It is in this exact moment, when I am shrouded with so much emotion that it swallows me whole that I know I am not normal. I put a smile on my face and I laugh at every joke told but there is something inside of me trying to dig its way out. In every conversation, moment or thought of you I want to scream so loud that the earth trembles. So that the clouds pour heavy onto your very home, the home that is dripping in another time of beauty; but flooded with the raw raging anger that seeps out of each and every one of your pores. I am afraid; I tell myself in the moments that I feel my soul breaking, my heart giving in; my mind unable to comprehend the very moment I am standing in that I will some how, some day fix all of this. It never shows, there is no moment of silence just screams and agony. Tears spilling on every inch of my clothing, a body aching so bad that it doesn't know how to . A life so bare I don't know how to cope. And a sea of people that don't notice, I am not brave, nor enough to change my circumstances and for once I just want to cave in. Let the tide rip me away further from shore and let my body sink to the deepest depths of your ocean. The only one I have ever known, the one thing I have always had to continuously fight to survive. You look at me with those eyes and for once I am not convinced that you are sorry, I am not satisfied with your touch of sorrows; your cries for another tomorrow. Instead I find myself in a moment of our past reliving your smile and laugh. I wonder where that went, how it left you so silently in the night. How the burning embers in your eyes faded to dust and your heart became so cold that even I couldn't fight to stay warm. Where did it all go?

I guess my question is are you happy? In a world filled with greed and hidden dreams, has anyone ever just asked you "Are you happy?". Well, are you? If you could wake up tomorrow is there something that you would change? Would you hug your partner a little tighter.. or maybe pack up your car and never look back? What would you do to achieve happiness. You see being happy is always portrayed as simple when really it isn't, it is extremely hard to just remain happy. I am not talking about the drunk moments with your friends where you are laughing so hard you are on the brink of tears, are the time you get your first dog and want to cuddle it so hard that is becomes a part of you. I am talking about the calm feeling of pure happiness on a daily basis, are you content with your life and if not; how come? and how are you going to change it?

Comment below and answer this simple question.. If you could change anything tomorrow what would it be? and would it be the key to your everlasting happiness?

The last time you saw her, she was beautiful. Brown hair as long as eye could see and blue eyes that could put a summer sky to shame. She was innocent and sweet, and soon that was all ripped away from her. Life never made anything easy and it never gave any one a break, but some how it tormented Elizabeth. Tragedy seemed to follow her every where and soon her beautiful soul turned to a raging black. That is what happens when you watch someone you love die, July 3rd 1998. That was the day everything changed, she was walking home on a hot summer day. The cement was so hot that the water from the neighbor hood sprinklers evaporated before it even hit the sidewalk. I lived right next door to Elizabeth and normally we would walk the same way home, but that day it was early dismissal from school so I decided to take the scenic route through the woods. I finally reached home around three o'clock in the afternoon, I was sitting in my room when I heard it. It was so loud you could of sworn you were in the same room that the gunshot came from. A moment of terror hit me when I heard the most mournful sound, you would of never guessed something so aching could come out of someone so beautiful but that day it did. It was the kind of scream that could of brought yourself to your knees. I ran outside to see what was going on, when I hit my front porch Elizabeth was kneeling on the grass covered in blood. I ran to her and all I could her was her mumbling that she was sorry, I never believed in god but that day I prayed. I prayed for someone, something to bring her peace. On July 3rd 1998 Elizabeth's best friend and brother shot himself in his room. She later told me that she had spent an hour trying to talk him down, but he never dropped the gun from his head once. He suffered from depression, everyone knew that but no one knew just how bad it had gotten. In a world so dark, Elizabeth had been his only light and she never forgave herself for not being able to save him. I was four-teen when that happened, I am now twenty and not a day goes by that I do not think about her. I call home sometimes, my mom told me that she got hooked on drugs about a year ago. Today is the First day that I have been home in two years, and today is July 3rd 2004 and I am attending Elizabeth McCormack's funeral. She was a beloved friend and a beloved daughter and three days ago she died from the same fate her brother Jonathon did. She died from hopelessness.

The world seems to have a way to always bring up the past, it is like no matter what you do you can never escape it. As I sit here alone and the flood of guilt coats me like wet paint, I look in the mirror unable to recognize myself. In my head thoughts scream at me like a raging war, mistakes cover every corner of my mind and suddenly I am numb. It is me and my thoughts once again, I lay down pretending to be some where warm. I am in a place where I don't know a single soul, and no one can even comprehend me. As I walk through my life I wonder would it would be like to be someone other than me. Could I be happy? Would I be living my dreams? or would I still be shrouded with disgusting memories living in a place of self hate. I don't know but what if I could... What if I could morph into someone else just for a moment, Would you do it? If you could change everything would you sacrifice the life you live, or would you stay stagnant out of fear? Life is never easy, they never tell you how hard it truly is. No one has the answer, and I think that is the most terrifying reality of it all. I find myself so stuck sometimes I can not even see the way out, when you have made mistakes and hurt the people you love; where do you turn? If anyone were to have the answer I would sacrifice it all just to hear it. I am a walking time bomb, full of hurt and rage and yet no right to feel that way. That is the shitty thing about life, when someone tells you that you have hurt them.. you have no right to say that you didn't. And yes maybe you never meant to, but did you really mean not to?

I lay awake on a warm summer night, the sun has set but the heat still emanates off of the pavement that leads towards our house. The humidity seeps in through the windows and my skin is sticky to the touch. I look over to see that you are sleeping and for a second I breathe in the moment of silence, we were once alive and so in love and now lay two people separated by different worlds it seems. We no longer speak the same language or feel the same things, we are separated by hate and despair but neither of us will admit it. So we sit and wait for someone to say something, we wait one another out because deep down inside we both hope for one last "I love you" but it never comes.. A whirl wind of emotions hang in the air we once called our safe place, and for a moment his body moves closer to mine in the dead of the night; he is awakened by my dewy touch and suddenly has shifted further away from me than before. As if the touch of my skin on his, burns like the rain hitting the ground on a hot summer day. He is a walking contradiction of his own words and will, but his love for me sometimes shows. I long to relive the memories we once shared, how we sat in the sun; legs dangling over the edge of the dock just close enough for our toes to touch the water. That day a million different colors danced in his eyes as he looked at me with hope, a look until that day I had not seen since we were kids. He is handsome in a way that captures the moon and the sun in one living body, his hair is a million strands of chocolate brown curls that sweep like the tides in the ocean and his eyes are the deepest honey brown I have ever seen; and if the sun hits them right they have enough beauty to melt my soul. That was than and this is now.