Haze and Light
I am reminiscent of memories
so warm and lovely,
but maybe the memory is better
than the reality that touched me.
The thoughts start to get hazy,
Your face fades from my mind.
I feel the light returning,
because I am forgetting
to love you.
Live Your Dreams
Memories seared into my mind
Undistorted no matter the length of time
In the confines of my dream world
You visit and tell me to go forward
You say, Live your dreams outside of here
The only thing that stops you is fear
I wake, the morning breeze cools my skin
As I take a step toward my personal legend
The Tale of a Blind Date, a Utility Closet and a Burning Man
Laguna Beach, California is filled with a bunch of sober, horny, surfers.
When I was studying for my undergraduate degree, I acquired a lot of distractions. I had recently moved to Laguna Niguel and switched my major from Business to Psychology. I had become a bit of a hermit at the ripe old age of 21. My schedule consisted of, work, school, study, repeat. Eventually my friend, Bryant, from work told me I was too hot to stay in every night. He told me that his roommate would be perfect for me and we should go on a blind date. I told him no way and my best friend Nicole simultaneously elbowed me and told him yes.
Flash-forward to Friday night, Nicole and I walked into the set of a YouTube talk show and Bryant jogged over to us accompanied by our other work friend Jesse. I was surprised to see Jesse there, we had a very heated flirtation going at work for the last six months but he had an on again off again girlfriend, I considered him to be one of my best friends who was very very firmly in the friend zone. I asked what he was doing there and he informed me that he was moonlighting as the second cameraman.
“Are you ready to meet him?” Bryant asked.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I answered nervously.
Jesses grabbed my wrist gently and whispered in my ear “Just remember who stocks your desk drawer with peanut butter cups,” he winked and gave me that ridiculous half smile. Jesse’s brazen and relentless flirting had a magnetic effect on my body, he knew I was drawn to him, bastard.
I smiled and rolled my eyes at him, “I know I can count on you to not let me forget,” I stuck my tongue out at him and walked away with a little more swagger than normal. Little did I know that was just the invitation he needed to set in motion the events to come in the very near future.
The set was bustling with people wearing headsets, carrying clipboards and looking generally important. Off in the corner of the set were the turntables; a guy wearing a beanie was standing behind them with his back turned to us.
“Dylan, are you ready to meet your dream girl?” Bryant said. I blushed crimson.
Dylan turned around and my legs turned to jelly. Bright green eyes scanned by body and a huge grin broke out over his perfectly carved features. He was tall, tan, and just my type. Holy shitballs, I thought to myself. He came around to the front of the turntables; the headphones on his head casually covered one ear.
He took one of my hands in both of his and said, “Daphne, it’s a pleasure,” I had no doubt that it would be very pleasurable. I controlled the urge to shiver. We talked for a few minutes, during which Nicole and Bryant made themselves, scarce, and I learned that he was sober six years, nine years older than me, an avid surfer, and a Geologist who worked as a DJ in is spare time. And as they used to say in 2009, I was sprung. I’m surprised that I retained that much information with the sexual chemistry between us that nearly set my hair on fire. Filming was starting so I went to find my seat, Jesse caught my eye from where he sat behind the camera and winked at me. My cheeks flushed an even brighter shade of red than my hair.
Nicole linked arms with me and put a drink in my hand. I raised my eyebrows at the strong scent of vodka.
“It’s Vodka Redbull. You’re gonna need it with those two ready to devour you at any moment,” her head motioning toward the two gentlemen in question.
“Thank you,” I said then I gulped the entire thing down.
“Al-righty then,” Nicole laughed, “lets get you another.”
Filming was underway and I was deliciously buzzed. Between takes, I flirted with Dylan and even kissed him on the cheek at one point. The drinks were running right through me, and my pesky bladder made me head to the restroom to pee every 15 minutes. During the break I made my way to the little girl’s room.
I walked down the long dimly lit, hallway to the restroom. Jesse was leaning against the door of the utility closet adjacent to the restroom; his gaze was intense and determined. I was caught off guard by the reaction my body had to seeing him standing there, my stomach did a little flip and I felt very warm. It’s probably the booze, I tried to tell myself.
“Hey, fancy meeting you here,” I said rather drunkly, as I walked past him toward the restroom. He gently grabbed my wrist again and pulled me against his hard body. Surfing did wonders for the physique, I thought. He pulled me in close to him, slid his hand up my back, and cupped my face, his blue eyes blazing.
He whispered into my ear “Tell me you want me to stop.”
