Internal Tingle

When I see you coming

the hair on my body ignites

tingles from inside and out

When I see you coming

Every blink becoming slow motion

Soaking me in sweat

When I see you coming

My throbbing heart beats

Devouring nerves with every blink

When I see you coming

Silence enchants the room turning all the voices into whispers

When i see you coming

My desire to be noticed gets swept away by the wind of you walking away

When I see you coming

You came

I exploded

Taken back breathless

I was mesmerized by

Social anxiety

Every argument

I tell him what is the exact cause for my mood, I might have not communicated it the correct way, but I still had valid feelings for how I was feeling.

I bite my tongue while I got up and started my morning, acting like he wasn’t there

I made my coffee, cut some strawberries, washed some blueberries and portioned them out for the twins

Lyra being picky about the kind of cup I was about to give her, apparently he was awake on his phone scrolling.

As I’m about to pour the apple juice with the twins babbling off about the cups they’re about to get I hear his voice creep inside my head.

“ you haven’t gotten them a drink yet?”

Time being 9 am after getting out of bed at 8:45.

Something inside of me awoken to a wave of judgement and dissatisfaction.

It stomped up to him

With a waft of anger behind the full slap of shut the fuck up and get the fuck up I shouted that he could have done it if he was so concerned.

With that staff of anger to his belief it awoken his monster. Penetrating him out of bed as fast as cold iced water running over him.

“ get out of my house right now”

As those seven words poured out of his mouth I shuffled around trying my hardest not to say what I was gonna vomit our next causing more of a monster to come out of the both of us.

I said it.

Around our four year old twins

“Moms getting kicked out again per usual for the past 5 years.”

It came out like projectile vomit.

My ptsd monster came out.

Causing the domino affect that not only tumbles me but everyone around me.

He doesn’t think his actions in the past were harmful.

With a snap of the wrist.

Excusing my ptsd as childhood traumas not fully taking responsibility for adding to it.

An 18 year old shouldn’t be searching for love that was never there for her.

Putting his feelings always a first. Never realizing I was just clenching on for help

For love

For kindness

For quality

For soft words

For support

But the story will never change. He smacked me in the face when I lose control of my words.

He smacked me in the face to “save our four year old”

From me spitting negativity about him

When he’s spits directly in their ears to eat.

When he’s threatened them with his words

When he’s harshly picked them up because they weren’t listening.

When he held our mouths shut

Why am I the bad mom?

Why can’t I have my girls?

Because I’m louder??

Because I have finically became dependent?

Crispy autumn air

Nostalgic thoughts of jumping in the leaves

Seasons greetings arboreal change as quickly as the color of the trees

Euphoric and whimsical breeze whispering coups of superstition into our minds

Lavished in tricks or treats as the night grew sensuous to the October moonlight

You know; we are, all animals, insects, and seed.

Starting out as superstitious to everything, not knowing anything. Eventually evolving into this creature that focuses on one thing. Life.

Absorbing the things we have around us to influence us and feed us with the knowledge we end up using for ourselves.

But Who knows, the true meaning of life no matter how hard you want to search for it.

The “path” we all take, crisscross, go backwards, hit a culdesac or dead end and have to hop on another path until you make, yet another path..

None of us can truly accept the concept of sharing either, even from a young age we are taught, never to talk to strangers or don’t touch whats not yours.

And you know if you can’t share your path, why would’nt one want to start war?

Yet

We’re all so funny, and laughing is the universal love language.

So why can’t we all just literally laugh out loud and roll on our floors laughing

When we are all put into a statistic, category, genre, or section.

We choose to laugh at the comparisons that mask the pain of the unknown confusion behind real self.

Choose to numb the heavy feelings of curiosity thats fueled by jealousy.

Becoming unaware of making a choice.

A choice.

Thats what you’ve been doing, is making choices.

So once you realize you have the choice in any situation,

Will you unlock your true sense of happiness?

Will you be kind? Or greedy?

Will you be compassionate? Or cocky?

Will you be a taker? Or a giver?

Will you be selfish? Or selfless?

Will you chose to go dark, bake in the hot feelings of negativity and anger.

Will you chose to go light, absorb the light like a sponge,be bright enough to only see love

Just know its your choice. So are you going to complain about your life or enjoy it?

I allowed my fears

Too turn into reality

No ones fault but my own

For ignoring my signs

I began to fade away

With every breath I took

Slowly releasing each

warning sign.

