I’m a broken mess that doesn’t know anything but being broken
I have struggled with depression but I didn’t understand what it was. I wasn’t educated in it and I neglected to look into it. I was only 14 when the doctor diagnosed me. My parents didn’t do anything about it so I didn’t think it was anything major. I wish they did because I spiralled all the time. I thought I was too emotional because I cried a lot because feelings overwhelmed me, if anything bad happened it would take me way longer to get out of the funk and greave it. It just was too long. It took a few years sometimes to move on but my happy moments were less and less. That pure joy on the inside was fading faster and faster. Though my parents were hella toxic. That’s a topic all on it’s own. But I’m still healing from that. So after the last big family breakdown I broke down. I left I couldn’t handle it anymore. You’d think leaving would help but it didn’t. I didn’t have any tools in my toolbox to help me regulate and actually deal with what had happened. I was taught to stuff it all away and ignore it. So that’s what I did. I learnt to mask from a very early age so when people watched me bleeding out they didn’t know it because I told them I wasn’t bleeding out. I buried it down deep. I started feeling good but the smallest things broke me again and instead of being able to bounce right back I fell and I kept falling deep into this pit of darkness. I kept stuffing and stuffing. Then I was feeling okay again. Though this was a start of feeling bad all the time and having maybe a few good things here and there. I thought this was how life was meant to be and I was questioning who wants to stay in this life feeling like this? Who would want to bring kids into this dark world. Have their pure joy and happiness crushed and turned to dust. Their light dimming to nothing. Why? What for? I then found love, my first relationship at the age of 23 almost 24 she light my light up but I was fooled because I was stupid and ignored her toxicity. But I let that go for just over two years. She ended things on my 26th birthday. That’s where my big fall into the pit of nothingness. I started self sabotaging everything, I was hating on myself and doing very disgusting things to punish myself. I was shutting off big time. I left a really good place and went back home to my mum. I couldn’t stay where I was because I didn’t want to hurt the people how cared for me. But I did it anyways. I shut them out. I got distant. I repeated the same things again. I am trying to fix it now because I miss them and I love them all so much. My family I built and chose. It’s been one blow after another. I started started getting better though I found a job where I was thriving in. But I worked myself into a giant burn out and with a crappy boss I set high bars and when I started burning out i wasn’t doing so good at work. But she wouldn’t let me have a break. I left. But that was the right thing because I started doing something I loved even more. I was taking care of my Grammy. Though that included other toxic family members that she lived with as well. One being my abuser when I was younger. It was hard after a while but I was with someone I cared about and who needed me to be okay and take care of her. I pushed through. But I hit a dark patch again. I seemed help from my doctor. I was working really hard with him and he was working really hard with me. Then after all that hard work I was diagnosed with bipolar and a shit ton more. I was happy because now I can get the right help and treatment. But I was also sad and overwhelmed. Why couldn’t the adults in my life care enough to help with my struggles to get these diagnosis’s when I was younger. Not the bipolar but the asd and adhd. But instead I got shamed in public for my bad grades, called lazy and disrespectful. Punished for my sensory issues because I’m just a spoilt brat. I have started a lot of therapy about trauma, and my diagnosis’s but I also started medications. One at a time and slowly finding the right dosages and right medications. I was lucky because the first one I had worked with me. Though a lot of bad things have happened when I started taking my meds. So I’m worried my meds are whacked and not working properly because their the wrong meds. But I don’t know because these last four months have been killer. My therapist has been busy and I have had to cancel a few appointments myself. But it’s all getting worse. I have had three very important people removed from me because of things out of my control. I keep getting told that I’m not the problem and I haven’t done anything wrong. But my Grammy is now in a home my cousin who I foster has been removed from my care and my three year old who biologically isn’t mine has been removed from my care as well. I haven’t been allowed to see her for over a month and it’s killing me. I haven’t seen her in over a month my cousin for two weeks and my Grammy has been in a home for a few months now. I don’t get to see her when I want I don’t get to help her, cook for her, I can’t bring her home. Im not enough. I can’t change anything. I can’t fix anything because no one will tel me why they are taking them. My Grammy I understand because I truly am not enough to take care of her. Im one person she needs more than one. No one else in my family can do it because they are selfish and just lazy. The only one person here that could help me and would help me is my Aunty but she works a full time job and she has a back injury. It’s all too much. It’s like my meds are being taken over and not working but I’m scared that if I stop it’ll be worse. But I know it’ll be worse. I truly do. Because I know the meds are working. They have been working. Im just in a dark patch. But I’m really hiding it all. I am speaking to my doctor soon. I wish it was a quick fix. I have 28 years of trauma to fix and heal myself from. Im only at the beginning and it’s dark as fuck right now and I’m all alone. But I know I can do this. I just wish i wasn’t alone I’m sick of being alone. Though I have pushed away people because I am so used to being alone. I Always had to do things on my own. Surrounded by family but all alone. I had to do it alone. Then some people are there and I don’t know what to do with it because they will leave to. I’ll have to get hurt and learn to do it alone all over again. I’m just a broken mess and hope one day even when I struggle I won’t push someone away or fade away. I have hurt a few good friends because of this. Nothing will change that. Nothing at all. I want to reach out but I’m scared I’ll hurt them again or they might hurt me because I unintentionally hurt them by trying to protect myself. Because I’m selfish. Idk what the purpose is of writing this but it has helped a little and taken a little weight off my shoulders. Because the thought of running away and disappearing from everyone and starting new isn’t so strong. Even though I feel like I have nothing I know I have somethings. Besides if I leave that’s selfish because people rely on me, need me. Though sometimes I feel like I’m only around because I can do these things and be there for them. It’s not true that’s just an intrusive thought. I’m more than that to them. I know that it just hard. This journey is going to be hard and it’s going to hurt before it gets better. I’m going to break a lot. I’m going to have setbacks as well as progress. I just need to make sure I can get through that. I’m not expecting any interaction I’m not looking for attention I wrote this but writing it in my notes is like I’m trying to silence myself. At least here I can trick my mind into thinking I have said it out loud because others can see it.
A Bright new world part 7
(This has been edited as I accidentally missed the first two paragraphs. I’m really sorry about everything. I’m slowly learning how to balance my work life and other life situations because I don’t have time for me and my passions anymore and it honestly brings me down and I see what it is doing to other especially the ones I make wait and I’m sorry for that. I’m struggling to do the right things because I don’t know what they are. I need to sit down and make a plan and work it out balance it properly. My boss said hopefully after New Years my roster will be more reliable and not all over the place. So once that is done I can kind of plan around that because I never could, always getting called in at last minute and so on. I just I’m sorry to anyone that I have hurt and disappointed along the way. Mainly one person and you know who you are and I know you don’t like it when I say who you are either but I really am sorry xx)
“Okay, let’s go,” I say with a small smile. I still don’t know what I’m meant to think about all this magic stuff and how much of it, I should believe. It’s too overwhelming for now.
