A constant push and pull of how much I can withstand,

a challenge of how much pressure I can take until I explode,

the stress coiling around my heart tighter and tighter,

testing my willpower to resist.

The static that grows louder and louder in my head

with every obstacle that gets in my way,

the doubts seeping into the cracks in my foundation

spreading further and further feeding off my fear.

Frantically I search for an exit,

like a bird stuck in a cage,

scanning the darkness above me

and the shadows below,

frantically looking for a sign,

anything at all,

but all I hear is silence.

It's always late at night

when the first pangs of loneliness hit,

and make me feel so far away from the people I love.

Once the loneliness takes root in my mind

its chaos from there.

I don't understand it, I get why it's happening

but not to the extent that I'm feeling it.

My insecurities are fuel to the fire raging in my heart,

I'm trapped in a wall-less prison,

there's no escape,

and it makes me despair,

I know I'm going to burn to ashes,

and I dread it.

They weave illusions before my eyes

as smoke fills the room,

and its hard to tell what is real and what is a lie.

They become enmeshed with each other.

My judgement is clouded by the smoke,

and I can't tell the two apart

so I believe in what I'm told

even if it doesn't make sense,

it's just that I'm in agony

and what they say goes.

The distance I feel from everyone

makes me feel alone,

and I yearn to be close to them

to not feel this way.

There’s something inspiring

about the way she holds herself.

Every step she takes

owning it.

She’s powerful

and she’s not afraid to tell the world

they can shove it

if they have a problem with that.

She’s not going to let anyone’s words

drag her to hell.

Why?

Because it’s not where she belongs.

It never was.

To a passing stranger

she looks fearless,

but truth is

she has plenty of fear,

she’s just not letting it rule her life anymore.

She’s through with it’s lies

that kept her from being herself for years,

that muted her voice

when she desperately wished to speak up,

that made her hide in the shadows

when she was uncertain of possibilities

and what they could bring.

Her voice deserves to be heard,

It is important,

and the world needs more of what she has to say.

She has alot of love to give

through her words

not just to one person,

but to those most dear to her heart,

and those who are lost and wandering aimlessly,

she wants to help them if they’re willing.

She doesn’t want them to stay down

when they’re down,

she wants them to stand up and fight for themselves,

she wants them to fall in love with themselves,

to see themselves as something more than imperfections in a mirror

or a waste of space,

when they’re so much better than that.

This feels surreal,

I can hardly believe,

my time is done here.

I'm moving on

to my next adventure,

halfway across the world.

This is all I could've ever dreamed of

to travel and see the world.

At the same time I'm exhausted,

the amount of shit I had to pack

was no joke.

Not to mention,still have to

somehow carry it all to the airport.

But at least I got done packing before I had to go,

that would've been a living nightmare.

Now I wait for my flight,

time ticks on,

it's time to say goodbye to my friends,

by that I mean go annoy them one last time

and enjoy their company.

Time to leave what's become my home

for someplace new.

I've been here

nearly half a year,

studying and learning my job

there's been highs and lows,

but most of all

I'll remember

the people I met,

the laughs we shared,

the memories we created,

and the tears we cried.

Where are you?

I’m over here

waiting and waiting

the minutes turn into days,

the days into months.

I'm getting impatient.

I don’t understand why we

haven't met,

but I guess I'll keep waiting

for you to show up.

I don't know who you are,

I don't know where you are,

and you don't know me either.

You've never laid eyes on me.

Some nights it's too much

the void in my chest yawns

and crushes me

with your absence.

Its those nights where

my feet get a mind of their own

and they walk down

by the dark buildings,

onto the sidewalks,

past the speeding cars,

away from all the people

to nowhere in particular,

just aimlessly wandering

under the streetlights.

I search the sky for answers,

but there are none.

My only comfort

is that I'm not alone.

The stars are watching over me

shining through the darkness

that's oppressing me.

I yearn to be closer

to the stars.

I want to reach out

and touch them.

I run towards them,

stupidly hoping to

bridge the gap between

the earth and the sky.

We may speak the same language,

but we don't understand each other.

There was a time and place where we did,

but that moment is gone.

Talking to you now,

makes me uncomfortable.

I don't fully understand it,

but it must be the way you dropped out of my life.

Now you're back

pretending that nothing happened.

I can't ignore this feeling,

because you did do something wrong.

Here's what you can't understand,

it's not the same as before.

Some things are better off dead...

I felt so alive.

There we were,

the three of us running around

in the rain.

Not having a care in the world,

just exploring the old fort,

walking through its dark passages,

with nothing but phones to light the way

The adventure was thrilling,

every nook and corner

told a story.

