I sat at my desk, staring at my blank computer screen. What am I going to do now? How am I going to live? My whole life has changed dramatically in the last minute since I found out. Since I knew.
I got up and collapsed on my bed. What was the point now? What was the point in anything? Why try when everyday I would have this knowledge in the back of my head, haunting me, laughing at me?
My phone buzzed and I lethargically sat up to grab it off my bedside table. Who would be texting me now? Now when absolutely nothing mattered anymore?
It was from my mom. Asking how I was. How I was taking the news. I didn't respond. What was the point? She knew. Everyone knew.
I looked over at my garbage can. I had wasted so much of what I had! Why didn't I treasure it more at the time? Why didn't I realize the true value of what I had been blessed with?
I started to cry. My life was in shambles. Nothing could ever feel right again. I would never recover from this setback.
Suddenly I remembered something. I ran down the stairs, around the corner, and burst into the kitchen at top speed. I have it. I have the answer! How I'm going to live!
I opened my secret cupboard. Inside was the most precious commodity in the world. What everyone would want soon. What I had en mass.
While everyone else pined, I had the last stash known to mankind. Whoever had the chocolate, had the power. And I had the chocolate.
Deep breath in
A dragon breath out
Breath to keep the warm
Hot coco too hot
Gasp! What I wanted!
Hugs from family
What I Got Me For Christmas
I wasn't that great this year
Burned myself out
Fell in a slump
Ignored people I cared about
Fell into a neverending youtube spiral
Fell into repetition
Fell into giving up
But Im still gonna give myself stuff!
Cause Ive got money now!
Jobs are nice
And maybe it will make me better
First, some books
Because I used to read
Still love it!
But forgot I did
So the complete series, right there!
You know you want to read it Rosie!
You can do it!
Next, some self respect
Ive stopped liking myself
My face is round
My hair too mousy
My figure just lumps
But I can get past that!
Remember that Youtube?
Watch it on a walk!
Watch it while running!
While eating salads!
You used to love yourself
You can do it again
Also, some MCYT merch!
Because when you love something
Buy it all
And lord it over everyone else
Not spending mass amounts of money
Ive got a fancy hoodie
Next, some creativity
Alter those pants!
Write a book!
Start a youtube channel!
Finally, some friendship
Talk to them!
People arent scary
They wont eat you
Go hang out with your best friend
Make new friends online!
Talk to others.
I know Ive had a rough year
I havent been my best
But I can do better
And spending money on myself
Thats the way to go
I'm not really a present getter. I think that when someone gets something for me they are just wasting their money.
I looovvvee to give presents though, partly because I love to see peoples faces when they open it, and partly so I can show how much I love someone.
I can remember from the time I was little little little, I always felt this huge letdown on Christmas morning because I never got what I wanted!
Now that Im older, I just buy myself whatever I want whenever I want it. My mom gets annoyed cause my dad does this too and she never knows what to get us.
I finally explained something to her.
I have never gotten a present from my mom that she actually thought about before getting me. She almost always gets me a scarf, forgetting I hate them and never wear them. My mom is the type to wrap up anything and everything and call it a gift.
That hurts me because I dont care about getting something. I just would like to open a present and see that it was something I have wanted, or needed, and didn't ask for. Someone just noticed, and got it for me.
Gifts for me are an expression of how well you know a person. I give good presents because I want to show Im a good friend.
So what I want is a well thought out present that I didnt know was coming. That would make Christmas all the merrier for me.
Now dont feel sorry for me. I just got myself $150 USD worth of books. So ill be good for a bit. :)
Resolutions I Will (Maybe) Keep
1. Talk to people more. Yeahhh, not gonna happen. People are scary and talking is scary.
2. Get a raise. Ive only been working for like 4 months, so thats probably not happening. But one can hope!
3. Finish my Hannon. Hannon is math for piano. Just scales and chords for pages and pages and its horrible and I want it gone.
4. Become a famous youtuber. I have a stupid idea of becoming a youtuber that I think Im gonna pursue. We'll see. The famous part is definately up in the air.
5. Stop eating so much sugar!! This is exactly halfway to say just how easily hard that is for me. Ugh I need to eat more salads.
6. Go to Disneyland! Ive never been there, and I really want to go next year once Ive turned 18 and can legally not need my parents anymore.
7. Find another author that Ive never read before and read it all.
8. Read more books and watch less youtube. Ive kinda stopped reading cause I got glasses this year and they make it hard to read cause contacts are fuzzy and glasses give me a headache.