From the vague conversations

The desire to show my real

Self got locked away

In a blackout dungeon

Turning my “I’m fine”

Or the biggest lie of all “i am doing great”

Falling into the firey cauldron

Creating the poison

I devoured daily

Making each flashback more vivid

Making a bed of hot rocks to sleep

Losing to the poison after releasing the burning lava in my stomach

Coughing up my fire breath that’s turning everything into an ashy gray standstill

Flurries of guilt, shame, regret and pain on the ground becoming STAGNANT

SUCKING the love & light from the eyes

Each battle my dragon came out in fear.

Trapping my true soul in

the blacked out dungeon

My mind was in a straitjacket

pounding my body against my own walls

RIPPING& TEARING from the inside out

Dying the threads red from the blood of my finger tips in pride to escape

Back in reality

The dragon rampaging throughout my life engulfing my love with it’s hot burning embers

Then one final hot airy breath

I wake up to a humming noise

letting me go from my blacked out dungeon

Blowing the ash away with fresh air from the sky

I cry.

Why.

F O C U S E D

more like blurred.

more like stuck.

more like calling for help but no one can hear you but yourself.

more like having the world move around you while you don't know where to pick up.

sounds like

D I S A S S O C I A T I O N

ah like distancing yourself so far in your own head that every noise begans to fade.

ah like doing the walts with each thought, spinning&twisting into each ones arms like a beautiful salsa.

ah like not knowing which ones to follow or which ones to take lead

letting the fallacious ones take control, leading you into the wild abyss you call your past.

SEEING "O U T S I D E THE B O X"

ah more like being trapped in the box and you only have a peep hole to see.

trying to see "THE B I G G E R P I C T U R E" through squinting eyes

more like broken glasses and old perscriptions

procrastination and missed appointments

debt and credit collectors the only ones to make your phone ring.

and the numbing feeling after tiredlessly pushing everyone you love away with the dirty dance you get trapped into watching from the box in your head with the peep hole you have being the only light to guide the dancers.

R A U C O U S shouts of my little four year olds

harmonizing into one tone to make me snap out of the box

BACK in to NOW seeing the innocences in my toddlers faces flushing the irrartional thoughts to disappear as fast as I felt I was I N V I S A B L E.

#dailythoughts #writing #random #poem #freeverse #words #beauty #mind #happy #relatable

It was a vacation that all my girlfriends and I were waiting for, the trip of a lifetime to be exact! Mary and Jane booked our plane tickets and May and I booked the Island get-away! We were always working, had that stereotypical adult friendship where our schedules were opposite from one another but we all found some way to squeeze each other in the day. We all really wanted to spend some time relaxing and letting go of all the heavy stress load we all gossip about in our daily group chat. From the stress of being a lawyer to the stress of driving all day in a 3 tons of metal all the way to being on our feet all day at the fashion store. The four of us were an odd bunch but our mothers introduced us at a young age all being an only child, having all of us really stuck together like sap from the tree roots our mothers instilled.

Anyways this was a trip of a lifetime for all of us;

We all slept at my house the night before so we could make sure to get on the plane early and get seated together. It felt right, everything was gliding along so smoothly. I had the chance to stop and breathe a few times to be grateful for this moment. We all had talked about traveling together as children under the blanket umbrella with flash lights looking at the newest magazine from Mary's mom, when we were all supposed to be sleeping.

The airline employee started to hollar the gate numbers for the plane, calling out after class and ticket. We all got coach seats, knowing we are on a budget as to why we wanted to get there early to be sure we got seated near each other.

We all got escorted to line up and board the plane, and I ended up getting split up from the three others, they found a row completely empty and all jumped in with enthusiasm to sit together. Mary looked at me and mouthed the words “ sorry “ silently as I continued to look for a seat.

I ended up a couple rows down from my party and sat between this older looking gentlemen with dark sunglasses on, the scent of expensive cologne, and his whole aura of the “ silver fox” kind of men my mom always raved about. Next to him was a quiet petite woman, with long black hair and the tension stiffer then a sweet potato. She looked down the entire time and acted like she wasn’t even there. I tried to follow in her footsteps, thinking she was traveling alone and just did not want the conversation, I thought i could do the same since my friends basically discluded me in the travel part of the trip.

From the moment I sat down I could feel the intensity of his curiosity. I felt the direct burn on the side of my face from his stare through the black glasses, I thought to myself, “why did my friends let me be alone, thinking if this guy wants to talk he’ll end up saying something.”

