Daily Schedule
When you get sick and are told you’re unable to work for the foreseeable future you go through two different reactions.
The first being excited about never having to work again, filling your days with lunches with friends, shopping for unnecessary things you know you'd never really use. Finally getting around to all the projects you put on hold because you were too tired from …..work.
The second reaction is fear. How am I supposed to live off of a savings that resembles that of a child's piggy bank. You would think I would have saved for a rainy day but my pay is below minimum wage and so was my value as an employee but that's neither here nor there. I can't just not work, how am I supposed to….live?
My routine is as follows:
5-6 am I wake up because my body is set to wake up out of habit for work (work which I can't do anymore)
I brush my teeth and wash my face. I make sure to take my first dose of medications.
I'm wide awake so I can't go back to sleep so I watch tv, there’s nothing interesting on so i put Bob’s Burgers on for background noise.
I make a mental list of all things I want to do today, which in reality I might only do two things from the list.
I don't drink coffee or tea so I grab some water and read. What I read doesn't matter, my memory doesn't hold information like it used to.
It's too early to talk to friends ...friends…friend, the only friend I have is on her way to work.
7-8 am I rummage through the kitchen for something to eat but nothing really ever fills me up.
9-10 am I contemplate taking a nap just as the rest of the house is waking up, I'm exhausted and the day hasn't even started.
11-12 am/pm I take my second dose of medications, still nothing on so I turn to youtube to watch conspiracy theories…they’re as predictable as I am.
1-2 pm I take my third dose of medication and decide to paint and work with clay. I don't know how to paint but I try, I have all the time in the world….God willing.
3-4 pm I take my fourth dose of medication and scrounge for something that looks appetizing. My friend’s off work so she calls, there's no time to hang out because she has priorities with family that outweigh girl time. She apologizes and I tell her not to worry because I get it….I get it.
5-6 pm I take my fifth and final dose of medication and make dinner for the family, well my sister and hers anyways. I wash the dishes and clean up my mess. Serving myself a plate of what I chose for tonight's menu.
7-8 pm I write stories I keep hidden because the worlds inside my head aren't meant for the people outside my head. I write poetry that's dark and opposite of what they see when they see me.
9-10 pm I get ready for bed. Scrolling through the tv there's still nothing on so I settle on Bob’s Burgers again, it's become my white noise.
11-12 pm/am I lay in silence, in the dark of night waiting to fall asleep only to start all over again.
Confessions of An Adult
How did I get here? How did I go from the top of my class to the bottom of the barrel at work? Maybe I missed something, maybe this was my punishment for wanting more out of life then to be stuck in a run down town like my mother my whole life. The hours tick by leaving me no time for rest and on the off chance I do get a day off my mind won't let me. I've become an insomniac, keeping odd hours that weigh on my relationship. Why he’s stayed for so long is beyond me. I’ve neglected him, blew off dates and anniversaries. Why he stays, again I don't know. It’s not only him i neglect. My body…..my body cries out in pain each night, signaling for me to stop. I’m a masochist, enjoying the torment inflicted on me. Day in and day out i return for my punishment. Working my way up only to falter and lose my grip on what's worth my time. I choose the hard way, of course I do because I wouldn't have it any other way. My mind is jumbled, mixing my priorities with conformities. Work Days with rest days, overtime with over this. But I’m stuck, this hamster's wheel wont let me off and I run and I run and I run yet I can't seem to get anywhere.
How did I get here? Lost in the dream I was chasing all those years to end up barely living. Catching ZZZ’s is harder than catching cabs but what I really wanted to catch was a cold to slow me down , force me to rest, to not think of anything but sleep and soup and balled up tissues on my bed. Snuggled up in my warm apartment while the reality of the cold hard truth whips its anger on my window outside. I’m sick of adults lying to doe eyed kids full of wonder, telling them that their future is bright. It’s not…it's not. You struggle and break. You cry but there's no mother there to pull you into a hug , wipe away the tears and tell you everything will be alright because the truth is it’s not….it’s not. They lie to your face and tell you you can be anything, anything except happy. You're in a constant battle to stay on top, praised by your peers but as soon as you fall you're all alone to wonder.
