pulled by strings

a doll made of wood

sits under the oak tree

bugs and dirt adorned

a girl made of wood

her strings cut

her eyes non-existent

she is face-blank

it doesn't speak

listen for the footfalls

they've come to bury

a doll made of girl

a cavity in place of heart

a void in place of spine

wood doesn't beat

even though it lives

she's been cut down

carved up and varnished

she is perfect for the viewer

i could write a thousand metaphors

surrounding water, fire, earth, air, and everything in my eyes

i could write a thousand poems

no meter, rhythm, or style just form and words

i probably will but they won't be enough

enough being the unachievable mission

there aren't enough beautiful things-

museums, art, music, books, nature, space, and people

-in the world to replicate the way I feel for you

you are more than enough for me

you are my impossible

the bile builds at the back of the throat

i don't know if it is the chalky feeling in my mouth

the dizziness or the lack of sleep but something is making my body spin

maybe its you, its the sound of your voice

its the knowing you are out there

waiting

watching

judging

always so critical

yet i would take every well shot arrow if it meant letting the water wash over my garden again

yearning is such an interesting feeling

to yearn for others is romantic

the thing of sonnets and songs

yearning for you is nothing romantic

it is a beast on a chain yanking

it foams at the mouth, eager

yearning for you is a terror unknown

it is something beyond reach

it is not beyond knowing though

yearning for you is a crushing thing

it rips at my innards till it's shredded

it smashes my skull in its hands

i am nothing without the seeking yearning

i won't stop till i have satiated the lust

but i guess that has always been us

me and pain have always gone around like that

i am on a date

i woke up and got dressed for it

i looked pretty and they negged me into believing i don't

i sat down patiently to eat with them

but they took too long and the restaurant made us leave

i am on a date

i am still hungry but i smile and listen to them ramble

they only talk about themselves but i want to believe there is more

we went for a walk to enjoy they air

they dragged and complained the whole time

i love the outdoors but being there with them made me want to go inside

i am on a date

they asked to walk me to the door and they lurked while I opened it

i don't know why i invited them in but i was afraid of not

i was hungry but i had a guest so i didn't go cook

i was sleepy but i had a guest so i didn't go to sleep

i am on a date

it was too late for them to drive home

it was too early for them to go to bed

so we stayed up chatting and eventually a restless rest fell upon us

i woke up before them though

wrapped in their arms, unable to escape

i don't know if this is a date

i turn to watch them sleep

i notice how peaceful i look while i am asleep

i think i will ask them out on a second date

i patrol my mind

a guard on the apocalypse

i saw the disease spread

i saw the good fall to it

i buried them and wait

i know they will rise again

a burning hunger within them

i wait with weathered eyes

i wait for the memories to awaken

i know they are there

i buried them there

and they can't wait to rip me apart

and eat my brain whole

Is it the doom i chase with my words

that there will never be enough words to paint my pain

that there will never be enough colors to write my scars

Is it the constant seeking that keeps me going

The unsatiated desire to be heard

That I will scream in a thousand languages

Yet never learn to hear them in others

Doomed to never hear that my pain has said it's piece

Or perhaps there are no methods

no outlets

no words

no colors

no shades

no time

or tears

that would ever express every drop of you that has been poured into my mind

the oceans will never be less than the land

Is it the fate of the ocean-bearer that I must learn to breath the water and hate the land?

I chase doom

I chase fate

I chase desire

But most importantly I will always chase you

I will always chase the release, the capturing of the past self that hides behind me like a shadow that never wants to grow up

I used to love you more than I loved the air itself

Now perhaps it is the absence of you that kills me more than the presence of you

Even when you are here you are away

I put shattered pieces in the hands of a ghost

They hit the ground and shatter again

Only to be lost in the darkness that you call home

I've lost myself again to you

I used to love you more than I loved love itself

When the noon bleeds into the night

Deeping the shades till the scab

I'll sit in you mind with the demons

I'll take it from you and hold your heart

It's weight soothing the tingling that buzzes

You may say it's not fair, to bleed like this

To pass on my mind to carry yours

To keep your demons company when mine starve

I'd say it is the only fairness I can give this late

When the desperation hits and all I do is scream

The only solace I feel is in the weight of your pain

The only safety I find is in the company of your demons

I will never be alone again

Either in pain

or in joy

I will never be alone