I will get there when I cross that bridge. About 30 minutes later, we get to Mel's place. I hardly notice the time, my mind too preoccupied, trying to analyse everything that happened this morning and the last couple of days... Safe to say, my brain was losing this battle. As Mel's car slowly pulls into the driveway, my eyes stare numbly at the view. I always loved this place, even if I wasn't here too often, seeing it as my other home, right after my Aunties house. Where my parents lived, that was never a home. I blink a couple of times, trying to gain some focus and stare at the pretty little house, while I get out of the car. The house is bright, with sand colour walls. Two old cherry trees standing in front of it; a well-kept front yard. People say it sometimes as a joke, but the grass did always seemed greener here, as if in a slightly better world and with more possibilities.
I walk straight to the front door, I pull my own key out and unlock the door. I go straight up stairs to the spare room and put my stuff in there. I unpack my bags just like I would at a hotel and then go for a shower. I spend a good hour in the bathroom, I wrap my hair in a towel and then wrap a towel around my body to go downstairs. As I get to the lounge room I see Mel sitting in her love seat with a throw rug around her reading a book “how are you feeling love?” She asks as she puts her book down. “Your shower is amazing I could stay in there forever. You know that.” I say as I plonk myself down next to her with a big smile. I know that’s not what she meant but I’ll talk when I’m ready.
“When is Benny boy coming back home I haven’t seen him in forever.” I say changing the subject “he’s been gone for three months so if all goes well he’ll be home in three more.” She says with mixed emotions. I understand that. I wouldn’t be about to handle the love of my life going away for months at a time. He’s in the Air Force. “You’re an amazing woman you know that. I couldn’t handle it having him gone for so long constantly worried.” She shrugs “I always knew this was what he did I married him as well. Maybe you can cut my worry in half by not going out getting into fights more often.” She says playfully and gets up “I’m going to use my amazing shower I’ll be back soon.” She says with a smile and I nod.
This was the perfect time to use what I found on top of my fridge. I found a joint I was given by one of my dates my Aunty set me up on. I get up and make sure Mel is definitely in the shower and race to the laundry. I open the laundry door that leads outside and light up my joint. I inhale and fill my lungs up holding it in as long as I can and slowly blow it out. One I finish it off I’m pretty sleepy and relaxed. I shut the door and I see a white button up shirt that way too big for me, so it’s definitely Bens. I take it to my room and get dressed.
I put on socks as my feet were cold, I have undies and the shirt on. I go down stairs to the kitchen and put on some music on. Old time rock and roll come on so I start singing and dancing along to it just like Tom Cruze. When the song ends I turn around and I see Mel holding her phone up and my jaw drops “you didn’t.” She smirks “I did. Now what’s got into you? What you cookin?” She asks as she’s walking over “I wanted a bacon cheeseburger with lots of bacon. And chocolates I just want it all actually I’m starving.” I say as I pop some of the snacks I opened as I was cooking into my mouth. She frowns and walks up to me and looks into my eyes “fuck” I whisper “it was just pot I swear.” I say quickly and she shakes her head “just go sit down and I’ll cook. I don’t need you hurting yourself please.” She says softly and takes over cooking. I walk off sadly into the lounge room I take a seat on the recliner and lean back.
It was so comfortable I yawn and stretch. “Mmm so good” I say as I close my eyes and smell the food. That was a mistake because I didn’t reopen my eyes. I drifted of too sleep.
A Bright new world part 6
“There’s a lot I need to tell you.” Says Lilly I say not sure what I’m feeling but the information is needed and wanted.
“Then talk.” I say bluntly.
“Aren’t you going to ask what about?” She replies and I shake my head “No, you’re here for a reason. You know something so just tell me before you leave again...” I roll my eyes at Mel punching me. “Please” I say softly, my gaze falls down to her hands and worry kicks in and a frown covers my face once again “What happened to your hands?”
I reach out and inspect the damage of your knuckles gently. “Let’s just say I didn’t use something correctly when exercising.” I look up and raise an eyebrow “exercising?” I ask in disbelief. “Like you even need it” I know the that ‘exercise’ did not cause that. “That’s very nice kiddo, but I do it to let go of my high adrenaline levels.” I look at her in shock and screw my nose up in dislike “Did you just call me a ‘kiddo’?” She waves her hand at me dismissively and I huff as I roll my eyes.
“Doesn’t matter. Better tell me how your feeling right now.” I shrug my shoulders “Fine, I guess. Don’t look at me like that. I mean it. Mel gave me some painkillers and another coat of her cream. It makes the pain go away.” I say before she thinks I’m lying. I watch her look curiously at Mel and she asks her “what kind of cream?” Mel just smiles and says “It’s just some special herbs mixed with anesthetic. Nothing that could do her any wrong. I assure you.” I smile at her and lean in more as I feel safe with her and trust her 100% without question.
“Hmm, don’t worry. I don’t doubt you” Lilly says and that makes Mel look surprise and makes me surprised too. She doesn’t even know her. “Just her actions.” She points at me and I give a look that most everyone would call a dirty look. “This isn’t my fault. They attacked me without warning.” I defensively and cross my arms.
“And why did they do that?” She asks and blink as I see it play back in my head “because they were friends with...” my voice starts to break as I talk. She bends down and takes my hand in hers gaining my attention I blush a little and either she doesn’t notice or doesn’t point it out and I thank god for that.
“You’re fine now, and he is already taken care of. He won’t get out for many, many years to come. And soon his three cell buddies will join him. He will be in a good company, of creatures just as rotten as him.” She says and I shiver. I feel you stroke my hands and it relaxes me. When you let go I feel sad and wish you would hold on longer.
“They all should be happy with their outcome. Landing in a dirty cell, and und a couple of feet underground. They should see it as mercy.” I gulp with wide eyes at what she just said. Are they dead? Or are they alive? So many crazy thoughts went through my mind. “No need to panic. They are safe and sound in their cells. They are just a bit bruised and battered. All I meant, is they could have been in worse shape. I dramatized for effect... because scumbags like that make me sick and furious. But don’t trouble your thoughts. The only person judging them will be the judge at court. I just hope she’s a woman.” I relax with what she says and and when she winks at me I relax. It takes Mel a bit longer to relax but eventually I feel her relax.
We look at each other and with all the courage and determination I have in me I nod my head and ask “so what really happened last night?” She sighs and starts walking around the kitchen as if she is working out what to tell me and what not to tell me. “Tell me, what do you exactly remember? And I will try to fill in the gaps.” She asks.
That’s when it hits me. Everything I do remember that isn’t enough and then my imagination trying to fill in the blanks scare me. Mel rubs my arm gently and I take a deep breathe, let it out slowly and fidget with my fingers trying to work out how to tell. I stop and frown.
“I don’t remember much. I needed to drink. So I went to the bar ordered a bunch of shots...” I look back up at her so she knows I’m serious “No, I didn’t drink too much I can handle my alcohol, it’s a weird thing and honestly, it sucks because I can’t be a cheap drunk. I need to spend a lot to get drunk. Anyways, I have seen a few guys playing pool and went to join. One guy wouldn’t take no for an answer he kept hitting on me, then I put him in his place. Well, I thought I did because he apologizes and buys all of us a drink. He, he, he...” I stutter as I realise what he had done. My breath hitches, He had spiked my drink. I was stupid enough to drink it. I grit my teeth and as anger starts to fill me up just like a volcano ready to erupt.