How did I get here"
Movie Night
Warning: this story contains sexual content
There was a brief moment before I knocked on his door that I knew I shouldn't be here. He wasn't good for me. My friends warned me but I couldn't help it. I was addicted to him from the first day I saw him at his shop, when he smiled I knew I wanted to be his.
"You're going to catch your death standing out here, get in it's pouring." He had snapped me out of my thoughts. Holding the door for me, I ducked past him.
"Sorry, my brain just froze for a bit." I smiled sheepishly.
"You're bound to be frozen if you keep those clothes on. I'll get you something to change into." I followed him upstairs to his bedroom, not what I expected at all. He seemed to be a neat freak, not a thing out of place.
"Here, these should fit. My sister stays over sometimes when she doesn't want our parents to know she's wasted." He handed me a pair a women's shorts and a shirt that said juicy.
"Juicy?" I laughed. "In case you haven't noticed I'm a little bigger, these won't fit." He looked at me up and down, making me nervous.
“Yeah I guess my sister and you have very different styles. If I’m being honest I can't really see you wearing something like this anyways.” He grabbed them from my hand, putting them back were he found them
“And what exactly does that mean?" My eyebrows scrunching at his comment.
He walked over to me, he made me nervous. The way he looked at me made me feel like his prey. I watched from the mirror in front of us as he moved behind me, brushing my slightly wet hair forward.
“You’re a good girl, you wouldn't wear such revealing clothes.” His fingers slowly slid the zipper on the back of my dress down. I could feel him lingering on my skin, sending chills through my body.
“Or maybe you’re naughty?” I watched frozen as his hands ran along my thighs, grabbing the hem of my dress taking his time to pull it along my body. His hands heated my skin, making me want more.
“Maybe I’m a little of both.” My voice sounds seductive, completely unlike me. He was right, I was a good girl. I would never let something like this happen but with him I threw everything out the window.
He discarded my dress, leaving me in my panties and bra exposed to him, the only man who's ever seen me this vulnerable. Watching as he pulled open a drawer, handing me a shirt he moved behind me. I watched as he unfastened my bra, letting my full breast bounce. By the smirk on his face I knew he took great pleasure seeing my nipples hard, whether from his touch or the freezing rain didn't matter. I tried crossing my hands over my chest, hiding what little modesty I had left
"And now for these." His fingers hooked into my panties.
"Those aren't wet." I protested but he pulled me hard against him.
"Not yet anyways” He whispered into my ear, making me push away and run to the bathroom, locking the door so I could regain whatever will power I had.
"Would you look at yourself, you look like a tomato" I told myself seeing how flushed I was.
"Hey I'm putting a movie on." He shouted through the door. I splashed water on my face, taking a deep breath. Looking at the shirt he gave me I contemplated just going back out there and grabbing my dress again but he was right, it was pretty wet from the rain. I squeezed into his shirt cringing at my appearance, it barely covered my ass.
"I thought we were going to go watch a movie?" I asked pulling at the shirt when I came out of the bathroom.
"We still are. The rain has gotten worse so get in." He pulled the covers down for me, I hesitated at first. I squeezed past him and crawled into his bed hurrying to cover up.
"Just let me get comfortable." He grinned taking off his shirt as he went into the bathroom. He must have forgotten to shut the door completely because I could see him undress into nothing but his boxers. This was definitely not a good idea.
"What am I doing here?" I asked myself. I still had time to grab my clothes and leave. I looked at my dress, it was gone. I scanned the room until I found it. He had taken it with him. Now what?
"I hope you like scary movies?" He asked, sauntering out of the bathroom, his boxers hanging low. I imagined what he must look like naked, his bed head waiting to be pulled. His hands tracing along my curves.
"Shall I take them off?" He motioned to his boxers, winking at me.
"WHAT? No...I'm sorry I was thinking about something." I groaned hiding under the covers. Great, now he thinks I'm a pervert. I heard the movie start and felt his presence beside me.
"If you don't come out I'm coming in." He laughed jokingly but I didn't think it was so funny, my entire body was flushed. I took a deep breath and came out, thankfully he wasn't watching me.