9. Work on my toxic perfectionism. Im not saying become fine with failure overnight, just I want to be slightly more okay at not being perfect in one more aspect of my life.
10. Go to college. I have been planning on college next fall for years, so yeah Im probably gonna do that.
This is my story.
I am Lila.
I have been struggling with all this for the past year.
I wrote Besties, the original story, back last December, I think, and I found it after Austin and I drifted apart. I read it and started crying a little. We were so good together! I had written it from Austin's point of view for fun. I don't really know what he was thinking. I don't really think he thought my eyes were pretty.
I posted it here after editing it a bit. Somehow people liked it! And so I decided to write my full story. I feel sorry for people who have read this and posted things in the comments, saying how the story could have been improved. I wish it could be changed that way. Your ideas were great! But since it was my story, I had to follow the real plot.
All conversations were pretty much real. Texting ones were spot on. I wanted you, the reader, to feel my pain as I went through it.
My story isn't over yet. This is merely where my writing intersects with reality. From now on, any more Besties stories will be completely unexpected for both the reader and the writer. I don't know where my story is going. I like to think of it as a choose your own adventure that I am too scared to play.
Obviously, all names have been changed. My name is not really Lila. Austin isn't his real name.
Please give me advice in the comments! I wrote this partially as therapy, and partially hoping for therapy from you guys.
Thank you to everyone who read this far! I hope my story was interesting enough to keep you hooked. I'm kinda stuck in it, so welcome along for the ride!
I hate these meetings. I ran into the church building and into the room. No one was talking at all. Drat. I'm late! I sat down and looked at the time. Oh no. I'm on time. Why is everyone so quiet then?
Just then the leader called the meeting to order. Oh. It was just the awkward silence before it started then.
Just then I realized that I had sat next to Gavin in my hurry to not be late. Drat. I mean, technically I was supposed to sit by him cause we're the ward representitives and all, but I wanted to sit next to Raina.
Raina and I had become close these last couple months. I now consider her my best friend, although that term scares me.
I sat through the meeting, bored out of my head. I really just wanted to go home and call my cousin. But I'm a good child, so Ill stay here and pretend to care about what is happening. Sigh. I looked up and exchanged regretful smiles with Raina. Guess we're not talking today!
I got home and looked at my phone. One text fron Raina! I opened it.
"Sorry I didn't get to talk to you today," it said.
"It's okay!" I said. "I wanted to talk to you too, but you know, seating arrangements and stuff."
"Yeah I felt bad though," Raina said.
I smiled. Raina and I are both overly apologetic. I frowned after remembering my frustration with having to sit next to Gavin.
I wrote a quick rant.
"Ugh Gavin makes me so mad!! Hes so nice but then I want to hate him but I can't and I want to be friends and I can't and ugh."
I knew I wasn't making any sense.
"Uhhh ok why do you want to hate him?" was the reply.
I tried to figure out how to explain my annoyance.
"Okay so he is Austin's new best friend, and he's really nice, but I'm so annoyed, and I know its not his fault."
Wow. Apperently I forgot how to communicate.
"Ok and why can't you be friends with him?" I could tell Raina was confused.
"Because every time I'm around him depression kicks in," I said.
As I said it, I realized that it was true.
I quickly shot off another text. "It's because of bad connotation. I didn't realize this until right now, actually."
"Well maybe become better friends with him?" Raina suggested.
"I know we would probably get along swell, but everytime I try, I just leave sad and on the edge of tears. And I just hope I can get over this soon because I hate this so much. Its like my brain is like, you're around the person who stole your best friend? Time to be sad."
I sat there after saying that. Something about it struck me. I'd never realized that I haven't really tried to get along with Gavin. I bet we would be good friends. Him and Austin are cronies, after all. But I'd never really tried. Why?
My phone beeped. Raina had sent me another message. A long one this time
"Well Lila listen. As much as you might hate it, Austin probably won't be in your life the same way as last year. And if you become better friends with Gavin that could be really good. I know change is hard but you need to let yourself be happy and ok with the change."
I cried. I didn't really know why, but I bawled.
All I said back was, "I know you're right." I couldn't handle anything more. I sat there, on my floor, clutching my phone, crying.
Another text popped up. "You might know it. But you got to believe it. Plus God doesn't want you to be sad. Maybe Gavin is God trying to help you be happier. And maybe not. But you need to be happy because I know how hard prolonged sadness is."
