Rabbit Holes
I fell
Into the rabbit hole
Of you
I searched
Googled
Read
Cried a little,
Even
It brought me
To my past
Which brought me
To my one
Good
Knee
I'm thankful
I really am
For all the beauty
I've known
I can see
Looking back
Some of the beauty
I've shown
I've forgotten
How beautiful
I can be
When I thrive
Because
Mostly
I just try
To survive.
I have a magnum opus
In my future
It will not be televised
But
There will be a play
And I think
This particular rabbit hole
Has shown me
The way
Thank You
You are a light in my life
Shining brightest
When the darkness surrounds me
You are a deep breath
When I can scarcely
Remember to breathe
You are an exit sign
When I am fumbling around
Searching for a way out
You are a brilliant smile
When I’m trapped
By frowning faces
You are a beautiful future
When my painful past
Rears its ugly head
You are healing hands
On a heart
So full of shrapnel
You are shifting me
From my negativity bias
Allowing hope to grow
You are right
If you think this poem
Is about you
there’s this chapter
Of my story
Which just started
With felony charges
I'm terrified
It's going to end
With me down a child
The only thing
I can think to do
Is love him more
But
I can't
Even
Find him
My whole heart
My whole world
My raison d'etre
I can't find it
To hold him
And remind him
IT WILL BE OKAY
I don't know how to do this
But
I guess
That's been the story of my life
Now hasn't it
Dear Abacus,
I'm ready-made to be there for you through your hard times. Aside from possessing all of the unconditional love of being your mother, my life has hurt more than you can imagine at your age and experience. I know how to navigate the emptiness and the largeness of these heart-wrenching moments. I know how to not drown.
I know you are feeling alone because it's what I lived when I was your age, in this type of circumstance. I know a path that made the dark times darker, and I'm scared that's where you're headed (or are). I didn't know what it was like to have someone who could hear, who could understand, who even wanted to listen (without an ulterior motive). More than anything in the world, I wish you could know me right now. It's my whole job to be here for you. And I am.
I just wish you could see it.
I love you.
Mama