We sat in silence watching the killer stalk his victims. Why would she go back in the house? I thought the killer was still in there. There was a loud bang coming from outside making me jump. Into his side, had held me, rubbing my back.
"Sshh...it's just the thunder." I moved out of his hold but he held me tight. I looked up at him but he was back to watching the movie, so I stayed there in his arms. I couldn't concentrate on the movie, not when I was so close to him. I was transfixed by the shadow and light bouncing off of him.
"See anything you like?" He laughed, cocking his head to look at me.
"Yes, I actually do." I don't know if it was the fear of the storm outside or the way he made me feel but I moved out of his grp. He watched unsure of what I was about to do. I leaned in, my tongue sliding along the length of his neck.
His hands grabbed hold of me, moving me to straddle his lap. His lips were soft and rough on me, making me moan as I gave him access to me. Our tongues danced around each other as he pushed his hips up making me grind against him, his hands grabbing my ass.
"Find anything you like?" I asked with lust in my eyes.
He was quick to pull off the shirt I wore, pushing me back on the bed.
"Several things actually." He pushed my legs apart coming between them as his lips found my breast and teased my nipples with his tongue. He took his time giving each one special attention. sucking and biting, pulling them with his teeth. I moaned for him, wanting more but we were playing by his rules. He licked his way up to my neck kissing me as he squeezed my breasts roughly. I couldn't help but grind against him, feeling his hard cock pressing against me.
"That's your fault." He said, biting my ear as his hand trailed between my thighs. My breathing hitched as I felt his finger slide inside me.
"And that's my fault." He pulled his fingers out, licking them clean.
He lowered himself between me, his hands holding my thighs so I wouldn't escape him, not that I ever would. I could feel his nose rubbing against my panties making me even wetter.
"Please." I begged
"Please what, tell me what you want?" His grin was devilish.
"I want you inside me." There was no such thing as modesty now, I was his.
He ripped the lace fabric that covered the last bit of my body off. The feel of his hot breath seeping inside me as he inhaled my scent, sliding his tongue inside. I arched my back, hearing a low chuckle escape his mouth. He pushed his tongue in deeper, sucking on my clit. My body ignited the second he inserted his fingers, working them along with his tongue.
"Oh God." I moaned, throwing my head back, enjoying his attack on my soaking folds..
The sound alone drove my madd, the combination of his grunting and lapping of his tongue, his fingers sliding in and out…wet. I could feel my release just on the edge but he moved , pulling his fingers out of me. I was about to whine when he shoved them in my mouth. I grabbed a hold of his hand, licking and sucking as if his fingers were the last popsicle on a hot summer's day.
"See how good you taste." He says as he rubs his hard cock up and down my entrance, my pussy lubricating him.
He teases me, pushing the tip in and pulling out. Whimpering, needing to feel you inside me. I look up as you watch me, before I can say anything you slam into me. I scream from the pain and pleasure, letting me adjust to your size as you start thrusting inside me. My legs wrapping around you, pushing you deeper inside. I’m on fire as you lick and bite my belly, the most vulnerable part of my body that I keep hidden was now being worshiped by him. My pussy constricted around his throbbing member.
"Tell me where you want my cum?" He asked, biting down on my breast as I found my release with one final thrust.
"I want to taste you." My voice is barely audible. I feel him move, his knees moving on either side of my arms.
“Be the good girl I know you are and take care of me.” He hovers over me, wrapping my hair around his hand. My mouth opens to him, a mixture of both of us dancing on my tongue. Your cock forcing down my throat as I gag at the roughness. My mouth adjusting to his size finally able to take him without struggling. My tongue snaking around his cock as he lets out a guttural growl, fucking my throat as tears well up in my eyes. I suck faster, my teeth grazing along his cock as he hisses pulling you out.
“Naughty girl.” He slaps my tongue with his cock, taking him in my mouth, starved for his cock as if it hadn't just been down my throat. He braces his hands against the headboard, fucking my mouth fast and hard, I moan feeling my mouth get stretched as his cock begins to twitch
“You look so beautiful right now, seeing you take my cock.” Our eyes meet as his cock stiffens, I feel him release in my mouth.