“The asshole drugged me but I didn’t know. Not until now. I went to go to the bathroom as I wasn’t feeling well and I remember his face in the hallway. That’s it, I don’t remember anything. Then I went there and the place is trashed, and then I went outside and the rest of the goons turned up and the cornered me. Shit when down and then I wake up here.” I lan more into Mel and close my eyes. I just need to know the truth to what happened I need to fill in the blanks of this nightmare so I can heal. Before I go to say anything or feel anything else she says “I stopped him” my eyes pop open and I frown “What? How? When did you get there? No, you weren’t there... I would have...” I would have felt you there is what I want to say but I don’t. I watch as she sits in the counter and sighs. “Trust me, I was there. I’ll start from the beginning. Let’s end with all the confusion, shall we?”
I nod my head and she begins telling me that she got there and I was playing pool with the guys. She says she sees him hand me the drink and how my body started reacting to it. She watched as I stumbled to the bathroom and he followed. “There was something really off about him... and it wasn’t just his horrific hairstyle.” She says and then disappears into her own thoughts and that’s when Mel steps in “Lilly?” And that brings her back. But I look at her confused and a little out of place she says her name as if they know each other and know something is wrong. She doesn’t even know her that well, does she?
It brings Lilly back because she says “I’m fine. I was just overthinking something. I have a very vivid memory, that’s all. Nothing crucial.” Mel nods and then asks “What happened next?” I have definitely missed something. Mel knows something I don’t. I cross my arms and a small pout covers my face even though I try to hide it and not show it I know it’s still there. Mel just shakes her head at me letting me know this is not the time for this and before I could do or say anything Lilly’s voice stops me. “I called for backup and followed him.”
I look back at her confused once again “What do you mean backup?” I ask “I am glad that you have such high regards when it comes to my person, but I couldn’t really take care of this on my own, could I now?” My mouth opens and closes before I start talking “That’s not what I meant, I was just curious... I would never let you alone in such a situation... I mean, I am glad that you had a backup, well, not that you aren’t strong or you can’t handle yourself, all I mean is that...” I ramble on
“Stop. “ she says and holds her hand up. My mouth shuts fast and I just look at her and blush. “I know what you meant. I called my friend that always helps me out in need. I have known him for years and have full trust in him.”
“Sorry, please finish.” I say softly
“The backup was nearby and came in just a couple of minutes.” She says and I sigh softly “But what happened when you started to follow him? Please tell me everything, don’t leave anything out. I need to know everything.” Her eyes on me got to much and I look down at my hands.
“I followed him to the hallway and then to the bathroom. The whole thing took a long while because your moves had been very uncoordinated, and he was very patient. He thought it was a sure win. He was wrong. When I reached the bathroom, the door to it was open and I saw the two of you there. He was pushing you against the wall and you were struggling. Are you sure you want to listen to more?” As she talks I get sick and I can feel the blood draining from my face. I swallow the lump in my throat “Yes, don’t stop. I’m fine.”
“Suit yourself.” She says as she moves about getting comfortable. “I saw what he wanted to do but he didn’t have an easy way with you. You were putting up quite a fight for a person in your state... Then something happened to the lights, some electrical surge. It got darker. This caught him off guard. You punched him in the crotch - and may I add, it was very well done. But the thing is, it only made him angrier and out of control. He punched you in the ribs, that’s why they hurt so much today. I’m sorry about that, I should have acted sooner but I had to wait a moment for my friend.” Part of me relaxes and feels joy that nothing more happened
“You’re the one because I am here right now, safe.” I say gratefully
“In a way, yes... but back to the story - suddenly something happened and the lights in the entire place went off. I heard a thud and it must have been the moment when you fainted.” My mind going a little to fast and I butt in “What did you do in the dark? Did he run away... or did he try to...” I ask slowly “No, he didn’t even have a chance to think about it. My help arrived and took care of it... Well, alright. Try not to hyperventilate here but I fired it off with a couple of punches to start with. I have a good sight, even in the dark and very feisty nature. Plus, I train - a lot.” I get this urge of protectiveness and frown “you shouldn’t have, it was dangerous and...” I start to scold you but you cut me off “No, I should have. Trust me, he had it coming. And my friend took care of the rest. Problem resolved. Done deal.”
I shake my head that can’t be all of it “No, there must have been more, you have to explain in the between stuff. How did I get home? What happened to me, you have to tell me! I don’t remember!” Mel pinched me again but before I can say anything Lilly starts talking “Alright, fine. Please stay calm and I will tell you all the rest.”
Mel moves her arm up around my shoulder calming me down even though she pinched me. She knows that if she didn’t hold me and keep me calm I would be losing it right now because you told me to stay calm. “She’ll be fine now, please continue.” Mel says as she rubs my arm.
“When things were taken care off, I checked in what state you were and the damage that was caused to your ribs. Don’t worry, your honor wasn’t harmed in any way.” I can’t help it but I profusely blush “Ramsey - the backup, helped me to transport the walking dirt to the police and you to your flat.” I look at her questioningly “How did you know where I lived?” Has she followed me before? I ask my self. She gives me a long stare and lifts an eyebrow “Your ID was in your back pocket.” I don’t know why I’m questioning her after all she did save me “How did I get to my flat?” It doesn’t seem to faze her and she answers them all “You were being carried in by a man the size of a small mountain. But don’t worry, he didn’t even feel the weight... you do live high though, so the only thing conscious and in pain were my feet.” I nod “And he carried me inside as well?” I ask not sure I like the idea of a strange Amman in my house even if he was helping me. “No, he had to take care of the dirt. So I got you to bed.”
I gasp a little at the thought of her putting me in my bed. “Well, obviously not in my arms. You do have some weight on you... so pardon, but I had to drag you there. Then I made sure you were alright, covered you with something and left. The doors had an automatic lock so the I left the keys with you. I gave your ID back and put it where I found it, though it wasn’t easy with those tight jeans of yours.” My jaw drops and I hear Mel chuckle behind her and and she stands up to pretend she busy over doing the already clean dishes. And as Lilly’s eyes are back on me I close my mouth. She smiles innocently at me “You have a very lovely place. A bit small but charming.” I smile sweetly at her but it doesn’t last long as the pain takes over. I take a few breaths to calm the pain.
“Thank you. I like it small, it’s just me there so I don’t need much space” I then remember what she said about my pants and give her the evil eye “...and my pants aren’t that tight. “
Her smile turns a little wicked “Oh, they were tight, it’s a good thing I didn’t have to take them off, of you.”
Mel snorts And heads for the exit saying she hears a customer. We all know no one is there she would have locked up when I was in here. I look back at Lilly and I’m at a loss of words my mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water and I feel it get redder and redder. I go to stand up but my head starts to spin and I feel like I’m going to pass out. I sit back down and look at the door Mel went out hoping she didn’t see what happened. I sigh with relief that she didn’t and I look back up at Lilly and look her in the eyes “Thank you for everything, really you saved my life. I owe you big time. Is there anything I can do to repay you?”
Her expression turns serious as she comes towards me and helps me up. I look at her with gratitude “No, you don’t owe me anything. But then again, there is this one thing.” She takes a step closer to me and I tense up. She places her hand in my shoulder she bends and leans in so her face is just an inch away from mine. She tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear and my heart is a beating mess. She leans in further to the side, her lips to my ear and whispers “do this for me....stay out of trouble, little girl” and with that she walks out.
