Oh the man was not dumb

But he found himself in a conundrum

He got himself lost on a walk

He should have used chalk

It would have marked his path

And then he would not suffer her wrath

All she asked for was cabbage

How could he not manage

Somehow he got turned around in the carousel

And then he fell down the well

He climbed up the rope

Looked up and said nope

He found himself in a race

He wasn’t sure he could keep up the pace

He wasn’t sure he could run it

And the sky was no longer lit

He had come face to face with a Dalmatian

Once the running stopped he hoped he could find the right constellation

He knows it would guide home

But then, he would have to face the angry gnome.

She just wanted cabbage.

One thing I have learned from reading is that even in the happiest stories are bad things happen and in the saddest stories you read there is always some happiness. This taught me that even in dark moements there will be light.

The story that impacted my life the most is A Child Called It by David Peltzer.He went through some of the most horrible things that I can imagine. It was heart wrenching and painful and impacted my life in multiple ways. The first was that I wanted to help children in some capacity. I want to be someone's gardian angel.I want to be the person that doesn't look away and will believe in them.

The second thing I realized was that my life wasn't and isn't that bad. I looke back and realize that it could be worse and has changed how I look at everything. Yes things happen to me and everyone, but what happens to me is not what makes me. What makes me is how I decide to respond. There is always a way out. That is not to say that I don't occasionally experience self pitty but after I figure out a way out of it. I refuse to be defined by circumstances.I will over come and be more.David Peltzer suffered more than I can imagine, but did not let it define him. I followed his journey of recovery and redemption. He took back his name and became more. than his trauma. I know that if he overcame that trauma, that I can overcome anything that happens to me. When I tell my story I now tell it as a story of over coming and growth.I acknowledge that bad is part of my story, but the real story is what happened after the bad.

My mother was an 80’s lady. She enjoyed cocaine and several other drugs including the Missouri favorite Meth. She says she was never the type to sleep around but she did have a few weeks that she was really down and it was questionable. She was in a rough relationship that involved both verbal and physical abuse. One night it came to blows and apparently they were equally matched and she decked him at some point and walked out. Over the next two weeks she says she slept with two other guys in a drug and alcohol induced fog. She wakes up one morning sick as a dog. She was horrified that she had gotten a bad batch of coke so she went to the dr. The dr. did the weirdest thing.

He looked at her and with a straight very serious face he said, “Let me see your boobs.”

She was very confused and didn’t immediately comply.

“Why?” she stammered out.

“Well, if you are pregnant like I suspect I will be able to see a change in your nipples. Show me your boobs.”

She pulled out her very large breast and showed the dr. He said: “Yep, you’re pregnant. I will set up a test to confirm.”

She left the office in a panic. She did not know what to do. She called her mother who encouraged her to abort the baby. She was worried about two things. The first thing she was worried about was the effects the drug use would have on the baby. The second thing she was worried about was that she was about to raise another child. (this went on throughout the pregnancy until it was too late). My mother was determined to prove her wrong but she was worried what would happen next. She had gotten back with her ex at this point and he was incapable of having children because of an accident that had damaged his testicles. He knew it wasn’t his, but he loved the baby(me) more than anything. He reigned in his temper and put up with her temper and other issues without laying a hand on her and she kept her hands to herself too. Throughout the pregnancy she attempted to stop smoking pot but said she was smoking ten times the amount of cigarettes. She decided it would be better to just continue with her pot smoking because it reduced the overall amount of smoking she was doing. Pot was all natural afterall. Finally the due date came, And then it went. Then time kept going. Almost a month had passed since the due date. Friends and family kept stopping by hoping to see the baby. They were amazed to see that a month after the due date she was still pregnant. It made her feel very self conscious. Mom, her friends, and Grandma all worried if it was because of the drugs and wondered if the baby was okay. No one ever verbalized this horrifying thought. The only person who seemed to actually grasp this unspoken fear was the dr. He never came out and said it but he made sure that my mother was not stressed or in fear about the health of her baby. He saw no point in causing access stress. “I want to make sure that you are aware that if I was worried about the baby or thought there might have been a problem I would have suggested you end the pregnancy” The dr assured her the baby would come when it was ready and that it was not a sign that anything was wrong. Two weeks later she goes to a turkey shoot a couple days after her last checkup where she was told she still had made no changes. While there her water breaks. It was a slow trickle and at first she thought she had just peed herself. She was 5 weeks past her due date and the thought never occurred to her that it could be her water breaking. About thirty minutes later the first contraction hits. After about an hour of the contractions becoming more frequent she decided to head to the hospital. She was greeted by nurses and family waiting for her.

