my life was a line. a straight and narrow path, all i had to do was take one step at a time and id reach paradise. paradise was the end goal. paradise has shattered, and i see the broken pieces glittering on the sidewalk of the straight and narrow, beauty hidden in seeming darkness. I chase after hope, one step at a time. closing doors behind me, i push forward. I change. I grow, and the world is a stained glass window
you paint the sky in colors i didn't know existed
pinpricks from stars bloody our fingers but i guess that's just life
living and loving and feeling and sharp
and im going to forget about this if i dont post it
the first day, it flickered on the table.
i smiled. a thoughtful gesture, perhaps?
the second day, it glowed as we ate.
the candle shrank, and vanished, and was replaced
by yet another.
it made them happy.
do not let yourself be defined by what you are, but by what you have yet to become and how you’re going to get there
the downfall of the sky
i know you’re meant to rattle the stars and i can only watch their downfall
This is a piece I wrote in response to a one word prompt over a year ago. I'm not sure if it fits with your prompt, or if I've published it before on Prose, but it was inspired by a woman who used to ride my bus when I was working. She told me a lot about herself and this is what I wrote in her honor.
I know this is a classic story, but I can’t help but tell it again. Because from my point of view, it wasn’t a story, or something to gawk at when a reporter decided it was newsworthy. I worked so hard for this, and the sacrifices were gargantuan. Good God that sounds so trite, over dramatized, and otherwise like I’m trying to make more of it than it was.
So, let me put you in my shoes. I always liked the girly things. Fashion dolls, oh boy, I loved my sister’s Barbie. Mom’s collection of eighteen inch fashion dolls, you know the ones, with their intricate clothes demonstrating what was popular from centuries past. Their gorgeous hats, and the gloves they wore. Undressing them all one afternoon, had me quietly fascinated for over three hours. But it wasn’t such fun when Mom came into the room where she displayed them and found I’d recombined their clothes to accent a 1920’s flapper with an overly flouncy hat from Victorian London.
I thought they were far more interesting the way I had them dressed. But mom, well that’s a whole other story. I couldn’t sit for a week.
“Why can’t you be a normal boy and play with your cars, and build things with the Lego blocks? Annie is pissed with you. Where are all the shoes for her Barbie? Leave her stuff alone!” Every word was punctuated with another smack of the wooden spoon she used equally on each of us. I can’t complain that I didn’t deserve it. Not because I was a boy playing with girl’s things, but because I didn’t respect their things. It took me a while to learn I couldn’t play with whatever I saw. Don’t touch, was my cue to find a way.
Never mind that though. The point was, when Annie started playing with makeup, I was more than happy to be the one she experimented on. I stole her training bra, stuffing it with face cloths, admiring myself in the three way mirror mom used for her clients. She did custom alterations and sewing for ladies all over the neighborhood.
And I salivated over the cute guy on the cover of mom’s romance novels. I dreamed of being the girl he was holding. I couldn’t understand why I was supposed to be interested in cars, rifles, playing cops and robbers with the other boys. Can you tell I grew up in a very traditional place? Of course, you need to understand I’m almost 60 now, and things are so much better for us confused types.
It took me years to understand I wasn’t gay. No, it was in the third round of therapy, when the doc I was seeing asked me, “When you think of sex, and fantasize are you male or female?” that someone finally clued into what was wrong.
“I’m always a girl. I’ve never had sex. It always felt wrong. I’ve tried to kiss a girl, and it turned me off so bad, I had to beg off as if feeling sick from something I ate,” I told him.
“Let’s explore this a little more,” his voice was completely neutral, there was no judgement there. He was a treasure, and when he passed away, I was so proud to stand in my black dress and high heels at the edge of his grave. To throw my rose on his coffin when his family buried him, and say a prayer, thanking God for this enlightened man, who was a triumph of all the compassion he’d shown me during our long association.
I ended up telling him about cross dressing as a teen. Halloween was my favorite day of the year. I had pictures from the time I was eight. Mom had them in my album. I was the best looking girl. I was the princess, the white witch, fairy queen, and in high school, the guys at the dance, didn’t figure out who I was until one of them tried to get too cozy, and found out the hooker wasn’t a girl.
The disturbing notion that I wasn’t in the right body, didn’t surface until head shrinker number three, started digging into my feelings and confusion in an in depth session of visits when I was in my thirties. That first question, about my fantasy life opened a torrent of misery.
Sex changes were in the very early stages of development. Did I want to try it, and did I want to go through hormone therapy to grow my own boobs, or get implants? Since I hated my gross beard, which I had to shave three times a day to keep the five o’clock shadow away, and I was hirsute enough to be very obviously male. Hormones were the right choice. I loved the changes.