“I I I” I stutter and can’t even think of anything. Mel walks in with a giant smirk on her face and that pulls me back into reality and I groan “I’m not a little girl” I cross my arms and pout. She raises a brow and looks me up anddown “you sure act like one.” I roll my eyes at her but then soften my tone and expression “can I stay with you tonight please?” I ask softly no sure I want to go home alone.
“Yeah honey you don’t have to ask. You know that. We can stop by your place and get some things.” She walks up to me and wraps me up in her arms. I wrap mine around her and I feel safe, warm and loved. Never did I get that from my parents.
“I need to tell you something. I’m not okay things have been happening and you’re going to think I’m crazy, because I’m definitely feeling crazy.” I say as I let go and step backwards. My head spins again and I sit back down on the seat. Mel rushes and sits down next to me “are you okay? What’s wrong?” She asks me worried and I just look at her grateful that she cares about me. “Mel I’m fine just a head spin. I need to tell you for the last I don’t even remember how many days well since my Aunty called me in sick, where I was asleep for nearly 24 hours.” She nods saying she remembers. “Well I went for a run after work. You know my normal run into the forest that takes hours? Yeah well I was there and back in minutes and not only that there are Lilly’s growing in there but I don’t remember seeing them on the way in. So I stopped and then a branch feel but it didn’t hit me Mel. It should have but when I put my hands over my head nothing happened. I looked up and it was just floating there. Then it went flying away from me. Not only that strange things happen everywhere. Just for instance today. Those men. Mel look at me. I would love to say I could have taken them on my own but I haven’t done enough training to do that. Plus I haven’t done boxing training in months. I snapped his leg as if it were a twig. A twig Mel his leg was as thick as my two combined honestly I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Oh and not to mention my ribs should be inside my lungs right now but there is nothing. My face is busted but my ribs are not I don’t understand that.” I tell her everything.
She just looks at me almost as if she’s guilty of something. I narrow my eyes at her “what do you know that I don’t know?” I ask accusingly and she sighs “look I will fill you in once we get home.” I shake my head “no tell me now Mel. You don’t even blink when I tell you things are going crazy and you look guilty and just What Is going ON.” The lights smash and I squeal and jump and Mel just sits there as if this happens all the time.
I start breathing short and fast this concerns Mel but she knows what’s happened and knows what to do. She takes my hand and puts it on her chest and she puts hers on mine in the same spot “slow down and breathe with me.” I nod my head and follow her lead. Deep breath in hold it and deep breath out. I repeat this a few times until they happen on their own and I’m calmer “I’m sorry and thank you” I say softly.
“Have you been having them often? The panic attacks that is.” She asks with concern and I shake my head “no” I say softly “okay well all that is happening to you is what’s meant to happen. You have powers Ray and you were born with them. Your legacy is to destroy some very evil people. I’ll get into more detail later but I’m a healer. I was brought up getting told the stories and how one day I might have to protect you. Though I was told you weren’t even in this country. Sorry off track. I have powers just like you but more healing and I practice the healing magic that’s why your ribs are healed. Those pills I gave you were sugar pills, placebos. The gel is a homemade remedy to help smaller pains but I needed that so I could touch you and use my magic. I only half healed you before you took off but when you came back worse, you collapsed and I bought you in here and I healed you fully on the inside.” I look at her with a blank expression not sure how to take it. Then I burst out laughing.
She sits up straight and crosses her arms “you’re funny. Magic and fighting evil” I smack my leg as I continue laughing “Raven!” Mel says my name in a tone that makes me stop and look at her “are you serious?” I ask. She gets up and grabs her phone. She opens the camera and shows me my face and I frown as I see the cuts and swelling. It’s going to look horrible tomorrow. “What am I looking at? I know I was a dick I shouldn’t have gone.” I say not sure what she wants me to say.
She stays quiet and puts her hand on my face. She closes her eyes, my face feels a little tingly and I look in the camera. My eyes widen and he removes her hand. I stand up and touch my face. “It’s gone.” The pain was gone “how?” And Mel smirks “magic.” I sit down as shock takes over. “I’m tied can we go home please?” I ask.
She pulls me in for a hug “sure sweetie. Let’s go.” I get up and follow her to her car. I get in the front passenger and just look out the window. The drive to my place is silent besides the radio playing. We pull up and I get get out “do you need help or do you want me to wait here?” She asks and I can hear how concerned she is, I give her a small smile “I’m okay. You wait here.” I say and I go up stairs.
I pack a bag for the night and I reach up on top of my fridge for some sleeping tablets but I found something better. I put it in my pocket and lock up. I get down to the car and throw my bag on the back seat. “Okay let’s go.” I say with a small smile. I still don’t know what I’m meant to think about all of this magic stuff. It’s too overwhelming.
What is it?
I smile but is it real or is it fake?
Is it there out of habit?
I hurt so much but there is happiness.
Is it real or is it fake?
I don’t know anymore.
Locked in boxed in,
Scream and shout and still no escape.
Getting swallowed whole by the dark.
At first I fought to escape,
It hurt more.
So I willingly surrender,
In hopes it makes it happy,
And hurt less in the end.
I want peace but what is peace?
It’s a bright new world part 5
“Gahhhh” I groan as I wake. My head is absolutely killing me, sharp shooting pains all through my body but mainly my ribs and my head. I pull the blanket off my face, and I’m hit with the smell of jasmine and even though I’m in a lot of pain my body tenses up and I lift my blanket up. ‘Slowly does it’ I think to myself. I don’t see anyone in my bed and I sigh with relief ‘thank god’ but I spoke too soon. I feel the blood leave my face and painfully move to the side of my bed, then grab a small trash can and my insides are no longer inside. I heave and tears fall as there is so much pain in my ribs “what the fuck happened last night?”
I get up walk over to my kitchen which isn’t far at all. I live in an open apartment, my bed is placed near the kitchen. Once I reach the mint colored meg refrigerator, I reach painfully to the top and pull down a box full of painkillers and other medications. It’s my makeshift first aid box. I pull out painkillers take them with some milk.
I go to the bathroom, turn the hot water on in the shower, take my shirt off and gasp as I see in the mirror the mixture of blue, purple and black spread across my rib cage. I finish getting undressed and turn some cold water on so I don’t burn myself. As the hot steaming water hits my back I close my eyes and try to remember anything but nothing, all I remember was needing a drink and trying to play pool with a few faceless guys. I slam my hand against the wall out of frustration “AHHH why can’t I remember?”
I struggle as I get dressed but I do it. Lucky it’s just my black ripped skinny jeans with a single, that has an animated girls face sucking a lollipop and my leather jacket. I slip my black combat boots on I’m just glad I’m lazy and have the laces so they are just loose enough to slip on and off with ease. As I start to walk out the door I feel the effects of the pills starting to work.
The walk to work was slow but I get there - I look at my watch to see if I’m late or early and I grimace 15 minutes late. “Shit”, I say as I walk through the door. “RAVEN” Mel yells out my name and I pout like a scolded child and I head straight for the kitchen knowing what’s to come next. As I walk past the counter she stops me by putting her hand out and me walking into it, causing me to hiss in pain and jump back as her hand hit my ribs.
“Jesus Ray, are you okay?”
