I would gladly give my all for the sixth thing in a list of what I love. I like places and objects but I do not love them. I love people, I love my parents and my friends, my co-workers past and present, I love the people I have met, and the people I hope to meet. I love that special someone in secret, I love the performer on the stage, I love the true artist, and I love you for taking the time to read this. While I dare not assign rank and value, even number six on my list would surely be a life. To protect that life, no matter who it is, would be to preserve what it is I love in this world. We are the sum of those we surround ourselves with, so to lose anyone would be to lose a piece of myself.

Cassie was an inquisitive toddler. Despite her illnesses, she learned about things all around her and yearned for new experiences. She had begun to form thoughts in her head at a very young age, and the thought that captivated her more than anything was the ocean. She had never been to the ocean and spent most of her time in bed or at the hospital, but it was close and she could see it sometimes from afar. Cassie had this undeniable urge to go to the water’s edge, she wanted to be in it and let it take her away. Some might think this is just the active imagination of a child, but then some cannot see beyond sight.

Cassie had not yet been told what was real and what was not, so she still clung to her sense of wonder. Even with the constant doctor visits she found strength in the idea of the ocean. Her dreams were of a beautiful place far from where she lived, where she was beneath the water’s surface. She began to draw pictures and paint, when she could talk she began to tell stories. Nobody knew where it all came from, but most thought it was cute and adorned her with trinkets from the sea. She was most proud of her collection of seashells, but she longed to pick one up herself.

Ever since she could talk she asked to go to the ocean, and now it was her time. She would finally be able to go to the place she dreamed of. Her fourth birthday was a special affair and she had been well for some time, it had been months since her last sign of illness. To celebrate the family gathered with friends to make the trip to the beach for her birthday. It was not far but Cassie couldn't help but be excited, this made the journey stretch into an unfathomable length of time. When the trip had almost become too much for her to bear, they came to a stop and she looked around excitedly. She could see some sand but it was difficult to make out from her seat.

“We’re here,” her father announced as he stood. She was so excited that she let out a scream and a bit of laughter. The ocean was right there, the place she had imagined, the place she had dreamed of. It was all right there.

“I want to go daddy,” Cassie cried with out-stretched arms as he lifted her up. Her father was strong and she loved for him to carry her. She smiled as she was surrounded by all the people she knew and loved. Her mother looked up to her in her father’s arms and smiled too knowing that this day was especially exciting for her daughter.

The procession of family and friends made their way to the beach and found a proper location to establish camp. Food and drinks were set out with some shade and places to sit. Cassie was restless during this time as she was told not to go to the ocean without her parents. She wanted to so bad, but seeing it here gave her pause. It was quite big and she felt so small compared to it, but it did not make her fearful. It made her feel a respect, if she even knew what respect was. It was an odd feeling to be turning four and knowing your purpose in life so powerfully. Her father came up to her with a bag and sat down next to her. She was so occupied with scanning the horizon that she hardly acknowledged him.

“Well my little mermaid,” he said looking down with a smile prompting Cassie to look back at him and return a smile. “Shall we go for a swim in the ocean?” he asked as he watched her eyes go wide and her smile grow much too large for such a small face.

“Can we?” Cassie asked excitedly.

“We can, your mum just wants you to wear this,” her father said as he pulled a colorful object from the bag. “It is a life vest,” he explained as he presented it to her.

“What's it for?” Cassie asked as she inspected the cloth and foam device.

“It's to protect you,” her mother answered as she walked up and sat on the other side of her.

“Protect me from what?” Cassie asked as she was not sure what dangers she may encounter.

“Well,” her father said, “the ocean is a big place and you’re a little girl, it will keep you safe.”

“Ok,” Cassie replied not sure what she needed to be kept safe from or how it even worked.

“Great, let me help you put it on and we can go to the ocean,” her mother said as she stood leaving a hand for her to grab.

“Yeah!” Cassie exclaimed as she reached up and grabbed her mother’s hand to stand. The life vest felt awkward at first and it took a little getting used to. Her arms did not rest quite right and it forced her head forward, but it was manageable, especially if it allowed her to go to the ocean.

“I’ll race you there,” her father said after he took off his shirt and sandals. They both ran laughing and playing while her mother followed, amused by the two. Cassie loved her parents and her thoughts once so focused on the ocean were now of pure joy as she played with her father in the sand. She wanted to show her parents the places that she had been to in her dreams.

