You left when you were needed the most.

You were gone in the darkest days.

You were not there when you left.

You hurt those who cared about you the most.

You left us all to wonder what went wrong.

You were everything to many people.

You will never see your sisters and brothers graduate high school.

You won't see me get married.

The drunk driver that took both of your lives on that road in Virginia I have a message for you.

I hope that you get taken out the same way you took out those boys on that road on a late June night.

I hope you get whatever karma that is coming your way.

I hope you hurt the same way you made so many people hurt.

I don't wish you the best things in life in fact I hope you get nothing in life that is good.

Death is something some people may fear. Some people see death as the end. But I embrace death. Death isn't something to fear. It isn't the end, oh no on the contrary death is just another stage in life. Death is just a portal to be born again as something or someone else. While it is sad, it is just another part of life.

Hey mom sorry I am such a shit kid

sorry that I always seem to fuck up no matter what I do

Hey brothers sorry that you got me as a sister

sorry that I am not the perfect sister that I heard y'all talking about one day

Hey dad sorry that I wasn't good enough to make you stay

sorry that you felt the need to go make a new life far away from you shit daughter

Hey Kai sorry that it is me you are with

sorry that I am nothing special but thank for choosing me

Hey Spencer sorry if I constantly fuck up with you

sorry if I pry into things I should and try to help

Hey Tyanna sorry that I have fucked up with you not once but twice

sorry that I take other peoples side when I shouldn't

Hey Bradan sorry that I hurt you

sorry just sorry about everything I have done to you

Hey Reader sorry that this is so damn sad

sorry that this might make you cry

Time and time again I ask myself the question, "What in the hell did I do?" It is usually a cut and dry answer. Not this time. I don't know what I did. One moment I was partying with a couple friends having the time of my life. The next moment I have a bloody knife in my hands and I am covered with someone's blood. As I survey the scene, I notice I am in a dark creepy alleyway. But the most horrifying part of the scene is the body laying about 3 feet from me. It is the body of my best friend. Then I repeat to myself over and over again, "WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?" And this time I can give no answer, because I don't know.

When I close my eyes I see my parents still happily together.

When I close my eyes all us kids are still alive.

When I close my eyes I am eight again the year before my life changed forever.

When I close my eyes I am still happy.

When I close my eyes nothing is like it is now.

When I close my eyes is a fantasy phrase for a world I will never be able to get back again.

When I close my eyes isn't a world that is real.

I wasn't always mad at the world. I didn't always have no self worth. I wasn't always the loose canon. I was once a happy child without any cares in the world. But that came to a crushing end few months before my 10th birthday. My mom was living in a different city at the time. So my older sister and I didn't see her all too much. Then one day I was happily doing my math homework (when I was younger I loved to do math homework. Still do kind of.) I was sitting at the dining room table trying to do my work, I do not remember the type of math, when my dad called my sister and me to the living room. When walking into the living room, we saw our mom sitting on the couch with a grim look on her face. At first Chelsea and I, were happy to see our mom since it had been some weeks since she came to Cedar Woods. But as soon as we noticed the grim look on her face our moods plummeted back down. "Kids we need to talk take a seat," my father said with strain in his voice, "please take a seat next to your mother." Then my mother spoke up with a gentle yet harsh tone to her voice, "Chelsea, Keegan," She looked at each of us as she said our name. "Your father and I, well you see, we are getting a divorce." The news over took me like a tidal wave. One minute I was sitting next to mom and Chelsea on the couch, then the next minute I am running out of the house to go to my secret place with shouts of my father, mother, and sister trying to get me to stop running and come back home. After a few hours I finally have collected my thoughts and made my way back home to the terrible news. When I walked back into the house I was met with the worry of my parents. "Son please we need to finish talking about this," my mother told me with a quiver in her voice. "What is there to talk about? My parents are getting a divorce and I cannot do anything about it. End of the story, there is no need to continue this discussion any longer." I told my parents in a stern yet semi hateful tone. "Boy don't you ever talk to your mother or me like that ever again do you hear? We brought you into this world and we can sure as hell take you out of this world!" My father roared in anger. "I don't care anymore. You spring that bullshit news onto us and expect Chelsea and me to be happy about it? Well that is some bullshit. There is nothing you can do to explain that will help me understand, so why try? No point in wasting your breath talking about something that I will never understand." Before they could say another word I went to my room grabbed a spare backpack and packed some clothes in it. Then went and grabbed my school backpack and the math homework off the table where I left it and walked out the door. Again there were shouts from my parents. Again I had ignored them and just walked on and on not really knowing where I was going. Then I had came onto a familiar doorstep. It was the doorstep of my Aunt and Uncle. I had walked for 2 hours. I did a soft rhythmic knock on the door. It was a knock my Aunt knew all too well because I had used it for years to signal to her that something was wrong, and that is was her nephew. "KEEGAN WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING HERE?" My aunt shouted in horror upon seeing me without mom or dad. She then noticed I was crying. She wrapped me into a warm embrace. "Keegan did you walk here on your own?" She asked in a soft and gentle voice. I couldn't speak so I just nodded. "Oh sweet boy. Did something bad happen at home?" Once again I nodded. She hurried me into the house because the neighbors were getting a little too nosy. " Keegan, you do realize we have to call your parents right? My uncle said in a soothing voice. Unable to speak, I just nodded my head again. My aunt and uncle left to get ahold of my parents. I pulled out my unfinished math homework to finish it. I overheard bits of the conversation because my parents were on speaker and no one was being quiet. "HOW DARE YOU LET MY PRECIOUS 9 YEAR OLD NEPHEW WALK 2 HOURS AT NIGHT!" I heard my aunt roar in a venom and bitter tone at my parents. The everything softened up from there. I finished my work in no time waiting for my aunt and uncle to get back with the verdict of what my parents had said. I waited for a good 30 minutes after finishing my work. They had come back into the room with my parents on the phone. "Okay, tell him." My aunt had said in a venomous tone. "Keegan, dear you are going to stay at your aunts and uncles place until tomorrow morning. Then you will go to school and I will be there to pick you up straight from school. You will deal with this like anyone else in this family. And once you get home your behind is mine." My mother said in a straight up pissed off tone. "Like hell it is! You tell him what you told us or I will play the recording for him that I took of the conversation." My aunt told her sister in a evil tone. You see my aunt and my mom had never had a good relationship with each other. "Fine you can stay with them until you are ready to come home." My mom said sourly. "I don't ever want to go back home I don't want everything to change!" I said with a quiver. "Well tough shit boy you are coming home in a weeks time tops or I will personally call you in missing!" My father roared. "Like hell you will! Naomi and I will be fighting for custody of Chelsea, Keegan, Lacy, Lucy, and Lilly. You are not fit parents. (this information will be vital in a couple chapters) "They are our kids, not yours!' My parents said in unison. "All we need to do is pick up Chelsea and get Lacy, Lilly and Lucy from work." My uncle muttered. My aunt hung up on my parents and left me under the care of Nathan, Korbin, James, and Sasha, and went to get my siblings from where they are at. I started crying again. Everything that I had known and love was coming to an abrupt end.

