I used to actually be okay.

I used to believe myself when I said I didn't care about the way I looked,

Or how much I weighed.

I used to smile at the woman in the mirror,

And be proud of the person she had become.

But one day,

I looked in the mirror too long.

I picked out every flaw with my body.

Every pimple, every scar, every imperfection.

I made myself feel worthless.

I sat there for hours,

Crying,

Drowning in self inflicted hatred.

For the first time in a long time,

I stopped lying to myself.

At first,

Everything is bright

Happy

Normal

Rainclouds come

Hide the sun

And I'm dizzy,

Tripping over

My own feet

How can I trip in a dream?

In dreams,

You're not supposed to feel

Pain

You're not supposed to

Ache

But I see my family

My friends

My life

Extinguished

Like a flickering light

In a dark hall.

I watch as

Everything I love

Is crushed

Under the Enemy's heel

And ground into

Oblivion

I scream

And run to help

But my feet don't move

My voice makes

No sound

My hands cannot

Help

Help

HELP

Someone,

Anyone,

Please help me

I fall to my knees

And see red

Tears of blood

My tears?

Or rain?

My blood?

No.

My sister's.

I turn around

And he's there.

My demon.

He wears my face

And uses my voice

To laugh at me.

He shows me

Things I long for;

My friend, alive.

My scars, healed.

My hopes, restored.

Then my demon

Uses my teeth

To bite down,

Hard,

And rip them in half.

I close my eyes

Against the sight.

When I look again,

I'm falling.

Falling into nothing,

No one to catch me

No one to care.

Alone.

What if I told you 

I like wearing penny loafers

And combat boots 

And I have been slutty 

While wearing jeans 

And a t shirt

And when I wore that 

Short short skirt 

I didn't want you 

To touch me

What if I told you 

I'm smart about 

Unimportant things 

And I will never seem 

Ivy League 

But I will always be 

Well adjusted 

Even when I'm in 

My worst state of depression

Because you see 

I can juggle 

While you still have 

That spoon in your mouth

And what if I told you 

I never felt the need 

To obey anyone

Unless it was in the bedroom

And when you take out 

Your silly built in rules

Your subconscious training 

I laugh and shrink from you 

Just a little 

Cuz you're proving to me

You're nothing beyond 

The programming 

Of your parents

And then sometimes 

I shrink from myself

Because I reflexively

Resist authority 

I instinctively don't 

Trust you or your motives

I automatically without 

Awareness look for 

Your every emotion and

How I can please you 

Even when I don't want to

And that is my programming

Thank you Mom

Thank you Dad

I carry your secret grudges

Your hidden fears

Your mental illness

PTSD and poverty

Your rich mothers scorn

Your emotional nightmares

In me I carry them muted

In my gestures, my insecurities

My poor decisions 

My flaws

And despite all the 

Pent up rage 

The frustration of being 

Your child I have only 

Become who I am 

Because of you

So I thank you 

And all the ironies 

You've blessed and 

Cursed me with

How you baptized me

In both holy water

And neglect 

The spirit and 

Abiding fear

Curiosity and blindness

I am your third daughter

But I could be a seventh son

Of a seventh son

Because the miracle 

Of surviving you 

Is either proof of divinity 

Or a sure sign 

I am magic 

A Dorman

Although

Your heart

Has stopped

Your art

Will go on

And through

Those images

That you made

Your memory

Will never fade

I can't imagine

The fear you faced

Or how you must have felt

I can't comprehend

The danger that you were in

But what I can see

Is your happy face

Still here with me

I can hear your voice

Singing beautiful melodies

I can still feel

The warmth of your laugh

That greeted me

With the morning sun

And although

You are gone

In my heart

You will always

Live on

In loving memory of my friend Autumn Barnes who perished in a car crash today. 14 was to young. You will be missed. <3

Gun shots

Stab wounds

Overdose

Hanging in a bedroom

All of them

Seem like child's play

Compared to the pain

I felt that day

That cursed night

When I thought

You would say

That you love me

But instead

You said

You loved her

How careless to think

That it was me

I'm not attracted to you,

Until I see your soul.

Love distorts my vision,

So I can see you whole.

It's what's inside...

That's beautiful.

sometimes I dream

your limbs distort to 

the shape of snakes

& we never

made any sense  

but wasn’t it lovely 

all the same?