And I Wanted It.

How Much I Wanted It

Was Of An Intensity

That Roused Fear

Even In The Most Unshakable

Parts Of Me

And How It Shook Me

Took Everything I Felt

And Made Fools

Of All Those Emotions

I'd Dedicated A Life

Fighting. Loving. Pleasing.

To No Avail

And Now

I Didn't Know What I Wanted Anymore

& You Made Me Better

For Better, For Worse

Without Commitment

& Years Passed

In Love, In Happiness

Winged With Illusion

Feathered In Disillusion

& I Never Flew

& It Really Never Was Enough

&

I Realized Just How Unhappy I Was.

In This Moment

& All The Moments.

It Didn't Matter That I Smiled So Hard

& It Sometimes Hurt So Good.

It Hurt.

I Hurt.

& The Hurt Didn't Allow For Happiness.

It Lent Itself To Lonely And Empty.

& I Didn't Know How To Stop Hurting Anymore.

And I Woke Up Knowing I Lived Everything Wrong.

And I Waited For The Knowing To Subside.

And The Feelings Came.

And I Felt How Wrong I Was In This Moment.

And I Contemplated The Whys.

And Grasped At The Hows.

And There Was No Way Of Really Knowing.

And I Got Tired Of Waiting.

And Lived On.

And to think.

How many times did I stay

When I should've gone?

How many times did I limit

When I should've just been free?

How many times did I hold out my hands

Instead of holding myself?

It Was Always Red. My Color. The Color Of Love And Passion. It Was Deep, It Was Romantic. The Color Of Blood. Of Life. It Was Vibrant.With Time, It Began To Fade. To Lose Its Intensity. To Lose Its Potency In The Tempest Of His Grey. A Grey Like Steal, It Was Somehow Hot And Cold. A Grey So Clear And Yet So Murky. A Grey That Existed In Total Contradiction. It Consumed Me. And I Wasn't In Red Anymore.