I look at her, holding the tears back. Besides my aunt, she is the only one I have issues with hiding my emotions. I shake my head and walk to the kitchen. As soon as I hear the kitchen door shut, I carefully lift my shirt and turn. One tear slips my eye and Mel is right next to me in a flash.
“I don’t remember anything. I have no memory at all except going to a bar and I only had a few shots” Mel gives me a look of ’don’t lie to me.
“Mel I’m serious, you know I can handle my drinks. I went into the bar to drink away the fact that freaky things are happening to me, and I don’t understand what its all doing or if I’m going crazy. But I never ever lose my memory ever, no matter how drunk I get. I remember everything. But Mel, I don’t remember anything after getting up to play pool with these guys.”
I say as a soft flow of tears falls from my eyes.
“I’m scared” I whisper softly.
Mel gently hugs me, kisses my forehead and says “Everything will be okay I promise just stay in here.” She walks out of the kitchen. I turn and find the chair in the corner and sit. Mel comes back ten minutes later. “Here take these” she hands me two white pills. I shake my head.
“Mel I can’t, I took two painkillers before I got here” she gives me a stern look and says “Shut up and take them, it won’t affect the pills already taken and they won’t harm you or put you in harm's way. I need you to take them to activate the cream I’m going to rub on your ribs.”
She puts the pills in my hands and gets me a bottle of water.
“Take your jacket and top off please and before you say anything no one is here I closed up the shop.”
She switches the TV on and sits down on her knees in front of me. I do as I am told and she helps as I struggle a little “What is this cream?” I take the pills “it’s just something that’s been in my family since forever.” She smiles and presses down on my ribs and I hiss again.
“Jesus fuck Mel this better work because for once I don’t want to be touched by a gorgeous woman.” I groan and lean my head back looking at the roof. I hear Mel chuckle.
“Okay well, at least you still have your wit about you. You sh..” she hesitates a little making me frown and look at her “You should start to not feel the pain in like 5 minutes it should start to feel tingly now” I nod my head yes.
“It’s actually starting to go away now, how did you do that?” I ask as this isn’t normal.
“Okay there is some numbing gel in this cream but that’s not what’s going on that we need to talk. Come sit out here with me please, I’ll talk while you eat.” I frown and I start to get really nervous.
I get up, put my clothes back on and go to the sink to wash my face and that's when I hear the TV “Local small town man confessed to drugging and assaulting women. There were no charges against him but women have been coming forth since this morning saying it’s true. Guilt finally ate.....”
I look at the screen and see his face. Flashes from last night him being a dick and hitting on me after I said no. Him buying drinks and following me down the hallway and it’s all black again. I don’t remember what happened next. I start hyperventilating and fall back onto the bench making a loud sound marking Mel to run back in and over to me.
“Raven breath, look at me.” She cups my face “Breath baby, breath. Shit you’re bleeding” she grabs my hand and I run out. I run and run, and run, and I don’t stop until I reach the bar. I breathe a little and I walk in.
I look around it’s a mess “We’re closed and won’t open until it’s fixed. Please leave.” The bartender says he’s not the one from last night he’s older and has short hair, not like man buns.
“What happened here? Can you tell me what happened please it’s important?” He shakes his head.
“I have no idea just told to cl...”
"Bathroom, I need your bathroom.” my stomach is wanting to empty everything. His eyes widen.
“No you can’t, they are ruined. Are you okay ma’am you’re pale.”
I run out not even answering him. I look around and see an ally, I go down and don’t even make it past the dumpsters when I vomit. Once I stop heaving, I wipe my mouth and lean against the wall.
“Well well well look what we have here. I told you she would be back for more.” I look to the creepy voice. It sends shivers down my spine “You’re going to pay for what happens to our boy last night. You and your friend really fucked up.”
I start to panic, there are three of them. One scrawny guy smaller than me, one a little bigger and, well... one overgrown toddler man. I walk backward but my back is met with a wall. The smallest comes at me, punches me in the jaw busting my lip. I dodge the next few throws and I’m getting angry. Really angry. I throw a right hook, knocking him out. The medium dude kicks me in the stomach and I hear a crack and instant pain. I cry out in shock knowing my ribs were definitely broken this time. As I’m trying to get back up the big guy comes at me and fear fills my body, I jump up and I kick with hopes of knocking him on his ass like in the movies. But I kicked his leg and it broke so easy like a small stick you would use to roast marshmallows.
I stand in shock and disbelief that I did that. Next thing I know there is a fist in my face knocking me on my ass. “HEY WHAT'S GOING ON?” The three guys from last night help each other get away and the guy who called out is the bartender. I’m helping myself up and he gets closer “Stay away from me,” I say scared I’ll hurt him, but he doesn’t listen “It’s okay I’m here to help...” “GO AWAY” I yell and he falls on his ass and slides backwards. It wouldn’t hurt him bad just shock him, but it scares me and I get up and run. I find the corner and bump into someone big “I’m sorry” I say and keep running. I run back to Mel, and as I reach the front door I pass out.
As I start to wake, the smell of jasmine hits my nose again and my eyes pop open and I see Lily sitting next to me as well as Mel “You?” I frown and sit up. I look down and hold my stomach it doesn’t hurt, my ribs don’t hurt either. My hand goes to my lips “Ouch” I hiss that’s definitely busted “What the heck is going on?” I ask as I start to freak out.
“I could ask you the same thing. Where on earth did you go? And what the fuck happened to you. You had me worried sick. Jesus Raven, you could have died.” Mel says with tears running down her eyes.
“ I’m so sorry Mel.” I look at Lily “Were you at my house last night?” I ask part of me knows she was but I don’t remember. I take Mel’s hand and I make her sit next to me and lean into her. She wraps her arms around me tight.
“There’s a lot I need to tell you,” says Lily.
Letting go of your happiness when you are no longer their happiness. I love you.
You don’t have to be scared girl, I ain’t playin no games, I read you cover to cover and I love every page.
I‘ll stand by your side, baby sign me up for life, no chance I’m ever changing, you feel the same yeah, I love you from the inside, you don’t even have to try, forever is a waist of time if you ain’t gonna be mine.
I couldnt pick just one line. The whole song speaks to me and moves me.
A bright new world part four
I start to stir awake. I pull the blankets up under my chin as I feel a cool breeze in my room. I don’t remember opening a window but I’m too tired to get up and look. I groan as I can’t get comfortable anymore and I roll over onto my stomach. Somethings not right, I open my eyes and scream. ‘Umph’ I fall on to my bed with a thud. I jump up off of the bad panicking. My hands touching every inch of myself as I start breathing fast. My aunt comes rushing into my room.
“What happened Ray? You’re white as a ghost.”
She asks as she walks over and wraps her arms around me. I can’t form any words and just hold onto her with my trembling hands.
“Oh, honey was it a bad dream again? I thought they had stopped”
She asks again full of concern.
No, I was floating in the air “Yyyyeah a bad dream.”
I stutter out. I look over at the time. 11.30pm really it’s not late at all. I pull back out of my aunts hold and smile a small weak smile.
“I’ll be okay, I didn’t mean to wake you I’m sorry. I need to go for a walk and I’ll probably just go home. Thank you for everything.”
I give her a quick hug and kiss her on the cheek. Grab my clothes and go to the bathroom before she could protest. I get dressed with still trembling hands and my mind working overtime.