We dashed across the grass,

our sneakers getting soaked

from the flooded ground,

and we shrieked

at the cold that made

its way inside our shoes.

The tropical storm raged around us,

but hell if we weren’t gonna have some fun.

It was the weekend and what better way to spend it

than being adventurous with your friends.

We found names etched into the walls

from centuries ago

it made me realize how long this fort had existed.

Up the stairs we went to

uncover the mysteries above.

We climbed another set of newer wooden stairs

and got a view of the gulf,

its waves arcing high

before crashing into the surf.

I shielded my eyes with my forearm

trying to keep the bullets of rain out of my eyes,

they were stabbing my eyes so hard

I wanted to cry,

but instead I dealt with the burning sensation

they left behind

and kept exploring.

We ran across open clearings

and dashed under the stone ceilings after them

grateful to be sheltered,

even though we were already soaked.

It was a relief to escape the howling wind

and the pelting rain.

We would pass under arches

and marvel at the ancient cannons

that sat atop the stone

or the torpedos that stood upright like a soldier;

as we walked in different directions

following separate rooms that led elsewhere.

The winds swept the gutter water upwards

it was odd to see,

and water pooled at the bottom

of the stone staircases.

That didn’t stop us from running up them

to the next thing that caught our eye.

It was freeing to not feel fear

and live in the moment.

It’s a day I’ll never let myself forget.

So many good memories were created.

The strangest thing happened today

I was walking by myself

on my way to pt,

down the diverging sidewalk

onto the straight away.

When I saw two people

in matching green shirts and shorts

walking towards me.

Other people had passed me by

running with headphones in,

sweat plastered to their face,

or walking in small groups

towards the seawall.

But none had caught my eye.

I didn't recognize the girl,

but something in my mind

told me I knew the guy.

As unbelievable and unlikely as that was

his face looked familiar...

Something in my mind clicked

like a key unlocking a door.

Best believe

I said his first name aloud,

It sounded like a question.

He actually stopped walking

and looked at me.

I exclaimed his first and last name in disbelief.

It was him.

He said I looked familiar too.

I cut my hair short

so he probably didnt recognize me

right away like I did him.

Who is this guy?

He's my classmate from highschool.

Honestly we're not close

but it was refreshing to see a familiar face,

in this place that feels like prison sometimes,

it made me happy.

I'ts really crazy to see where we both are now

Away from home,

learning our trades.

Away from what we knew,

diving into something new.

Doing our best to prepare for our jobs,

which are not the same,

and yet we somehow ended up

in the same state

we're both from,

at the same tech school,

and just happened to meet.

I thought about how

if I had left on time,

we never would've crossed paths.

Don’t ask me where I’m going,

my destination is unknown,

would knowing,

do me any good?

Would it take away the anxiety?

The endless thoughts spiraling around my mind,

spinning faster and faster,

giving me nasuea.

Would it make my nights any easier?

Or would I lie awake in despair of what’s to come?

How am I supposed to navigate through this?

Any time I find something to hold onto

it’s forcefully taken from my hands,

and I’m back to floating above my fears,

one wrong move and they’ll pull me under again.

The only thing that I can do is try,

try my best to get out of this ocean of fear,

but it feels like the world’s against me,

the tide grows sronger,

threatening to drag me under.

One could say it already has:

mentally I’m drained,

emotionally I’m spent,

yet there’s a small ember

glowing faintly,

that still lives within me.

Today I finally realized something.

I was wondering why my mind has been

in a consant state of chaos.

Well it’s been

trying to show me

what I’ve been missing out on.

That I need to slow down,

take a breath,

and stay here in the little moments.

That I don’t need to rush everywhere.

That I’m in such a hurry,

to do everything,

that I can’t enjoy my free time.

This weight I’ve been carrying

wasn’t meant to be constant.

The hours feel like minutes,

when you only think about how soon

your free time will end.

That’s what happens

when your thoughts gallop

as quick as a race horse.

Always in a competition against the clock,

trying so hard to be number one,

cutting the corners

to get to the end faster,

the hoof beats of the opposition

urging you to run.

Run faster,

like your life depends on winning.

That kind of adrenaline,

isn’t bad every now and then,

sometimes it spurs you into action,

but when it’s every damn day

chaos becomes addicting.

You run through everyday,

never stopping to give yourself a break,

pushing yourself past what you can take,

in this toxic way.

If only you could realize:

It’s not about how fast you get to your destination.

It’s not about how many others are in front of you.

It’s not about comparing yourself to others,

to see the gap between you two:

A. GAP. WILL. ALWAYS. EXIST.

Everyone has a different path,

hence why we all don’t share the same gifts.

Instead they vary

from person to person.

You’re not meant to follow someone else:

You make your own way.