I ended up breaking my awkward and judgmental thoughts by getting up and using the bathroom, stopping by my friends to see how they were. Jane was going on and on about some guy she met while waiting for her airport coffee, this sophisticated man with mystery to him. “ He came from behind me and insisted on buying my coffee and getting my name!He grabbed me by my hand as i reached for my wallet and stopped me in mid action, He had these dark sunglasses that were on top of his head and oh my gosh was his hair sexy, eyes imbued with my sense of what i was doing.” I stopped her and asked if she got his name, she just mentioned he was on this flight. I make my way to the bathroom with a puzzled look on my face not understanding why, if this was the same man sitting next to me piercing a whole of overthinking on the side of my brain with just a simple stare. I wet my face hoping to reset this funky feeling I have sitting on my shoulders. Then suddenly I hear a knock at the door, its just the flight attendant asking me to go back to my seat soon.

As I walk back through the aisle I feel the heat of my friends wondering what's going on with me. It's not like we didn't already split up the what ifs and what wills the night before preparing us for a stress free vacation. I go to sit down with the thought of just my friends in my head to a feeling of something under my bottom. As I sit back up with a gasp I see the sunglass man's hand move quickly with a grin appearing on his face as quickly as his hand moved. What on earth was he thinking. I give him a dirty stare back and sit in my seat shifting my legs towards the aisle, he grabs my thigh. With the tight grasp, I looked up to him with no sunglasses this time. Before I could make out any words he forced a bundle of money into my front pocket. The silent gesture of his hands and the threatening bribe, I had no idea what to say or do next, just hoping the flight attendant would make her rounds.

He's erratically going up my thighs now and unfortunately I wore shorts, thinking my outfit wasn't so “easy accessible.” with every cell in my body i try to stand up, say i have to go to the bathroom, but the ignorance is so overwhelming. Clenching my wrists with each stand of the knees, pulling me back down to my seat. The pressure was unbearable, POP! Fuck, hes done it. I yell in pain and the attendant runs over, “ are you okay?!” With his foot stepping on mine under the seat tray harder and harder I glup and pull the trays up. “ He's hurting me!, Help!” With one stare from him the flight attendant moves on, “ sorry sweetie, it looks like he's just giving you some attention.” Now that hurt worse than my wrist popping and my toes being crushed by size 10s. It's like everyone else on this plane isn't acknowledging the resistance. I'm trapped in the sky with a man who is a silent abuser. My friends are at the back of the plane, they can't see, but will they believe me?

The flight comes to an end, my tight is slowly loosening up thinking I'm going to be away from this stranger.

SIKE.

The attendant lets everyone go in an orderly fashion, we’re over in the front so i’m waiting for my friends. I thought that I could avoid him once we got off the gate, but he followed my every move. Oddly to my notice the small woman was too, like she was his shadow.

I found a little gap between a wall and a pillar, I think I'm good, pulled out my phone and called my friends but it went straight to voicemails. All of a sudden it gets dark, a tall man with a black suit is standing in front of me. With one of those airport cars behind him and a small crate. I’m weak, I cried for help thinking he was to help, but as soon as i was done speaking he grabbed a bag from his back pocket and put it over my head. I’m getting shoveled in the crate, with every muscle resisting this man is bigger than me by a good 200 pounds.

I end up at the biggest real estate I have ever gone to. It's the silver fox sunglass man.

“What the fuck kind of island did i book?” i think to myself as he continues his infernal fun.

BANG,BANG! WOOP WOOP

The police have showed up, right before he was about to “ put me away for the night”

My friends are standing outside and I'm itching to tell everyone what my first day of vacation was like. Finally the name of the mysterious fox, Jeffery Epstien.

The island we were on, was his, the last woman he wanted to mess with, had backup. Mary did not let an eye off me, figuring out that she was the lawyer in the group she had the hunch when something didn't feel right. I asked her why she didn't do anything on the plane, “ I was waiting to get out of the sky, there's no such thing as sky police.” we both laughed, even though that one experience started my trip, i couldn't let another person's injustice actions affect my plans to destress. It shows to be grateful for what you already have, don’t abuse your power and karma will catch up.

#graditude #smallthings #friends #courage #luck #jefferyepstien #challange #quickwrite

#feelings #fiction #mysterious

Her face is setting like the sun beauty, slowly disappearing as each minute fades.

The circles around her eyes dance around them like the little hand on a clock enamored with age

Each wrinkle becoming diaphanous with every laugh, cry and glib.

Only her eyes stayed ethereal, effulgence and solicitously resplendent with every stare.

If only she could see her veracity beauty.

All she sees is the fractious timeline of each blemish, dark mark and scars of her own temerity

“Though if that woman may be so bold: depression and anxiety can be hard to suss out when you’re the detective and your own head is the case”

Becoming the inspector gadget in half your mind and the surly chief quimby, summoning new leads for your brain to follow. New ideas and inventions to kick start the gears for your overthinking, just so your own child can be niece Penny or dog Brian to help you through your days.