The lights start flickering and that grabs my attention. I look up and take a deep breath as I get out of my head for a second. I frown, the lights stopped flickering.
“Wind is probably messing with the powerlines again.”
I mumble to myself as I finish getting ready. I walk out of the bathroom and continue downstairs and out the front door, making sure I locked it.
I put my hands in my pockets as I start walking, no destination in mind, just going where my feet take me.
I’m so lost in thought I don’t know how long or far I have gone. The sound of a car horn scares me back into reality.
“I’m so sorry Ma’am”
I say as I run off of the road and into a park. I see a seat and sit down.
“Okay, I’m going crazy. First I can run to the waterfall and not break a sweat or get out of breath. I know I’m a fast runner but I’m not that fast. Then a branch almost falls on me but stops in mid-air then finishes falling once I’m away from it. I sleep for a whole day and then go back to sleep just to wake up floating a good meter off of my bed. No no no no no this is all in my head.”
I get up and start pacing.
“Raven you’re as messed up as your parents say you are. No, I’m not crazy, just crazy things are happening”
I’m busy arguing with myself that I don’t notice the street light flickering until three of them explode. I yelp and look around. I see a few stores, closed, I keep looking and spot a bar.
“Yes, I need a few drinks.”
I head for the bar. I walk in and order 4 shots of tequila and whiskey on The Rocks. The bartender who desperately needs to shave his scraggly beard just looks at me and asks.
“I’m going to need some ID miss.”
I roll my eyes and hand him my ID.
“Here’s the money as well, keep the change. Thank you”
I say as I hand him the money and he gives me my ID back. He places the four shots down and I take them one after the other, no breaks. He looks at me funny and I shot down the whiskey as well as he hands it over.
“Another round thanks”
I say as I feel the warmth fill my body.
“What are you trying to do?”
“It’s none of your business but I’m drinking to forget okay. Isn’t that what most people do?”
I look around not interested in talking. I see a booth in the back corner in the dark. I smile.
“Perfect. I’ll have my drinks sent over there thanks.”
I point to the booth as I start walking over there. I flop down into the seat and get a little head spin. Good! The alcohol is doing its job. This is too much. I put my elbows on the table and rest my face in my hands.
“I need to see someone”
I mumble to myself as I replay everything in my head. It’s driving me nuts. The bartender brings over the drink and shots I ordered again.
“Thanks. Keep them coming.” I mumble out before I take two more shots then sip on my whiskey. I close my eyes and listen to the music playing in the background, letting the alcohol take over.
’Get along while we can
Always give love the upper hand
Paint a wall, learn to dance,
Call your mum, buy a boat,
Drink a beer, sing a song,
Make a friend, can’t we all get along’
The cracking sound of pool balls hitting each other made me jump and open my eyes. I look over at a few guys playing pool and placing bets. I smile, drink the other two shots and get up. With my drink in hand, I walk over with a smug smile on my face.
“Mind if I join? I’ll throw in $20.”
“Sure, why not hot stuff”
I roll my eyes and turn to look at him. Tall and lanky, blonde hair in a man bun. I shake my head because it’s ridiculous.
“Sorry, bud not interested, just call me Ray. I’m here to forget and have fun.”
He smirks and winks at me. I roll my eyes and walk to the other side of the table and place $20 on the pile. I take a sip of my drink and watch until it’s my turn.
“Your turn Princess”
Man-bun says, I groan and take the cue.
“Don’t make me use this on you. Call me Raven or Ray or better yet maybe just don’t talk to me.”
I snap a little and the lights flicker. The other two guys both say “burn”. I finish my drink as he walks over to the bar. I sink a few balls and hand the cue back over.
I jump a little as someone touches my shoulder I turn and see man bun. I internally cringe waiting for his next move.
“Listen I’m sorry Raven, I’m an ass and can’t help it sometimes.”
He hands me a new drink and asks
I sigh and take the drink maybe I was hard on him before.
“Sure, truce. I’m also sorry as well, it’s been one hell of a day”
I chuckle and shake my head.
“More like 48 hours it’s crazy. I will try and be nice if you just treat me like one of the guys.”
He says and I smile and down the whole drink. I turn to the bartender.
“Hey, could I get a round of shots for us four please?”
I ask and he nods his head. I put my cup on the table and take the cue. I try and focus on the ball and notice it’s a little blurry, maybe I should slow down a bit after the next shot. I hit the ball and mess my turn up.
I giggle and get a little light headed. The bartender brings the shots over and we all take it. I get another head spin and feel really funny.
“Mmm....need.....baffroom” I mumble as I get all wobbly. I turn and stumble towards the bathroom. I lean against a table half way there just to recoup.
“This isn’t right.”
I mumble to myself because even though I did drink a lot, fast, I can drink more and not be this affected yet. I push off of the table and make my way to the hallway.
I feel hands on my waist and then I’m pushed against a wall. My heart starts beating fast and I panic.
I try pushing the body away from me but fail.
“You shouldn’t have been such a bitch to me, Raven, teasing me, I know you want me.”
There is venom, darkness and very little emotion in his voice. It’s man bun.
I start breathing heavy as everything starts getting foggy and I can feel my body going numb.
“No, get off”
The lights are flickering and then boom. The lights blow and we are in the dark. He jumps back and that’s when I knee him in the balls. That angered him and he punches me in the Ribs, winding me. I fall to the ground gasping for air. I see a blurred figure and then go unconscious.
To be continued.........
Song is get along by Kenny Chesney
A bright new world part three
As I get finished getting dressed into a different shirt and some workout pants for my hike I put my work clothes into my back pack and put it on. I walk back out and see Mel at the counter sorting out the tip jar. I look over to see if I can see the girl one last time but she’s gone. I sigh a little disappointed and walk over to Mel.
“How well did we do today?” I bite my lip a little and look back at the empty table “Did she say anything before she left?”
I ask hopeful but also regret asking because I know she’s just going to tease me. She looks up and smiles teasingly at me and I roll my eyes.
“You did fantastic like always and oh baby did she talk.” She smirks and winks at me
I frown “Oh god you didn’t. You flirted with her? No you can’t do that.” I cross my arms like a petulant child but holding back a smile.
“You’re only jealous because I never flirted with you when you flirted with me.” She lightly pushed me and I laugh.
“Yeah yeah yeah. Tell me all about it.”
I ask eager to listen.
So she fills me in on everything including how she refused to eat for free. ‘Of course, she is difficult.’ I think to myself.
“So you can have it. You did all the work” she smiles and hands me my tips for the day “you did good kid. Like always.”
“Thanks Mel and She’s getting this money back wether she realises it or not. Did you want me to clean up before I go?”
I ask sweetly and she shakes her head no. We say our goodbyes, she makes me pack an extra bottle of water and I leave.
The weather is perfect today, the sun is shining bright, producing enough heat that works perfect with the slight breeze.
Once I reach the edge of the town and forest I relax. I look up at the sky with closed eyes and soak in the warmth of the sun, I take a deep breath and release it and all my thoughts with it. Well I tried. Some thoughts stayed but I’m still relaxed and ready for this walk.
I tighten my straps on my back pack, plug my headphones in press shuffle on my playlist. I smile and shake my head, my phone playing one of my favourite songs first, Parallel line by Keith Urban.
