The Only Way is Forward.
To this day, I still want to talk to you. I do miss you very much. But I know you're happier now, happier than I have ever seen you, I can't be mad at that. A piece of me wants to be, but that isn't how we mature as people. It shouldn't be. I realize now that I cannot forever bask in what was the past, but I need to look forward. Life hasn't stopped moving for me all this time without you, I can no longer let myself be swallowed by what used to be and what will not be anymore. I must let you go.
I still haven't ate
Yet my soul feels ever consumed
By the void that swallows my sanity.
There is a darkness
Deep inside of me.
Too deep, I cannot dig to find.
Yet I scratch ever so desperately
At the wooden boards that trap my body.
For I've been buried alive.
There is no oxygen,
Yet my lungs still fill
With dreams, I've yet to see reality.
Ignorance is my only bliss.
For if I ignore these wooden boards
I may finally get some rest.
I wish oh so badly
To unblock you from my socials
And tell you about my day
Like the old times.
But I have to let you live
With the damage you did to me
Because if I dont
You'll never change
The Only Way is Forward, Always.
I look left
I look right
Which way should I go?
I turn around
Behind me stands nothing
A sheer cliff thats swallowed by the void
Do I head straight?
Should I travel Left?
Which way should I go?
I do not have my heading
Every step is a guess
Is this the right way?
I do not know.
What's best for me
Is to move on
It hurts me
These constant realizations
Of my failures
Of my promises.
just another headline
Like a flood, I drown in your sovereignty.
Like an earthquake, your energy shakes my soul.
You leave me breathless and my head spins when I'm next to you.
As would a tornado.
A hurricane swept in destroying these walls, it was only your spoken mind.
Oh darling, how you bury my ego alive, such as an avalanche.
And how you humble me with your storm and loud crashes of lightning.
Your colors, beautiful as the Aurora, shine upon my darkened skies.
Oh, but how your solar flares eviscerate the very being of I.
I miss you, darling, and those holes I sank deep within.
But its how your heart erupts that hurts me the most.
Our love would never work
Because we are but disasters.
These 3 apps
I scroll through
At work, at home
All day long.
Like my character?
I've created him
Just for you
Its been seven weeks since we've parted ways; six weeks ago, my soul was confident.
But now it feels sorrow, now it feels loneliness.
I miss you, my beloved. I thought you were my home.
But I couldn't make you happy enough and I see now, my ways.
My true colors of black and dark purple.
These colors of neglect, these colors of loneliness.
You were nothing I appreciated, but only adored.
Its no wonder you chose different colors over mine, for mine only made you feel alone.
I love you, Ell-Ma.
You gave me so many chances..
I wish I felt this sooner.
It probably won’t matter.
Its an emotion, its an action, its even an excuse.
It can be a force to be reckoned with; it destroys your mind, your heart, your soul.
It ruins trust, it ruins families.
Paranoia can be caused from actions in the past, either by you or to you.
Once gripped by these chains you become a prisoner to its shackles, desperately trying to confirm your suspicions are not true.
However, you can will what you're paranoid about into existence if you aren't careful.
It all starts with a sneaky reminder of what happened in the past followed with anxiety or even anger.
It evolves into overthinking and can lead to depression and major anxiety.
It makes you nauseous, sick, you begin to question yourself.
You may even tell yourself you're only being paranoid, that this feeling is just you turning crazy; you may try to shake it off, forget the feeling and find something to take your mind away;
Or you succumb to its power and begin your search to confirm your suspicions arent real.
There are three results that stem from your search.
1. You find absolutely nothing, you're relieved.
2. You find exactly what you're looking for, your paranoia was justified.
3. You will your paranoia into existence. (I.e. you accuse your significant other of cheating with someone, so they do)
Sadly all of these results end with broken trust.
Either your trust with them, or their trust with you then the cycle of paranoia doesn't just continue, it gets worse.
Your paranoid episodes happen more often and last longer.
If you itch a mosquito bite it becomes itchier and itchier, thus the more you scratch.
So you scratch and scratch and scratch until it bleeds and even then its still itchy.
You try to find a way around it, break the system perhaps; you use your fingertips instead of your nails.
You think "if only I can find a way to keep scratching at it somehow, maybe the itch will go away." It doesnt.
The only way to get this bite to stop itching is to ignore it completely.
But you'll never know if you were right or wrong.
But that probably doesn't matter.
I will stay here and love you with my soul.
With everything I have, and all that I know. I will never let you go.
Today, I will hold you tight and let it be known. You, my darling, my dearest, my heart is yours to own.
Do not be worried about Tomorrow, to only exist is Today. Its here to stay.
For Tomorrow is yet Today, only to be replayed.