They ran until they got to the water’s edge and Cassie unknowingly stepped onto the wet sand, pausing instantly. In that moment she felt something, something powerful and profound. She looked down at her feet but they were not the same, they seemed to be much larger. Her hands and body seemed larger too. She felt like she was in the same place, but something was different. She looked back and the entire city beyond the beach was gone, just a stretch of wilderness past the sand. She looked to the ocean and felt it pull her forward. She took a step and felt a tug at her arm. She was not sure what it was and at first resisted until she heard a faint echo.

“Cassie,” he father called to her. She had stepped onto the wet sand and went from laughter and movement, to still silence. He was not sure if it was her excitement or if something was wrong, but she was not moving or talking. He began to worry and reached down to grab her hand. She seemed to examine herself and look back to where everyone else was, then back out toward the sea. Cassie’s eyes did not look normal and he began to grow fearful as he tugged her hand. She pulled away slightly and he continued to call her name with no response, “Cassie, are you ok? Cassie?”

She could feel the tug and began to hear the faint sound of her name. The voice was familiar and made her smile. She wasn’t sure of the source of the voice, but felt it drifting softly on the ocean breeze. She looked down and watched as another wave was about to crash, this made her most excited. She was unsure of her surroundings, could not see anyone else, but nothing made her fearful still. The prospect of the wave washing over her brought a tear of joy that rolled down her cheek.

“Honey, what is wrong?” her father asked as he looked up to her mother who ran to their side. He saw his girl staring at the ocean and then down to the waves. Several had crashed on the shore but none had reached them at the edge of the wet sand. He jostled Cassie’s hand a little more trying to illicit a response from his baby girl as he watched a tear trickle off her cheek. The wave came up and moved majestically toward them but neither he nor her mom noticed it.

Cassie could see the wave and now felt the grip on her hand tighten. She felt her hand jostle as the wave moved to its final point before crashing. She was not going to be denied this moment and ignored the voice. She jerked her hand away from whatever was pulling and closed her eyes in anticipation of the coming sensation. Her heart began to beat faster and time seemed to slow as the wave approached the edge of the wet sand where she stood.

Like the first kiss of a beautiful relationship, like reuniting with a long missed loved one, like the embrace of one’s own god. Cassie found something in that instant as the water touched her feet. It was so overwhelming it pushed the energy out her body forcing her eyes open and her lungs to draw a deep breath. It was more than anything she could ever explain at the ripe age of four, more than life itself. She could feel the power of the ocean permeate her very soul as if she belonged to it. Her eyes looked to the sky as she realized she had fallen to the ground.

As the world came back she heard her father worriedly calling her name, her mother had gone to get her grandfather. Cassie looked up and saw the sky with an airplane high above them and glanced to her father smiling. She lifted her head and looked back, she could see the city once more. She looked quickly at herself, her hands and feet seemed to have returned to their normal size as she inspected them.

“Cassie can you hear me?” her father asked as he looked over her cradling her head. He had just watched her collapse and was not sure if he should move her or what to do, that made him the most scared.

“It’s the ocean daddy, I get to go to the ocean,” she said in a soft voice with her usual smile. Just then her mother had returned with her grandfather. He handled most of Cassie’s doctor visits at his own office and with the steady hands of a seasoned professional began to inspect his granddaughter checking for any negative signs.

“Are you feeling any pain right now Cassie?” her grandfather asked.

“What’s wrong Granpa?” she questioned unsure of why her parents and grandfather seemed so concerned.

“Nothing dear, you just fell over is all,” he said trying to keep her calm as he finished his examination. He had a brief conversation with her parents after they brought Cassie back to the camp to rest. He concluded that it could simply be excitement, but he was not sure. What he did know was that he did not see any symptoms that would lead him to believe she was in any imminent danger.

“I just don’t know, maybe we should call it a day,” her mother suggested. Cassie was sitting in the shade of the camp trying to hold on to the sensation she had felt when the wave hit her feet.

“She seems to be fine, let’s not be hasty,” her father said. As her parents spoke with the other adults to the side of their camp Cassie had gotten up to her feet.

She looked back to the adults who seemed pre-occupied with something. She was not sure what was bothering them but chose not to interrupt. Cassie had not protested when her father carried her away from the ocean because she was still trying to understand the feeling and what had happened. Now as she looked toward the expanse she wanted to go back. Normally she would not go off by herself, but this time she decided it was ok. She walked until she stood alone on the ocean’s edge. She was smiling.

Abigayle sat looking at the wall; she was trying to make sense of a poster with a forest scene. ‘Did the poster come to them as a gift or was it something they bought?’ she wondered. Her eyes scanned the image up and down trying to decide why this poster was chosen. It was a serene setting with a small pond pouring over the edge of a small natural spillway, the ground was covered in leaves of various colors and the trees seemed to be of the maple variety. To the right of the poster was a large ornate wooden door. She did not break her concentration even when the door swung open and they looked out at her.