He kissed me with urgency, I melted into him and something took over my body. I pulled his head towards me, my fingers running through his shaggy blonde hair. He reached behind him and opened the door of the utility closet. Our bodies moved as one as we swirled into the closet. I walked backwards a few steps as Jesse quickly locked the door. He turned to me and stood as close to me as he could without touching me. My heart was pounding in my ears.
“Tell me you want me to stop,” he said, daring me to deny the desire welling up inside me.
“What about her,” I whispered.
“You’re all that exists to me,” he whispered back and I was in his arms again. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around him. He knocked some rolls of toilet paper off the shelf behind me and sat me atop it.
“Tell me you want me to stop,” he panted in my ear.
I lifted his shirt over his head, I took a moment to gaze at him, and I ran my hands over his chest. Every muscle was defined to perfection, he gasped when his nipples perked up to my touch. His warm hand was at the base of my back and he pulled me into him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, “Jesse, I don’t want you stop, not even if I scream.” He kissed me hard, no doubt my lips would be swollen in moments. I wrapped my legs around him tighter.
With our intentions clear, his hand slid up my leg and under my dress. Six months of foreplay, growing sexual tension and the forbidden element was the recipe for the most explosive sex of my existence. I held him for a moment as he rested inside me. My attention was turned to Jesse’s phone on the floor that lit up from where it must have fallen in the carelessness of our urgency. The text was from her, and simply said, hey baby, just got home, see you soon.
I pushed him off me, “You fucking LIVE with her!” I shrieked.
“Daphne, please I can explain. I don’t love her,” he pleaded.
“Oh and let me guess, you love me? Right?” I was starting to tear up, goddamn him.
“Yes I do, yes more than anything,” I knew he wasn’t lying. He wrapped me in his arms again and tried to kiss me.
I hit his chest with a fist, “Fuck you,” I sobbed, “Fuck you for making me love you back.”
He kissed the tears on my cheek. His phone lit up again, displaying the same message.
I pushed him off me. “Why, why did you do this? Why now!” I demanded.
“I couldn’t let him touch you first,” He started to unbutton his pants again as he came close to me, “You’re mine, I want my touch to haunt you in your dreams. I want your mind to be tainted with the remnants of me inside you. When he touches you, the wake of my touch will echo so loudly, you’ll never forget that I had you first.”
He pulled me into him and kissed me deeply, my nails dug into his back. “You fucking bastard,” I said between kisses and tear streaming down my face.
“Daphne, tell me you want me to stop,” he whispered breathlessly into my ear. I couldn’t tell him that, it would have been a lie. On this side of the door, he was mine, and I was his. For this moment no matter how brief, we consumed each other completely. He took me again, quickly and fervently. His face was buried in my neck; I could feel his tears trickling down between my breasts.
“Don’t hate me,” he whispered.
“That’s exactly why I hate you,” I said gently pushing him off me, “because you make it fucking impossible to do so.”
He gave me a teary half smile. Why was he so fucking irresistible? It was positively unnerving. I had to look away and quick.
I hastily made myself presentable, adjusted my dress and slid my shoes on. Jesse pulled his shirt on and put his blasted phone back in his pocket. I reached for the door handle and he put his arms around my waist from behind, he rested his chin on the top of my head. I could feel the remaining firmness in his pants.
“I will haunt you, because I know you want me to,” he breathed into my hair. I shivered.
I opened the door without looking at him.
“If you’ll excuse me, I have date to get back to.” I walked down the hall, willing myself not to turn around and run back to him.
He had a girlfriend and I had a date. His words echoed in my mind, I will haunt you, because I know you want me to... Tell me you want me to stop. He was right, the fire blazing inside of me would not be easily quenched. Fucking burning man, I thought and I still had to pee.
To Be Mother
The heavens smiled when you took your first breath;
My heart seemed to swell to unproportionate depths.
What a thing it is to become, mother.
A sensation of love unlike any other;
To empty the womb, joy brims over heart's breadth.
Tiny hugs and giant dreams
Children see past impossibilities
It's all new
It's all true
Mommy loves you little darlings
I saw him from across the room
Our fate was knit on lover's loom
A stolen kiss
Bred certain bliss
With breathless whispers passion grew
Look up at the sky
Someone must be helping me
Now I do believe
Truth sees it clearly
A most heavy load to bear
Let it go to thrive
Currency worth more than gold
Must be wisely spent
I met a handsome man.
He quickly took my hand.
We married in a hurry.
Home was in his eyes.
As it was in mine.