Its a letter constantly questioning its own existence.
Y do I exist?
Y am I real?
Christians are those who love God and Jesus Christ. They strive to be like them. When you strive to be like Jesus, you become a better person because he is the best person.
Being like them doesnt mean you need to be perfect immediately, and when you mess up, its over. It means you become kinder, more truthful, more honest, more believing everyday until, eventually, you become like him.
But we never could become like Jesus without the Atonement, because we all make mistakes. Through his love and sacrifice, we can become clean!
Through small and simple things, great things are brought to pass.
As The End as I Can Get
Austin is driving me crazy.
I realized the other day that I am like 10 years more mature than him. Which is why we cant stay friends.
This post is the end. Im probably not going to finish this story, purely because I dont think it has an ending.
Austin and I are just going different directions.
The restaurant that we both work at recently announced that its going to combine its two stores into one location. And that location is the store I work at.
Gavin and Austin were furious. They quit.
And I dont think they realized how much that hurt me. I just wanted to work with my friends. Is that too much to ask? Can I not have fun working with them?
I understand leaving to get more money. Yes. Our paychecks are rather terrible.
But Austin was so bitter about it! So bitter. And that hurt the most.
He said he was quitting out of principle? What principle!! That you only had loyalty to that one location, not the store in general?
So I'm annoyed at him. I still havent decided if I want to tell him or not. Based on what happened last time, I don't think it would do any good.
This is as The End as I can get. Maybe in a few years I'll come back and add an epilogue. But for now, I'm so done with this story.
Im done with the pain, the heartbreak of trying to fix a relationship where the other person is oblivious and doesnt care.
Right now, I feel nothing.
The pain I once felt is gone. I remember it, but I dont feel as sad as I did just a few months ago.
This post is unplanned.
I normally plan things. I like order, knowing whats going to happen next. I like having a list and checking everything off with a tidy check mark.
But sometimes the best things happen without a plan.
I, apperently, have a boyfriend.
I say apperently because I didn't expect this.
For some reason I thought that I would never have someone like me. I felt like because I was pretty, I didn't deserve someone who was perfect. I would have to give him up for someone else who needed perfection more than I did. I would have to settle for someone else who couldnt find anyone else. I would spend my whole life making someone else happy at the expense of my happily ever after.
But I didnt.
He isn't perfect, but neither am I.
He isn't a prince, but princes come with a kingdom and problems and assassins.
He isn't who I expected to fall for, but then, I never expected to fall.
He is just what I need.
If you had told me a month ago that I would be dating my coworker, I would have said you were seeing things and he is *just a friend*.
This was unplanned.
But who needs to plan? I love whatever the gecko is happening. Whatever happens, happens.
Life is an adventure, and I am my own main character.
Tropes are Stupid
I think every author who has written about a love triangle has never actually been in a love triangle.
They are stupid and painful. Because what are you supposed to do?
I like the one boy. Hes awesome and I wouldn't be sad if he became my boyfriend someday.
The other one, he is one of my bestest friends. But I dont like him that way. I dont feel a draw to see him. When Im with him, I dont want time to stop and slow down.
But both of them like me.
I cant like both. Its impossible. But I do want to stay friends with both! I dont want our trio to die, just because I am apperently extremely likeable.
Thats something that authors never mention. The pain. The pain because I know I am causing someone else pain and there is nothing I can do about it.
Late Night Rambling
Does anyone else ever imagine meeting their heros?
I have one. He's a Twitch streamer. He's my age, and is super funny.
Sometimes I wonder if we could ever have become friends. If our lives had crossed, would we have hit it off?
If we were friends, what would we do? How would we act around each other?
Then I start thinking.
He finds my Youtube channel, likes what he sees, and reaches out to me. I cant reach out to him. He's too famous. I would never be seen.
Then we would talk, and laugh, and share stories. If we became really good friends, I could go visit him in Brighton, and get to see the country Ive always wanted to live in.
I never fantasize about more than that. I dont think anything more than friendship could ever happen.
You know, assuming we ever meet.
Panic and Fear, Dilly Dilly
I had basically given up. I had done everything I could besides tracking Max down in person and saying sorry. I felt at peace, knowing I had done what I could. I knew that somehow, it would all work out for the best.
