-Rei

One fall night we lay as we often did after a busy day. Enjoying each other’s company with the quiet splashes of rain outside. They were laying over my chest as I played their hair. I could tell they had something on their mind. They seemed to be pondering something. I’d decided to ask about it later but suddenly they popped up and said “You know what? I think I can see a future with you.”

I chuckled at the randomness of the statement, “oh yeah, me too hun.” They smiled and lay back down as we talked of the future, what it would look like, where we’d live, if we were to have kids, and other plans and hopes until we drifted off to sleep.

Weeks later on a cold winter night, I lay alone in a dark room only illuminated only by the screen with a single message reading, “I don’t love you anymore. I’m sorry.”

That night marked the end of a forever thought truly to be everlasting.

It’s been two years now, but I ponder those nights and the days between all too often. Where did we go wrong? Were we ever right? How do you move on from that?

-Rei

Once, it was “One day.”

One day, I’ll be proud of me.

One day, I’ll be able to smile.

One day, I’ll be able to be free.

Sometime after, it was “Someday.”

Someday, I’ll dream of a future.

Someday, I’ll move on from it all.

Someday, I‘ll leave this stupor.

And then merging, each someday and one day became steps,

A step towards pride in a dream,

A step to grow from the sorrow,

A step into a new kind of hope.

Its time for the climb to who I want to be and to welcome back today.

By Rei.

It’s rained a lot this year.

Even on days it seems it wouldn’t.

Mostly at night or even while I’m driving home.

Typically, it doesn’t seem to when people are around.

Just on those long drives and moonless nights.

It rains a lot during funerals and long lost friends birthdays.

It rains while I’m lying in bed.

The rain never stops.

I just hope for a day when the rain stops pooling in my cupped hands.

One day these clouds will clear.

On that day I’ll be happy again.

-Rei

Love. Why does it elude me?

I’ve written poem and song about you,

Although I have yet to understand you.

I still can’t bring myself to say those 3 words.

Something so simple and yet powerful,

It terrifies me; yet I still reach for it.

Love. Is this what it feels like?

Warm, bittersweet, and fluttering.

Or is this again co-dependency?

I don’t yet understand what this emotion is.

I’ve heard and read it, even been confessed to,

Yet still not knowing what it is.

Love. Can I trust someone that much?

To know my trauma and my true self,

Wouldn’t that be too much for anyone..

All I’ve ever told those 3 words, are gone.

Either by time or their own hands.

I am cursed to never know love without pain.

Love. I fear you.

-Rei

I fell in love with a whore that taught me to be myself. I was falling and falling and broke my fall with a shattered heart and an endless lust that was only satisfied with her. We tumbled in mattresses through a cacophony of moans and silence. God damnit I fell for her so fast it must’ve been a record.

And now I’m here. Swiping on dating apps trying to find her. I see her in so many faces, I miss her but I can’t tell her. when she said “ we should just be friends.” I wanted to say no and that I wanted her to stay and become more but instead we ended our Lustfull endeavors as my world crashed around me and she just became another face in a sea of past lovers and ex’s that I won’t ever be able to love again. Why? Why must I keep trying so hard when all I ever finish with is tears on both sides? I’m so sorry, god damnit I’m sorry. Maybe next exploratory journey into and onto another’s body and mind may be different and I won’t end up wanting to die again.

Or maybe not...

-Rei

I love you means we’ll love till our last days eve.

I love you means I’ll care for you through the time we weave.

I love you means I can’t wait to see you again.

And I love you means I’ll try to cure every burden.

So why did you lie and leave?

You never meant those three words, you thieve!

You took my offered heart didn’t you?

You stole it and ran it straight through.

I love you means I’ll feel pain when you leave.

I love you means I’m afraid of the scars you’ll carve.

I love you means I’ll take care of you.

I love you means I love you.

I’m just sorry I wasn’t enough.

I know I’m a bit rough.