I walk along the dirt path that’s surrounded by all the green. I breath and push myself to start running faster. I have this new build up of energy. I feel great not even affected yet. I would have at least ran a mile so far. I slow down just to admire my surroundings.
I check my pulse and it’s still normal not as if I have run a mile or two. I frown but shrug it off I feel fine, better than fine actually. I automatically wipe my head of sweat but there isn’t even a drop of it
“what the heck?” I shake my head “maybe I didn’t run as far as I thought.”
I pause my music and just take in my surroundings. Even if it is just Brown and green with some sun. It’s beautiful. I close my eyes and take a deep breath smelling the air, it smells of freshly rained on nature. I can still smell the rain mixed with trees, dirts, animals and just relaxing.
I open my eyes and things drop from the trees and I cover my head but nothing hits me. I look up and see nothing up there. I shake my head again things are getting to weird. I press play on my music and start running again. Unforgettable by Thomas Rhett.
I stop abruptly as I see the waterfall that’s 15 kilometres from the city. That normally take me up to two hours. I check the time on my phone “no way it did not just take me 10 minuets.” I start pacing backwards and forth not understanding what’s going on.
I call my aunt and tell her what’s going on “I think I’m going crazy.”
She laughs “no you’re not going crazy your phone must be playing up. Remember you dropped your phone in the bath tub when washing the young one. Don’t be such a worry wort. You’re healthy as and your mind is sharper than my kitchen knives. You’re not crazy. Actually you choose to run for fun so maybe you are crazy.” She says jokingly.
I sigh and just agree and not think about it. “Thank you I’ll be over for dinner tonight save me some please. Love you and I’ll talk to you later.”
We say our goodbyes and hang up. I take my bag off and hide it in a shrub. I take my shoes and socks off and place them near the edge of the water and put my music on loud so I can hear it. I start singing along to Josh Turner- Your man.
“Baby, lock the doors and turn the lights down low. Puts some music on that’s nice and slow. Baby we ain’t got no place to go. I hope you understand.”
I sing along just as I jump into the water. The water was cool and fresh. It’s clear and hardly touched from the world around it. Hardly anyone comes up here so it’s clean and smells amazing.
I have been swimming for at least half hour I should get going it’s a long walk out. I swim to the edge, climb out and smile wide feeling relaxed. I take my top off and ring it out making sure any excess water is gone and than I put it back on and do the same with my pants.
I put my socks and shoes on, grab my phone and grab my bag. Once I have everything on right I put my headphones on and listen too Get to you by Michael Ray.
I decide to walk the track this time I don’t need any more crazy.
“Somebody had to hurt you bad, for you to give up like that. Somebody had to break your heart in two, but that ain’t me and you”
I sing the last of the song and before the next song I hear creeping and the a big crack. I stop and look up, I scream and put my hands up to cover my head. My eyes are shut tight and when nothing happens I look up and
“what the fuck?”
The branch is just floating there. I quickly move out from under it. I put my hands down and it falls. I close my eyes and take a deep breathe “in 5.......out 5” I exhale. I repeat this a few times and ignore it all and walk along.
A few more kilometres down the track and I smile. I see flowers that I missed on the way in. I’m not sure how I missed these beautiful white and blue flowers. I pick them enough for a bouquet.
Once I get to my aunts I walk in and find a vase, place them inside it with some water and go straight to her liquor cabinet. I pull out the vodka and a glass, I fill it about half way, at least 2 inches, and chug it down. I fill the cup and do that three more times before my aunt walks in.
“hey hey hey what are you doing? Where is my glass and why are we drinking?”
She asks with a smile. I just look at her and shake my head.
“I almost died. A tree branch fell and just missed me. But then I found these beautiful flowers, I was hoping you would tell me what they were.”
I pointed to the flowers and she just looks at me in shock then grabs my face and starts checking my body for any damage. She pulls me in for a tight hug.
“You can’t just tell me something like that then expect me to just tell you about the flowers.”
She slaps me on my arm and I rub it.
“Ouch what was that for?”
“You went swimming again in your clothes instead of swim wear or just taking your pants off.”
She scolds me and I roll my eyes playfully
“I buy my clothes and they are thin and fine with the water and I’m not going to swim in my underwear what if I’m in the water and some perv comes along. Or just some poor innocent person walks along and sees me? Not everyone agrees I have a nice ass”
I smirk as I joke. Then I look at the flowers
“Please can you tell me what they are. I don’t remember seeing them on my walk in but then there they were on my way out. I have never seen them before and they are so beautiful.”
I walk over and touch them delicately. She walks over and with a smile
“That is a blue heart Lily.”
I freeze a little and think ‘really another lily? Come on. Raven get your mind off of the girl. She’s not even interested in you anyways’ I roll my eyes at myself and turn to my aunt
“I’m starving. What’s for dinner?”
“Well you’re a little late kids are at the table in dinning room now so you don’t need to serve it. Just come sit with us and eat your tacos.”
My eyes widen and my stomach growls
“Chicken?” I ask as I run into the next room “yes” I see the chicken and sit at my chair. Everything goes a little dizzy as the vodka does it’s magic. My aunt walks in laughing.
“Hey you little devils how was your day?”
I ask them as I dig into my food. They all talk telling me their stories and adventures of the day. I smile at them lovingly. Once we finish I send them up to bed and kiss them goodnight. I clean up the mess and go sit on the couch. Feeling a little light headed and nauseous but not enough to actually vomit. Just a little reminder to say hey remember that vodka you drank.
“I’m going for a shower I’ll be back down soon.”
My aunt says and I kick my shoes off and lay down. Before I know it I’m asleep.
I jump slightly as I wake “I’m sorry” I yawn and stretch “I dozed off. I’ll go shower then jump into bed.” I look over at my aunt sitting in the chair next to mine. She looks at me with a frown
“You have slept for like 24 hours. Are you okay?”
She sounds worried but I laugh
“Yeah right. Nice one.”
I pick up my phone and see the time and date
“Oh shit. Why didn’t you wake me? Mel’s going to kick my ass I missed work.” I get up panicked.
“Hey calm down it’s okay I called in for you. I tried multiple times to wake you. I even tipped water on you. I wasn’t too worried you did this a couple of times when you were little.”
I frown a little and rub my neck.
“Okay thank you. Sorry I freaked out on you. I know I’m a grown woman and it’s my own responsibility to wake up. I’m going to go for a shower then go to bed. I’m still a little tired.”
She nods and I walk off to the bathroom upstairs. I shower and freshen up. I go to my bedroom here, I grab my sketch book and pencils and start drawing as I’m not really tired at all.
It’s two woman battling. One with her back towards me so you can’t see her face. She’s shooting electricity through her hands at another girl, right at her heart. The spark is so bright I can’t see the girls face either. It’s placed in the medieval times because of their dresses that they are wearing.
An hour or two has passed and I am tired again so I pack everything up and go to bed ready for a new day to begin.
Parallel line by Keith Urban
Unforgettable By Thomas Rhett
Your man by Josh turner
Get to you by Michael Ray
These are some that are in the play list that were not listed.
In case you didn’t know by Brett Young
Mercy by Brett young
Tequila by Dan and Shay
Singles you up by Jordan Davis
Broken halos by Chris Stapleton
Ain’t coming home by Casey barns
Heaven by Kane brown
For the first time by Darius Rucker
Bush party by Dean Brody
Okay m going to stop here lol too many good songs.
