being to us. So just start small everyday. Say hi to a stranger in the store and greet them with a warm smile. Compliment someone on their hair or their outfit, or a tattoo or piercing, because we all know how much Hate alternative people get for being "too different". Just start accepting people the way you would want to be accepted. We are all humans and we all deserve at least some amount of kindness no matter who we are.
#love  #happiness  #kindness  #gayrights  #genrderequality  #opponion 
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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness

Just tell me how you feel

I just need to know what you want. I need to know what move to make. How I'm supposed to feel, how I'm not supposed to feel. Just tell me what to do. Do I stay in a tornado of confusion or do I walk away into the calm until the next storm finds me. Just tell me what your thinking, tell me what you feel. Let me inside the darkest parts of your brain and just let me explore you.

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Written by Justbrainstatic in portal Stream of Consciousness
Just tell me how you feel
I just need to know what you want. I need to know what move to make. How I'm supposed to feel, how I'm not supposed to feel. Just tell me what to do. Do I stay in a tornado of confusion or do I walk away into the calm until the next storm finds me. Just tell me what your thinking, tell me what you feel. Let me inside the darkest parts of your brain and just let me explore you.
#confusion  #sad  #beautiful  #helpmeunderstand 
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