To you I’ll be a footnote or whisper

Or maybe nothing more in your memoir.

To all my past loves, my heart is forever scarred.

Not to mention I’m scared.

I don’t think I’ll love again.

And I’ll be the one to carry that sin.

Just do me a favor and be happy for yourself.

I’ll be fine.

-Rei

For years I tried to enquire

How to be the one to inspire

My own youth and peers

Please latch onto our fears

Go on, hold them tight,

Find what lies in the right.

Learn the right lessons

And not give in to our confessions

In my own youth,

I feared all truths.

Everything I went through,

I couldn’t see anything thorough.

All I learned were lies and hate,

I let no one try to investigate.

I learned to treat others better then myself

All the while torturing in-self.

Over time I healed over wrong.

Like singing, differently, on a bad song.

Even through help from friends,

I couldn’t wait for a conversations end.

Although, with them, I healed right,

With a good heading in sight.

Casting light in an old darkness,

I let friends in with kindness.

And after a long recovery,

I can see my self happily.

It only takes time to repair.

Open up to your despair.

Show it no more fear,

And then you may steer clear

Of the darkness that nips your heels.

Teach others about your fears.

Only then can you open your eye

To see all that will help or even try.

Open to them as they do for you.

You will learn of much that friendship can do.

In the end, your family is your shield.

Whomever that may yield.

Either by blood or not

You’ll find what you’ve sought.

Be happy and be free of thought

And love will flow throughout.

Take these words with the utmost truth.

I’ve seen many who it’s help sooth.

-Rei

I’ve got friends I can’t see or much less talk to.

Either moved away, gone to fight, or gone for good.

We made bonds so strong, love did flee from its might.

Through misery and pain our ship grew, in number and in emotional power.

I’ve watched and fought after them as if brothers and sisters in the same kin.

I watched them fight and die in wars they couldn’t win.

And in those battles we did lose men and women.

I’ve watched as tears fell like empty shells falling from a AK47.

I was once trapped in the opposite side of the monitor screen,

On that day, a soldier fighting a cannibalistic war in his mind, ended it.

I watched as tears flooded his face as he placed a glock to his temple.

But there was no light left to leave his eyes by the time he pulled the trigger.

With that, please do not come to me with the phrase “you don’t understand my pain.”

I know the war you face and I won’t let another soldier fall!

We will see this war won.

I’ve got my battle plans and armaments ready.

Just give me the word and I’ll wage war ravagly against your demons.

Please just give me the word.

-Rei

I fucking love you.

You have made my world shine

I hope its the same for you

I love knowing you’re mine

While you’re here you make time spendable

You’re so pretty and wonderful

You never caused me to feel expendable

And your eyes are so colorful

I have wished to never love anyone more

It feels like it’s real this time

Like I was not lost, nor

Was I worth less than a dime

My heart never beat faster

No one ever shined as bright

I never laughed nor smiled longer

I’ve never wished not to be right.

I just wish you would’ve stayed longer

I’m sorry I didn’t do enough

I wish you didn’t go so far away

I wish distance wasn’t an issue, although...

In truth, I wish we never made future plans

I wish I’d never gave you a second chance for free

I wish the world wasn’t an ass when shit happens

I wish you meant it when you said you loved me.

I fucking did.....

-Rei

Dear parents, friends and my love.

I want to be completely honest today.

A war has been waging in my mind for some time. Depression and anxiety have been fighting for who can beat me down the most with there missiles of misinformation, double barrel doubt shotguns, and missile launchers of loneliness. All the while I’m taking the hits trying to build a wall around me to protect myself from this bombardment but I’ve built the wall too high. I can’t hear you telling me it’ll be okay. That I’ll be okay. That any of this will be okay.

I can’t keep fighting anymore. When these walls fall I’m afraid I will too. If I knew how to ask for help, I would. I can see the cracks now. Just know I love you all. Stay safe.

Sincerely,

The desperate child.