I am sorry. I should not have said that, should not have slapped you and ripped your notes apart. I am sorry. I wish I could be nicer to you and accept you. I wish I could forgive you for your mistakes and compliment you instead of insult you. I am sorry. It is not your fault, I wish I could tell you that more often. I am sorry.

I’m sorry for not treating you better,

For failing to see the beauty you held inside

I gripped such a pure heart,

Only to squeeze it in my rough hands,

Time and time again

If only I’d noticed how sweet you were,

How much you cared through it all

If only I’d said something,

Defended you from my so-called “friends”

More than anything, I wish

I’d been a better companion

Maybe if I had,

We’d be side by side,

Two girls against the world

I’m sorry, dear friend

To you my first love,

the one who I shared my secrets with.

To you,

my first love,

who made me believe that I was enough.

To you,

my first love,

who made me fall in love with the idea of love.

To you,

I raise my glass in honour of.

For many things would have happened

If I didn’t meet you.

But,

my dear first love,

It’s this truth I utter now;

Although your eyes felt like home

and hands were an extension of my own,

I say with most sincere regret,

I will not hold you.

Not anymore.

You see,

I need to look after my second love.

For,

you broke me and now I’m mending myself,

and

I swear that’s better

than not loving at all.

- I’m sorry, but now I don’t yearn for you

k.m

[@k.m on instagram]

I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. Sorry that those few minutes you managed to make for me were ruined by the accusing way I looked at you. I’m sorry that you felt the need to look away.

What I wanted most was to say I understand-- that I still love and respect you and that I could never hold any of this against you.

But when I gave you that coffee mug all those years ago, I didn’t buy it because it was the cheapest thing I could find-- I bought it because at the time I believed you were the greatest Dad in the entire world.

I didn’t think about the other fifty mugs on the shelf, each one bearing the exact same words.

But I’ve gotten pretty good at seeing things in context now-- I can see that you’re just another human, that you get stressed and lonely and thrilled and make split second choices without even knowing you’ve made them just like everyone else does.

You’d think that discovering the context of someone would make them more understandable and interesting-- but all it seems to do is make you look so small.

But that’s really all just a part of growing up, right? You find out what sex is, your parents gain new dimensions, and you realize that you won’t be a kid forever.

But the world’s been starting to reveal itself to me in ways id never considered-- with jokes about where prostitutes come from and comments about the excessive amount of melanin in absent fathers--

To be clear I know you’re more than this. You’re more than a statistic or a stereotype-- like I said, I’ve discovered your humanity.

So when someone mentions that everyone’s family seems to be broken these days, I remind myself that we’re different-- that you’re different-- that I know who you are at heart, cocaine be damned. I remember how good you are at chess, how your tone softens when I cry, how you cover up your social fumblings with jokes.

But it’s hard to remember any of these things when I haven’t seen you for a year. When I can’t send you a fathers’ day card because I’m worried you’ll take it the wrong way. When you couldn’t make it to my graduation even though you knew about it a month in advance.

It’s hard to remember you’re the same man who taught me how to eat crawfish and told ghost stories to my friends-- hard to believe you’re any different from the other deadbeat dads when the first word that comes to mind when I hear your name is absent.

So I can tell you how much I love you, how much I admire you and how much I want you to get better.

I can even tell you I forgive you.

But I can’t tell you I understand.

I am sorry

For the words I spoke

And the hurt I gave

I am sorry

I am sorry

For the impersonalization

And the unimportance

I am sorry

I am sorry

For not living up to you

And giving up on us

I am sorry

I am sorry

For not believing He would

And not praying about this

I am sorry

I am sorry

For all of my wrongs

And all of my imperfections

I am sorry

I know to apologize

But some things I will accept

I am not a monster; I am human

I have made many mistakes

I know to apologize

But some things I will not accept

I am not a monster, I am human

I have made many mistakes

And I think I've done okay

So I am not sorry for me

I’m sorry for holding your head down low,

I’m sorry for stripping your confidence.

I’m sorry for letting them say such things,

I’m sorry for believing it.

I’m sorry for being constantly stepped on,

I’m sorry for making you hurt.

I’m sorry for knocking yourself down,

I’m sorry for accepting it.

The beautiful lady who was always beside me was you ,

You are more fit than me still I would call you fat ,

I had never let you finish that choclate alone ,

You keep on asking me for suprises , but I would not suprise you ,

You know I never get freaked out by your tantrums ,

But , this time you did not wished me on my birthday and it hurted me like hell ,

Just push you ego aside and wake up and wish me I am waiting for you ,

I am sitting next to your graveyard calling your name , Can't you listen me ?

I am sorry , I did not picked your call on time , if I would have we would have reached hospital on time , and you would have not left me and made you way to the graveyard . Dii !! Come back , You know I can't handle this life alone without you .

I love you !!

Dear C,

I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am about everything. The way I ended our friendship, without explanation, that I just stopped answering your phone calls was plain wrong. You deserved so much better than that. I should have been honest with you. I knew that besides me, L was your best friend. The problem was always with L, never you. I just did not want to answer any questions about the situation and I panicked and avoided you instead of simply saying, “This is a problem between L and me. I’d prefer not to discuss it,” if you had asked me.

Then, in pushing you away, I did something even more unforgivable by passive aggressively writing those hurtful things about you. I was always a little frustrated by your depression and your parents’ enabling of it but I shouldn’t have discussed it in a place where it could get back to you and hurt you. Of course, L found out about it and it all blew up in my face spectacularly. And then L told your sister about it who was rightly outraged. I want you to know I took everything down, the books and the blog. You were nothing but loyal to me and I did not appreciate you like I should have. I know it’s too late to restore our friendship and L and S would never let that happen.

I did awkwardly try to offer an apology three years ago when I invited you to that milestone party. It wasn’t to get a check from you as L had accused. If you had decided to come, no gift in hand, I just would have been happy to see YOU. I see now that I went about it all wrong. I should have called you on the phone or taken you to lunch. I should have said how sorry I was for pushing you away but we shared so much together and I wanted you to be at my important celebration. We just had too much history for me to leave you out. I’m sorry if you took my invitation the wrong way.

I know it’s too late for us. You were a better friend to me than I deserved. I am so sorry about everything that happened and I wish I had handled things differently.

Many Regrets,

Me

Im sorry that i wasnt good enough,

That I pulled you apart, im sorry that I was such a mess.

Im sorry I wasnt what you wanted me to be

and im sorry that I was such a let down.

Im sorry that I wasnt the one you wished for at night,

However im sorry the most for me still loving you.

Im sorry i cant move on

im sorry for the pain I feel each time I hear your voice

and Im sorry that I know that this will be like this forever.

Im sorry that I wasnt the one for you, but you where the one for me.

Im sorry I always put you first and

im sorry I always got hurt.

Im sorry that you lost me and last of all,

Im sorry that I lost you.