From a writer's workshop last night. The syllabic form is 1, 2, 3, 4, 10

Why

Do I

Settle for

This madness when

I am worthy of so much more than this

It

May be

True that I

Hide behind my

Past mistakes and sabotage my future

But

I know

There are still

Some redeeming

Qualities that I pass into the world

And

The world

Allows me

To proceed with

Utmost caution, knowing I lack some strength

I

Lack the

Strength to care

At certain times

And cause little implosions in my world

I

Lack the

Strength to hold

Some core values

So that my light gets dimmed by my own hand

I

Lack the

Strength to stand

Against the man

Who snuffs out my life with joy in his eyes.

I was able to log back in to my account.

Now.

I just have to write something.

Then.

I can explore my ending.

Condone my death?

Where are you?

I've spewed forth

Horribly self-centered drivel

I've left words

To war

With ideas

In perpetuity

Can't you just

Relinquish

Control

And let that other person

Turn the volume down

So I won't be heard

So

I

Won't

Be

Heard

It hurts to be me

And people

Mistake my smile for happiness

Preclude

My pain

From my day to day

It hurts

to be without you

So much

It hurts

So much

I know there aren't words

To tell you

Because if there were

I would have found them

You know

How I love words

Baby do you know

How my love is the underlying melody

The quiet storm

That won't conform

You've met me

So you know

But

Do you know

How each step you take

Echoes in my heart

How the breath

Breaks and creates

The way we always did

The way

We always do

Did you know

I have died a thousand deaths

And still

I want to die again

To prove

The purity

Of my love

I would change

EVERYTHING

About who I am

To know you

One.

More.

Day.

Please Abacus...

Isn’t it

The cusp of change

You can feel it

Smell it, even

But can you speak on it

Until it happens?

I suppose I am

But most ignorantly

Because what do I know of this change

This one upon me like mitosis

Unseen, unfelt, but most important

I feel the change like truth

Like tears of anger

Like the denial of base emotions

Like jealousy

Or love,

When it shouldn’t be

I feel the change like rain

On a sunny day

Like a breeze in zero atmosphere

Which is creating a disjointed picture

I realize

But this disjointed mess

Maybe that’s the change?

Or no

Maybe that’s the past

My disjointed mess

I’m on the verge

Of leaving it behind

Will I have

Anything to write about

After?

It’s a beautiful night, really

Though not

A really beautiful night

My melancholy

Keeps me afloat

As my tears

Pouring internally

Threaten to drown me

You know how

A perfectly happy smile

Can break your heart

When you’re the one

Who used to elicit it

But no longer can?

Yeah.

It’s like that.

If I could rip

My heart from my chest

Suspend it in a jar

And fill the broken parts

With gold filigree

It could be quite beautiful

In a grotesque kintsugi

Kind of way

If I could rewind time

And spare us both

All the pain

Of our relationship

Would that be

What you would want?

I mean

You saved my life

But life without you

Hurts so much

The alternative

Seems fine

I’m so sorry Abacus

That I couldn’t be

A better mother

I started to write

My feelings

But

I'm drinking them

Instead

I'm going for

Clearing my head

Not sure

Though

How it will end up.

I know

I need you

You're the thread

Weaving through

All the stages

Of my life

I know

I love you

You're the only man

I regret

Letting go

I know

I see you

Now

You've been

So transparent

I know

I feel you

Even after

My body remembers

Even when

My brain

Tries to forget

What I don't know

Is

What do I do

With these feelings

Now

That you're back home