I grew breasts and lost the beard. I like to imagine what I went through was somewhat like puberty for a girl. Which looking back, I envied Annie to death for having the body I should have had. I love her to death, she never ever thought of me as weird even when she helped me with my makeup. She was the one who found size 13 high heels for me.
Don’t ask me what I went through trying to explain it to dad. “You have a cock and balls, get used to it, boy.” I can still hear the disgust. He never hugged me again, he wouldn’t even let me hold his hand when he was dying.
I moved to Europe. My psychiatrist put me in contact with a clinic that was working on developing a surgical procedure for transforming sexually misplaced psyches into the correct body. To put it bluntly, changing males to females on the exterior, to match what their brains have always known. It wasn’t smart to make it that obvious way back then.
I was part of so many firsts. I warn anyone one who is in the same boat as I was, make sure you have a true expert in the field if you want to go down this road. I swear some of the clinics out there are merely trying to mutilate us and say you got what you deserve. I’m sorry, what kind of attitude is that? I’m no less human than you are.
Why this confession? I’m going to my high school reunion. I wonder if anyone will recognize good old goof off, Graham Oakley as Gail Aniston? I always loved Jennifer Aniston’s looks, and believe it or not, I wrote to her, asking if she would be offended if I used her last name for my new one. I was curious about what she might think. That as I’ve said before, is a whole other story.
I’m a comfortably curvaceous woman now. You’d never tell me from dozens of other grandmothers. Forty pounds or so overweight, enough muffin top, that tight jeans are not a good idea, I’ll put on a loose fitting silk gown. I’ll wear the heels, and bring the perfectly accessorized costume jewelry, purse and yes, hat. I’ve always had a thing for the outlandish hat.
The color will match my eyes, my hair, now a thick fall of black with startling silver streaks, will be loose over my shoulders. It’s my best feature. Exactly curly enough to lay in waves and show off deep blue highlights from the reflections of the inevitable Disco Ball which would be in the center of the dance floor. Disco was all the rage when we were in school.
I am me now. A woman. I don’t care if I ever have a lover or get married. I could remain single now that I’m true to what I know. Thank you to all those who believe God doesn’t always get it right. Thank God is all I can say. Thank God I can say no to searching for ways to fit into the normal cage my father constructed for me.
You ask about mom? She admitted to me, the other day, she knew there was something wrong. But she never put a finger on it, and truly accepted it, until she saw me at my sister’s second wedding as her matron of honor. She said there was a rightness about it, she should have seen in all those pictures from Halloween’s past. She hugged me, and said, “Please change your middle name to my maiden name. I’d like to have some piece of me, in your new life.”
I am Gail Anne Smith Aniston. And if you have questions about my transformation, I’ll answer them. Blogging is part of my new way of life. Helping others who have been trying to find their way through the land mines of sex change is my mission.
Love you all.
Ode to a Friend
The world told you women were weak.
So you went and stayed strong.
The world told you only money makes the world go round.
So you went and quit your job to raise a family.
The world told you men are assholes.
So you went and loved the kindest one you could find.
The world told you children need a better education.
So you went and homeschooled them because you realized the educational system sucks.
The world told you white people were racist assholes.
So you defended the right to base our opinions of people on their personality traits and acknowledge that people are products of their environment.
The world finally called you a Troll.
So you went and wrote a beautiful book on how to be a better fucking Troll.
To my fellow troll EstherFlowers1 - for teaching ME how to be a better fucking troll :) I'll always love you, dear teacher/mentor/mother/mediator/friend
The hero's head was pounding
the world spinning
muted crowds of thousands chanted his name
and the villain lay at his feet.
he would've enjoyed it
he would've cheered with the newly freed masses
his tears might've been with joy instead of sadness
but he could not tear his eyes from the girl.
The girl in the front row
five, maybe six years, he thought.
her wrist was tightly enclosed by the hands of another
a gruff man who did not smile.
they weaved through the shifting crowd
and when the girl tried to pull away,
the hero could hear the fist hit her small face, even through the clapping.
The hero bolted to save the girl
but she was gone, a nameless face in the crowd.
it seemed the hero had saved the city,
but he could never save a single one
Let us be rain kissed;
not sun kissed.
On Appreciation of Apples
Lemons are lemons.
Everyone gets them
in return for loving
trying so hard to please
hoping for accolades
You can’t change that
you can only change your expectations
and accept things as they are
when life gives you an apple.