they told me

sin

tastes sweet

for a moment

but as time

casts its long shadow

creating the past

it turns bitter

as it rots in your mouth

my mother said

the beauty won't last

but somehow

our sin

grows sweeter and sweeter

as i fall more in love with you

i no longer believe her

because

your soft skin against mine

feels more divine

than any worship service i've been too

than any prayer

any verse from the word

the book whose wise words sound absurd

now that i know you

but i get distracted by their words

because you

like to talk with the tv on

but i

can never understand you

through all of the noise

and i just

wish i could hear your voice

without all of the

overlapping words

that are thrown at me

from people

who can never understand

how much it hurts

to be told

your existence is a crime

they said

it wasn't

what god had planned

but i've found a love

that's so much better

than the one

presented to me

when i was three years old

they said

you'll go to hell

if you don't believe

well that doesn't sound

like love to me

i know

the bible says

you can't find joy

or hope or peace

or a million other things

without god's love

but when i'm with you

i feel more alive

than i ever have before

late last night

around ten o’clock

i was suddenly gripped

by an overwhelming feeling

an overwhelming wonder

at the beauty of life

it’s too hard to explain right now

i still don’t have the words

but i remember seeing it

in your espresso eyes

in the way you held me tight

and told me i was beautiful

how in that fragile moment

i felt right for the first time

i remember the way you smiled at me

while we cuddled on your bed

there was barely enough room for us

as your hand caressed my head

i remember you looked so serene

your hair falling on your face

i wondered what it was that made you

extend your sweet embrace

i remember waking up

in the middle of the night

seeing your eyes closed

your gentle face

right next to mine

my love letters

are merely relics of a past hope

no longer alive

my love letters

are mere kindling for the burning alter

where i must die again and again

my frame bleeding out for

the forgiveness of sins

my love letters

are no longer sweet

they sting with the bitterness of regret

and emptiness

my love letters

are now just a mistake

merely a confession of my sins

my crimes

my love letters

are just words

desperately written

when i forgot who i was

for one unholy moment

my love letters

must be forgotten

buried and hidden away

so i cannot be tempted

by the memory of her name

my love letters

are just letters now

scrawled out in a moment

of crazed indignity

just shadows

just dust

i'm not okay right now.

i try to be.

i pretend to be.

i'm only okay when i'm with her.

when i'm alone i feel like dying.

i should have tried harder to be normal

to not be gay.

i hate myself for being this way.

i hate myself for giving in to something i should change.

i might never be okay

again.

i love her but

i must

scrub off her scent

her touch

because no one can know

where my lips have been

no one can know where her fingers

have traced along my skin

i’m okay

when i woke up today i felt afraid

but now

things are looking up but

i’m still tired of hiding because

i want a love like this

where we tag-team

on everything

somehow

even with our differences

we’re in perfect harmony

and i’m okay

because i’m making friends and

more than friends

and even though

my mom doesn’t know

because i lied

she doesn’t know that i’m anything but

straight

i’ll be okay

i’ll be alright

i just want someone

to remind me

that life is not just today

that there is hope beyond this moment

and i am more than where i am right now

and that i will be alright

i will be okay

inspired by “it won’t be me” by tom rosenthal