After hours of intense labor and a pregnancy that lasted 5 weeks longer than it should have it was determined that she was unable to dilate. She was given a ton of morphine and put under general anesthesia. While she was out she birthed a 7 lb 8 oz baby girl with a full head of dark hair. The baby had an off color to her skin and the mother thought that she had jaundice. The dr.s assured her that the baby was safe to hold and did not need to be in the light. The baby instead had an infection from being in the womb for so long. She would need to stay in the hospital for a week to receive treatment. This was perfect as the emergency c-section had been a cut from the sternum to the pelvic bone (only usually done in emergencies as opposed to the horizontal much smaller incision they normally use) so she had to stay for a week as well to recover. When they brought out the baby for family and friends to see everyone was relieved to see a beautiful healthy baby girl. She had bright blue eyes and a tuft of thick dark hair. Her face was round and she was already alert. The date was tuesday October 20th, 1989.

Three days later there was no name for the baby. They were pressuring her to figure out a name so they could submit the birth certificate. She had placed her boyfriend’s name on the birth certificate even though they knew he had no possibility of being her father, he wanted it more than anything. Her first thought of a name was Juanita Valetta. I can honestly say I am so glad that the name didn’t stick and I thank the lord every time I think about what my name could have been for whoever it was that changed her mind. So the nurse comes in on the fourth day and says:”Okay, I am here until we come up with a name.”

“I don’t know. She’s pretty what is her name?” pointing at the tv, A soap Opera was on the screen. Back in those days the hospital didn’t pay for cable. You watched the local channels or nothing at all.

“You want to name your daughter after a Soap Opera? But not just any Soap Oprah you want it to be the Young and the Restless? Are you sure?”

“Yep. She’s pretty.”

“Give me a minute and let me go get the charge nurse. She watches this everyday on her lunch. I am sure she would know the name.” A few minutes later the nurse returns with a smile on her face. “Her name is Lauralee Bell.”

“I like it. That’s her name.” my mom said with a matter of fact slur.

“So you want to name her Lauralee Bell ?”

“No that would be stupid. I want to name her….after me, and my aunt. And my great aunt, and my great great grandma and my-”

“Okay. I got it. What is the name?”

“Lauralee Bell Rider. That’s it.”

The nurse smiles and says “That is a beautiful name. Congratulations.”

She walks out after filing out the paperwork and has a slight smile on his face. My mother would later tell me that I can’t blame her because she was on morphine. I am not sure whether that is reasonable or not but I think my name is pretty cool. I also think the name is fun. The next important life moment is something my mom won’t go into much detail on but she says that one day after months of peace in the house while she was breast feeding me he hit her. She said to me “I had you in one arm with my boob hanging out and he hit me. Now I may have said a few things I shouldn’t have but he shouldn’t have hit me. It was the straw when he hit me with you in my arms. I stood up turned around and set you down. I then reared back and let him have it. After I decked him I picked you up and walked out. I haven’t looked back since.

One day I will find my heart again.

The lonely road you never should have took

I wish you would have let me pull you back

Your stupid contagious grin

Our time beside the babbling brook

I take it all back

You can't hurt me anymore

You should have let me help you

I knew better than to trust your smile

The fangs that glimmerd with gore

Why did you hurt me too

I can feel it rise and burn, the churning bile

It rises when I think you just couldn't fight anymore

Your gnashing fangs caught on me

They rippid a pieces away

You didn't even fight you couldn't even try

You thought we would be free

But I am not whole since, that day

I try to laugh and cry

But you took that with you

When you decided to die

You took my hope laughter and love

You took my heart when you decided to die

You never even knew that you were my heart when you decided to die.

You thought you were making things better

I know you thought you were broken

You thought you couldn't be fixed

You didn't even leave a letter

You didn't leave anything but that cigerette still smoken'

My feelings are so mixed

I love you no matter where you go or what you do

But you took that peice of me with you

The day you decided to die

Mathew 7:1-2 Judge not others for unto the point you judge them you shall also be judged.

This is my favorite verse because it is where most christians fail. They assume someone is going to go to hell for tatoos, cussing, premarital sex, homosexual realtions...the list goes on and on, but when someone makes that judgement towards someone else that is how God will judge. This just speaks out to the hipocracy of the church. If everyone left the judging up to God on who goes to hell or who is not right with the lord then there would be no more religious wars. Think about that. Many wars have been fought because christians wanted to spread the word and save other people's souls assuming that they were not going to Heven. God does say share my word and show the world my love, but not one time was Jesus ever cruel to the beggers or the prostitutes. He loved them and never condemned them. He said change your ways and follow me. He said I love you for who you are. Let he who has never sinned cast the first stone. All of this relates back to making judgments of others. I hope this helps everyone think a little harder before they judge someone or condemn them. I will admit it is a tough habbit to overcome as it is bread into most of us christians, but remember that God says he will judge you in the same way you do others.