Stoned In Public

They said I can't wash my dick out in public

But I decided to say ‘Oh well, fuck it’

Knew I was stoned off my ass

From smoking too much grass

When I asked the cop ‘Would you like a hit?’

Hairy Mary and Her Son Larry

Mary had one hairy puss

But the doctors still told her to push

They all could have sworn

When Larry was born

He'd never make it outta that bush

Dropping Balls

He acts like a big fucking pussy

With a cunt full of hair that is bushy

One day he'll grow balls

As big as Ru Paul's

Guess at least they won't sag prematurely

Take the walls I painted

The ones I've spent countless times

Scrubbing crayon marks off of

The ones I've rearranged

More times than I can count

-New pictures of a family lost

-Dusty drawings from the kids

The kids I raised inside these walls

Take the rocking chair

The one I used to breastfeed

Our son

The one him and I

Would play peek-a-boo behind

Take the gardens

Where I placed gramma's

Most loved ceramics

Take that horse

- (Donkey)

I use to sit on when I was little

The one I've smiled at

Every time I'd catch one of our kids on

Take the kitchen table

Soaked in tears and frustration

Induced by 4th grade math

And my lack of math skills

Take my home

Take my dogs

Take that cat that's cuddled me

More times than your arms ever have

Take the bed

The place where sweet nothings

Live, breed, and fester

Where two pillows lie

-One drenched in tears

-The other rests your head

Take my hopes

Take my dreams

Take it all

But in the meantime-

I'll be the one

Who's keeping me

Over eight months ago

I finally found fate

When I met this woman

Not a second too late

Someone in which

I can truly relate

And one that I most

Appreciate

My rock that I know

Won't fluctuate

She's always been there

To motivate

With her words and poems

That fascinate

And advice that helps

To navigate

When my life has left

Me desolate

For her -

I would not hesitate

To strangulate

Or assassinate

I mean it people,

She's really that great!

Now before you start

To speculate

-Ruminate and

Fabricate

Let me be the first

Setting things straight

Our bond won't ever

Dissipate

-Or depreciate

I assure you

I don't exaggerate

When I say she is my

Non-lesbian soulmate

(Pssst...that means we

Do NOT copulate)

**Happy Birthday Sammie! Love you sweetie! Xoxo

You finally did it

That veil you threw over my eyes

The one that blinded me

Kept me from seeing the real you

You finally tore it off

At first my eyes couldn't adjust

My heart-

My brain-

Battling for comprehension

Of what my eyes strained to see

Every aspect of your façade

Began to slowly fall away

Piece by piece it fell

As my eyes adjusted better

My brain

Won so many battles

That my heart hushed to a whisper

Finally silenced with

The last piece to fall away

That exposed you

The real you

The you you fail to see

Unobscured from my eyes

I have finally seen the light

Blind but now I see

Do me a favor?

Stay gone awhile longer

Don’t rush right back

There’s more sights to see

So don't start to pack

Just a few more days?

Can you spare me that?

For I know when you return

So will that ache in my chest

How long will I wait?

For a chance just to chat?

A couple days? Weeks?

I can't handle that!

Back to your life –

Where I don't belong

Ignore how that feels?

I'm just not that strong

Please stay a bit longer?

Won't you let me pretend?

Since she's not there with you

It's my life that you're in?

Soon to be but a ghost

I accept I won't win

A heart –undisclosed

But with you I can't seem to

Grasp self control

So one last time I will ask

Won't you please stay away?

Doesn't have to be long

A few more smiles from your texts

It'd be worth just one more day

Today would be hard

Knew it right from the start

I hadn't seen you

Since it all fell apart

Instead of primping my hair

I was prepping my heart

"Remember the pain

The hurt when he left

How falling for him

Left you feeling bereft

He ran with your heart

And got away with his theft"

Ready to face you

It was time to convene

What happened next

I could've never foreseen

Stepping out of the truck

You were dressed all in green

The strength I had built

It just couldn't stay

With the sight of you there

Taking my breath away

Who knew that a color

Could ruin this day

The hue of your sweater

Made your eyes shine

Brought back all the times

They would stare into mine

The feelings that stirred

No words could define

With matching hat on

You looked like a dream

Stealing my strength

I knew I'd never redeem

All I wanted to say was

Why'd you have to wear green?

Chaos thunders through my mind

Creeping, wispy storm clouds

Form cobwebs over my rational thinking

Reason becomes but a fly

Trapped in cotton-soft death

Awaiting the panic and fear to devour it

-With reason consumed

Anxiety and chaos reign supreme

Chaos drenches my soul

Torrential, relentless downpours

Flood my entire being with unease

Rest becomes but dry land

Never to be more than clay filled mire

-Waiting, quiet quicksand

To swallow my heart

And drown me in despair

Chaos -My other half

Rocking with her newborn boy

Overwhelmed with so much joy

Stroking through his thick black hair

That night-

Tears fell down the rocking chair

Bouncing to quell his piercing cry

His fever climbing way too high

Drowning in her own despair

That night-

Tears fell down the rocking chair

Walking and talking –on the go

She asks for kisses, but he says no

Tired-eyed, he crawls up with his bear

That night-

Tears fell down the rocking chair

Too big to rock –a chair to put away

She rocked herself once more that day

Reminiscing -moments to share

That night-

Tears fell down the rocking chair

Out of storage –time to move on

A new journey for them to set upon

Trying to rock away, what she couldn't repair

That night-

Tears fell down the rocking chair

It was Friday night and I had turned way too much water into wine. Inebriated and bored out of my mind, I had decided it was time for me to pick up a new hobby. My current hobby was becoming too redundant and mundane –walking on water lost its excitement with no one there to witness it.