I realized what was bothering me. I started typing.
"Its not just Gavin. Its just really hard for me to come close to someone. Ever since I was little, like really little, once I would make a really good friend and call them my best friend it was like a ticking time bomb was set off. Every single time I have called someone my best friend we have grown apart within a year.
"So in freshman year my best friend was Quest, and when she was so mean to me it scarred me against opening myself up to anyone that deep ever again.
"And then Austin and I became close. And then I called him my best friend. And then I lost him.
"So it literally terrifies me to have you be my best friend. And I don't want to lose you too. And making friends scares me because I know I'm just gonna lose them soon."
I stopped typing because I was crying too hard to see the screen. Somehow I had made it through all of my years of life and never realized this thing about myself before. I am terrified of losing my best friends. Austin was the best friend I have ever had. I am scared that if I draw close to anyone, I will just be opening myself to more pain.
I sat there for who knows long. I finally checked my phone again. Three new messages from Raina.
"Well Lila I can promise you one thing: I'm not going anywhere. I love you girly. And people do come and go out of our lives but the ones who really matter stick around."
"We might not live close to each other or see each other as often as we would like but we will keep in touch."
"I don't want you to ever be scared about losing me. I know the fear of losing people all to well and it's a constant fear I live with. I promised I'd work hard to make sure I never left someone who loved me or needed me."
Something in me melted. A dam that was holding back the emotions in my heart opened, and I started crying again. I sent off three texts of my own.
"I love you."
"I hope so."
(This chapter includes terms that most people may not be familiar with, so if you get confused, scroll to the bottom for an explanation. Happy readings!)
It's almost not awkward anymore. I sat across from Austin in Sunday School and looked up to him smiling at me. That hasn't happened in months! I smiled back.
It had been very weird for a little bit. Austin had walked around me on eggshells for about a week. But I feel better now! I don't feel mad anymore.
As I listened to the church lesson I thought about what to do next. Should I try more? Or less? He knows I miss him now. Maybe he will try more, for me.
After class I remembered that I had a meeting with the Bishop to discuss what Youth Activities we could do in the New Year. I looked around for Gavin, cause he was supposed to go with me. I didn't see him, so I went up to Austin and Trent.
"Hey guys. We've got WYC after church, and one of you lucky ducks gets to go with me," I said. I secretly hoped Austin would come, but I didn't tell him to. I wasn't sure who was Gavin's replacement.
"I've got stuff I have to do," Trent said. He hurriedly backed away and oit the door.
Austin looked at me. "Guess I'm going!"
Austin is literally asleep. This meeting isn't that boring! I poked him in the shoulder. He snorted and woke up. I tried to hold my laughter in.
He looked over at me. His expression perfectly said, "Why did you make me come to this again?"
I smiled. "Its not that bad."
"Yes. Yes it is."
(Okay, so in my church we have two hours of meetings. First hour is where everyone is in one big hall and we have songs and talks and prayers. Second hour we all split up into adults, youth, and children and have specialized lessons based on age group. For youth, we call it Sunday School. Our pastor is called the Bishop. Every month or so the oldest youth, both boy and girl, meets with the bishop and other leaders in the church to discuss how better to help the Youth and what activites we would like to do. Thats called WYC, ward youth council. Ummm I think thats all the confusing parts. If anyone has more questions, feel free to ask me in the comments!)
My Spidey Sense
I know things.
Not in a school sense, although I do have that.
I know things.
I started noticing it when I got my current job. I have to stock the pizza warmers everyday and make little sweet and salty bread bites for the lunch specials. Every morning I somehow know how many pizzas and bites we will need to make. At first my coworkers didn't believe me. They thought I was just guessing correctly. But I kept getting it right every day.
I went to my cousins house to help them move. One day we were unpacking the storage sheds. My cousin really wanted to get all her clothes back that had been packed away for months. I somehow knew which boxes they were. I couldn't see the labels, they were on the top of the box. But I knew.
At work my knowing manifests as a sort of panic. I feel stressed about the item we will need more of. When we don't need anything extra, I don't feel worried at all.
In every other situation, it just feels like a pressure towards something. Like its trying to guide me that way.
I'm still not quite sure why or how I can do this. I can never force it to happen. It really only works when I'm not trying to make it work.
I think its a gift from God. He knows that I want everything perfect all the time, and so he is helping me in a small way to have more control over things I shouldn't be able to control at all.
Today was a slow day. We only needed 4 of each bite.
You look through me
I walk away