When are you going to learn not to let your emotions overtake you? When? Soon. Surely. We thought this years ago.

But be yourself. Express yourself. Be honest in what you feel when you're asked.

When will you learn?

Be yourself.

Feel inside.

Express yourself.

Not too brash.

Be perfectly honest.

You've said too much.

It's never too much.

That's more than enough.

Get up. Be tough!

You're out of line.

Forge new ways. Feel.

Repeat.

Get it?

In honor of my truest self, I bring you a stream of my consciousness. Flawed as it is in many aspects, some would consider it rude or excessive or not nearly enough.

Well, I say, if you be one year over twenty at the least...

I miss

sneaking alcohol into concerts with you

and

feeling bad about being late for another date

I miss

your lips on mine

it might be trite

but every one is like a glass of wine

I miss

your arms, your face, your hair

even your scowl

I miss

the boiling in your blood when things get hot

the composure in your silence when things get too heavy

The look in your eye when I'm talking and the strength in your voice when you speak

I miss what we might've been

in this

sick, twisted, dream world of mine

Nothing's perfect, that's for sure

but somewhere

somehow

like they say

I know my future's making promises

No, no, no

I said that right

I miss the hopes I had for us

but that was never us

was it?

Your thoughts were louder than mine

I couldn't hear myself think

Same with you

You could hear me, too

We could hear each other

But not ourselves

Said some things we can't take back

Both felt attacked

And now there's just no looking back

It's been about 12 hours that I've been sticking to the diet I started a month ago

And already, I'm thinking of writing love songs

for burgers

The layers

The taste

The soft buns and the things on them

The bacon

The cheese

They way they melt in my mouth is pleasing

Some fries

A shake

I won't binge and purge on this day

I won't have the shake

Or the fries

Or the burger

The night is young, though

So maybe I will after all

The phone rings

It rings

and rings

and rings

and rings

I silence it

A few minutes later, it rings again

I silence it again, unapologetically

And a few hours later

It rings again

seemingly without end

And I make a mental note

That tomorrow, I won't change my mind

But I'll change my number for the first time in years

I'm tired of this nonsense

The unending ring

From a caller I know

without caller ID

I weighed myself 2 days ago and nothing had changed

I got upset and overate and weighed myself again yesterday

I’d gone down

It’s always like that with me now

I weighed myself again today and the scale said I’d gone up 10 lbs

I stepped off, stepped back on and this time, it said only 5

I stepped off and I wrote it off and drank my protein shake

I weighed myself again and I’d gone down by 1

I’m not sure now anymore

But there’s one thing I know: I once thought that I looked gross, but I looked pretty good

Don't stroll so freely in an open field

The earth is beautiful

The sun is warm

But all this beauty can be gone

Before you've had the chance to explore it all

They come

With fangs

With guns

For food

For fun

If a branch snaps

Run

They will kill us just for fun

They will kill us just to feed

While we feed on only greens

Who will stop them?

I don't know

That's just the way a deer's life goes

You'll never know that I checked my messages knowing I didn't have anything from you

That I checked if you were online every half hour, every quarter, almost every minute and I thought of saying something, but I didn't.

Some would call that stalking

Others call it hurting

But I mean you no harm and I'll keep my distance

I'm just tempted to be near you, but I can't

I can't

Not anymore