weeds pulled and the dirt fed

i let the clover grow

and the vine it crushes the overlap

where the brush meets things man-made

the end of the green meets the beginning of blue

or brown

or dark of night

so, i let the clover grow

i let the clover grow, and the field does not suffer for it

the grass does not pay a price

and the sun shines down with plenty --

where i let the clover grow

@r2

the winding spiral of nicotine tasted remarkable

until the next morning when i swore it off forever

the smell of beer on his lips was intoxicating

though i have never really enjoyed any strong drink

the warmth of the burn felt like all time was standing still

only hours later i would hate the textiles it touched for their coldness

i swam in ponds of water so soft and fertile i felt refreshed by them

only later to not be able to scrub hard enough to remove it from my skin

i loved

and yet i hate that i did

in my youth i preferred walking the dirt roads barefoot

i would break up with this desire the second i slipped into new socks

the relationship continues this way

never a child

forever childlike

i spin in circles of cruel and etherial unsustainable joy

a power source with no energy

i drink from the stone cup of my fathers

honey, that drinks like silk, and poisons me

deep breaths find me in all emotional voids and fill me

and also at summits of the best moments in life- to remind me

i am

and nothing is more powerful than turbulent contradictions

grounded to contrition

anchored in blood

drowning in air when water sets me free

i will die

for

i am

at any opportunity

R1.9-15

when kindness dies- it is never sudden

it may feel like it

when you realize it is absent in a way where you are startled when it comes around

saying goodbye to the dog you've shared your life with for a quarter of your own

that lonely is missing the kindness true agape love brings

kindness dies slowly a bit at a time

as your phone rings less

the mail stops coming

when your children out grow you

each funeral a specific warmth leaves you

and as time goes on the distance between goodbye and cold nostalgia rips apart

youth divides and goes on in a different universe

new experiences become less interesting

with each decade you will lose something about yourself that you once cherished

you will not know it is gone, until it is

the things you saved along the way- those thing that reminded you of kindnesses

go into storage to be someone else's keepsake or trash

if you throw yourself into work, when you slow down

and you will have to

the anxiety of 'still' will become painful

if you throw yourself into religion you'll rebuke fake and false so often you stop interacting

knowing the difference between kind and friendly will separate you

if you bow before God

when kindness dies

you will exist in contrition, and a joy literally based in the promises of death

if you struggle to make your dreams come true

rather than live and be happy along the way

your bitterness in failure will haunt you and you will become somehow feral

escaping domestication is only for youth and should have a time limit

but so long as there is kindness you will push back your time limits and deadlines

and in those cases it catches up to you and kills you faster from within

you will attempt to offer kindness or make it

but the world changes and redefines emotion so often it will be futile

your plans will die

someone will do your life goals better than you

if you are lucky- you will remain void of depression in trade for hope

but if the kindness in your life dies off

hope starves

bitterness gets some people by- but in the times they are without distraction from self

they are the most miserable liars on earth

unable to even recognize kindness

and that is the first death

to survive it

plant seeds, make something better, do- give

even if you have to watch them from afar

or know you have provided an opportunity for something you loved to be rich in kindness

impoverish yourself of anything that could be something somewhere else

when kindness dies out, accept it for sanity

and in an effort to be kind

lie behind smiles

smile around lies

and encourage opportunities

even when you don't care for them not to be your own

next to the light

under the moon

where if we both look up

we stand together

wherever we are

under the moon

we both are seeing it together

under the quiet

around the things unsaid

where we both messed up

i now stand alone

wherever you are

up in the sky

i want to be back together

every project in my house i finish

every room that comes out perfect

every detail big as the roof, small as the perfect night light

every check on the list

one step closer to done.

every morning i wake early

every letter of the book i digest

every chain reference reaching into my own life

every check on the list

one step closer to done.

every day i get through it

every moment i keep myself in

every opportunity i give to others from my own

every check on the list

one step closer to done.

every kindness i offer

every love i freely give

every time i step away from myself

every check on the list

one step closer to done.

he loved her as she was

and she was

she fell in love with him at the first

as she was

in that moment he was her whole world

and she was

and time stops

and she does

and anything she can make perfect outside of failing love

she does

creating is easier

than failing

which she does

and never does time stop long enough for her to right things

just because

and she listened to small voices for what to do

and she does

the whole world just 'fixing'

all she does

and then hope died

as it sometimes does

and like locked in syndrome of emotion

she was

and he was gone

but she was

and time still went on

and she does

so after a short more moment of life

she decided

just because ...

to reach out

with untied shoe laces

looking down at them

as if she was

just to trade it all

to get back to

what was

a skeleton key

i had to find it

for my own locks

formed for me and given freely

called by name to even be gifted it

but 'life' was more precious

and doors locked

made for hallways much more easy to navigate

unwittingly i locked all true precious and goodness away

with the same key

loosing it

what is something to understand about the hidden

is it's power once found

destructive

healing

we pick

and if we can not fix- we can seek

we CAN

seeking means trusting

means handing over the key

carefully

or the rooms start locking back

and if you are not careful

they become sealed once again

but-

if in good faith

you gently

set it on the table

pass it across the conversation

hoping for one more click

one last door to open

and it may not

it may not

whatever you do

don't force it

because you will loose it again

and time passes quickly

if you must be the shrew

be the shrew with the key