“Swallow it, all of it.” He commands and I obey, showing him my tongue for his approval.
"Fuck.” He collapses on the bed next to me, pulling me against his hard chest. He plays with my hair as we lay in silence, listening to the sound of the storm and movie in the background, slowly falling asleep.
The Cleansing
I could feel their hands all over me
The memory of them
Never leaving me
I was stuck
A constant reminder
That I was theirs
Tethered to them
By this invisible string
Holding me down
I wanted my freedom back
I wanted out
To erase everything
I knew it would hurt
My flesh peeling from my bones
It's the only way I could think of
To permanently remove their touch
To cleanse myself
From bone to flesh
Burn the memory
Of what they've done
One flick of my wrist
The matchstick illuminated
I can feel the heat
Engulfed by flames
Smoke surrounding me
Purifying me of their sins
Who am I?
I was painfully aware
The burden that was placed on me
My future already planned out
Who was I to fight my fate
To go against my father
I could go about my days
Carelessly playing the fool
But I knew I was meant for more To show the world the truth
That salvation is in reach
I would find followers
To help me spread the word
Praying for peace
In a negative world
Fighting against accusations
A false Messiah
But the inevitable would come
I would fulfill my destiny
The day
I would die
For your sins
The Truth
I guess I had them all fooled. They believed I was this sweet and caring person who went out of their way to put everyone first. To tend to the needs of others before I considered my own. It didn't help that I played the part, feeding into their delusions of who they thought I was. I wondered how they would take the news of the real me, the selfish and heartless person that face them. Would they overlook my passed indiscretions, forget about the unforgivable things I have done. Would they still love this person who hates the world? The me who plots the downfall of those around? Would I still be sweet and caring once they found out the truth, that I despised all of them. Suppose they saw that the real me was full of hate and rage, masked by a smile. Little by little I see the truth breaking through the cracks in my lies.
The Combustible High
There's this amped up arousal that ignites this fire inside of you.
It consumes you to the point where you're convulsing.
Your entire body feels like it's about to come undone but you want more of it, you beg for it.
You ride this high that surges through you.
You grasp and cling to anything that will keep you from floating away.
It's as if a thousand tremors vibrate through you.
It's unbearable at times, wanting it to give you a moment of reprieve but it continues to assault you.
It buries itself deep in your core waiting for you to give into it, to give into its control.
You have no choice but to let go.
Your voice unrecognizable as your body shakes from the euphoric pleasure, building up until you spontaneous combust.
The Gift
When you've been beaten and broken down your whole life you tend to stop believing that anything good will come your way. That's not how life works, at least that's what I thought until I met him. He was nothing like how people described him in books or in movies. He wasn't some red horned beast with a tail and pitchfork. He wasn't this intimidatingly good looking man in a dark suit with an ominous aura surrounding him. The Devil came to me in the form of a child, perhaps he knew that I would be more accepting of him if he was a child. I never had the best relationships with adults, they always found a way to hurt me in any way they could.
“I have a present for you.” His voice is calm, comforting.
“Uh..where are your parents? It's pretty late out, you should be at home.” I told him as I looked around thinking this was just some lost little kid.
“What about you, it's pretty late for you to be out at this hour?” I was sixteen at the time and even though technically I was a kid I had obvious reasons why I couldn't go home, not for another four hours anyways. I needed to be sure my father was asleep and he was already on his sixth tall can, his tolerance for alcohol intake was high.
“Regardless, I'm older and it's not safe out here so you need to go. Are you lost, do you need me to call someone for you?” I looked around again to see if anyone might have been looking for him.
“Im alot older than you think. Why do you allow him to hurt you?” The boy asked and I froze.
“Look, whatever sick joke this is, you need to stop and get out of here, it's not funny.” I could feel myself shaking.
“Does it look like I'm laughing?” He handed me a camara, it was old, and an antique.
“What's this, did you steal this?” I looked at him questioningly.