I’m sorry it took a while to get this chapter out. I’ll try and move my ass next time.
A bright new world part two
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
I groan, as my alarm wakes me from yet another dream that did not have a happy ending...if you know what I mean. I reach around looking for the offending item under my pillow, my fingers find the rectangle object that continues to screech until it is pulled out from hiding and my finger finds the stop button. I smile softly as I relax without the noise piercing my ears.
I roll onto my back and sigh softly as my eyes open for the day. I get up like every other day but today is a little different. I’m a little frustrated and I can’t seem to get this girl out of my head. Lilly, she’s tall, she’s fierce, that smirk, wow that smirk, but her eyes they captivated me. They felt so familiar but I have never met her before, I would remember her if I did. I’m living proof of that right now, she has been stuck in my head day and night. I see something and I think ‘oh I wonder if she would like that’ or ‘what does she look like when she wakes up’. She’s taken over my life and I don’t care. If you go through my small sketchpad you would think I were crazy, I start to draw and next thing I know it’s her, or part of her.
I get to work a little late as my morning run went a little longer than usual, well that’s what I told my boss. I wasn’t going to tell her I was doing extra activities in the shower and still not have a happy ending because my Aunt called. Even as frustrated as I am I still have a smile on my face as I smell the coffee in the air along with something sweet.
“Today is going to be a good day...please”.
I say to myself as I walk into the kitchen and start getting all the ingredients out. I’m making my Aunt’s lavender and honey cake. Between you and me, I don’t like it, lavender in a cake? Yeah, I know people use rose, okay, I just don’t like lavender. But I make it perfectly because my Aunt had me baking it as soon as I could sit up on my own. She had me sat on the bench as she told me, step by step on what to add and do. My first word was ‘egg’.
“Raven you know you don’t have to call and tell me you’ll be late to work, you come an hour early before it’s meant to be opened and you do all this. That’s why I chose you to be the manager. You go above and beyond like you
own the joint.”
My boss says as she walks in and washes her hands before she stands next to me and watches. I look at her and smile.
“I love this place and I love you, you gave me a chance at 15 and I made a hell of a lot of mistakes yet I’m still here. This place is like a home away from home.”
She pats my shoulder and goes to the office. A few hours later I’m out front, tidying up and I can’t help but listen in to these peoples conversation. I have tried blocking them out, but I all my brain does is focus on them and block everyone else out. It’s between a lady I would say in her mid 30’s and a lady perhaps in her early 20’s. I’m sure others are listening as well and if they’re not listening they can feel the tension.
“So how are you with children?”
“I’m very gentle and caring, but I don’t mind a little spanking myself.”
“And is that listed as one of your special talents?”
“If you do it right, then yes.”
“Tell me now, do you think obedience is an important thing when taking care of children?”
I can feel my face getting red as my frustrations get worse. You could practically hear them smirking and undressing each other with their eyes.
“At times yes, however, I have different tactics when dealing with, hard situations.”
“Is that so?”
I’m grateful my back is to them, my face is red enough. I couldn’t handle listening anymore so I turn to walk away but I freeze as my eyes land on hers, Lilly’s. I drop the plate by accident and it goes silent as everyone’s eyes are on me. but all I can focus on was her, how does she know I work here?
DID she know I worked here? How is it we are meeting again? All these questions are running through my head. She waves a small wave and I’m still frozen not moving, not breathing, but then she gives me a small smile and I smile back as then, I take a deep breath finally free from the frozen spell.
I blush brightly and start to clean up.
“Ray are you okay?”
I look up at my boss and nod my head yes.
“Yeah Mel, just a case of butterfingers is all.”
“Butterfingers my ass, who is that cutie that has you in a mess like this? In all the years I have known you, you have been like this once and that girl broke your heart just like you broke that plate.”
She laughs softly and I glare at her for even mentioning the last person. She puts her hand on my shoulder as she crouches down next to me.
“It’s different, I don’t know how but it just is. There is something about her. Gahh what am I saying, I don’t even know her. Well, I know her name and that’s it.”
She shakes her head and laughs at me.
“Go serve her.”
My eyes bug open “What?”
“Go serve her, that’s your punishment for breaking my plate.”
She smirks and I get up dusting off my apron. I take a deep breath and walk over to the til to grab my order notebook and pen. I take a few steps over to her table and smile.
“Hello and welcome to Wake and shake. And before you ask, yes I feel as ridiculous as it sounds to say that. What could I get you today?”
I smile sweetly at her as she leans back and lifts a single brow.
“Well, your rosy cheeks will do for starters, but that won’t suffice my hunger.”
My jaw drops and I can’t believe what I just heard. My mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. Its moments like this I wish I didn’t have my hair up in a braid so I could look down and hide my blushed cheeks. She smirks that damn smirk and I shake my thoughts out into words.
“I... I... I umm”.
I clear my throat and start again.
“I recommend the Lavender and honey cake, even though I don’t eat it, I just make it perfectly and it’s our best seller. But if you’re looking for something savory I suggest the chicken and avocado burger. Okay, you can tell me to shut up now.”
I rambled on and on like a nervous 15-year-old in front of her crush. Mel is so going to pay for this. I divert my eyes to my notepad and write at the top ‘on the house-Mel’. She taps on the table making me jump a little and
I bring my eyes back to her.
“Oh no, keep going. you’re doing just fine, what else do you recommend?”
I silently groan as she basks in my awkwardness.
“I umm, gahh this is embarrassing because you know my name...”
I close my eyes and sigh before I continue.
“There is a meal called ‘the flavor of Raven’”. But I only recommend that if you’re hungry, hungover or well if you just like food. It includes chicken nuggets, curly fries, a mini chicken and avocado burger, bacon, eggs and
any sauce you want and a side of pancakes with a drink of your choice.”
“How interesting...Well, as much as I would like to experience ‘the flavor of Raven’ first hand...”
She smiles at me before looking at the menu, and I’m glad she does because I blush again and I bite my lip.
“I would like to pick for myself, let’s see. I would like to have one of those chicken avocado things you mentioned, double fries....pancakes with honey, scrambled eggs with toast, and a piece... no, make that two pieces of the lavender honey cake. And to drink, I would like some orange juice and... hmmm, just water, I am watching my weight.”
With a dropped jaw and shocked mind my eyes follow her hand as she moves it down her body as if to make a point.
“Oh trust me your body is great”
My eyes pop out as I realized I said that out loud.
“Oh gosh, I’m sorry. Your order will be out here soon.”
I turn and walk away before she can say anything else. I feel her eyes on me as I walk off and I think I hear a chuckle come from her as well but I don’t chance a look I just keep going until I’m in the kitchen. Mel walks in
“Oh, Raven that was really something. I like her.”
I glare at her and then smirk.
“Good because her meal is on the house. She doesn’t even know that and she ordered enough food to feed an army.”
“Oh, says the girl who eats this place out of stock when drunk or hungover?”
She crosses her arms and stares at me with this weird look. I cook Lilly’s meal and start to bring it all out to her.
Once I bring the last plate out and her glass of water and juice just in case, I stand there and smile.
“If you need anything just ask.”
I say sweetly before I walk back to the counter.
To be continued..................