That's it! I knew right then what my new hobby would be. I could create a group of followers to astonish with my water-walking skills!

Walking to the nearest moistened soil, I was giddy. I couldn't wait to create the first people to become my followers. Scooping up the soil, damp from stagnant water leaching from the nearby cesspool (don't ask, I was high when I created dry land and water, and I hadn't gotten around to fixing that little error yet) I began to mold the foul-smelling muck into a man-shaped form. I'll admit it was a sloppy job, but considering my wine-induced double vision is the reason Adam had two feet to stand on, I think we can look past the sloppiness.

I decided on the name Adam, which most of you already know, but what most don't know is, his last name is Miracle. A-Dam-Miracle. Haha!

Man I was drunk.

Anyways, I realized if I made a woman to pair with Adam, they could procreate my followers for me, and I could begin a new hobby –sword swallowing always intrigued me.

Ripping out a rib from Adam seemed an appropriate way to create his counterpart. I’m not sure why, but I'm pretty sure I was thinking about the barbecue ribs I had for supper the night before.

Eh, either way, Eve never asked me why I chose his rib, so thank fuck for that!

Eve is actually just a nickname I gave her. Her real names Even. Even Steven. Wine brings out a sick sense of humor –don’t judge me.

When I had realized that Adam and Eve were not procreating my followers for me, I attempted to “set the mood” by creating the moon and the stars to pepper the heavens in romantic lighting. But to accomplish this, I had to make the sun go away for part of the day, so the moon and stars could shine brighter. Aha! Dark and light!

The first night that the moon and stars came out, procreation began and it wasn't long before I had myself quite the audience. Everyone bowed to my water-walking skills, and I couldn't be happier than when I'd hear the “oohs” and “ahhs” of the crowd.

Before long, I became bored again, and quite frankly, Adam was getting on my nerves. Eve too. Adam couldn't stop begging to eat the stupid fruit I marked as inedible (Should've stuck to wine that night, whiskey makes me a bit of a control freak) and Eve apparently wanted to procreate with me, which I wanted no part of. I mean, wasn't that the purpose of creating them both? So I wouldn't have to put in the work?

Fretting over the current frustrations of my creations, I decided I would create something to eliminate them from the beautiful Earth I had made.

I'd need to lubricate my thinking wheels with some rum and Coke before stumbling upon a solution.

Yes! That's it! Flying animals to swoop down and carry these ignorant assholes away! So I took a long, hard swig of rum, straight from the bottle, and spat it into the air. Before my very eyes, an eagle had formed; such a big, strong looking creature. I instructed it to find the people, grip them with its talons, and carry them off as far away from me as possible.

The eagle flew the opposite direction, so I continued spitting rum in the air, making an entire fleet of all different species of winged animals. None of them heeded my instructions.

Pissed off and hungover the following morning, I was burning with the need for revenge. The winged creatures failed me terribly. I had to eradicate them, too.

I know! I'll make land animals, big ass wild cats, alligators, grizzly bears; oh the plethora of predators I had planned!

I had made two of everything and just finished the last pair of elephants, when one of the grizzly bears released a ferocious attack on me, nearly mauling me to death. Frankly, I'll admit it ok, that bear kicked my ass! I needed a vacation, but what I ended up with was one day of rest.

One. Fucking. Day?

Eh, it's all good I suppose. I created the food chain to get even with every species of the animal kingdom; my Friday night hobby is tuning into shows like “When Nature Attacks” and “Predators of the Wild” –unless it involves bears.

I don't need to get even with the people, they do enough damage to each other without me lifting a finger.

Hahaha! Ignorant shitheads.

Pinned down

Fear emanating

Scared

So scared

Hands wrapped around my throat

I'm going to die

Eyes roll back

The world goes black

Did you see?

Life slowly draining from me

Bright light again

Angry eyes

Scared

So scared

*BOOM

Fist to lip

Did it really happen?

No pain

Why no pain?

Choking

Why am I choking?

Tastes so different

Spit

Crimson fountain

Numb

Everything's numb

Arms about to break

Can't take his weight

Can't breathe

No pain

Weight lifted

Back to reality

Survival

He's disoriented

Glance -phone -keys

Run!

Footsteps close behind

No time

Front door

Too far

Bathroom! -lock

Hinges move

Wood splinters and breaks

Matter of time

God help me

I'm going to die here

In a goddamn bathroom!

Heather -God -someone

He's in

Rage

Clutching me

Feet no longer on the floor

Fear

*BOOM

Body crumples

*BOOM

Crumpled again

Broken

Then....

*BOOM *BOOM *BOOM!

Pray for salvation

Life flashes

Mom -dad -gramma

Say my goodbyes

Wait

What's this?

He's disoriented again

Survival

Car -escape

Engine starts

Where do I go?

Phone rings

Shadow of a shotgun

Accept my fate

I stand alone

Peace

Such peace

NO BOOM

Left standing

Alive

Soulless

Dead inside

Alive?