“I know you've been hurting for a while and I'm sorry your prayers have not been answered.”He spoke
“What are you talking about?” It was a coincidence, it had to be.
“He's forgotten you but I haven't. I've watched you, waited for you to call to me.'' I had a million questions running through my mind.
“Look kid, I don't even know your name.” This kid was definitely weird
“You know me, I've come to you before but you've sent me away. He's not coming for you but I have."He placed his hand over mine and I could feel it. His touch was like fire burning but I didn't feel any pain.
“Accept my present and all your pain and suffering will be gone.” It couldn't be him, could it?
“Are you the D…Dev..”
“Yes, do you accept my gift?” His eyes searched for mine.
“What do I have to do….to make it stop? To make him stop.” Nothing had worked in my favor so far so why not, if this was all some sick twisted joke I'd still be in the same place as I am now so why not.
“This camera is very old and dear to me, it has power in it.”
“What kind of power?” I asked curiously.
“The kind of power that makes all your problems disappear.” His tone never changed, always calming.
“Including…?” I couldn't finish, I could feel tears trying to escape.
“Including him. Would that make you happy?” There was a glow to his eyes now and the burning that I felt before was gone now replaced with warmth.
“How? How do I use this power?” I was eager, I wanted it all over with.
“Just take a picture of anyone who's ever hurt you. That photo will be their death.” He smiled almost as if he was excited about this. I suppose I was as well.
“After today you will finally be free and safe, I will always be there whenever you call for me.” He stood, bending down to place a kiss on my forehead.
“He was true to his word, I was finally free from all the pain and hurt and he did come whenever I called to him, always as that child from our first encounter.
Time had passed and I had lived a happy life but I was at my end now and I grew so very tired. I called him but he refused to take me, he had grown too attached to me. He had forgotten that I was made of flesh and blood, that my human self could not live forever. Everytime it was the same, he denied my requests and I stayed and continued to expire. It had been so long since I had used his gift that I had all but forgotten it. It was still as I had remembered it. If he wasn't willing to do it then I'd do it myself. I had made myself presentable to whomever was the unfortunate one of my children or grandchildren to find me. Wrote them notes telling them how much I loved them and an amazing life. I told them not to be sad and to celebrate. Lastly, I told them I was okay that the place I was going had been a source of comfort for me, knowing that I had someone watching and protecting me most of my life, I told them goodbye and that this time I was finally free of everything. I sat the camera up, got into position and *CLICK* The flash was blinding.
“I had a feeling you would do it.” That voice was familiar but it was different.
“Are you..?” He was older now, not the child I was used to.
“I wish you wouldn't have done that.'' I was confused.
“I thought you would be glad to see me.” Although unconventional, I had considered him a friend, stupid I know.
“Do you know why I always disagreed with your requests?” He seemed almost disappointed. I couldn't get my words out, I could only shake my head.
“It's because you can't stay here with me, your soul is pure, you belong up there.” I saw sorrow in him. What have I done?
“But I've been killed. I…live..”
“I told you that camara had powers in it, you might have taken the picture but it all fell on me. I made it so you weren't involved." I don't know how he did it but the camera was now in his hands.
“I want to stay here, I'm safe here.” I pleaded with him.
“I;m going to give you one more gift.” he stood in front of me, now towering my height. I kept my promise and now it's time I set you free.
“I don't want you too, please.” I could taste the tears that fell, I wasn't entirely sure they were just mine.
“I’m grateful for the time we've had and I will always treasure your memory.'' I could feel his lips on my forehead. “Goodbye.” there was a second blinding light that engulfed me.
“She won't remember, like a passing dream. She will only remember the good and I will remember everything.” how could i not while i have her memories and photo with me.
HATE
I hate the word
HATE
It's too severe
Almost final
But that's the way she makes me feel
HATE
I hate her for the way she puts me down
Her backhanded comments
Bruising me
HATE
Her stares that eat at my confidence
Her words
That beat me down
HATE
I’m small and weak
When she's around
I stay silent
HATE
Afraid to anger her
I hide away
Wanting to become invisible
HATE
Invisible to her words
Invisible to my surroundings
Invisible to her
HATE