Not About Racing
My mind races, so I drive fast,
they wave checkered flag for a checkered past,
taking victory laps, for always placing last,
I know, I'll still find a way to crash,
was that my life or a camera, I just saw a flash,
bowed my head, too late,
BAM, felt the crack,
...Hawaiian belly dancer flies off the dash...
The car spins, I grin, it feels like a win,
race track in the sky, air bag hitting chin,
stuck in the belt, but climbing out the skin,
start running from the scene, as C-P-R begins,
all in slow motion like I am meant to suffer,
It's a lifestyle that comes, when you're out burning rubber,
trying to earn heart like Earnhardt, as demons all hover,
that's how ford explorers leave a lot of road undiscovered.
Whatever You Name This Place
Please read this, at the end, name this place. I think a lot of people have stood in this very spot. Yes, maybe with a different scenery but in this spot. I've been standing on this gameboard and I've been on "START" for many years. I know what direction I want to go, that is clear. If I look right, all I see is complete darkness. It looks like I could walk in pitch black for hundreds of miles and still be in total darkness. If I look left, there's a big glass window almost like a screen. Through it I watch and I see a room. It's just a regular living room that you would see in any house. I can see through the living room and into the kitchen. In the kitchen doing the dishes, there is a woman singing a hymn. I've always been a sucker for women that can sing. With every note I fall more and more in love with her. Then she turns around and I see how beautiful she is. Does she see me staring? She's looking at me like she sees me. Her eyes glance down and back up. I look down and I see she is pregnant. Is that my child? This is where I need to go! This is where I need to be! I need to be there, with her, with them. Another window appeared next to that one. This one showed my parents. They look a little older than they are in real life. I'm taken back by mom's gray hair and dad's wrinkled face. This time I am certain that they saw me. Mom asked me how the kids are and I said I don't have kids. She went on some story or complaint about dad watching some tv show she hates. Then she finished with "how are the kids doing?" I didn't have the heart to tell her a second time I don't have kids. I simply replied "they're good mom." Dad, with a weak voice said, "of course you have kids and a beautiful wife. Son, I’m proud of you. We love you, talk to you later." Proud of me? did he not see the darkness behind me? Like I said, I know what direction I'm supposed to go. I try to take a step from "START" toward the windows. However, immediately I feel weighed down. When I say weighed down let me explain. I feel like I have cinder blocks on my ankles along with shackles and handcuffs. I look down to see why I can't move. Instead of cinder blocks, I'm stuck in a pile of fast food. Yep, cheeseburgers, fries, desserts, sodas, and etc. the whole way to my knees. I turn and take a step to the right instead. I'm finally off of "START." This isn't so bad. When I take a few steps more I turn around. I can see "START" way off into the distance along with the windows on the other side. They too look small now. It's weird. When I walk into the darkness it's like a full sprint into the darkness. I'm taking deeper breaths as reality sets in. My anxiety is in full swing. I start walking just to keep my mind off of things. I stop in complete darkness. The starting point and windows are not in sight now. I hear something. Is that moaning? An attractive female appears, I try to walk over to her. The closer I get the more pleasure I feel and I start moaning. I reach out to touch her and I climax. As I climax, she vanishes and I immediately realize I'm still in the darkness alone. I turn around to run back to the gameboard. Now, I really am sprinting but can't see it anywhere. I don't even know if I'm going the right direction or anything. I stop, I'm out breath, and I can't breathe. I'm starting to panic. "It's about time you come see me you dumb, lazy, piece of shit." I see a man in a white coat. It's a doctor. He listens with his stethoscope. "You waited too long! You’re a fat, unhealthy, waste of space. You're dying and there's nothing we can do at this point. You will have to see this heart doctor on the 6th of March. Don't forget the neurosurgeon appointment on the 6th of April. Oh, and come back to see me again on May 6th."
That didn't help my breathing and anxiety issue. I'm pacing back and forth. God only knows how many miles I walked in the little area. God! He can help! I start praying! Please, help me God. SAVE ME! Music starts playing. I know what that song is. I heard it many times in my childhood. That's Mario Bros. I sit down and started playing. I got so zoned out on it I totally forgot about everything. Finally, hours later I got bored and put the controller down. Again, I realize I'm still in the darkness. With my mouth dry I picked up and drink and I drank until I wasn't thirsty anymore. That distracted me for a bit. If you're wondering, even complete darkness spins when you're drunk. I hear the same moaning from before and there she was the same girl as last time. I had to be far from where I last saw her. However, the same thing happened. I approached her, climaxed, and she vanished. When she vanishes that's another feeling even deeper in another location to write about another day. Every now and then I pass by a gun sitting on the ground. It's a gun my parents got me for Christmas one year. I know what it's there for. How long until I break? When I break, it will know and it will be there again. With all my secrets looming over me I find a desk. On top of everything I'm going to work and stressing over everything at work. The thing I'm stressing the most about is how to keep my secrets secret. I'm realizing there's no way back to the "START." This is me. I'll never find that love in the glass window, I'll never make my parents proud. It's stress after stress, anxiety attack after anxiety attack. It's porn star after porn star, video game after video game, drink after drink, cheeseburger after cheeseburger, distraction after distraction. If you ask me how that prayer worked out and if God helped me, I'd say, "I don't know. I've been distracted."
Love or Hate
I fantasize that true love prevails,
as she walks down the aisle, I smile,
as my eyes set sail,
but if I got to lift her veil,
it would be comforting to see her in the same ocean.
I had in my head you would fix me and I would fix you. What kind of a relationship is it when you have to bring a hammer?
Peace or Not
I feel like I’m living life with the mark of Cain,
Am I Abel to board the ark when it starts to rain,
No, uh... waters over my brain,
Noah, find me when the water drains,
That dove you sent came and made me his home,
perched on my chest because that’s where he found stone,
That’s how I found peace, I guess peace was too late,
He opened his beak and he picked at his plate.
God have mercy on the soul my demons torment next.
When you know everything that's wrong with you, how to fix it and the want to fix it. Then you feel this mental wall that simply says no.
I left for a journey, on a dirty broken path,
only thing concern me, that none of my bags are packed,
Stopped along the road, met this man dressed in black,
I was movin forward, he was headed back,
he saw that I was worn, been beat up and scratched,
the man told a joke and we both began to laugh,
why you empty handed let me lend you some cash,
here’s a little extra if you wanna add flash,
you’ll need it for girls, I’ll even let you choose,
if you need a little help, then I packed you some booze,
look at her, judge her, I know what you wonder,
those clothes are real nice, but I wonder what’s under,
She’s a blonde haired bomb, I hear her tick too,
best part is, She needs her fix too,
you can thank me later, go have fun with miss who,
then pretty baby asked me can I kiss you?
The day I met the devil, he didn’t have to point his gun,
reached out with his hand, and said let’s go have some fun,
never felt scared, never thought I had to run,
til the day had come, when the bullets stung.
... TO BE CONTINUED...
I love “love” so much, I actually hate it,
I believe in fairy tale, once upon a fate shit,
Saying “I love you” to me, is more than a statement,
I’ve never heard it, but I’ve heard it’s the greatest,
Love has it’s own day, will I celebrate it,
I guess that depends, if I dig my heart from pavement,
If I reach that deep, and down through the basement,
I can show you “love” and the heart it’s engraved in.