The doctor stood there with her parents observing Abigayle for a moment. She seemed to just be staring at the wall and did little to acknowledge their presence. He was confident in his decision now to suggest she be sent away. Abigayle’s parents stood next to each other in the open doorway opposite the doctor.

“It's your decision, but I believe this is for the best,” the doctor said as he glanced back a  at Abigayle one last time before stepping out of her view. This was not the first doctor they visited regarding Abigayle's mental state. They nodded toward where the doctor had been and went to join their daughter in the waiting room.

“Hey Abby!” her mother said with an enthusiasm that was uncharacteristic as if she were surprised to see her own daughter. The kind of greeting you give when you are either genuinely surprised to see someone you missed, or trying to soften the blow of what is to come next. This surprised Abigayle as her train of thought was derailed, but she hid her surprise not sure what was to come next.

“Hey baby girl,” her father said as he knelt next to her trying his best to mask his worry. “I think that we need to talk, this doctor has an idea,” he said trying to frame things lightly.

“Yes,” her mother said still in the same enthusiastic tone. “We want you to know that we love you and want you to be happy, we want your opinion about something.”

“Now honey if you think this is not for you we can still look elsewhere, I want what is best for you,” her father added trying to hide how hard this was for him to even consider. He shuffled through his papers and a pamphlet slipped out resting neatly between Abigayle’s feet below the grey plastic chair on the waiting room floor. Her mother reacted trying to grab it before Abigayle could see it, but her father put out his arm to stop her. “Go ahead honey, pick it up.”

Abigayle reached down slowly and found the edge of the card-stock pamphlet pinching the sides together causing it to crease so she could pick it up from the linoleum floor. She had not even fully had it in her grasp before it all made sense. The reason her parents seemed to be acting odd. They had not found a doctor yet that could give a proper explanation. After all the money, time, and tests, perhaps going away for a while would help. Abigayle hid her feelings with the flash of a smile.

“Maybe this is best,” she said slowly forming each word holding back a tear. She knew her parents loved her, but she also knew they would never fully understand. To see the memories of others wasn’t something you could explain with modern medicine.

I would love to say that I learned some great life lessons because of my parents, and I did many times over, but this lesson was on I had to learn on my own at a much older age than I would like to admit. When I was young child I was often inquisitive and considerably shy, these qualities can at times be counter intuitive. My mother teases sometimes, in the same endearing fashion that a mother would bring out naked baby pictures to show people, that she thought I was mentally handicapped because I would watch other kids my age and not talk. It was soon discovered that when I did start speaking people could not get me to stop, which is endearing in its own right. But you can’t warm up to everyone all the time and often I found myself fixed at a point in time where my shyness took grip and made me somehow fearful or reluctant to talk to someone. I have a suspicion that most children go through something similar where they have to be told to shake the fear and ask someone to do something, like asking the stranger if it is ok to  pet the dog they have or asking for the autograph of the person they like. For me it often came when I wanted something and was too afraid to ask.

I remember trying to get my parents to ask the question I had and being told to go ask it myself. I would try to work up the courage to ask but if I could find the information by an alternative means that is where I was looking. “Just ask them,” I remember hearing my father say as if he could not understand what my reluctance was. I thought at the time he was fearless as he would strike up conversation with anyone, to this day he will talk with anyone, a trait I feel is in short supply more often than not. Ultimately one day I came to a sudden and abrupt realization, perhaps someone told it to me and that could be the case, but I like to think I did this part on my own. I examined the unprovoked fear that I had in asking questions and pushed through it finding it baseless. I realized that the worse thing anyone can say to you is no if you ask for something. The worst thing that anyone could provide you if you ask about something was to give you nothing. Perhaps all the prompting and encouragement to ask questions from my parents is what made me realize this, or perhaps it was an older child in another family who told me those words verbatim, or perhaps we will never know. I used to be so afraid of getting a ‘No,’ as if it would harm me in some way physically. The day I shed that baseless fear was the day that I started asking questions, and I never stopped.

There is elegance to the simplicity of some questions, and in the same sense a beauty to the complexity of others. My new found fearless approach expanded well beyond the simple yes or no questions. I found out more about the world and people than ever before. I found out that a question can be powerful in its ability to gather information or uncover opportunities. The right question can send your life unexpectedly off its current course hurtling through space and time toward an alternate destiny. The ability we have to question the universe coalesces in our pursuit of all things and is mirrored in in the scope of our advances as a species. Questions are the basis of science, relationships, philosophy, knowledge, and so much more. To question, I found, is to participate in life itself.