I fell into a rhythm. Wake up, go to work, come home, sleep, repeat. I knew what was going to happen every day, and I knew what to expect.
One day I saw Max in the local paper. He had won state swim! Go Max.
At first I worried that Max would come eat lunch at the pizza place I worked at, but after 6 months, I stopped worrying.
Until one day, he suddenly was there.
I started shaking. I couldn't do the simplest of jobs, let alone work register. I started making pizzas, like a good employee, but I couldn't breathe. I knew he wasn't there to talk to me. He was there with his whole big group of cronies, and they sat right next to where I was working.
Because of course.
I kept going, trying to do my job. I don't think I took a real breath until he left the restaurant. They never acknowledged my existence. It was like I was a stone wall. It's not like I was the bestest of friends with any of them, but I knew some of them! They could have at least said hi!
Needless to say, that encounter left a bad taste in my mouth.
After that, I thought I was safe. He had come, he didn't seem all that excited at the food, I was good. I was okay. He wouldn't be back. I wouldn't have to do that again.
A few weeks later, his whole friend group shows up again. But this time I caught eye contact with Max as he was waiting in line.
"Rosemary! How are you going?"
"I'm doing good."
"So you're just working?"
"Yep," I said.
I had to do work then, so the conversation was cut short. I was kinda glad. It's kinda awkward to shout across the restaurant.
They sat down right next to me again. I managed to get through the shaking, and even breathed a few times.
Finally they left.
I thought, surely this can't happen again.
They started coming in every week.
Last Wednesday I was just existing when he walked in the door again. My coworker couldn't take the register, so I had to take over. I rung up one man, then went to go get his sauce. Max was next in line. My coworker thankfully took over for me.
I felt brave though.
I made eye contact with Max.
"So you guys are just coming in every week now?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"We converted ya."
Then I smiled and walked away.
And died inside.
I know this is happening for a reason. It feels like something out of a soap opera. Nothing like this happens in real life. Except it is. And I don't know how to handle it.
I need to say sorry. And it has to happen before life pulls us apart for good.
And Now I Feel Stupid
One of my friends had to have Max's number. I knew, and know, that when I apologize to him, it's not gonna be in person. I can barely talk to him in a normal conversation, let alone when I'm apologizing for something that I did that hurt him. I went around asking everyone if they had it. Of course I did it subtly. I'm not an idiot.
Finally, someone gave it to me. I panicked for a few seconds because I thought I would never get it, then I started typing.
I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but it went something like this.
"Hey Max, this is Rosemary. I just wanted to apologize for something that happened in 7th grade. Do you remember when I said you remind me of Clawhauser? I meant that you are funny, like he is. I didn't even think about how you would interpret it as me thinking you were fat. I never thought that, and I've wanted to apologize since Kiley told me. I'm sorry it took me so long."
I sent the message, and then waited.
A few hours later, I got this in response.
"Do you mean Max Cannon? I'm not Max."
Of course. Of course it would happen this way.
I panicked and sent off a message.
"Oh I'm so sorry. Please disregard this message."
They texted back.
"Did you get this number from Ryan?"
"Yeah..." I said.
"He got a new phone and I changed my number for Max's as a joke," they said.
"Oh. Then who is this?"
"I'm not saying."
"Now I'm really curious," I said.
"Nope. Lips are sealed. I can give you Max's real number though."
"Thank you. Please don't tell anyone about this. This is the thing I regret most and I would really hate to have it spread all over the school."
"Yeah no problem," they said.
"Are you sure I don't know you?"
"Nope. I'm a junior."
"I know a lot of juniors," I said.
That is the last time I have ever talked to that person. I still have no idea who they are. Some random Junior now knows something I would really prefer they don't know. I can't do anything about it though, so moving on.
I texted the new number the same thing as the last, and waited again.
Except this time, no one ever responded.
Now we come to the void. A year and a half where I didn't have school, didn't have responsibilities, and didn't have anything I had to work towards. I spent the first 6 months detoxing from school. I did nothing productive, and talked to no one.
After a little while I started to feel better. I started writing again. I made a Youtube channel. I got a job. I applied to colleges.
I took some religion classes at local university. Every Tuesday night at 5:30, I would pull into the parking lot. One day I saw him.
