I was three months old when the Twin Towers fell
desperate bodies falling from it; 2001--
with the false-hope that they would somehow make it out alive
or maybe they wanted to go in a way that was less painful
maybe Osama could have thought differently
if he had an iPod in his hands,
but that came around a little while later,
2002, I'm not even one yet
when the Euro starts circulating
a good fifteen years before England said "deuces"
but let's not harp on the future.
The world, however, is space happy
because if we can't look to the future, we can look elsewhere
many Star Wars episodes (Star Trek, you can go sit down) later
we've got rovers up on Mars
waving down at us;
"How ya doin'!"
2003 and I don't know what's worse,
the heatwave, the Taliban, or MySpace...
at least China's on the go
with, you know, outer space,
then we get Web 2.0!
(did not intend that to rhyme)
2004, Baby Bush is back
("Fool me once, shame on you... shame on me... fool me twice, you can't get fooled again.)
We're skipping the rest.
2005! YouTube is here!
Ready to give you all of your cute cat videos
because you're too lazy to go get a cat yourself--
what other goodness comes out of 2k05?
Katrina, you say? Is she hot? Oh no, she's wet.
But not in a good way.
(It's just a joke.)
At least there's Angela Merkel,
on her way to be TIME Magazine's most powerful person
in several years, when Obama is here
(It's okay, Chancellor, we miss Obama, too.)
Which is now the playroom of an orange-faced idiot.
So there's really nothing good about that.
And poor Pluto got demoted, not worthy enough to orbit
with the Big Kids. But it's okay,
in her absence, she'll go blonde and shock Earth speechless.
And apparently that's a lot more going on here--
like North Korea! Snorting lines of nuclear waste one test at a time.
And Africa! ...I think you lost a rhino.
2007! It's another world recession! Hopefully no wars come out of this.
Not that I know of. But the ice caps are melting
and only one hero can save the polar bears
if you donate $0.99 a day, you can be
that hero they need. Or you can, like, start
believing in Global Warming and actually
do something about all of this Greenhouse Gases
you keep shitting. But that doesn't become a big deal
until a little later. And then it doesn't because
that Twitter-Fiend from last year kinda
told Paris to go fuck itself. Well, that's one way
of Making America Great Again.
We also get the iPhone! Which is so cool!
You can snap it in half-- so cool!
2008. Time to get serious here.
I'm seven years old,
I still remember the tears in my parents' eyes
when Barack Obama was declared the
President-Elect. And I didn't understand the big deal
until I was eight and his middle name came up.
But that's in 2009, let's focus on the joys 2008 gave us
other than the best family cook-out ever after Obama was elected;
we've got a booming internet! So you can watch all of your porn
before mommy gets home from Trader Joe's. Beijing hosts
the Olympic Games! The Russians actually have a President!
(I honest to God didn't even think the word "President" existed over there)
2009-- OBAMA IS PRESIDENT!
AND NOW WE NEED TO SEE HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE
BECAUSE DEM MUSLIMS CANT BE PRESIDENT EVEN IF THEY'RE
US NATIVES. ONLY WHITE SONS OF BITCHES THAT BELIEVE
IN THE LORD AND SAVIOR AND SPEAK DAT GOOD
AMURICAN CAN BE PRES! YEEEEHAAAAAWWW!
(If you read that with a Texas accent, bless you)
(Not trying to stereotype here.)
(But Obama got too much strife in his eight years for his own good)
But what else is new? The Moon has water! So now we need to figure out a way to
harvest it because we're fucking up our own water! Why not bomb the moon?
(Huston, I've found many problems.)
And now the tallest man-made structure in the world is completed!
So now we can try touching God and he can strike us down like
2010-- Haiti's Earthquake
My grandma really doesn't lie when she says that county is cursed
but then again, she blames the voodoo and says this is God punishing them
Obama and the rest of the world donated billions to help them though!
Which is good!
Then the government in Haiti used it all for themselves!
Which is bad. Which is actually, quite honestly, fucked up.
But hey, I ain't ruling a country.
We also have iPads now!
Which is probably what the Haitian government spent all of their money on.
(Okay, now I'm being a sarcastic cunt)
HOLY SHIT, THE WATER IS BLACK!
Yep, you've guessed it.
BP fucked up! Yay!
And now the Gulf of Mexico and everywhere attached it it has toxic water that kills animals, yay!
2011-- Japan gets an earthquake that kills some
then a tsunami that kills the rest. And during this time, I remember,
I was ten and so obsessed with anime
that I thought I was Japanese, too,
so when they hurt, I hurt.
But then my American spirit came back to me cuz
YEEEHAAAWWW THATS RIGHT WE KILLED DAT SON OF A BITCH OSAMA THERE YA GO, OBAMA, DATS MY PRES RIGHT DERE!
(Again, Texas accent)
And now there's so many babies on Earth that we have seven billion people!
2012-- OBAMA'S STILL HERE!
(Probably because he doesn't have a binder full of women...)
We keep molesting Mars!
And the Mayan calander ends so everyone thinks that the world is gonna end!
(But it doesn't. The world ends in 2016, obviously.)
2013-- North Korea is still getting high off of that nuclear waste.
Apparently the NSA has been watching you watch porn while you watched the window
making sure that your mom isn't home from Trader Joe's. Because, you know,
you could be a terrorist so your privacy does not matter.
Finally, a rivalry that will strike the world emerges...
PS4 vs. XBox One! Fight! (Mortal Combat music here)
2014-- THE WORLD KEEPS GETTING MORE RAINBABIES!
PRAISE THE GAY IN ENGLAND AND WALES!
More people are molesting Mars, by the way.
Even comets are copping a feel.
NATO pulls out of Afghanistan.
Because they came and passed out, like, ages ago.
(Again, it's a joke)
Plus a new World Trade Center opened... for some reason!
2015-- Remember that Twitter-Fiend I threw shade at in the previous years?
Well, apparently he's running for president.
And he's gonna build a wall.
And Mexico is gonna pay for it.
And he's gonna kick out all the Muslims.
And he wants Obama's birth certificate even though Obama already said "fuck you."
And he's gonna police the inner cities with black people harder.
And he's gonna get rid of Roe v. Wade.
And he told the Pope to fuck off.
And he's gonna repeal Obamacare, possibly killing the majority of America.
And thus begins the end of the world.
At least Queen Elizabeth is still kicking.
She said that she'll take us over when she gets the chance.
And by the way, Pluto is blonde now and we're all super into that.
2016-- ...It's the end of the world as we know it.
And I'm not talking about the Twitter-Fiend.
A gay club is shot up in Orlando, marking it one of the worst terrorist attacks since 9/11,
but hey. It don't matter apparently.
And now the world is so fucked up that "Three Person Babies" exist.
Police brutality is now caught on video more times than I shower a day.
"Grab 'em by the pussy," is something appropriate that a president should say
(said most of the Republican Party)
Hillary's emails. What the fuck.
And then, the moment you've all been waiting for:
"Obama out." NO COME BACK PLEASE OBAMA! (said Chancellor Merkel)
2017-- I'm sixteen now.
I've gotta say, looking back on this makes me laugh
there's been a lot of growth
there's been a lot of pain.
But it's all worth it. It'll get better.
...Just impeach that tiny-handed, sexual harassing piece of shit already.
Him and his entire administration.
Jesus help us.