A question to clarify rendered me the name of a new friend, a question to define gave me facts to understand, and a question of the heart brought me many truths of this world. I discovered that all of these questions weave together like endless threads in the tapestry of understanding, further developing mine in all regards. To ask a question was to allow myself the possibilities I otherwise would not have. In the pursuit of answers or information I grew, in finding the answers I learned. Questions shape the way we see the world and give us perspective as to how we fit within it. If life has gifted me any wisdom it is to never be afraid to ask a question, and if asked a question return the favor and always embrace the opportunity to provide someone else with an answer of your own design.

It was as all things are, imperfect. His love was part of the failings of an antiquated system long overgrown with the vines of corruption. There was only misery within the proverbial institution and damnation outside of it. Life was a trap built by his own hands, structured by the ill-fated decisions of his younger self. He was condemned to this until death, and even then it was rumored that it might continue. People looked up to him, how could he share his discontent with them if they looked to him for guidance? He was seen as successful, happy, the guy who had it all figured out, a pillar of the community. He cared for this community; it was one of the last few things he genuinely cared about.

Many nights he worried what people would think if he should show his weakness, the cracks in the pillar ran deep. He worried that the whole building might topple in on itself; all those that depended on him would be lost. His fears and insecurities built a wall, so high and so vast that none could go past, but only look at the outside. To others this wall had a wonderful façade to look upon, but behind the wall he festered in his contempt for himself. He longed to speak the truth, but he knew the truth was not freedom; the truth would lead him to lose everything.

He was not always like this and he is not a bad man, he simply is not happy. He tried, at first, to make things work; to do things to bring back his joy, but as every attempt failed one after another it became easier to simply carry the weight behind his wall. There was a time when he was so strong in his love that he would do amazing, ridiculous, wonderful, foolish things for that love. Now he endured with no end in sight, he longed to put away the world.

The world cannot be simply put away, at least not forever. He had to deal with it in suffering, silence so strong it was deafening in the dark of the night. Every day he sat and stared trying to focus on simple things, matters that had nothing to do with his current state. He thought of baseball, a local business, a new billboard, and the menial tasks of his work. Despite his efforts to keep his mind empty of any thought of true consequence he was always drawn back to his darkest burden that he kept behind the wall. He wondered, if there were a God would he be proud of him? Or would God want him to speak the truth, even if it meant damnation by the rules of the common faith? He did not want to be condemned, but he had to be true to himself sometimes.

To accomplish this he took trips out of town, these he labeled as vacations, but they were not relaxing. He always had an agenda, something he had to do, something he looked forward to and kept him going. When he was most buried behind his wall, to the point of breaking, he would go far from his home to seek an embrace. This embrace was the pinnacle of self-indulgence, worship of one’s own spirit above all else. He put away his normal subdued clothing and donned his new persona, a glimpse beyond the wall.

He would feel such a rush of exhilarating, mind altering, and welcome freedom on these trips. Every time he loosed himself the embrace was so overwhelming that his mundane life seemed bearable. He shed all concern for himself, for his obligations, but he could not shed the responsibility he felt to his community. This trip, like a rendezvous with a strange lover, was only temporary and he would have to return to the home he came from, even though he wished he could stay. The trip was always brief but in its brevity it was special, almost infinite in its meaning to him. After he had taken as much as he dared from the forbidden fruit he would prepare to return to his community.

Another morning brought the light shining in the windows of his all too familiar room. He glanced about waking from his first night back almost hoping his real life was just a dream, but reality set in as he began his morning rituals. He stepped up to the sink to wash his face and for a moment as his finger touched his lips he felt a shiver run down his spine, a memory of his trip returned to him and he stood frozen in that moment until he heard a knock.

“We are going to start in five minutes,” a familiar voice called through the door. “We wanted to let you sleep in but we are getting worried you are not up yet.”

“I am fine,” he said still with his two fingers touched to his lower lip. “I will be there in a moment,” he assured the voice on the other side of the door.

“Great I will let them know,” the voice responded.

He pulled his fingers away from his lips in a rush as if to hide it from himself. His clothes were hanging by the bathroom and he was quick to dress as he tucked away the memories of the trip he had been on so that no one could glean them from surface of his mind. He exited his chamber and proceeded down a small hallway dimly lit towards another set of doors. He could hear chatter on the other side of the door and took a deep breath. He hated what came next, but he had to do it for the community. He adjusted his collar and opened the door. The pews of his congregation were full and he was ready to deliver the sermon he had written before he left for his trip. The community needed him and they could never know the truth.