In my story I am no hero. I was not the good guy. You might be wondering why. Well here I will tell you. When I look back on it my true colors the colors I wear today all started eight years ago today. Eight years ago December 9th. The day my dad decided to lie to get out of my 10th birthday. The day my dad decided to spring the new on the family that he was divorcing my mom. After this time my mom became quiet toxic. But the moment that actually forced my true colors to fully show is the moment three years ago almost four. I was 14 at the time December 18th 2017. My brother who was also my best friend the one I could always turn to commited suicide at the age of 24. I had lost my rock. My light, it was gone because he died. The I pissed everyone off because I was pissed off. I figured that if I lost my happiness then everyone else had to lose theirs as well. I just wanted to move on but didn't know how I had not lost a sibling before. Then to make matters worse not even a year later I lost my little brother. Which he was the one I turned to after losing my older brother. My baby brother was killed in a car accident. I was so devestated. At that time when my baby brother passed I was still hung on my older brothers suicide. Then hearing that your baby brother had gotten into an accident and then dying a couple days later. That broke me into a million little pieces. I stayed in my room for a solid month. Didn't come out. My mom had to resort me to online homeschooling because I just trapped myself into my room and didn't want to go out. I sheltered myself from everyone so I couldn't lose another person I cared for. When I did eventually get put back into a public school. Everyone teased me for the metal break down I had. The teased me for the mental break downs I had in class. I didn't know really how to function as a person after not one but two of my brothers had died not even a year apart from each other. So I made all the wrong people pissed at me. But in my defense they were in the wrong for pushing me over the edge. Now you know my story why I don't think of myself as the hero of my story. Sorry it is such a sad story.

Ocracoke, North Carolina. You may have heard of this town before. It is known as The Ocean Town or The Creepy Town. One day two foolish boys were joking around on the outskirts of town. One of the boys said, "Let's take a walk through an ocean town." They ended up walking in Ocracoke. They were having fun goofing off in Ocracoke. But little did they know while they were goofing off they pissed off a very dangerous resident of the town. Since they had pissed off lots of residents the townspeople didn't care that Larry took the boys. Long story short the boys died at the hands of Larry and it eventually turned into a cold case because no one in the town would talk to the police about the disappearance of the boys.

Hi past self. It has been awhile. We go though alot. Fights with brothers, fights with parents, dad leaving, grandparents dying, brother dying, abuse, toxic relationships. In your years to come you will see it all. You will eventually hear the words you aren't good enough. Don't take those words to heart like I did. Don't lose your self value. Don't lose your slef worth. Because one day you will find someone who will make you see you matter. While it will take some time to get back to a point where the self valuse and worth comes back. You will eventuall believe again. Take it from me well because I know what you have been though. The constant crying yourself to sleep at night. The constant nagging that you will never measure up. It is hard. It is real difficult but we make it and when we eventually do it feels damn good. Here is a warning, don't beat your self up too much.