I though it was Max. But why would Max be here? He's not in college. That doesn't make any sense. It's just gotta be someone who looks like Max.
But the next week, I saw him again. And then I saw someone else I recognized. All of them were kids from my grade. What?
Then I realized where I was. The building my class was in was right next to the pool. Max did swim. Ohhhh. They must get out right as my class starts. That makes so much sense!
One day I decided that I was going to apologize. And I was gonna do it the next Tuesday. So that day I came early for class and waited in the parking lot. Everyone started leaving the building, but I never saw Max. Eventually I had to go inside for my class. Of course the one day I decide to do the right thing Max isn't even there.
So I went on with my life. Swim ended the next week, so that chance was blown.
But because my life is my life, I saw him again.
Max wasn't just on the swim team. He also did theater. And he was good. Really good.
One of my friends told me I had to go see the winter musical since she was in it, and if I didn't show up, she was gonna be mad. So I went. And Max was one of the main characters. I'm not gonna lie, I don't really remember the plot. This was an excuse to stare at Max.
After the play was over, I went out to say hi to my friend. She talked to me for about 2 seconds before going to talk to others. I sucked in a breath and walked over to Max.
He was talking to a friend, who motioned towards me. Max turned around, and looked surprised.
"Hey Max. You did really good!" I said. I could feel my face getting red, like it does when I'm nervous.
I remember what happened next in perfect clarity.
He smiled, and said, "Thanks Rosemary!"
Then he gave me a hug.
Now, I'm a tall girl. I'm 5'8". Most of the time, hugs are an awkward thing. But this one felt perfect. And it was too short.
Because I'm an idiot, I smiled and left. I didn't try to start a conversation. I just left.
I went home and decided that for real, I was going to apologize, and it was gonna happen soon. As in, tomorrow.
Now we are approaching the end of my public schooling. I consider my 11th grade year my Senior year, because I graduated a year early. Plus I had senioritis so bad, I might as well have been a real Senior.
This year I could drive, and I always parked in a church parking lot by the school so I could avoid the craziness of the school parking lot. Turns out, Max also parked there. I literally memorized his schedule so I would always arrive earlier than him so I wouldn't have to awkwardly walk by him to get to school.
I had 4 classes with Max. Two every single day. It would have been 5, but we got put in separate classes at the last moment.
I really loved having Max in my classes. He still had some class clown-ness in him, but knew how to bridle it in. I looked forward to the periods that I had with him all day, and when he wasn't there, I got really sad.
In one class we would watch CNN 10 every morning before class, and Max absolutely loved Carl Azuz. When we didn't have time one day to watch it, Max pulled out his phone and started watching it himself.
One day Max was sad. I never learned why, but I left a note on his car saying that he was awesome. I didn't sign it. I don't know if he ever even got it. I hope he did.
It was this year that I realized I had a massive crush on him. I'm pretty sure I've had one since 6th grade, but I never admitted it to myself since Kiley was my best friend. This was the worst year to figure it out though, because he got a girlfriend.
His girlfriend was beautiful, short, happy, and just the perfect person. They were together for a very long time. I don't know why they eventually broke up, but Max looked like a kicked puppy that day.
I remember every kind word Max said to me directly that year.
"Your beanie is cute."
"Rosemary! You're back! We missed you."
"You're graduating early? That's awesome!"
Max started wearing suits on Wednesday and called it Dress Up day. I decided to follow the trend. No one else ended up doing it. So it was just me and him. Looking back, I hope he didn't realize why I did it.
At the end of the year, we had a huge final for Spanish. We could take a huge test covering everything we went over that year, or make a pinata. A group of about 6 of us in the class decided to make a giant pinata that was a remake of one of the posters in the room. Max was part of the group. That project put me in closer proximity with him then I'd been since 6th grade, when I'd hit him in the ankles with books.
I got all shaky, and couldn't talk to him, even though I really wanted to. I really, really wanted to. I wanted to say sorry. I wanted to be friends again. For me, being friends is more important then any romantic aspirations I might have.
But I couldn't talk.
Looking back, I wonder why I didn't just put a note on his car saying sorry for what I did. That would have been the most painless solution. But I didn't.
I graduated that summer, and thought I would never see Max again. But I did. Because of course it would happen that way.